Charles Nelson Reilly

Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man, the kind of man you'd never disrespect. He stood eight feet tall, wore glasses, and he had a third nipple on the back of his neck. He ate his own weight in coal, and excreted diamonds everyday. He could throw you down a flight of stairs, but you still would love him anyway. Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France with two flat tires and a missing chain. He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry. The man was insane He could rip out your beating heart, and show it to you right before you died. Everyday he'd make the host of Match Game give him a piggyback ride. The ninja warrior, master of disguise. He could melt your brain with his laser-beam eyes. He had his own line at the DMV. He's made sweet, sweet love to a manatee. He ran a four minute mile blindfolded with an engine block strapped to his back. He could eat more frozen waffles than any other man. Once he fell off the Chrysler building, and he barely even stubbed his toe Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion, but he never ever told a soul. He can unhinge his jaw and swallow a Volkswagen whole. He'd bash your face in with a shovel if you didn't treat him like a star. You could spit at the wind, or tug at Superman's cape but Lord knows you don't mess around with CNR.