Hail and well met, adventurers! I feel like I get to call you adventurers because this is clearly a different kind of article. Here I am, talking to you in the first person all casual-like, on this platform full of statistics, lore, and depth that demands a more academic approach. By reading, you qualify as a participant in an adventure. Okay, the “hail and well met” part was a bit much—but hey, I was trying to establish tone and all that. My name is Dan Telfer, and I’m here to write silly things that are, coincidentally enough, about Dungeons and Dragons.
I’ll be writing regular pieces for D&D Beyond, and I’m so nervously excited it’s as if I’ve cast dissonant whispers on myself. I’d like you to get to know me better as a contributor, so for my first piece I’d like to take a bit of a risk. I’m going to throw my own history with D&D onto the grill so I can cook up a thesis of sorts. That thesis? That I’ve learned three valuable lessons from playing D&D, all of them rather painful… which makes them funny! And so expressing the genre of fantasy inevitably leads to comedy.
Dungeons & Dragons is inherently funny. Perhaps you’ve noticed after your dungeon master set up a foreboding passage about a vampire’s lair, only to have the entire party snicker when he said “dank.” Perhaps you had someone like teen Dan Telfer in your party, trying way too hard to seem odd and interesting. I mean, it was at least funny in a disconcerting kind of way.
Here’s the first tale, a tale about the glory of declaring magic is about to happen. A real human “casting a spell” out loud, in front of real humans. If you’ve played D&D, like me you’ve probably enjoyed it, and I’m sorry to say but that is extremely funny. Try to remember the very first time you said it. What a leap of faith you took, adventurer! What’s that you say? It’s strange to have me once again call you adventurer? Well, I revel in my ability to have fun with my own innate awkwardness, so gird thy loins!
The Offline Age of Man
The continent: North America, midwest region. The year: 1988-ish My age: About 11 years old. Back then, human folk like me had to live out a grittier version of Stranger Things. Look, I can believe that somewhere out there, in some idealistic Indiana town, children could count on Winona Ryder’s unconditional love. There they might gather in a warm, dry basement with not even limited flood damage for supportive group storytelling. But in my very real Illinois suburb, nerdy pastimes were spoken about in hushed tones. Like arcane secrets I’d learned in a forbidden library, I could not WAIT to say something out loud about something fun, but the opportunities were non-existent.
Adventurer, tell me, have you ever tried to impress a 6th graders with your theories about why Smaug is commentary on class warfare? Why, of course you did, you’re reading this on D&D Beyond for Bahamut’s sake. Lo, the grand luxury of writing this piece is not lost on this writer. The point being, this was before the age when the internet could unite me with a community, offline or otherwise.
Nintendo did not yet have a Game Genie full of secret codes that you could eagerly swap with classmates to create a conversation. My parents ranted about such games as if they were brain-devouring parasites, worse than the ones you could get from using tap water in your neti pot. Compulsively, lonely young me would blurt nerdy things out at random intervals, like a short-circuiting Teddy Ruxpin with a Stephen Hawking audiobook stuck in it, amusing many but confusing many more. Comedy was happening, in that people were laughing, but I had not mastered it. Yet.
Intimidation Bonuses
I did not yet have a Nintendo to rot my cerebral cortex, but I did have a little brother. Aha! Did you see the sly riposte I just let fly upon my sibling, whom you do not even know and is not here to defend himself? To be fair, I like him now, but at the time, YEESH. Robb was his name, an odd creature, younger yet more confident, howling bravely with his saxophone lessons whilst I tried desperately to read my copy of The Uncanny X-Men. But even that awkwardness was amplified, for I had a parent get remarried, and I inherited two new step-brothers. The younger one, Keith, was supportive of all my tastes, but I myself didn’t have much of a tangible personality yet, so that was a little confusing. The other one, Rick, was just a few months younger than me, and he had some interesting books.
Indeed, adventurer. Here comes the reveal. Rick had tomes full of dragons and eyeball monsters. And instructions on how to... meet them? You can imagine the tension boiling in my young brain as I considered the delightful possibility of bailing on this whole “being a kid who has to deal with other kids” thing and just hanging out with monsters. Rick was more than a step-brother, he was a gatekeeper to another plane. Which has some unfortunate connotations considering how into the Ghostbusters I was at the time and how much I resembled a young Rick Moranis, so just know that all I mean is that he had a book I really wanted access to.
I kept asking to borrow these books from Rick, and when he relented I took weeks to reread them. It was hard to reconcile with all reading I had done before. This was a rich story that I could... be in? With other people? Yes, I am using a lot of ellipses in this story, but O, the inner turmoil they must convey! This young shut-in had ingested a few dozen Choose Your Own Adventure books, so I had a rudimentary grasp of what was being implied by these… pushy books. I heard them call to me, their promise of adventure enticing. But I was particularly bad at that “other people” part of the game at this age, and so why were these very bossy books yelling at me to talk to other people?
Rick could see that I was struggling with the social aspect of D&D, and so he invited me to his friend Gene’s house, where he intended to play a round of Dungeons and Dragons in the near future. As soon as I was invited I said yes, then like a curse from Umberlee herself, my pores began to burst forth with sweat enough to ruin my Sears Toughskins. And I ask you, my heroic reading companion, is it or is it not funny that some of us adults get to gather around some pizza and talk about floaty eyeball monsters? Fair enough, maybe you do seaweed chips and liches, you do you.
Awkwardness Proficiency
My brother Rick and I walked to Gene’s house, and for a while this group just wanted to… chill? I did not know how to “chill” (arguably, I have still not figured it out). This kid named Hank wanted to talk about King Kong for what felt like years. I had a backpack full of pencils, notebooks, and monster drawings and no idea how to use them! WHY WERE WE NOT SHOWING EACH OTHER OUR MONSTER DRAWINGS YET? So loud was the voice in my head, that the voice in my mouth said nothing at all. I had created a were-badger and had invented rules for it and I needed a platform for it.
Finally Gene’s mom kicked us out of the house and we sat at a picnic table in Gene’s yard and it was declared that dungeons (and hopefully some dragons) were about to happen. To his horror, though, young me realized that this group would not going to be passing notes and drawings around like Monopoly. How was I going to pretend to have a second, only indirectly related personality? I barely even had a real one!
I was walked through the process of making a wizard, scolded for not having done it at home (who just makes a wizard at home, I thought, thrilled that I was being scolded for something as amazing as not making a wizard fast enough.). Sadly, I was not allowed to be a were-badger. Thank Bahamut for the 21st century’s homebrew community.
There was squirming, giggling, eye rolling, and barely any rules were observed the “proper” way. By today’s standards I am still not sure Dungeons and Dragons happened. But for me it did. And I can tell you this: when I shouted “MAGIC MISSILE” for the first time, it was a thing of ridiculous beauty. As of that day there were no "viral internet videos" of players shouting such phrases at each other in the woods to make me feel embarrassed. I only hit for 3 points of damage but it was as if something silly inside me was unlocked. I thought my voice was doing the damage somehow. I thought nearby patrolling police officers who read Chick tracts would overhear me, and I would be arrested. How worth it that arrest would have been. I was reborn, perhaps not as a were-badger, but as a person who could be silly and not feel bad about it. Basically what I intended were-badgers to be.
I hope you enjoyed Part One of my miniature Fantasy and Comedy autobiography, which hath just endeth! And I also hope it’s something you’d like to see more of around these parts. You’ll see Parts Two and Three soon. But in the meantime you might also see me write pieces about alignment, traps, and other more specific aspects of Dungeons and Dragons as well. May the road rise up to meet you*, adventurers!
*I am only a tiny bit Irish but I enjoy that phrase.
Dan Telfer is the Dungeons Humorist aka Comedy Archmage for D&D Beyond (a fun way they are letting him say "writer"), dungeon master for the Nerd Poker podcast, a stand-up comedian, a TV writer who also helped win some Emmys over at Comedy Central, and a former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion. He can be found riding his bike around Los Angeles from gig to gig to gaming store, though the best way to find out what he's up to is to follow him on Twitter via @dantelfer.
"comedy" and "humor" are strong words to use for whatever that is.....
Former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion," you say... how much of this article can we take seriously? ;D
nakliyat
Callooh Callay!
Love this!
Not that strange. Catholics are all over the place in terms of beliefs. Plus a lot of Catholics are very well educated. Catholicism and Judaism encourage that sort of thing
Comedy and fantasy in tandem is my jam! I'll absolutely have to check out your work, now that I know it exists! Congrats on writing for D&D Beyond!
TTRPGs are definitely inherently funny! I'm all about sharing funny RPG stories, and a surprising number of RPGtubers I follow just make animatics of the hilarious antics of their parties!
I love works like the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett and The Goblin Coprs by Ari Marmell. It just so happens that I also just released my debut comedic fantasy novel, The Mis-Adventurers: An (Almost) Epic Tale. So, yeah. Definitely a little obsessed with the combo of fantasy and humor.
Whether it's capturing the quirky charm of a D&D story's narrative or making a poignant commentary/satire of a familiar trope, comedy and fantasy go together like bread and butter, in my opinion, and I'm so excited to see what you've got. Thanks for the article!
I became all too aware of the inseparable phenomenons of roleplay and comedy just this week. I tried to run Call of Cthulhu, an rpg that challenges and strains the minds of the players in lovercraftian horror. Instead I ran Keeping up with the Kardashians, an rpg that challenged and destroyed my mind in reality tv fashion.
Stare deep into your phones children, drink deep from the cup of pumpkin spice mortals, but stay in the shallows of thought and you shall stay safe from him even as you drive those around you to him. Cthulhu ftagn.
A splendid opening article. I look forward to reading more.
@kimjallman:
We all can't all have had the privilege of being born before the last of the mammoths went extinct. In fact, a few of us have had the displeasure of being born during the Salem Witch Trials....
I grew up in the Bible Belt during the 90's morality crisis. My interests were often demonized (in a very literal sense) before I'd even had the chance to recognize they existed. Godzilla was the only one my parents never took away from me, because it seemed to them a logical, and in no way satanic progression of my interest in dinosaurs. Tolkien was spared, but virtually all other secular fantasy were "gateways to the devil's work". Pokemon? Witchcraft; and worse, from a country where they don't even speak English. D&D? You mean Devil and Damnation? Don't even get me started on when the Harry Potter Books started coming out in '97.
To give a proper scope at the level of censorship I lived with: I was not even permitted to watch Scooby Doo due to the "occult influence references".
But, the spark is not so easily snuffed. My father and uncles were avid fans of fantasy and science fiction. They did for me what they could. An entire argument on the parallels between the works of Tolkien and Christian precepts to sooth "concerned teachers" and the like. Lego sets, light sabers, and Godzilla. Nought but a few crumbs to feed the hunger. Crumbs and nothing more: but it was enough.
I played my first real game of Dungeons and Dragons while learning my trade during my first year in the Navy. I was 20 years old then. That was the year I found what had been missing from life. I would would only ever feel that way again when I met my wife, and when my sons were born. And I vow: my sons will not live through that level of oppression. Where what you come to love is taken away from you for no other reason than a tele-evangelist rolled a nat 20 on his Diplomacy (now Persuasion) check in 1989.
My wife doesn't understand D&D: but my sons seem to. Talking to my wife about things I do in D&D is like talking about the wonders of thermodynamics with a goldfish. She neither understands nor is interested. My sons, however, love hearing about how daddy beat a gnoll to death with a live sheep.
When I was young I only played DnD once. And my character was an armadillo. I really wish I had got back on it sooner.
Shine on, crazy were-badger diamond.
More. I love DnD Beyond for its useful feature set and videos (and some of the adventure ideas have been sparks of inspiration at the table) but this website needed this article.
Looking forward to the continuation of your autobiography as well as future articles on the many aspects of our shared past time of choice: The Dungeons and sometimes Dragons.
Until next time!
SAM_31, to be honest it's not that surprising. One of my primary school teachers was a full on bible thumping crazy lunatic (probably one of the reasons that put me off following religion, but made me learn more about religions!). Since joining the RAF 20 years ago I have met many Padre's (all religious figures in the forces are generally called Padre regardless of faith) only one of them has annoyed me as he was a bit fire and brimstone for my liking, all the others have been really chilled out. The Padre who conducted the marriage ceremony for me and my wife used to refer to me as his happy little heathen lol.
Religion like any walk of life has it's really chill people and then the gobshites that we hear constantly. Satanic Panic is perfect example, how many of those making noise were honest to god church going types, how many of them were just gobshites and how many other religious people did you not hear from?
wooowwww. Pretty good.
@Zyonchaos: Though it isn't for my country specifically: thank you for your service. USN myself, but I've relied on many UK counterparts over the years. Though: don't get me wrong. I'm put off of religion: not faith. Religion is a man-made institution of rules based on beliefs based on a small (ancient) group's interpretations. And once established, too few challenge those interpretations, and therefore the belief system. Religion today is hollow. Most people "believe" in it because it's what they were raised with. But I'm an American of heavy Scottish and Irish decent. My natural state of being is "having a row".
I'm so glad that younger nerds get the more connected feeling of the internet and that games like D&D are more easily accessible. When I was a wee bain I remember finding these books in a library (in which I worked, at least during high school... so not a wee bain, but it sure feels like it now) and lamenting not having anyone with which to play. I grew up in a pretty weird mix of sheltered and bullied childhood (more late 80's/early 90's, but I feel like we might've been in a similar place in the overarching themes.)
One of the interesting things that I've noticed about nerds of different genders has been that humour gets used in different ways. I can't say I have a paper about it to break down all the differences, but maybe it hooks into how humour is received when it comes out of different folks' mouths. Most of the guys in class could get away with humour. I wasn't really received the same way, which meant that it took WAY longer for me to get into social nerdy things and feel comfortable about it. Less practice being awkward and putting myself out there, but more time as I approached D&D from an adult's perspective on how to be compassionate and creative. (Much easier for a young girl nerd to get her awkward out of the way in forum and chat room RP where the stakes were a lot lower, than at a table, after all!)
I hope that your time writing here gets you in touch with lots of supportive folks and that you get a chance to feel comfortable in your role, Dan. One of the cool things about being a nerd who is putting themselves out there (the same as being a gal, or being queer for that matter, or being all of the above!) is that you really get a feel for learning what awkward feels like, and learning to get comfy inside of it. You COULD get mad, but letting it roll off your back and having fun making up stories with others is rewarding, too. tl;dr: learning to laugh at yourself (or laugh with others laughing at yourself) is one skill, but so is learning to accept that folks aren't always laughing at you, and that it's good to give the benefit of the doubt. Especially if you're in a position where you're leading, or teaching... oh, that part's really important!
Lending lots of support and confidence, man. D&D and humour go hand in hand. So do D&D and learning 'what do' between crazy characters in fiction and this real life of ours.
I related to this story to my core. For me it was the back woods of a little town in South Carolina, called Moncks Corner. A world away and not having any idea that there would ever be more than a handful of people that I'd ever get to share this with. I love this game and thank you for this story.
Dan, have you tried searching homebrew for “werebadger”? Hope you got results!
O frabjous day.
`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.