On a brisk autumn evening, Phineas and the goblin Cheeky sit at a table in the crowded Yawning Portal, the latter sitting on the table itself, playing with the doll that Phineas has placed on the edge. Bonnie, the friendly barmaid, brings two flagons of ale to the table. She doesn’t seem too put off by the presence of the odd couple. Chances are, she’s seen weirder things this week. The two keep an eye on the entrance to the Undermountain, as though they are waiting for someone to show up. The two were lucky enough to get a table near the well.

As the pair watches the well, a commotion breaks out at a nearby table. Someone shouts out, “Ya pig! Like killin’ me mates, does ya?” The two turn to see a human man, his shaved head covered in tattoos, swing wildly at a seven-foot-tall half-orc woman. Before either Phineas or Cheeky can see how the woman reacts, however, their view is blocked by a crowd of spectators.

Cheeky seems to be excited by the commotion, forgetting the doll entirely. What does Phineas do?

Phineas Fop and Cheeky Littlebottom

In all began when Phineas and her faithful sidekick Cheeky sat at a table in the Yawning Portal minding their own business like they always do... all the while they kept their eyes peeled on the well... the entrance to the Undermountain! Waiting for their contact to emerge but quickly starting to grow bored and restless...

The Well to the Undermountain

As Bonnie, the friendly barmaid brought two flagons of ale to the table Phineas looked up and gave the wench the evil eye as she spoke to the tavern maid in a loud shrill nasally voice, "hey toots, aren't you forgetting something?" Phineas commented as she held up three fingers with a wide grin, "you're missing an ale, missie-may! The be three thirsty patrons here at this table... me, my good pal and partner Cheeky, and our esteemed guest-o-honor the Esmerelda the Dollie so be a sweetie-pie and fetch one for her too before you go and hurt her little feelings." Phineas turned to the doll and nodded as if the doll had spoken to her, "yeah, what a rude insensitive *****! I totally agree with ya, sure, sure, her tip will reflect her slighting you."

Esmerelda the Dollie

Phineas quickly snatched up one of the two ales and brought it up to her lips and proceeded to down it and drain it dry then slammed it hard upside-down on the table in front of the hapless doll. Phineas capped it off with a rather loud totally disgusting burp just as some sort of commotion started to break out. The blonde jester gave Cheeky one of her special looks and rolled her eyes as she complained in a whiney put-off voice, "just can't go nowhere these days, it's always something with these yahoos, I ask ya, what's a sweet delicate flower like me to do? No respect."

Tavern Brawl

Phineas' eyes shifted back on the two combatants, the female jester could not help but admire the man's tats but then suddenly recalled that bald guys turned her off so she focused her attention on the half-orc woman impressed with the gal's gumption and her ample bosoms up until Phineas found her view blocked as the crowd gathered around the combatants. "Hell-bells!" The jester cursed as she didn't miss a beat and climbed up on top of the table to continue watching the fight over the heads of the crowd, starting to cheer with them...

Phineas feeling a strange bond of sisterhood to the half-orc proceeded to shout a string of insults laced with subtle enchantments directed at the bald male combatant, "hey, Fatboy, yeah you... you hit like a little girl! Boo!!! Boo!!!" 

Then as if to outdo herself the jester followed up with stirring words to inspire the half-orc female, "come on you got the eye of the tiger! The guy's a creep and a total lightweight, you can take him easy! You got this!!!"

Wisdom Save: 10

The bald, tattooed man turned to Phineas with a look of confusion. Getting her first good look at him, Phineas notices that the man's tattoos are eye-shaped. Her words don't seem to have affected him, but the jester's distraction provides the half-orc woman the perfect opportunity to shove the man to the ground, pinning him with one hand and pummeling him with her other. Meanwhile, four other men have pushed their way through the crowd, and looked poised to help their tattooed friend.

Roll for initiative!

Half-orc woman: 4
The five men: 9

 Phineas Initiative: 16

Phineas (and Cheeky) get to act first!

Phineas observing from on top of the table that four other men are seeking to push their way through the crowd to help their tattooed friend casts the spell Silent Image of a Waterdeep City Watch guardsmen standing atop the low rim wall surrounding the 'well' that acts as the entrance to the Undermountain. The silent image of the lone guard is standing facing in the direction where the half-orc female is pummeling the tattooed man as if watching!

Phineas screams, "hells bells, the city watch is coming up out of the well... run, it's a raid!"

The half-orc woman looks over to the guard that has just seemingly crawled out of the well. Investigation: 18  

After staring at it for a moment, then looking up at Phineas, she shrugs, and pushes up off of the tattooed man. "Whatever," she says. "You aren't worth the trouble."

The tattooed man jumps up, and turns to the woman. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he asks, beginning to charge after her, but the other four hold him back, restraining him. "She's not worth it" one of his friends can be heard saying. Reluctantly, the tattooed man gives in, and together the five of them walk out of the tavern, half of them eyeing the mysterious well guard whose eyes seem to be following them out the door.

Cheeky lets out a sad sigh. He had been hoping for more violence. Phineas loses sight of the half-orc woman for a moment, until she appears right next to her. "I think I might owe you a drink," she says, smiling and showing off her prominent tusks.

Phineas grins at the towering half-orc female and shrugged, "a drink will do just fine but two will do even better!" The Jester said as she hopped down off the table and sat back down, "join us here at our table why don't ya. I'm Phineas... Phineas Fop, the one and only... pleased to meet ya!!! That handsome little devil over there is my partner Cheeky Littlebottom, and seated on the table is the mastermind of our operation... Lady Esmerelda, the reason we're here anyway. But shhh, don't say anything, cause she's in disguise and we're supposed to blend in you know."

"Hey Bonnie!" the half-orc woman shouts, "two more rounds for this table, on me!" She turns back to the jester and says, "I'm Yagra, Yagra Stonefist. What is your... operation, if you don't mind me asking?"

Phineas grinned as the half-orc female shouted at the tavern wench calling for two more rounds! The blonde-haired jester greatly enjoyed drinking and liked it even more, when someone else footed the bill. "Thank you kindly Yagra Stonefist, that's right neighborly of you!"

The question that followed seemed to surprise the jester who gave Cheeky a confused look as she scratched her chin as if thinking, "my operation??? I'm a good girl... honest... just ask anyone!" She proclaimed loudly as if trying to convince herself more than one else. "Me and Cheeky here are professional entertainers, we get paid and everything, don't ya know. Yep, we're just a couple of honest fools... we do it all... songs, music, storytelling, acrobatics, dancing, juggling, telling jokes, and magic tricks."

"But you said something, about the... doll? Being the mastermind of-"

Before Yagra can finish her thought, shouts of alarm suddenly ring out as a hulking creature climbs up out of the shaft in the middle of the taproom — a monster with warty green skin, a tangled nest of wiry black hair, a long, carrot-shaped nose, and bloodshot eyes. As it bares its yellow teeth and howls, Phineas can see that a half-dozen bat-like creatures are attached to its body, with three more circling above it like flies. Everyone in the tavern reacts in fear except for the barkeep, Durnan, who shouts, “Troll!”

Durnan draws his greatsword, springs over the bar, and rushes to confront the monster. The three bat-like creatures that are not attached to the monster fly out into the crowd, with one heading right for Phineas.

Roll for initiative!

Durnan: 4
Troll: 7
Stirges: 22
Yagra: 9

Phineas Initiative: 19

Durnan charges up to the troll and swings his greatsword expertly at the monster. It's obvious to anybody watching, those not already fleeing, that the proprietor of the Yawning Portal is no mere barkeep. To hit: 13

However, the troll gets the better of him this time, and is able to avoid his blade.

It is Phineas's turn. Three bat-like creatures, which you would recognize as stirges, are flying into the crowd, looking for a fresh meal.

Phineas attempts to target one of the three bat-like creatures with a Fire Bolt to hit 20 damage 4 trying to position herself in a way that she is less likely to be firing into the crowd should she miss.

(Don't forget to control Cheeky on your turn as well!)

Phineas' fire bolt flies true, and one of the three stirges explodes with a satisfying "pop".

The two remaining stirges fly towards Phineas and Yagra. Each one tries to attach themselves to their target.

Vs. Phineas: 16 Damage: 6
Vs. Yagra: 18 Damage: 6

The two stirges successfully latch on to the two ladies! Meanwhile the troll swings at Durnan with its claws.

Claw 1: 16 Damage: 13
Claw 2: 19 Damage: 15

Both claws connect with the troll's target. Durnan lets out a grunt of pain, but he remains standing.

Yagra attempts to deal with the stirge that is attached to her, making two attacks with her fists.

To Hit: 15 Damage: 4
To Hit: 18 Damage: 4

Yagra's stirge deflates and falls harmlessly to the ground. Meanwhile, Durnan makes another swing at the troll.

(Totally forgot to give him his multiattack last time, so here we go!)

To Hit: 13 Damage: 13
To Hit: 25 Damage: 15
To Hit: 20 Damage: 6
To Hit: 26 Damage: 13

Three of his swings find their target, and the troll yowls in pain. Durnan calls out, "Can anybody light the damned thing on fire!?"

(No modified dice rolls, promise!)

Cheeky rushes to Help Phineas with the Stirge that has attached itself to her! The plucky Goblin Jester reaches out his grubby little hands towards the creature in a feint in order to distract it, to help his partner's attack become more effective. As Cheeky is doing that Phineas waits for just the right moment to cast Shocking Grasp Attack: 12 Damage: 6 at the Stirge stuck to her...

The third and final stirge jitters as it is riddled with electricity. Phineas also feels a jolt as her spell passes through the undesirable creature. The stirge then falls limply to the ground, leaving behind a circle of teeth-marks on Phineas' neck.

Yagra puts her hand on Phineas' shoulder and points at the troll. "Can you use your fire on that troll?"

Meanwhile, the troll throws itself onto Durnan, who falls to the ground. He holds his greatsword up, trying to push the troll off of him, slicing into the monster's claws as he does so, but the giant does not seem to notice as its green blood drips down the blade. Spectators watch on, crowded up against the tavern walls, some cowering beneath the tables. Nobody seems to want to step forward and be the hero.

Phineas her neck and complained, "that left a mark, I just know it! Now everybody is gonna think it's a hickey, damn love bugs!!!" Then she turns her gaze to Yagra and then to the Troll and squints, "I don't know, maybe. I can sure give it a go."

The plucky jester begins to make a grandiose gesture and attempts to hurl a Fire Bolt Attack: 17 Damage: 4 at the Troll.

The troll roars out in pain, shaking the tavern's occupants as it does so. It rises off of Durnan, and makes its way back to the entrance to the Undermountain. As it climbs back down, Durnan stands up, and nods knowingly at Phineas. "Well done. You have my thanks."

Phineas heard Durnan's words of thanks but before she could say something to him her attention was quickly diverted by her partner Cheeky tugging frantically at her legging with one hand, holding the Talking Doll protectively with the other. Irritated by the interruption the plucky jester looked down at the goblin, "what's your deal? I'm a hero! I sent that big beastie a packing, didn't I? I was just about to score some free drinks, what do you want?" Phineas complained as she bent down closer to Cheeky who shyly proceeded to whisper something in her ear. Phineas sighed and rolled her eyes, "Oh... hells bells Cheeky, good point, I didn't think of that! You're totally right... that Troll could have been the one bringing up the delivery that we were expecting and I chased him away like a noob."

Without delay, Phineas rushed to the edge of the well and as she looked down into the darkness she cried out, "hey... I'm sorry... come back... I got your Talking Dollie right here... so give me my package! Ah, come on... I didn't mean to firebolt ya in the bum, it just went off by accident, really." She pleaded for several minutes then finally turned to Cheeky and then looked at Esmerelda all dejected and forlorn as she folded her arms in front of her chest responding to the doll's shockingly profanity-laced verbal abuse! Phineas's head drooped down in embarrassment in response, "oh come on, it was an honest mistake, how was I to know. You should have said something before... don't be that way. I thought that you and I were pals and you call me names like that, hurt my feelings. Now, what are we supposed to do? Come on, don't look at me like that!"