Weirdly Buff Kobold

Listen up brah. This is it. This is the moment. The time of the True Gains. Winter is coming. This is where weak men falter and the true beasts break through the wall.

"But bro, my 4-pack" you may say. Brotato, let's be real. You gotta beef up. I bet you can't even break a steel rod between your scapula. Cmon now. Let's do this.

No skinny teen kids in this ***** worrying about their teenage abs at 140lb bodyweight. Time to take out the headphones when you're lifting. Put the Drake down, we aren't going 0 to 100. This is next level. Your phone is a distraction, get your face out of the screen and into the weights. The only sound you need to hear is the sweet melody of steel plates clanging together. The Song of Steel, legend tells. Instagram isin't goint to help you. You need focus and concentration. Grit. Sweat pouring down your face and gasping for oxygen. You'll know you're doing it right when the monster repping 465lbx10rep squats comes over and gives you respect. The True Master of your local gym will come to inspect the new young jedi in training and have a casual chat. You make eye contact with him, and let him know there's a new show in town. You show respect and tell him your goals and continue on your journey. Perhaps shake hands and offer a spot.

Keep bulking and lifting, but harder than before. You need to be dripping sweat during your workout. Seeing stars. Contemplating if this is what death feels like. Go into hibernation-bear-mode. Bulk hard until the spring sun and flowers begin to bloom. February. If you really wanna be a beefcake, you push through til March. Then the cut shall begin. You shall reveal more gains and muscle than you thought possible since you bulked like a ******* bear. Wear hoodies and long sleeves from here out.

Then when the suns out, guns out. Your friends will stare in awe. Your parents will be confused and wonder if you've done steroids. You'll get a promotion. The gym bros will be jealous. People will part way for you when you walk through crowds. By this time, the grocery store manager will be cutting you discounts since you are now his best customer from buying all the meats and veggies. You ever seen a horse? They're cut, massive beasts. What do they eat? Oats. That's right, I want you eating at least 4 cups of oats everyday, on top of your massive caloric intake. And squat til you vomit. Squats n Oats.

The night is darkest before dawn, and this is your moment of truth. Hunker down. Embrace the mass.

Think of the possibilities. Endless, much like your gains shall be.