"I am not one of your fried chicken tramps! I'm a woman! I like my men dangerous - mysterious! You want to be my lover?! Earn it! Seduce me!" -Red Spy
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Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
The players were in Barovia and were getting along with Rictavio. Eventually they started questioning why Strahd hadn't come for someone as strong as him, and Rictavio claimed it was a trick he knew. Once the players asked about it:
Rictavio: It's a secret, my boy, but it has to do with the intellect!
Party, with an average intelligence of 8: OH NO, OUR ONE WEAKNESS!
So, this happened a really long while ago, and it isn't quite a quote (?), but I still hope it'll bring some laughs.
The bard in the group found an arcane item, a ring, to be specific, with the ability to swap out the physical gender of any person touched by the ring's wearer (regardless of what they identify as). Said bard proceeded to completely ignore even trying to read the worn script on the ring, slid it on, and promptly b**ch-slapped every member of the party, effectively swapping their physical gender for one in game hour. The rouge, being a hermaphrodite in the first place, didn't change at all, much to the surprise of everyone in the group, as everyone just assumed they were physically male. Absolute chaos ensued. If I remember correctly, the dialogue was as follows (paraphrased):
Paladin: What the fluffy bunnies was that for! How irrespo- (cuts off upon noticing the rouge was unchanged, and presently having a panic attack. The rest of the group stops glaring at the bard and follows the paladins's gaze. It takes a minute for the party to collectively realize what the sight means, but the second they do, the dungeon becomes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.)
Bard: "Ohhhh, snap..."
The rouge proceeded to f**cking bolt out of the room at top speed and hide in a crevice in the stonework in another room. The group went looking for them, and nothing too major came of the incident, but the "remember when" jokes that the party makes that to this day still send the rouge rushing out of the room with a blush are pretty hillarious. Moral of the story: Bards = chaos, and the rouges always have secrets to hide.
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- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
There are four players in my campaign, remember the names:
Gorok Steeljaw (Stonejaw back then), Hald Orc Barbarian.
Marochino Osverok, Triton Bard.
Syrus Niran, Tief warlock,
and Zeno Abras, Human Necromancer.
They were in a Ravine to help some of Syrus' old friends. These friends were Makkeal Kasaia, very fabulous Albino Tief Royal healer, and Xitharaael, nonbinary royal blacksmith and Angel (not Aasimar). Once saved, they picked up another helper, Itzal, drow fighter.
So the seven of them found themselves in Maro's Magnificent Mansion. All of us players had played Truth, Dare, Drink in Maro's Player's campaign, so we had a session dedicated to it in mine. Gorok brings out a bottle of wine and summons six of them (Makkeal was recovering from shit) to the ballroom to play. They bring in chairs and all sit down, where Gorok explains what they're doing and Xith, knowing their husband, grabs him.
So they're all sitting around in a weird amalgamation of chairs and couches from around the mansion.
Maro: Gorok, this was your idea, you go first.
Gorok: ok, Maro! Truth or dare!
Maro: ...Dare.
Gorok: SEDUCE ME.
Gorok's player had told everyone a few weeks back that Gorok was gay but didn't know it. So this was a surprise to us all.
Maro, +15 performance and bi as hell: ...are you SURE though.
Gorok: YES.
So Maro, knowing that Makkeal liked his skirts and...interesting clothing, goes into the closet and finds the most revealing outfit he can.
Me, panicking: It looks like Slave Leia without the top. *instant regret, this was modified to be a little more honest because nope*
So Maro goes over and sits on Gorok's lap.
Gorok? HAS HIS AWAKENING.
he FREAKS out, just red in the face internal screaming oh shit. Us players are laughing our asses off, and Maro's player asks if he succeeded. Yes, yes he did.
He didn't get off. He stayed which Gorok HATED.
So later in the game, people noticed how...funny Gorok's reaction is, so people send both Itzal and Xitharaael to sit on him too. Now, he has a strength of 18, but the emotional carnage was too much for him, so eventually everyone goes back to their seats. Many a personal question is asked, people get uncomfy.
So Gorok says, and I quote, '**** it', and pours a special liquor that he calls 'astral projection juice'.
Backstory to this!
Maro's player was playing a feral druid who appeared one day after an absence with some odd mushrooms. Gorok takes some and buys EXTREMELY strong whiskey to put the mushrooms into.
Now, my first thought is, "Y'all gon astral project if you drink this."
He ends up drinking is, as does the Warforged, but that's a whole 'nother thing.
So back up to speed. He pours some Special Sauce for everyone, NPCs included. Last question, he says, and it's Zeno's turn.
"What's the worst thing you've ever done?"
Everyone, hearing this, drank. Everyone but Itzal answered, but everyone drank.
Here come the saving throws.
everyone failed but Gorok, the Barbarian, and Zeno...the wizard. Everyone else dropped and seeing this, Gorok drinks again and purposefully fails his save.
Seeing everyone slumped over, Zeno, now drunk, exclaims, "I CAN HOLD MY LIQUOR BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU!"
so in the Astral dimension plane, everyone sees this. They also notice that Xitharaael, in this dimension, has wings and a halo. so Xith decides to mess with Zeno by doing small things like tapping him on the shoulder. So he freaks out, casts anti-life shell on himself, and SPRINTS to his room, Makkeal, Xitharaael, and Gorok in tow. Meanwhile, Syrus escapes to the water room (yes, a room full of water, long sotyr) and Maro goes back to his room. After a scuffle, the astral projectors declare victory and go back to their rooms. Gorok, now panicking in his room, is visited by Maro. He tries to phase through the floor, being incorporeal and all, but Maro grabs him. He manages to escape and floats down to the wine cellar, where he has a crisis. Here, Makkeal visits him and basically says, "Darling, you're gay, join the party!"
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
Oh! CEH8834's post reminded me of yet another shenanigan ina campaign I participated in. (Forgot to mention earlier, but I play the rouge mentioned in both this post and the previous.) Warning: slightly adultish content? Just in one of the truth questions was a bit... ?
The party was resting for the night in the forest, as they were deep into the heart of the pine woods, and far from any settlement or friendly encampment. (In this world, it was a bad idea to travel at night, as one could never know which waving shadows were merely common darkness and which were seductive hunters, waiting for someone to step into their deadly embrace to tear their flesh from the bone. Best to not take your chances. Stay in the light.) Needless to say, the mood was tense, as all members of the group were roughly confined to areas that were illuminated by the campfire or by personal means such as candles or magick. To alleviate some of that tenseness, the barbarian suggested playing some games (note that all of their suggestions were cute little games such as "one word story" or charades.) The monk, with an absolute s**t eating grin, suggested truth or dare, to which everyone reluctantly agreed. The monk went first, asking the rouge "Arian, truth or dare?" After a moment of thought, they responded with truth, and we're promptly asked to tell the group how many d**ks they'd touched in their life (said rouge was an undead character, but wasn't obviously so and nobody in the party knew, to clarify why it was worded that way). Needless to say, that question didn't get answered, and Arian immediately, just, kinda stopped working and only stammered something incoherent. Congratulations, you broke him. The rouge is now broken. He just... sorta shrank away and hid in his tent for the rest of the night.
What made the whole thing funnier was the fact that they often turn to sleeping with NPCs in exchange for information about their currect quest, and the monk ended up finding out about this, but promised not to tell the rest of the party because Arian insisted to them that it was soley for the purposes of gathering information and was thoroughly embarrassed by the ordeal. The monk, being an absolute jerk, then tred to circumvent that promise in absolutely any way they could. Long story short, chaos once again prevailed.
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- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
Fighter: I'm going to buy some apples Me: How many? Fighter: Just One Me: Alright, that's one copper Fighter: I don't have any copper, just gold. Me: Alright, 10 silver per gold, 10 copper per silver, so that's 99 co- Fighter: I buy 100 apples.
Fighter: I'm going to buy some apples Me: How many? Fighter: Just One Me: Alright, that's one copper Fighter: I don't have any copper, just gold. Me: Alright, 10 silver per gold, 10 copper per silver, so that's 99 co- Fighter: I buy 100 apples.
I have this happen all the time! Players don't want to do math, so they just buy everything they can, or give commoners 100 platinum pieces for a meal.
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Please check out my homebrew, I would appreciate feedback:
Fighter: I'm going to buy some apples Me: How many? Fighter: Just One Me: Alright, that's one copper Fighter: I don't have any copper, just gold. Me: Alright, 10 silver per gold, 10 copper per silver, so that's 99 co- Fighter: I buy 100 apples.
I have this happen all the time! Players don't want to do math, so they just buy everything they can, or give commoners 100 platinum pieces for a meal.
To be fair, this is a naval campaign so I just ruled that we now have a barrel of apples on the ship
A game of Truth, Dare, Drink. The Half-Orc, gay in denial, barbarian goes first.
barbarian: Bard! Truth or dare?
(male) bard: Dare.
Barbarian: SEDUCE ME.
everyone.: oh shit.
anyway, he learned something about himself that day and eventually had a breakdown while astrally projecting in a fake wine cellar. long story.
Nice.
Hello! I am just a relatively new D&D player, who also likes SimplePlanes and War Thunder.
My characters are:
I'm immediately reminded of "Expiration Date":
"I am not one of your fried chicken tramps! I'm a woman! I like my men dangerous - mysterious! You want to be my lover?! Earn it! Seduce me!" -Red Spy
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
lol
Hello! I am just a relatively new D&D player, who also likes SimplePlanes and War Thunder.
My characters are:
@CEH8834, wait, no. I wanna know the long story. This sounds fun. Only if u want.
she/it pronouns
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
Yes please.
Hello! I am just a relatively new D&D player, who also likes SimplePlanes and War Thunder.
My characters are:
The players were in Barovia and were getting along with Rictavio. Eventually they started questioning why Strahd hadn't come for someone as strong as him, and Rictavio claimed it was a trick he knew. Once the players asked about it:
Rictavio: It's a secret, my boy, but it has to do with the intellect!
Party, with an average intelligence of 8: OH NO, OUR ONE WEAKNESS!
So, this happened a really long while ago, and it isn't quite a quote (?), but I still hope it'll bring some laughs.
The bard in the group found an arcane item, a ring, to be specific, with the ability to swap out the physical gender of any person touched by the ring's wearer (regardless of what they identify as). Said bard proceeded to completely ignore even trying to read the worn script on the ring, slid it on, and promptly b**ch-slapped every member of the party, effectively swapping their physical gender for one in game hour. The rouge, being a hermaphrodite in the first place, didn't change at all, much to the surprise of everyone in the group, as everyone just assumed they were physically male. Absolute chaos ensued. If I remember correctly, the dialogue was as follows (paraphrased):
Paladin: What the fluffy bunnies was that for! How irrespo- (cuts off upon noticing the rouge was unchanged, and presently having a panic attack. The rest of the group stops glaring at the bard and follows the paladins's gaze. It takes a minute for the party to collectively realize what the sight means, but the second they do, the dungeon becomes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.)
Bard: "Ohhhh, snap..."
The rouge proceeded to f**cking bolt out of the room at top speed and hide in a crevice in the stonework in another room. The group went looking for them, and nothing too major came of the incident, but the "remember when" jokes that the party makes that to this day still send the rouge rushing out of the room with a blush are pretty hillarious. Moral of the story: Bards = chaos, and the rouges always have secrets to hide.
- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
ok, hold on to your asses.
There are four players in my campaign, remember the names:
Gorok Steeljaw (Stonejaw back then), Hald Orc Barbarian.
Marochino Osverok, Triton Bard.
Syrus Niran, Tief warlock,
and Zeno Abras, Human Necromancer.
They were in a Ravine to help some of Syrus' old friends. These friends were Makkeal Kasaia, very fabulous Albino Tief Royal healer, and Xitharaael, nonbinary royal blacksmith and Angel (not Aasimar). Once saved, they picked up another helper, Itzal, drow fighter.
So the seven of them found themselves in Maro's Magnificent Mansion. All of us players had played Truth, Dare, Drink in Maro's Player's campaign, so we had a session dedicated to it in mine. Gorok brings out a bottle of wine and summons six of them (Makkeal was recovering from shit) to the ballroom to play. They bring in chairs and all sit down, where Gorok explains what they're doing and Xith, knowing their husband, grabs him.
So they're all sitting around in a weird amalgamation of chairs and couches from around the mansion.
Maro: Gorok, this was your idea, you go first.
Gorok: ok, Maro! Truth or dare!
Maro: ...Dare.
Gorok: SEDUCE ME.
Gorok's player had told everyone a few weeks back that Gorok was gay but didn't know it. So this was a surprise to us all.
Maro, +15 performance and bi as hell: ...are you SURE though.
Gorok: YES.
So Maro, knowing that Makkeal liked his skirts and...interesting clothing, goes into the closet and finds the most revealing outfit he can.
Me, panicking: It looks like Slave Leia without the top. *instant regret, this was modified to be a little more honest because nope*
So Maro goes over and sits on Gorok's lap.
Gorok? HAS HIS AWAKENING.
he FREAKS out, just red in the face internal screaming oh shit. Us players are laughing our asses off, and Maro's player asks if he succeeded. Yes, yes he did.
He didn't get off. He stayed which Gorok HATED.
So later in the game, people noticed how...funny Gorok's reaction is, so people send both Itzal and Xitharaael to sit on him too. Now, he has a strength of 18, but the emotional carnage was too much for him, so eventually everyone goes back to their seats. Many a personal question is asked, people get uncomfy.
So Gorok says, and I quote, '**** it', and pours a special liquor that he calls 'astral projection juice'.
Backstory to this!
Maro's player was playing a feral druid who appeared one day after an absence with some odd mushrooms. Gorok takes some and buys EXTREMELY strong whiskey to put the mushrooms into.
Now, my first thought is, "Y'all gon astral project if you drink this."
He ends up drinking is, as does the Warforged, but that's a whole 'nother thing.
So back up to speed. He pours some Special Sauce for everyone, NPCs included. Last question, he says, and it's Zeno's turn.
"What's the worst thing you've ever done?"
Everyone, hearing this, drank. Everyone but Itzal answered, but everyone drank.
Here come the saving throws.
everyone failed but Gorok, the Barbarian, and Zeno...the wizard. Everyone else dropped and seeing this, Gorok drinks again and purposefully fails his save.
Seeing everyone slumped over, Zeno, now drunk, exclaims, "I CAN HOLD MY LIQUOR BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU!"
so in the Astral dimension plane, everyone sees this. They also notice that Xitharaael, in this dimension, has wings and a halo. so Xith decides to mess with Zeno by doing small things like tapping him on the shoulder. So he freaks out, casts anti-life shell on himself, and SPRINTS to his room, Makkeal, Xitharaael, and Gorok in tow. Meanwhile, Syrus escapes to the water room (yes, a room full of water, long sotyr) and Maro goes back to his room. After a scuffle, the astral projectors declare victory and go back to their rooms. Gorok, now panicking in his room, is visited by Maro. He tries to phase through the floor, being incorporeal and all, but Maro grabs him. He manages to escape and floats down to the wine cellar, where he has a crisis. Here, Makkeal visits him and basically says, "Darling, you're gay, join the party!"
eventually out shenanigans should be on YouTube, this session includes lol. Claws N' Crits, look for it. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0W517ed-6qTnoDRTk_wyxw?view_as=subscriber
That’s beautiful
she/it pronouns
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
Oh! CEH8834's post reminded me of yet another shenanigan ina campaign I participated in. (Forgot to mention earlier, but I play the rouge mentioned in both this post and the previous.) Warning: slightly adultish content? Just in one of the truth questions was a bit... ?
The party was resting for the night in the forest, as they were deep into the heart of the pine woods, and far from any settlement or friendly encampment. (In this world, it was a bad idea to travel at night, as one could never know which waving shadows were merely common darkness and which were seductive hunters, waiting for someone to step into their deadly embrace to tear their flesh from the bone. Best to not take your chances. Stay in the light.) Needless to say, the mood was tense, as all members of the group were roughly confined to areas that were illuminated by the campfire or by personal means such as candles or magick. To alleviate some of that tenseness, the barbarian suggested playing some games (note that all of their suggestions were cute little games such as "one word story" or charades.) The monk, with an absolute s**t eating grin, suggested truth or dare, to which everyone reluctantly agreed. The monk went first, asking the rouge "Arian, truth or dare?" After a moment of thought, they responded with truth, and we're promptly asked to tell the group how many d**ks they'd touched in their life (said rouge was an undead character, but wasn't obviously so and nobody in the party knew, to clarify why it was worded that way). Needless to say, that question didn't get answered, and Arian immediately, just, kinda stopped working and only stammered something incoherent. Congratulations, you broke him. The rouge is now broken. He just... sorta shrank away and hid in his tent for the rest of the night.
What made the whole thing funnier was the fact that they often turn to sleeping with NPCs in exchange for information about their currect quest, and the monk ended up finding out about this, but promised not to tell the rest of the party because Arian insisted to them that it was soley for the purposes of gathering information and was thoroughly embarrassed by the ordeal. The monk, being an absolute jerk, then tred to circumvent that promise in absolutely any way they could. Long story short, chaos once again prevailed.
- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
Nice
Hello! I am just a relatively new D&D player, who also likes SimplePlanes and War Thunder.
My characters are:
I came up with this hilarious line and had to use it for an mercenary NPC:
"Anything of high value comes at a high price. Especially me."
There is no dawn after eternal night.
Homebrew: Magic items, Subclasses
Player: "I'd like to stealth kill the orc in the tower."
Me: "You have a combat rifle."
If it's a modern assault rifle, you could just add the choice to add a suppressor on the end of the barrel.
Unfortunately not something they had. I still did a perception check and the orcs still failed it. We all had a good laugh over it.
Fighter: I'm going to buy some apples
Me: How many?
Fighter: Just One
Me: Alright, that's one copper
Fighter: I don't have any copper, just gold.
Me: Alright, 10 silver per gold, 10 copper per silver, so that's 99 co-
Fighter: I buy 100 apples.
I have this happen all the time! Players don't want to do math, so they just buy everything they can, or give commoners 100 platinum pieces for a meal.
Please check out my homebrew, I would appreciate feedback:
Spells, Monsters, Subclasses, Races, Arcknight Class, Occultist Class, World, Enigmatic Esoterica forms
To be fair, this is a naval campaign so I just ruled that we now have a barrel of apples on the ship
I'm sure this isn't the case, but I'd like to imagine the scene with the orcs went a little something like this:
Orc 1: "Oi, what's that?"
*Both orcs pause, listening intently to the distinct sound of an automatic rifle rattling off*
Orc 2: "Sounds like a penguin to me."