Granted, Kriptonite becomes a crypto-coin, but not Kryptonite.

I wish for everyone to have good SPaG.

............... everyone but you.

I wish I could jade the female pheromones.

But not male pheromones

I wish for shape shifting powers, please.

Granted, since you said please. But, you always shift into the wrong thing.

I wish that the human race stops sucking so much. And for a bag of Cheetos

ok, no one can breath, because that's sucking air, and cant eat either, because that's sucking food. so you can't eat your cheetoz

i wish for a kitten that loves me and my freinds and my famaily.

Granted, the kitten loves you... to death.

I wish for a ring of three wishes with all of its charges.

Granted. But its a neck ring that's too small and it chokes you.

I wish that the air around me was always a reasonable temperature so I was never to hot or cold.

Granted, but it's toxic gas.

I wish people listened to my opinions.

Granted, but nobody agrees with them.

I wish to be a reality-warper.

Granted, you are now able to warp reality by casting wristpocket. enjoy

I wish I could cast vicious mockery in real life.

OK, but you can't  control it, so everyone hates you.

i wish i could breath both water and air

Granted, you can breathe water, but don't gain any oxygen from it.

I wish I could cast prestidigitation in real life.

Granted, but you can only create the symbol of an uno reverse card

I wish i had more dogs

Granted, but they're rabid

I wish to not be tricked

Granted, instead of being tricked you are bamboozled, cheated, conned, deceived, duped, hoodwinked, misled, and swindled, all at once.

I wish to have an ordinary apple that only I can eat or hold.

The apple is nasty

I wish to be dovahkiin

Granted, you are now Dovekin, a race of Tiny creatures that can only wield light weapons. Also, your hit point maximum is reduced by 2, and your hit point maximum is reduced by 2 each time you level up. But hey, you have a flight speed of 50 feet!

I wish to be able to delete memories of my choice from my brain, without chance of accident.

Granted, but you get rid of anything you learned and anyone who participated in the memory when it happened.

I wish I could turn my head 360° without snapping my neck

Granted, you are turned into an owl. Have fun coughing up bones

I wish for my next wish after this wish to work out as flawless as my last one.

Granted, this wish worked out horribly so your next one will as well.

I wish for B I G GA Y