Out of context quotes

"Did your mom give birth on a minefield?" 

"Meet me in the underworld so we can have a fair fight!".

"Oh, look, Boney McBonerson's back. Let's kill him again and get on with it."

"Hey, DM, does cheese count as organic matter?"

"What do you mean I can't move the immovable rod?!?!"

"Can I eat a torch?"

"That's seven damage, so I kill myself."

"Can I have like a five-second existential crisis?"

"I heard you like to ransack cities, that sounds like fun!"

"I'm not drunk, I'm just hungover."

“Is this fish a drug addict?”

"Using the power of your grippy socks, you successfully swing and throw the horse into the pit."

“EAT the goblin NOW or it will SPOIL!”

I might be a mammoth

"Hold the patient. It is time to perform surgery."

“Give me the cheese and no one gets hurt”

"you cant do that with a dragon"-one of my players
"why not"-another one of my players

i dont think context is needed

Little late but here’s one:

”you mean we have to go through the stone and become mud people?!?”

"Hey, aren't you named after the like the goddess of love and beauty, because..."

(It was in an out of game conversation, which made it funnier, and we still tease him every chance)

Here’s a few I have from a week of PBP adventure:

"No... he hasnt done anything wrong yet let him run in fear."

"I don't know where this has been, so I'm not going to put it in my ear."

“Be careful, it _may_ squirt out some of the adhesive mimic goo on to you if you’re not.” "It better not."

“Can someone unstick me from this chair? The glue is getting very itchy.” (DM)

*whoever’s next, please for the love of God just kill this poor mimic. It came in expecting takeout and instead is being turned into a rack for your straw collection* (DM)

*The mimic just wants to either eat a gnome or diiiiiiiiiiiiiiie but you won’t let it* (DM)

“Hold still, you counterfeit cupboard!”

"Let them go before I shove this quarterstaff up somewhere that you won't like!!"

*The mimic quickly realizes that it shouldn’t have drunk the dragon-breath wine…* (DM)

“Terva, I know it's hard 🤢 but just breathe 🤢 slow & steady! The smell 🤢 should fade soon!” <sounds of fear and retching from the terrified gnome>

“Um, shouldn't we be looking for a Mimic instead of attacking a poor innocent rug?"

*can I throw my javelin at this rug?*

I walk to the next room. The kitchen and begin to stab and slash at everything.

"Just stab it if it moves. No point in wasting time." I move to the dining room and begin stabbing things.

"Shall we burn the place to the ground, then?" “Uh, how about we _don’t_ do that. Most of this place is carved stone anyway.” "Then only the mimic will be burnt."

"Is there dirt in the forest?"

"Is the shark pregnant?"

"Every Tuesday, we each get one wavy-hair potion"

"Every time anybody sees Kyreo, he smells like wet fur"

"I invent insurance and sell it to the nearest person."

also this entire 70 page ongoing document of a dnd podcast i listen to

https://docs.google.com/document/d/17PeyvefU1ENu0G-tCW9HsgAfMeyMEolLRwi6-qgiZPg/edit?usp=sharing

I had my players play as pretty much amnesiacs. This was their first response after waking up in metal cages

Player 1: So I'm in a cage?

Me: Yes.

Player 1: So you're 100% sure I'm in a cage?

Me: ...yes?

Player 2: I'm going to try to smash the cage.

Me: Go ahead and roll a strength check

Player 2: ... never mind.

Player 3: I'M GOING TO CAST THUNDERWAVE

Literally everyone else: Please don't.

Player 3: Fine.

Player 4: I'm going to try and aggressively meditate to make the cage open.

Me: ... what.

You can bet I'm never going down that route again