Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
You get a d28 by rolling a d20 and a d9 and subtracting 1. You get a d9 by rolling 2d5-1. You get 2d5 by rolling 1d4+1d6. Easy! :P
(Or more simply: 1d20+1d6+1d4+(-2) = 1d28)
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Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
So our DM does a One-Shot, telling us to make a Level 20 character, with no context other than that.
Surprise!
It's a PVP death-battle!
I whipped up a Divine Soul Sorcerer Aasimar, fighting against a Human Barbarian, a Wood Elf Druid, and a Dragonborn Monk.
Now...my Sorcerer was an evil-looking bastard: a level in Hexblade gave him black, wicked looking armor. Corrupted by Bane, this once good-aligned aasimar was now a cruel, wraith-like servant with glowing red eyes and bat-like wings.
Eventually, the barbarian chucks three javelins into the air from a tower, stabbing all three into my Sorcerer's chest.
The sorcerer looks down at his impaled body, back to the barbarian, and lifts both his hands...using his bonus action to use "Unearthly Recovery"...and then his aasimar racial ability to heal again.
The javelins push themselves out of his body while his flesh knits itself back together, nearly back at full health.
The sorcerer looks down at the barbarian, and with a hoarse whisper, they utter one word (only one of two words that entire fight): "More."
The player of the barbarian turns to the DM, and says: "So I'm going the f*ck back inside. The barbarian is terrified."
One of the few instances where playing an evil character was quite fun.
Every time I DM for someone playing an evil and or chaotic aligned character, I have to physically restrain myself from yeeting a ridiculously overpowered child npc at them just to mess with them, lmao.
"Oh, you want to cast fireball at the infant? Hahahahaha roll initiative, biach."
(I learned for experience [aka shit that I've done when I'm not the DM] there is always going to beone person who will try, and succeed to adopt the baby that you gave the stats of an elder dragon, and will proceed to ruin the entire campaign.)
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- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
The_Lightless_One, you're right, but it's funnier when said NPC is legitimately a small child whom then proceeds to wreak havoc on anyone who messes with them. Like, they just smack someone with a teddy bear and it instakills them.
If the NPC were a changeling, it wouldn't be quite as hilarious as having your character killed by a baby, of all things.
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- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
here’s a highlight reel of my party’s best quotes.
from the time my players blew up the capital: Me DM: “if you where to light a match in here the entire city would go up in flames.” the gold Dragonborn paladin “ I want to use my breath weapon” Me (exasperated) “are you sure about that?” dragon born staring me down like a matador “ Absolutely” Me “ as you realease your flame there is a split second where everything seems wrong and then there is a bright light and then you don’t see anything at all because you are dead, vaporized, atomized, you don’t exist.)
That one time they fed the NPC to a dragon turtle: The party barbarian aukaun “ I want to push the wizard overboard.” Me dm who knows what en outer I rolled and what is currently in the water under the boat “ you see him fall into the water and go under, and then you see this massive shadow move out from under the boat and rise to meet his shape in the water and then the shadow covers over him and you can hear a very loud crunch.”
my current party’s new pet: me tired “George, Gregory, whatever his name is!” The entire party “Geoffrey” me done with these people “ yes geoffory the glitter fish, he’s fine you just fed him more of that gnomes weird fish food, he is still opaline and glittery and completely happy in his glass flower vase.”
stuff I just remember out of context:
” she comes in to find you both reasons drawn tearing down a wall with a previously teapot shaped hole in it accompanied by the sounds of shattering porcelain from outside.”
” Yes the foot bar”
” I want to steal all the silverware he’s got, and only the silverware.”
The clepto rogue ”I start looting the place” Me the DM “ this is your house!!! Like you own it no strings attached.”
” Your pet dinosaur makes rather efficient if messy work of the guards, you are free to go murder someone else now. “
“ apparently we all do musical numbers here.”
“ yes you make keep the tarantula you Just found, no I cannot promise you it is not venomous, no I cannot promise it won’t bite you, it genuinely seems to dislike you, uuuuuugggggg, yess you may keep it on your shoulder, it bites you immediately.” This was all one conversation he Legitimately picked up a tarantula He found in a sewer and Immediate put it on his shoulder. He was also I must Add a rogue with poor animal handling skills.
“ a figure of a massive male ogre appears clad in a scanty Dress almost identical to that of the nurse from animaniaks. I can’t believe I just had to say that.” My reaction to my illusionist wizards strange illusion request.
Uttered by me during character introductions when the party paladin (not the LG paladin/cleric from earlier. Different character.) was described as hating all goblins. It turned into a running joke within the campaign, with phrases such as "Ah yes, casual deadism" when a shopkeeper refused to sell wares to an undead PC, and "Ah yes, casual sexism" when the DM introduced a guild of all male mercenaries. There was also a whole spiel of "Ah yes, casual misgendering", but that's a whole different story.
The party wizard (named Ozzy. Go figure.) was trying to seduce the princess of a neighbouring kingdom. In order to stop said kingdom from turning agianst us due to his repeatedly attempts (even after the princess politely stated that she was a lesbian and in a happy relationship), we all agreed to have a silencing spell cast on him. The first thing he said upon the spell being lifted was "Ah yes, casual ****blocking". Cue a five minute break because everyone was laughing too hard to continue. He got slapped across the face by the druid.
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- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
This is beautiful. I love this. Give this man a prize.
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she/it pronouns
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
This is from a sourcebook so i doubt it counts, but it's still funny:
"the city council are a diverse lot. Some are crooked, some are idealists, and one of them appears to be an owl"
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I am a human person very good at doing human person things, yes yes, i enjoy normal human person things like wearing clothes on my skin and walking with my leg, yes yes, am not a yuan-ti infiltrator, am human person
IF YOU'RE READING THIS GO WATCH INFINITY TRAIN ON HBOMAX
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
I mean, I fought cheese demons in dnd, so I guess that would be a thing? Cheese Knives: 1d8 damage (piercing). Can roll 1d8 extra piercing damage and has advantage on attack rolls against monsters of the “cheese” type.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
she/it pronouns
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
I mean, I fought cheese demons in dnd, so I guess that would be a thing? Cheese Knives: 1d8 damage (piercing). Can roll 1d8 extra piercing damage and has advantage on attack rolls against monsters of the “cheese” type.
We ended the session amidst fits of rage, frustration, and laughter
-Anders
Don't worry. The map will come back.
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
(Or more simply: 1d20+1d6+1d4+(-2) = 1d28)
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
So our DM does a One-Shot, telling us to make a Level 20 character, with no context other than that.
Surprise!
It's a PVP death-battle!
I whipped up a Divine Soul Sorcerer Aasimar, fighting against a Human Barbarian, a Wood Elf Druid, and a Dragonborn Monk.
Now...my Sorcerer was an evil-looking bastard: a level in Hexblade gave him black, wicked looking armor. Corrupted by Bane, this once good-aligned aasimar was now a cruel, wraith-like servant with glowing red eyes and bat-like wings.
Eventually, the barbarian chucks three javelins into the air from a tower, stabbing all three into my Sorcerer's chest.
The sorcerer looks down at his impaled body, back to the barbarian, and lifts both his hands...using his bonus action to use "Unearthly Recovery"...and then his aasimar racial ability to heal again.
The javelins push themselves out of his body while his flesh knits itself back together, nearly back at full health.
The sorcerer looks down at the barbarian, and with a hoarse whisper, they utter one word (only one of two words that entire fight): "More."
The player of the barbarian turns to the DM, and says: "So I'm going the f*ck back inside. The barbarian is terrified."
One of the few instances where playing an evil character was quite fun.
Every time I DM for someone playing an evil and or chaotic aligned character, I have to physically restrain myself from yeeting a ridiculously overpowered child npc at them just to mess with them, lmao.
"Oh, you want to cast fireball at the infant? Hahahahaha roll initiative, biach."
(I learned for experience [aka shit that I've done when I'm not the DM] there is always going to beone person who will try, and succeed to adopt the baby that you gave the stats of an elder dragon, and will proceed to ruin the entire campaign.)
- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
That's what shapeshifters are for...
There is no dawn after eternal night.
Homebrew: Magic items, Subclasses
"I create an illusion of Acererak and in his hands, he holds PIE"
The_Lightless_One, you're right, but it's funnier when said NPC is legitimately a small child whom then proceeds to wreak havoc on anyone who messes with them. Like, they just smack someone with a teddy bear and it instakills them.
If the NPC were a changeling, it wouldn't be quite as hilarious as having your character killed by a baby, of all things.
- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
here’s a highlight reel of my party’s best quotes.
from the time my players blew up the capital: Me DM: “if you where to light a match in here the entire city would go up in flames.” the gold Dragonborn paladin “ I want to use my breath weapon” Me (exasperated) “are you sure about that?” dragon born staring me down like a matador “ Absolutely” Me “ as you realease your flame there is a split second where everything seems wrong and then there is a bright light and then you don’t see anything at all because you are dead, vaporized, atomized, you don’t exist.)
That one time they fed the NPC to a dragon turtle: The party barbarian aukaun “ I want to push the wizard overboard.” Me dm who knows what en outer I rolled and what is currently in the water under the boat “ you see him fall into the water and go under, and then you see this massive shadow move out from under the boat and rise to meet his shape in the water and then the shadow covers over him and you can hear a very loud crunch.”
my current party’s new pet: me tired “George, Gregory, whatever his name is!” The entire party “Geoffrey” me done with these people “ yes geoffory the glitter fish, he’s fine you just fed him more of that gnomes weird fish food, he is still opaline and glittery and completely happy in his glass flower vase.”
stuff I just remember out of context:
” she comes in to find you both reasons drawn tearing down a wall with a previously teapot shaped hole in it accompanied by the sounds of shattering porcelain from outside.”
” Yes the foot bar”
” I want to steal all the silverware he’s got, and only the silverware.”
The clepto rogue ”I start looting the place” Me the DM “ this is your house!!! Like you own it no strings attached.”
” Your pet dinosaur makes rather efficient if messy work of the guards, you are free to go murder someone else now. “
“ apparently we all do musical numbers here.”
“ yes you make keep the tarantula you Just found, no I cannot promise you it is not venomous, no I cannot promise it won’t bite you, it genuinely seems to dislike you, uuuuuugggggg, yess you may keep it on your shoulder, it bites you immediately.” This was all one conversation he Legitimately picked up a tarantula He found in a sewer and Immediate put it on his shoulder. He was also I must Add a rogue with poor animal handling skills.
“ a figure of a massive male ogre appears clad in a scanty Dress almost identical to that of the nurse from animaniaks. I can’t believe I just had to say that.” My reaction to my illusionist wizards strange illusion request.
"Like hell I'm going into your weird hole!"
It's funnier without context.
- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
Oh, here's another quote I almost forgot!
"Ah yes, casual racism."
Uttered by me during character introductions when the party paladin (not the LG paladin/cleric from earlier. Different character.) was described as hating all goblins. It turned into a running joke within the campaign, with phrases such as "Ah yes, casual deadism" when a shopkeeper refused to sell wares to an undead PC, and "Ah yes, casual sexism" when the DM introduced a guild of all male mercenaries. There was also a whole spiel of "Ah yes, casual misgendering", but that's a whole different story.
The party wizard (named Ozzy. Go figure.) was trying to seduce the princess of a neighbouring kingdom. In order to stop said kingdom from turning agianst us due to his repeatedly attempts (even after the princess politely stated that she was a lesbian and in a happy relationship), we all agreed to have a silencing spell cast on him. The first thing he said upon the spell being lifted was "Ah yes, casual ****blocking". Cue a five minute break because everyone was laughing too hard to continue. He got slapped across the face by the druid.
- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
This is beautiful. I love this. Give this man a prize.
she/it pronouns
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
This is from a sourcebook so i doubt it counts, but it's still funny:
"the city council are a diverse lot. Some are crooked, some are idealists, and one of them appears to be an owl"
I am a human person very good at doing human person things, yes yes, i enjoy normal human person things like wearing clothes on my skin and walking with my leg, yes yes, am not a yuan-ti infiltrator, am human person
IF YOU'RE READING THIS GO WATCH INFINITY TRAIN ON HBOMAX
"Does a cheese knife count as a finesse weapon?"
I think so, yep.
she/it pronouns
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
Wouldn't it just be dex?
There is no dawn after eternal night.
Homebrew: Magic items, Subclasses
Maybe, but if anything it would be light.
she/it pronouns
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
Is it to fight cheese?
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
I mean, I fought cheese demons in dnd, so I guess that would be a thing?
Cheese Knives: 1d8 damage (piercing). Can roll 1d8 extra piercing damage and has advantage on attack rolls against monsters of the “cheese” type.
she/it pronouns
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
1d8? So it's better than a shortsword?
There is no dawn after eternal night.
Homebrew: Magic items, Subclasses