Snoutlaw 3 tries to get an opportunity attack on Burt as the rugged bastard turns his attention to the Snoutlaw Captain, but he can't because he died a minute ago. His ghost can be heard to faintly applaud as it transitions, snorting an approving "you son of a *****, Macklin!"
Distracted by the audacious manouevre, the Snoutlaw Captain completely forgets to not get stabbed. "Ouch!" he declares as the rapier slips beneath his ribs into the squidgy flesh and organs beneath.
18 - he does however remember to keep his iron grip on The Black Knight's hammy limbs (Sorry! Blame the dice, not me!)
Ahh, well done Macklin!, The slab of bacon thinks to itself as the ham headed Captains attention is diverted ever so slightly and the Knight of No Color jumps to his feet and exclaims, "Haha you foul swine leader type person! 'Twas not a slab of bacon, but me, your deepest darkest fear, (which I can say because I am of course the Black Knight, which would be at least dark, if not very deep really.) I have been keeping you distracted with my acting skills but alas your attention has failed you and you Shall Not Pass!"
The Knight, not having any weapons really other than a small dagger because up until recently he had no limbs and could only really hold the small knife in his mouth, and that just when someone would do him a solid and place it gently between his teeth grabs the weapon quickly and plunges his dagger toward the captain. (Attack: 24 Damage: 5)
Burt suddenly remembers that he's playing a game and he's a bard and he should probably be giving bardic inspiration to people and very suddenly and in the nick of time and at the end of this run on sentence and right before the end of his turn he yells BONUS ACTION BARDIC INSPIRATION TO THE HAM KNIGHT!!!!!!!
BK you can add a d6 to a saving throw or an attack........
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
This post has potentially manipulated dice roll results.
The Captain does a quick eeny-meeny between Burt (evens) and Greg (odds), deciding who to punch
Miny-mo : 7 - Greg!
9 for 4 - Oof! the Centaur takes a box right on the stump.
Meanwhile Snoutlaw 4 stops posing and rushes to his boss's aid
S4 vs Greg : 5 for 3 - the hapless centaur thanks his lucky stars the DM cut and pasted the last roll archer forgot to draw his sword.
And the remaining Snouties mix it up with the Bandits :
S1 v Jefe 20 for 2
S2 v Juan 7 for 1
Both bandits take opposite steps backwards, leaving them standing back to back like an Abba tribute band as the snouty steel flashes to the left and right of them.
The boar is enraged and charges at 6 (in order of closeness, juan, S2, Jefe, S1, Healy, Burt, Greg, Snout Cap, S4) - Jefe! -attack 23 for 3 - his charge carries him straight into the back of the bandit chief and most of the way through him, his tusks and snout bursting through Jefe's chest. As the boars momentum carries them both forward and off towards the road, he gives out a faint cry of "Sand my board down, commander! I'm coming!"
The Snoutlaw commander re-intensifies his stare-grip combo as if challenging the Black Knight to roll half-decently for a change.
Ahh, well done Macklin!, The slab of bacon thinks to itself as the ham headed Captains attention is diverted ever so slightly and the Knight of No Color jumps to his feet and exclaims, "Haha you foul swine leader type person! 'Twas not a slab of bacon, but me, your deepest darkest fear, (which I can say because I am of course the Black Knight, which would be at least dark, if not very deep really.) I have been keeping you distracted with my acting skills but alas your attention has failed you and you Shall Not Pass!"
The Knight, not having any weapons really other than a small dagger because up until recently he had no limbs and could only really hold the small knife in his mouth, and that just when someone would do him a solid and place it gently between his teeth grabs the weapon quickly and plunges his dagger toward the captain. (Attack: 24 Damage: 5)
Shocked by the Black Knight's ability to jump the pecking order despite his legs being paralysed, there's nothing the Captain can do but squeal as the knife goes in one ear and out the other. If he leans in, Burt might just see the glint of the blade behind the black pits of the swineman's pupils.
This post has potentially manipulated dice roll results.
Eager to prove himself and to finish this before the weekend, Greg rears back on his hind wheels, his rock hard man-abs glistening in the sun, his horse-flanks moist with beads of mammal-sweat, then charges a Snoutlaw 4
The snoutlaw is split in two, but strangly it's along the diagonal rather along the impact line of the glaive's blade, almost as if he wasn't put together properly in the first place. There is a moment where his internal organs hang in the air like meaty baubles in search of some entrailinous tree, then the energy equation catches up with them and they are scattered hither and thither.
Emboldended, Juan and Healy charge at the remaining 2 Snoutlaws who are looking very unsure of themselves all of a sudden.
Healy on S1 18 for 6
Juan on S2 20 for 6
And as their blades turn their competitors into cold cuts, a peace descends on the plains. Combat is over. So - what now?
Hey...I can just see the glint of a blade behind this guy's pupils! I'm leaning in, by the way. Burt turns to the bandits: Very well done! Bandit High Command will be ridiculously pleased with our report here. Mr. Healy, I'm sure you can take care of the wounds here. Except that one guy that looks like a lady, he looks pretty dead. But Jefe! You are well on your way to earning a spot in BHC. Here's what we really came here to tell you, though. Command wants you to stop all raids on Red Larch for a while, on focus on the war on snoutlaws, outlaws, in-laws, in-breeding, outhouses, snouthouses, henhouses, and the pecking order in general. Sooo....yeah. Leave Red Larch alone for now.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
Healy and Juan blink at you dumbly, wondering why you're talking to Jefe when he was carried away towards the road by a wild boar who's face had just been driven through the bandit captain's chest.
"Maybe we could try to catch up with them and tell him? But I'm not sure which way he went...." Healy asks hopefully.
Juan picks up a slimy, sausagelike length of Jefe's lower intestine. "He left a clue! If we follow this wet rope, we'll find him!"
Healy looks downcast for a moment, realising - as, I hope you all do - that Jefe cannot have survived that wound, nor his joyride across the countryside on the snout of a mad pig. The truth comes to him in an instant.
(And if the image doesn't appear, just tell me and don't be all arch about it this time. )
Whoops...I forgot to go back and read that edited part Burt says. Yeah that guys probably dead....soooo....congratulations, Healy! I'm promoting you officially to Bandit Captain. Would you like to say a few words? No? Great. Ok, so whatever I just said to this Jefe shaped tree that was very close to where he was standing which is why I was confused, that now applies to you.
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Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
It takes a few minutes for the words to sink in, but eventually Healy accepts his new position, straightening his back a little and then ordering Juan to drop the body-sausage and start tidying up the place. While Juan toils, Healy sits down by the camp's fire and puts his feet up on a nearby chest. "Clean faster, Juan!" he barks, and gives you a thumbs up to let you know that you can count on him.
"Uh, yes, yes, that's right, BHC it is for us. And let's just go ahead and take what valuables that may be laying around here, spare arms and legs too if you see any. We'll split it all up back at the tav..., um, HQ. Your lots share will be invested of course, drawing lots of interest and set aside for retirement and the glory years. Think they call it a 4URNOK or the like? Good work Healy," the Knight adds to sale the deal, "Sitting around barking orders to the others, you seem to be getting the hang of this management thing. We'll have you up to High Command in no time. And what with the battle veteran status and all, you're sure to zoom up through the ranks."
And as he gathers anything of value, especially, if it hasn't been mentioned before, arms and/or legs that would help to make him, "more of a man", oh, and a sword would do nicely too if one of those happened to be laying around, yes yes...so as I was saying... And as he gathers anything of value, he leans over to Burt and adds quietly, "That one's a bit snippy ain't he, should be fun for ol' Juan there."
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Though not currently a member, seeking admission to the really long and important signature club. Please consider this as a current CV.
Yeah, but Juan's a bit of a pansy, so I think it'll all work out. Juan is the loneliest number, you know. And he's the only Juan around. I Juan-der if he's ok with the killing, really. But having Juan the battle he should be fine, I suppose.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
Btw, my availability is limited this weekend, so if you thought the pace was slow and the posts were rushed nonsense before, you ain't seen nothing yet!
This post has potentially manipulated dice roll results.
Rummaging around the bodies, you find a number of strange looking coins in the pouches of the snoutlaws, about 22 of them in all, probably worth something. There's also 15 silver pieces and 22 copper pieces. The snoutlaws were all carrying short swords of fairly poor quality and a couple of the bows they dropped after their initial onslaught are still serviceable. There's also around 13 arrows in their quivers.
As you approach Kat's corpse to divest it of valuables, Healy cries "don't you touch her!" in choked tones equally dipped in bile and breaded in grief, leaping to his feet. He instantly apologizes but makes no move to back down.
Juan rights the cage as best he can but it's been badly damaged and won't stand up unaided. "Sir, the cage is shagged, sir!" He reports.
"Perhaps it's for the best" sighs Healy who's now cradling Kat's head and stroking her bloodied hair. "Somewhere in all the pig-catching and pig selling and being harassed by half man half pigs we lost sight of what was really important. Why we got into banditry in the first place. To take stuff from strangers and make the cry! Come on, Juan. Let's go find an unguarded merchant caravan."
The pair begin to gather their weapons to depart. What will you guys do next.
Well....you guys have a great time with that. I believe I remember seeing several unguarded caravans in the opposite direction of Red Larch....fairly far away by now. Should be able to catch am if you run! Quietly to TBK: Let's go get paid for this crap and see if we can get this campaign rolling. Good luck! BHC thanks you again! Burt motions impatiently to the one legged Gregged and heads back towards town.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
You trudge back towards the road, Stumpy Greg's squeak-clopping behind you taking on a slightly melancholic tone, almost as if he thought this was the campaign and maybe you can just about bloody well DM for yourself in your own highjacked thread if that's the way you feel about....
The road is easy to find - there's a trail of trampled grass and blood and entrails that leads all the way there, and a Jefe-corpse in the middle of the track to let you know you've arrived. He has one hand clawed towards the sky as if to grab a passing cloud to help pulls his spirit free, the other clutches his chest as if he's checking that he definitely has his wallet before offering to split a bill.
You can head left back towards town or right towards... well I haven't looked at the map but I'm pretty sure it's not-town.
"Ah to town," says the Unshaded Yet Quite Shaded Knight who also coincidentally agrees that it's getting more difficult to find some new way to say BK, although that does bring to mind a Whopper with Cheese, so he adds, "Food and an Ale would be good... if you recall, I missed out on the free snacks and wheely McGreggor over there spilt me ale. Not that I mind that at all Stump's old chap!" So he turns off left with Burt towards not-not-town.
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Though not currently a member, seeking admission to the really long and important signature club. Please consider this as a current CV.
Snoutlaw 3 tries to get an opportunity attack on Burt as the rugged bastard turns his attention to the Snoutlaw Captain, but he can't because he died a minute ago. His ghost can be heard to faintly applaud as it transitions, snorting an approving "you son of a *****, Macklin!"
Distracted by the audacious manouevre, the Snoutlaw Captain completely forgets to not get stabbed. "Ouch!" he declares as the rapier slips beneath his ribs into the squidgy flesh and organs beneath.
18 - he does however remember to keep his iron grip on The Black Knight's hammy limbs (Sorry! Blame the dice, not me!)
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
(DC WIS12 Save: 22)
Ahh, well done Macklin!, The slab of bacon thinks to itself as the ham headed Captains attention is diverted ever so slightly and the Knight of No Color jumps to his feet and exclaims, "Haha you foul swine leader type person! 'Twas not a slab of bacon, but me, your deepest darkest fear, (which I can say because I am of course the Black Knight, which would be at least dark, if not very deep really.) I have been keeping you distracted with my acting skills but alas your attention has failed you and you Shall Not Pass!"
The Knight, not having any weapons really other than a small dagger because up until recently he had no limbs and could only really hold the small knife in his mouth, and that just when someone would do him a solid and place it gently between his teeth grabs the weapon quickly and plunges his dagger toward the captain. (Attack: 24 Damage: 5)
Though not currently a member, seeking admission to the really long and important signature club. Please consider this as a current CV.
Other personalities... Burgee , The Colorless Knight, Fiorello, RW Goodbarrel, Dred, Evrik - Out of the Abyss & Dungeon of the Mad Mage
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Burt suddenly remembers that he's playing a game and he's a bard and he should probably be giving bardic inspiration to people and very suddenly and in the nick of time and at the end of this run on sentence and right before the end of his turn he yells BONUS ACTION BARDIC INSPIRATION TO THE HAM KNIGHT!!!!!!!
BK you can add a d6 to a saving throw or an attack........
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
The Captain does a quick eeny-meeny between Burt (evens) and Greg (odds), deciding who to punch
Miny-mo : 7 - Greg!
9 for 4 - Oof! the Centaur takes a box right on the stump.
Meanwhile Snoutlaw 4 stops posing and rushes to his boss's aid
S4 vs Greg : 5 for 3 - the hapless centaur thanks his lucky stars
the DM cut and pasted the last rollarcher forgot to draw his sword.And the remaining Snouties mix it up with the Bandits :
S1 v Jefe 20 for 2
S2 v Juan 7 for 1
Both bandits take opposite steps backwards, leaving them standing back to back like an Abba tribute band as the snouty steel flashes to the left and right of them.
The boar is enraged and charges at 6 (in order of closeness, juan, S2, Jefe, S1, Healy, Burt, Greg, Snout Cap, S4) - Jefe! -attack 23 for 3 - his charge carries him straight into the back of the bandit chief and most of the way through him, his tusks and snout bursting through Jefe's chest. As the boars momentum carries them both forward and off towards the road, he gives out a faint cry of "Sand my board down, commander! I'm coming!"
The Snoutlaw commander re-intensifies his stare-grip combo as if challenging the Black Knight to roll half-decently for a change.
TBK: Go!
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
Shocked by the Black Knight's ability to jump the pecking order despite his legs being paralysed, there's nothing the Captain can do but squeal as the knife goes in one ear and out the other. If he leans in, Burt might just see the glint of the blade behind the black pits of the swineman's pupils.
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
Eager to prove himself and to finish this before the weekend, Greg rears back on his hind wheels, his rock hard man-abs glistening in the sun, his horse-flanks moist with beads of mammal-sweat, then charges a Snoutlaw 4
23 - It's about ******* time. Damage 9 - THAT'S WHAT'S UP!
The snoutlaw is split in two, but strangly it's along the diagonal rather along the impact line of the glaive's blade, almost as if he wasn't put together properly in the first place. There is a moment where his internal organs hang in the air like meaty baubles in search of some entrailinous tree, then the energy equation catches up with them and they are scattered hither and thither.
Emboldended, Juan and Healy charge at the remaining 2 Snoutlaws who are looking very unsure of themselves all of a sudden.
Healy on S1 18 for 6
Juan on S2 20 for 6
And as their blades turn their competitors into cold cuts, a peace descends on the plains. Combat is over. So - what now?
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
Hey...I can just see the glint of a blade behind this guy's pupils! I'm leaning in, by the way. Burt turns to the bandits: Very well done! Bandit High Command will be ridiculously pleased with our report here. Mr. Healy, I'm sure you can take care of the wounds here. Except that one guy that looks like a lady, he looks pretty dead. But Jefe! You are well on your way to earning a spot in BHC. Here's what we really came here to tell you, though. Command wants you to stop all raids on Red Larch for a while, on focus on the war on snoutlaws, outlaws, in-laws, in-breeding, outhouses, snouthouses, henhouses, and the pecking order in general. Sooo....yeah. Leave Red Larch alone for now.
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
Healy and Juan blink at you dumbly, wondering why you're talking to Jefe when he was carried away towards the road by a wild boar who's face had just been driven through the bandit captain's chest.
"Maybe we could try to catch up with them and tell him? But I'm not sure which way he went...." Healy asks hopefully.
Juan picks up a slimy, sausagelike length of Jefe's lower intestine. "He left a clue! If we follow this wet rope, we'll find him!"
Healy looks downcast for a moment, realising - as, I hope you all do - that Jefe cannot have survived that wound, nor his joyride across the countryside on the snout of a mad pig. The truth comes to him in an instant.
(And if the image doesn't appear, just tell me and don't be all arch about it this time. )
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
Whoops...I forgot to go back and read that edited part Burt says. Yeah that guys probably dead....soooo....congratulations, Healy! I'm promoting you officially to Bandit Captain. Would you like to say a few words? No? Great. Ok, so whatever I just said to this Jefe shaped tree that was very close to where he was standing which is why I was confused, that now applies to you.
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
It takes a few minutes for the words to sink in, but eventually Healy accepts his new position, straightening his back a little and then ordering Juan to drop the body-sausage and start tidying up the place. While Juan toils, Healy sits down by the camp's fire and puts his feet up on a nearby chest. "Clean faster, Juan!" he barks, and gives you a thumbs up to let you know that you can count on him.
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
Sweet. Batman! Stumps! Let's get back to tow...er....Bandit High Command!
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
"Uh, yes, yes, that's right, BHC it is for us. And let's just go ahead and take what valuables that may be laying around here, spare arms and legs too if you see any. We'll split it all up back at the tav..., um, HQ. Your lots share will be invested of course, drawing lots of interest and set aside for retirement and the glory years. Think they call it a 4URNOK or the like? Good work Healy," the Knight adds to sale the deal, "Sitting around barking orders to the others, you seem to be getting the hang of this management thing. We'll have you up to High Command in no time. And what with the battle veteran status and all, you're sure to zoom up through the ranks."
And as he gathers anything of value, especially, if it hasn't been mentioned before, arms and/or legs that would help to make him, "more of a man", oh, and a sword would do nicely too if one of those happened to be laying around, yes yes... so as I was saying... And as he gathers anything of value, he leans over to Burt and adds quietly, "That one's a bit snippy ain't he, should be fun for ol' Juan there."
Though not currently a member, seeking admission to the really long and important signature club. Please consider this as a current CV.
Other personalities... Burgee , The Colorless Knight, Fiorello, RW Goodbarrel, Dred, Evrik - Out of the Abyss & Dungeon of the Mad Mage
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Yeah, but Juan's a bit of a pansy, so I think it'll all work out. Juan is the loneliest number, you know. And he's the only Juan around. I Juan-der if he's ok with the killing, really. But having Juan the battle he should be fine, I suppose.
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
Gimme a perception check, TBK
Btw, my availability is limited this weekend, so if you thought the pace was slow and the posts were rushed nonsense before, you ain't seen nothing yet!
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
(Perception: 13)
The
Prince ofDarkness, I mean Knight, sorry, yes, Knight, nods to Burt, "I suppose you're right, but it does make Juan think."Though not currently a member, seeking admission to the really long and important signature club. Please consider this as a current CV.
Other personalities... Burgee , The Colorless Knight, Fiorello, RW Goodbarrel, Dred, Evrik - Out of the Abyss & Dungeon of the Mad Mage
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Rummaging around the bodies, you find a number of strange looking coins in the pouches of the snoutlaws, about 22 of them in all, probably worth something. There's also 15 silver pieces and 22 copper pieces. The snoutlaws were all carrying short swords of fairly poor quality and a couple of the bows they dropped after their initial onslaught are still serviceable. There's also around 13 arrows in their quivers.
As you approach Kat's corpse to divest it of valuables, Healy cries "don't you touch her!" in choked tones equally dipped in bile and breaded in grief, leaping to his feet. He instantly apologizes but makes no move to back down.
Juan rights the cage as best he can but it's been badly damaged and won't stand up unaided. "Sir, the cage is shagged, sir!" He reports.
"Perhaps it's for the best" sighs Healy who's now cradling Kat's head and stroking her bloodied hair. "Somewhere in all the pig-catching and pig selling and being harassed by half man half pigs we lost sight of what was really important. Why we got into banditry in the first place. To take stuff from strangers and make the cry! Come on, Juan. Let's go find an unguarded merchant caravan."
The pair begin to gather their weapons to depart. What will you guys do next.
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
Well....you guys have a great time with that. I believe I remember seeing several unguarded caravans in the opposite direction of Red Larch....fairly far away by now. Should be able to catch am if you run! Quietly to TBK: Let's go get paid for this crap and see if we can get this campaign rolling. Good luck! BHC thanks you again! Burt motions impatiently to the one legged Gregged and heads back towards town.
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
You trudge back towards the road, Stumpy Greg's squeak-clopping behind you taking on a slightly melancholic tone, almost as if he thought this was the campaign and maybe you can just about bloody well DM for yourself in your own highjacked thread if that's the way you feel about....
The road is easy to find - there's a trail of trampled grass and blood and entrails that leads all the way there, and a Jefe-corpse in the middle of the track to let you know you've arrived. He has one hand clawed towards the sky as if to grab a passing cloud to help pulls his spirit free, the other clutches his chest as if he's checking that he definitely has his wallet before offering to split a bill.
You can head left back towards town or right towards... well I haven't looked at the map but I'm pretty sure it's not-town.
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
Burt turns left....he's pretty sure turning right will get him to not-town and that's not-where he wants to go.
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
"Ah to town," says the Unshaded Yet Quite Shaded Knight who also coincidentally agrees that it's getting more difficult to find some new way to say BK, although that does bring to mind a Whopper with Cheese, so he adds, "Food and an Ale would be good... if you recall, I missed out on the free snacks and wheely McGreggor over there spilt me ale. Not that I mind that at all Stump's old chap!" So he turns off left with Burt towards not-not-town.
Though not currently a member, seeking admission to the really long and important signature club. Please consider this as a current CV.
Other personalities... Burgee , The Colorless Knight, Fiorello, RW Goodbarrel, Dred, Evrik - Out of the Abyss & Dungeon of the Mad Mage
Site Rules & Guidelines || Tooltips || Homebrew FAQ || Snippet Codes || Syllvva's Guides