Another quote from your resident failure (aka me)!
Mom friend ™ PC, casting zone of truth after the infamous rouge (played by me) did something suspicious for the millionth time: "Alright, tell me the truth. Who are you really?"
Me, the rouge they were attempting to find out the backstory and identity of: "If I had any idea, I'd tell you. All I know is that I'm an absolute mess... Oh, and I'm dead, if that helps answer you at all."
Much laughter ensued. Idk if it's as funny to you guys as it was to everyone there (maybe it was just a "you had to be there" thing), but hopefully at least someone will find it amusing. Maybe is was hilarious to the group because my rouge was trying so, so hard to act and be "normal" and ended up just outing themselves so casually. Poor baby.
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- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
Another quote from your resident failure (aka me)!
Mom friend ™ PC, casting zone of truth after the infamous rouge (played by me) did something suspicious for the millionth time: "Alright, tell me the truth. Who are you really?"
Me, the rouge they were attempting to find out the backstory and identity of: "If I had any idea, I'd tell you. All I know is that I'm an absolute mess... Oh, and I'm dead, if that helps answer you at all."
Much laughter ensued. Idk if it's as funny to you guys as it was to everyone there (maybe it was just a "you had to be there" thing), but hopefully at least someone will find it amusing. Maybe is was hilarious to the group because my rouge was trying so, so hard to act and be "normal" and ended up just outing themselves so casually. Poor baby.
Revived Rogue, I take it?
That's exactly the sort of situation where that subclass shines.
"We have two options: the long, winding path through farmland, or the short road through the mysterious monster-filled desert. Long and boring, or short and exciting. Much like my relationships."
(Yes, it was the Bard if you must know. She got Intellect Devourer'd last night :'( )
"When you think about it, DnD is basically the fantasy version of 'Oregon Trail'."
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Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie." Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me. I'm allergic to fireball
(My halfling bard had just ordered drinks for the table for the second time)
DM: "I'm curious...is your character an alcoholic?"
Me: "No, he's just a fun-loving halfling who enjoys a drink here and there!"
DM: "Alright then, definitely an alcoholic..."
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"It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
I got bored one day, booted up a document .exe and a new folder, and went to work filling it with homebrew monsters for a NITW style mini-campaign. After I'd done a few (note: I was not holding back at all on the spoop factors. Like, major spoopiness.), I shared the folder with my DA (who basically helps me plan stuff and yells at the players for me when they get off track). Said DA simply responded "Nope. Not today, Satan". I think I might have given them nightmares. Oops.
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- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
"What's texting?" "What's your crow-wave supposed to be?" "What's a moovy?" "What's a sell-fone?" "What's your crow-fone supposed to be?" "What's a Kamra?" "Do I want to know what a cam-pewter is? Sounds like a lead sex toy." "What's a sex toy?"
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Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
(for relevance) This campaign was set in a school and one PC was getting bullied by about half the bullies in his grade which isn't very many as this was a decent school and we dont use alignment we use the insanity and moral stats and every time he got bullied or kicked around his would go down by .5)
Him (OCC): "does my dad hunt?"
Me(DM): "I don't see why not this is a town that is that kind of town"
Him:"Can I go to the courthouse my character is a legal adult and I want to change his name"
Me: "sure"
*a few sessions later and the PC got approval*
Me: " So whats your new name?"
Him at a table of 4 other people +me: "Colombine"
Me: *not relizing what was going to happen some how* "well is Monday so everyone has to go to school again except for those that are out of state"
*the next day*
Him:" I want to bring dads gun to school for hunting over the time off"
I'm getting flashbacks to my dysfunctional BG:DiA campaign just by reading that
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I am a human person very good at doing human person things, yes yes, i enjoy normal human person things like wearing clothes on my skin and walking with my leg, yes yes, am not a yuan-ti infiltrator, am human person
IF YOU'RE READING THIS GO WATCH INFINITY TRAIN ON HBOMAX
This makes me happy. Because of how relatable to my players that is.
dragonborn ranger: my preferred enemy is dragons! I will kill them all!
halfling barabarian: well, I haven’t seen a dragon in my whole life, so do you just have advantage on suicide rolls?
Me, the dm: you see a half-tabaxi rogue run away, yelling someone’s name into the building.
the half elf rogue: I throw my knife at the filthy neku and be done with her.
me: well, I mean, make an attack roll against the major npc, I guess. Because your racist.
in a conversation with the same npc, her friend, and the rest of the party:
half elf: so, sorry for throwing that knife at you earlier. It’s just your ears were annoying me and I hadn’t killed anything in a week, sooooo.....
half tabxi’s friend: Wait, you threw a knife at her!
me: and, due to your idiocy and racism, roll initiative.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
she/it pronouns
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
“Did you just say ‘The Briv’?” “It must be the effect of this town.” -Keen and Briv
“Something is really really wrong here! I am sorry, I have deceived thee, but I have been putting on an act! Obviously no one likes me enough to make a big giant statue! And this is all incredibly incredibly boned! And we’re probably all going to die! And so I’m just simply trying to figure out what in the Nine Hells is actually happening! And we need to be prepared for anything!” - Briv
And a few from Silver and Steel:
“I think cute and scary is a good combination!” - Cally
“I just can’t have people believing in me.” “That’s where you always went wrong, man. You wanted people to believe the wrong parts.” - Avren and Freely
“I would like to think we all qualify as a little weird, but good.” - Cally
Me, to the rest of my party: "Guys, I have a plan, so can we please, please not ruin it this time! I'm going to seduce the gaurd to the right and convince him to meet me in the empty gaurdhouse, where I can then convince him to give me a tour of the fortress. (Paladin), I want you to attack the gaurd on the left once the gaurd I seduce and I are out of sight. Hide the body, and put on their armour. I'll recon the base, tell the living gaurd to meet me at the gaurdhouse agian, assassinate him, and take his armour myself. Then, I'll report back to you and tell you the layout of the base. We go in pretending to be the gaurds. If anyone asks why we aren't at our posts, say we traded off with two other gaurds and are currently on break. The Bard and barbarian will be at the gate dressed in spare armour from the gaurdhouse to deter anyone who gets suspicious of our alibi, and stall any enemy support troops from getting in while we're busy trying to steal the ring. We grab the ring, walk back out the gate, pretend to trade off with the bard and barbarian, and let any troops waiting there through. The Bard and barbarian should go to the gaurdhouse when we dismiss them, and wait for us there. Once the coast is clear and we're the only ones waiting outside the gate, we run into the gaurdhouse, grab the Bard and barbarian, and run off. No one will ever know! Sound good?"
Party: *Agrees*
Also party: *Proceeds to completely ignore my well thought out plan and reduce all but one player to 1 health*
The best part is we didn't even get the ring. They moved it to an entirely new base after the party attacked that one, so now we have to go and locate the new stronghold and try it all agian. *Sigh*
I mean, cheese knives are secretly powerful enchanted item in disguise, you know.
- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
Another quote from your resident failure (aka me)!
Mom friend ™ PC, casting zone of truth after the infamous rouge (played by me) did something suspicious for the millionth time: "Alright, tell me the truth. Who are you really?"
Me, the rouge they were attempting to find out the backstory and identity of: "If I had any idea, I'd tell you. All I know is that I'm an absolute mess... Oh, and I'm dead, if that helps answer you at all."
Much laughter ensued. Idk if it's as funny to you guys as it was to everyone there (maybe it was just a "you had to be there" thing), but hopefully at least someone will find it amusing. Maybe is was hilarious to the group because my rouge was trying so, so hard to act and be "normal" and ended up just outing themselves so casually. Poor baby.
- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
So the paladin/cleric is fighting a water elemental, and the bard uses Bardic Inspiration...
"Kick 'im in the water!"
Hombrew: Way of Wresting, Circle of Sacrifice
Revived Rogue, I take it?
That's exactly the sort of situation where that subclass shines.
"We have two options: the long, winding path through farmland, or the short road through the mysterious monster-filled desert. Long and boring, or short and exciting. Much like my relationships."
(Yes, it was the Bard if you must know. She got Intellect Devourer'd last night :'( )
Situation: Hobgoblin army attacks my party from above. We fly up and kill most of them, get 3 survivors.
I command them to climb down the cliff, as I fly back. One falls, and I ask "Am I close enough to grab him?"
DM "Nope."
After he dies, we walk over to strip him of his coins. Another party member replies "Too bad you didn't memorize Featherfall today."
Me: "Uh, Oops. I forgot I had memorized that."
"When you think about it, DnD is basically the fantasy version of 'Oregon Trail'."
Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken
Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie."
Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings
Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me.
I'm allergic to fireball
(My halfling bard had just ordered drinks for the table for the second time)
DM: "I'm curious...is your character an alcoholic?"
Me: "No, he's just a fun-loving halfling who enjoys a drink here and there!"
DM: "Alright then, definitely an alcoholic..."
"It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."
Ever try to fight cheese with a shortsword?
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Guys, I- I think I broke my Dungeon Assistant.
I got bored one day, booted up a document .exe and a new folder, and went to work filling it with homebrew monsters for a NITW style mini-campaign. After I'd done a few (note: I was not holding back at all on the spoop factors. Like, major spoopiness.), I shared the folder with my DA (who basically helps me plan stuff and yells at the players for me when they get off track). Said DA simply responded "Nope. Not today, Satan". I think I might have given them nightmares. Oops.
- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
(Our wizard, trying to study an ancient tome)
Wizard: "I can't figure this out!"
Me, the Warlock of the Fiend: "Give me that."
Me:...
Me: "You're reading it upside down."
Wizard: "...Oh."
You got any spare change? I need some spare change.
When RP and IRL collide:
"What's texting?"
"What's your crow-wave supposed to be?"
"What's a moovy?"
"What's a sell-fone?"
"What's your crow-fone supposed to be?"
"What's a Kamra?"
"Do I want to know what a cam-pewter is? Sounds like a lead sex toy."
"What's a sex toy?"
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Traps don't kill people Rogues failing their perception checks kill people
(for relevance) This campaign was set in a school and one PC was getting bullied by about half the bullies in his grade which isn't very many as this was a decent school and we dont use alignment we use the insanity and moral stats and every time he got bullied or kicked around his would go down by .5)
Him (OCC): "does my dad hunt?"
Me(DM): "I don't see why not this is a town that is that kind of town"
Him:"Can I go to the courthouse my character is a legal adult and I want to change his name"
Me: "sure"
*a few sessions later and the PC got approval*
Me: " So whats your new name?"
Him at a table of 4 other people +me: "Colombine"
Me: *not relizing what was going to happen some how* "well is Monday so everyone has to go to school again except for those that are out of state"
*the next day*
Him:" I want to bring dads gun to school for hunting over the time off"
Me: "thats not o- screw balls"
Him: *Smiles* "Im going to shoot up the school"
Idk if you'll find these as funny as I did, but these are the ones I like. the last one's my favourite. :)
Kordly: "shut up, busty crustacean."
Kordly, in the same conversation as the last one: "awwww! that's so gay :)"
Lazurus (and Stephen as well after it was said the first time): "Salmon, and I cannot stress this enough, in the holy water."
Stephen: *spits blood* "F-ck you and ACAB, b-tch." *gets f-cking decked*
Police officer: "I can kill you."
Stephen: "First you have to prove I can die!"
Lazarus: "OHHHH, she's racist!!! okay."
Lazarus: "I am NOT a pet."
Lazarus, again: "I'm not a f-cking cat, I'm catFOLK, so shut the f-ck up. "
Lazarus, in a tavern, two minutes later: "Yeah, uh, can I have some milk?"
Kordly: "OH SHIT, IT'S A CHUNKY BOI!!!!"
Lazarus: *dreamy sigh* "Benjamin...."
Kordly: "wait, I thought you were straight?"
Lazarus: "I am!!!! I'm straight, with a preference for Benjamin. :)"
I'm getting flashbacks to my dysfunctional BG:DiA campaign just by reading that
I am a human person very good at doing human person things, yes yes, i enjoy normal human person things like wearing clothes on my skin and walking with my leg, yes yes, am not a yuan-ti infiltrator, am human person
IF YOU'RE READING THIS GO WATCH INFINITY TRAIN ON HBOMAX
This makes me happy. Because of how relatable to my players that is.
dragonborn ranger: my preferred enemy is dragons! I will kill them all!
halfling barabarian: well, I haven’t seen a dragon in my whole life, so do you just have advantage on suicide rolls?
Me, the dm: you see a half-tabaxi rogue run away, yelling someone’s name into the building.
the half elf rogue: I throw my knife at the filthy neku and be done with her.
me: well, I mean, make an attack roll against the major npc, I guess. Because your racist.
in a conversation with the same npc, her friend, and the rest of the party:
half elf: so, sorry for throwing that knife at you earlier. It’s just your ears were annoying me and I hadn’t killed anything in a week, sooooo.....
half tabxi’s friend: Wait, you threw a knife at her!
me: and, due to your idiocy and racism, roll initiative.
she/it pronouns
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
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InsiderMy favorite quotes from Beyond Heroes last week:
“Do you have mount envy right now?” - Penelope
“Did you just say ‘The Briv’?”
“It must be the effect of this town.” -Keen and Briv
“Something is really really wrong here! I am sorry, I have deceived thee, but I have been putting on an act! Obviously no one likes me enough to make a big giant statue! And this is all incredibly incredibly boned! And we’re probably all going to die! And so I’m just simply trying to figure out what in the Nine Hells is actually happening! And we need to be prepared for anything!” - Briv
And a few from Silver and Steel:
“I think cute and scary is a good combination!” - Cally
“I just can’t have people believing in me.”
“That’s where you always went wrong, man. You wanted people to believe the wrong parts.” - Avren and Freely
“I would like to think we all qualify as a little weird, but good.” - Cally
Find me on Twitter: @OboeLauren
Me, to the rest of my party: "Guys, I have a plan, so can we please, please not ruin it this time! I'm going to seduce the gaurd to the right and convince him to meet me in the empty gaurdhouse, where I can then convince him to give me a tour of the fortress. (Paladin), I want you to attack the gaurd on the left once the gaurd I seduce and I are out of sight. Hide the body, and put on their armour. I'll recon the base, tell the living gaurd to meet me at the gaurdhouse agian, assassinate him, and take his armour myself. Then, I'll report back to you and tell you the layout of the base. We go in pretending to be the gaurds. If anyone asks why we aren't at our posts, say we traded off with two other gaurds and are currently on break. The Bard and barbarian will be at the gate dressed in spare armour from the gaurdhouse to deter anyone who gets suspicious of our alibi, and stall any enemy support troops from getting in while we're busy trying to steal the ring. We grab the ring, walk back out the gate, pretend to trade off with the bard and barbarian, and let any troops waiting there through. The Bard and barbarian should go to the gaurdhouse when we dismiss them, and wait for us there. Once the coast is clear and we're the only ones waiting outside the gate, we run into the gaurdhouse, grab the Bard and barbarian, and run off. No one will ever know! Sound good?"
Party: *Agrees*
Also party: *Proceeds to completely ignore my well thought out plan and reduce all but one player to 1 health*
The best part is we didn't even get the ring. They moved it to an entirely new base after the party attacked that one, so now we have to go and locate the new stronghold and try it all agian. *Sigh*
Edit: Autocarrot did a thing again.
- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
One of my friends was describing another campaign he'd been in, with a party entirely comprised of Wizards...
(they come upon a magical door blocking their path)
Abjuration Wizard: (whistles) "Now THAT is a sturdy door."
Evocation Wizard: "Well, I'll just blast it with my fireball..."
Conjuration Wizard: "That's your answer for everything! I'll conjure us a key or lockpick to open the lock..."
Transmutation Wizard: "Why bother with that when I can just transform the door!?"
Enchantment Wizard: "Maybe I can convince someone on the other side to open the door..."
Illusion Wizard: "Well, I can make it SEEM like the door opened..."
Evocation Wizard: "HOW does that HELP even a LITTLE BIT? Everybody, just stand clear...it's blasting time..."
Divination Wizard: "That...isn't going to work out too well, I'm afraid."
Evocation Wizard: "...dammit."
Bladesinger: "I HAVE A SWOOOORD...!"
Everyone: "NODBODY CARES!"