Hollow unbreakable arrows are the most OP common magic item, and my current method of coming up with insane combat shenanigans.
if you make a steel pipe with one end closed and a nozzle on the other, you can enlarge it, fill with any liquid, and then drop concentration, creating a high pressure squirt gun. (or a pipe bomb, depending if it holds)
Sorcerer: My character is mortally afraid of birds.
DM: *sigh* Roll for attack.
Sorcerer: Nat 20 to hit! 97 for crit dmg! Is the bird dead?
DM: How could it not be! You just punched it to death!
Bard: Im going to back away slowly....
Sorcrerer to Bard: Wise choice.
The fact that someone mortally afraid of birds would get into a fight with a bird rather than running away screaming, or cowering in the corner crying is rather weird.
Reflexive panic punching? I nearly bodyslammed a child working at a haunted house out of panic once and then I felt really bad
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Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie." Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me. I'm allergic to fireball
DM: "You put on the robe. It's very big on you. When you put it on, you also feel that you shouldn't be wearing this. It doesn't belong to you, and you feel anxious and guilty." Warlock: "What? Raven doesn't feel guilt!" Bard: "Well now you do!" Warlock: "That's the magic of this item! I feel guilty!"
Warlock: "I'll take this and give it to Fel, because it seems like a wizard robe. It seems like it's meant for Fel. Maybe it'll kill him. If it does, that's one thing we don't have to worry about doing that anymore!"
(The warlock [who often talks with his patron through telepathic communication] attuned themself to an orb of dragonkind without knowing what it was and ended up being charmed by it) Dragon: "Puny excuse for a false dragon. You are the property of Carsath the Nocuous. You shall cause untold fear and suffering in my name, maiming the wills and resistances of all before us. Your spirit will be crushed under the weight of the corpses of countless others'. Only then will you have my permission to die-" Patron: "What manner of wyrm is this...? Why art thou here?" Dragon: "Who are you? Come out you coward. I'll give you a verbal thrashing which you will never recover from." Patron: "Oh, splendid! I have simply been DYING for some witty conversation. The child is a treasured instrument, but, alas, not even an Instrument of The Bards can hold an intelligent conversation~"
Warlock: "Well Carseth, welcome to the mind palace, it's kind of getting crowded in here"
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Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie." Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me. I'm allergic to fireball
(bad guy keeps killing & resurrecting a Death Cleric just to torture them)
"Yeah, you keep praying to that God of Death, buddy!"
(digs fingers into players skull)
"...they ain't coming any time soon."
Most if not all ressurect spells require the target to be willing.
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This Mug immediately shared with me a transcendental tale of an Infinite Mug that anchors the Universe and keeps it from folding in on itself. I filed this report under "illogical nonsense" and asked why its sign is in Times New Roman font, when it is basic knowledge that Arial Black is a far superior font. I wondered: How did this mug even get past the assembly line with its theistic beliefs and poor font choices?
quote from Romantically Apocalyptic byVitaly S Alexius
“The daughter of the Lord of Lies is known as The Dark Prodigy…to even begin to FATHOM the depths of Glasyia’s schemes or manipulations would require insight beyond a mere mortal…if you wish to see if she’s being truthful, the DC is going to be really high…”
”NATURAL 20!”
”…mother F*CKER!!”
”…fine. She’s in LOVE, dammit all…and if she catches on that you know; she’ll have you BEGGING for death.”
“Oh…oh, no…we are never getting out of here, are we?”
Deku: "Hi my name is Deku and I think that the darkness in all of us should come to an end. Miss Lich you may now kiss your new husband, Bakugou."
Bakugou: "Curse you Deku !!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sounds like something bakugou would say
yea Bakugou was a barbarian and Deku was a paladin. Sadly, for Bakugo he now has 3 wives. Miss Lich #1, A succubus named Jessie #2, and a Dragon in the shape of a human named Selin #3. All with Deku as the paster
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"Demons Love and Fear Me" - "Demons Fear and Love Me"
Eleventh level party of Ferrin (half elf wizard/artificer), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Xanlar (half elf paladin), and Nu (axolotl shifter druid), plus NPCs Phillip (human ranger), and Pin the kobold (rogue).
Nu: "Are we supposed to be here?" Serena: "I guess that depends on who you ask."
=== Shortly after an encounter with rust monsters...
Serena: "So you aren't using it? We have a friend that needs a really good violin, we could take it off your hands for you." Varenian [ghost bard lich]: "You are a spellcaster, would you give away your mace to anyone who asks for it just because you aren't using it?" Serena: "I look at the rusted, messed up mace then say 'Would you like to trade?'"
Nu: "They put fish in a croissant? WTF?" Ferrin: "Does Nu want to speak with the chef?" Nu: "I want to complain."
Serena: "I cast thaumaturgy to make Pin hear mildly hostile whispers from just behind him for a second." Pin: "Yeah, yeah, I get it you can do magic. Real mature, Ferrin!"
DM: "You guys keep thinking that all of my NPCs are ********." Ferrin: "You brought this upon yourself!"
Nu: "I offer Serena a rock. They got a lot of calcium! It's good for your bones!"
Nu: "The rocks are alive, Serena!"
Investigating an underground vault that includes dusty living quarters.
Serena: "The bed doesn't seem like it's been used for a while, how fresh it that food?" Nu: "I take a bite." DM: "It sucks!" Nu: "Ackpth!"
Nu: "Okay, I'm gonna summon eight giant bats. Then get out. I'm out!"
Nu: "Now the bats surrounding it are going to take the dodge action."
Xanlar's sentient cursed dagger has suddenly turned into a huge demonic murderous monster.
Xanlar: "This is Karl! He's still our friend even if he doesn't remember right now!" Serena: "I'm not feeling any friendship right now!" Nu: "We had to kill my dad!"
Referencing something from several sessions earlier.
Ferrin: "When was that?" Nu: "I think two or three days ago." DM: "It was yesterday." Ferrin: "It feels like it's been weeks!"
Serena: "Does the key look like it might fit the lock of the chest that I opened with my mace?" DM: "Yes." Serena: "Can I cast mending on the chest I opened with my mace?"
Nu: "I really want to shoot the box." Ferrin: "Why do you distrust this box?" Nu: "I've never seen it before!"
Fake coins. Nu: "I really wanna shoot the box." Ferrin: "You do not have to attack the box!"
Nu: "Giant bats are the new sponge."
Nu: "I want to summon a bear and store it in my flute." DM: "Okay, you have plenty of time but roll performance to see how long it takes to get the full bonuses." *seventeen rolls to get a 15 with a -1 mod* Ferrin: "That 2 there is thinking it might work better breathing in instead of out."
Worth noting that Nu's player is Canadian and dislikes non-metric measurements.
Nu: "I have windwalk we can go 545 miles." Ferrin: "Does Nu know what miles are?" Nu *ooc*: "I don't know what those are."
Serena and Phillip saying goodbye, which includes kissing...
Ferrin: "I cover Nu's eyes." Afterwards... Ferrin: "Is it safe to uncover Nu's eyes?" Nu: "I've fallen asleep."
Ferrin: "Nu, have you ever been outside of the swamp?" Nu: "Nope! Never!" Pin: "Okay, see this stuff? It's called dirt. Notice that it's dry."
Serena: "We should find a good place to camp." Nu: "If there's a hill I'm already rolling down it."
The party, after over a year of playing the campaign, finally "returns" to the capital city of Solstice (Nu isn't from there and the others all left as part of their backstories before the events of the game). Wartime security means it's difficult and tedious to get through customs and into the city. Serena tries casting sending to her old mentor at the Temple of Pelor...which is where she ran away from in the middle of the night roughly five months ago because she'd been forbidden from going to help the war effort. Her mentor is less than pleased to suddenly hear from her asking for a favor.
Serena: "How many times is he casting sending to give me this lecture?" Ferrin: "I love this cleric chain casting a third level spell to lecture you."
Customs Lady: "What's that creature?" Serena: "We found it in the swamp and our druid adopted it. It's mostly tame." Customs Lady: "And the pink fella?" *pointing at Nu* Ferrin: "We also found them in the swamp. They're mostly tame."
Waitress: "It's called a sandwich because apparently somebody got the idea from some lady in the desert who does magic."
Pin: "You really aren't going to trust me?" Serena: "Have you met you?" Pin: "Have you noticed you turned into your mother?" Serena: "Have you noticed that I'm a priestess? I'm supposed to be responsible and shit!" Xanlar: "The shit part is the most important!" Serena: "Oh, so you've already met my instructors?"
Ferrin instructed Odette, his weasel familiar, to go "wait for Serena" with no further orders and is currently well out of telepathic contact range. DM: "You come out of the building and see just Odette sitting there looking at you." Serena: "Did they already leave without me?" *Odette nods* Serena: "Can you tell Ferrin that I can get us in?" *Odette just blinks*
Nu sees Solstice royal guards for the first time...
Nu: "They have pretty capes." Ferrin: "Please don't touch their capes." Nu: "Aw."
Fifth to sixth level party with Kohein (elf rogue/arcane trickster), Ketthan (tabaxi monk), Perri (human warlock), True (changeling cleric that frequently uses the aliases of Verity [female half-elf] and Gospel Glosswood [old geezer elf man]), Priest Painter (elf necromancer), and Yuma (human hexblade/paladin). Party is accompanied by NPCs Lo (human monk), Vermina (human energetic nerd of yet undetermined class) and Tenoch (firbolg orphan boy working as out translator [region has a different "common" that we don't speak]. Setting is a massive underground realm something like a cross between "Journey to the Center of the Earth" and Arthur Conan Doyle's "Lost World" with a prehispanic Mesoamerican theme.
Perri: "Kohein's being that guy. 'I'm tired, does a 26 hit?'" DM: "What would you think if I said it didn't?" Kohein: "I would be very concerned."
Perri: "Can I push him off the wall into the fire?" DM: "Shove attack, roll athletics. He got an 18." *Perri rolls a crit for 24* DM: "F--- that guy!"
DM: "F in chat as the guy dies." Perri: "He stabbed my ankles, I have no remorse."
Painter: "Friendship is magic." Kohein: "So is necromancy!"
DM: "And the fire over here is spreading even more, the camp is definitely burning." Perri: "Oh, I forgot to do a concentration check for my bonfire when I took that damage last turn." DM: "It doesn't really matter at this point." Perri: "This is no longer my fire. It's our fire."
Realizing that we've wiped out all her minions and her fort is on fire, the BBEG's lieutenant we came after casts dimension door and flees, but Kohein is perched on top of the wall where he's been sniping with Little Sir (Perri's pseudodragon familiar) perched on his shoulder and giving the help action to gain advantage on his attacks.
Kohein: "She's still in longbow range!" *Critical hit with sneak attack* DM: "You did 34 damage with one arrow?"
A couple of friendly soldiers whom we saved in the battle wish to swear service to one of us...
Perri: "I point at Ketthan." Ketthan: "Why me?" Kohein: "Perri doesn't want minions?" Perri: "Do you want Perri to have minions?" DM: "Well, only half the camp is on fire..."
Perri: "I pick up the papers. Can I read them?" DM: "Do you know elvish?" Perri: "No. I hand them to Koko." Kohein: "I read the papers."
Vermina gets kidnapped and we have to rescue her. She starts to fight back right as we spring.
Vermina: "I did it!" Kohein: "Apparently she doesn't see the arrow sticking out of the guy's face."
Kohein: "I will totally read the dead chick's diary."
Kohein: "Well, their main base was under the mountain that is now a huge glowing green fuming butthole in the ground."
Another sneak attack crit from Kohein, now leveled up with even more dice.
DM: "Don't even bother rolling damage, just describe it." *Rolls 55 damage* DM: Holy crap! That's just wrong!"
Kohein: "I really don't think these guys know anything useful. They're just dumb goons." Yuma: "I chop the guy's head off with my macahuitl." Ketthan: "Hey, you didn't have to do that!" Kohein: "Yeah, you could have given me a warning so I could've stepped back out of the splatter zone!" Ketthan: "That's not what I meant!"
Another player had to save the rest of the party from a game of tug-of-war with smart, evil chickens. I'm completely certain that everyone would have died.
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"Hero of the Heavens" (Title by Drummer)
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"hot take: casting finger of death on yourself is like the 5-minute-crafts version of lichdom."
(edit: fixed the link to the spell because i am dumb and never get it right first try)
she/any - member of the spider guild :D - official elesh norn enthusiast
current characters:
-Zalia Moonkeeper, tiefling abjuration wizard/alchemist artificer
-Philomena Silverthread, changeling assassin rogue
-Glass, kenku vengeance paladin
“I think you fell”
Hollow unbreakable arrows are the most OP common magic item, and my current method of coming up with insane combat shenanigans.
if you make a steel pipe with one end closed and a nozzle on the other, you can enlarge it, fill with any liquid, and then drop concentration, creating a high pressure squirt gun. (or a pipe bomb, depending if it holds)
“YOU’RE A TERRIBLE VILLAIN! YOU CAN’T EVEN DECIDE WHETHER YOU’RE A CHAMELEON OR GECKO!”
The characters, Goldleaf, Krulk, and Vondal talking after a battle during a (voluntary) TPK:
Goldleaf: “I want you to know, I love you guys. Well Krulk. Not Vondal. He sucks.” *Dies*
Vondal: “WHAAAAAAAT!?” *Dies*
Krulk: “Eh, I didn’t like either of them. They did some cool things I guess.” *Casts Fireball on himself and dies*
RIP Tavern.
All hail King Jovan Fluffycloud Prince
Teleporting elf monk supremacy!, but druids are better
[Cactus]Waffles!”I don’t have any good quotes to put in my sig.” -Me
The fact that someone mortally afraid of birds would get into a fight with a bird rather than running away screaming, or cowering in the corner crying is rather weird.
A caffeinated nerd who has played TTRPGs or a number of years and is very much a fantasy adventure geek.
Reflexive panic punching?
I nearly bodyslammed a child working at a haunted house out of panic once and then I felt really badMorrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken
Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie."
Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings
Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me.
I'm allergic to fireball
DM: "You put on the robe. It's very big on you. When you put it on, you also feel that you shouldn't be wearing this. It doesn't belong to you, and you feel anxious and guilty."
Warlock: "What? Raven doesn't feel guilt!"
Bard: "Well now you do!"
Warlock: "That's the magic of this item! I feel guilty!"
Warlock: "I'll take this and give it to Fel, because it seems like a wizard robe. It seems like it's meant for Fel. Maybe it'll kill him. If it does, that's one thing we don't have to worry about doing that anymore!"
(The warlock [who often talks with his patron through telepathic communication] attuned themself to an orb of dragonkind without knowing what it was and ended up being charmed by it)
Dragon: "Puny excuse for a false dragon. You are the property of Carsath the Nocuous. You shall cause untold fear and suffering in my name, maiming the wills and resistances of all before us. Your spirit will be crushed under the weight of the corpses of countless others'. Only then will you have my permission to die-"
Patron: "What manner of wyrm is this...? Why art thou here?"
Dragon: "Who are you? Come out you coward. I'll give you a verbal thrashing which you will never recover from."
Patron: "Oh, splendid! I have simply been DYING for some witty conversation. The child is a treasured instrument, but, alas, not even an Instrument of The Bards can hold an intelligent conversation~"
Warlock: "Well Carseth, welcome to the mind palace, it's kind of getting crowded in here"
Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken
Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie."
Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings
Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me.
I'm allergic to fireball
"Ah, Gazpacho, I see we meet again."
Nikolai Buckman | vampire | bard
Solace Redgrove | tiefling | bard
Most if not all ressurect spells require the target to be willing.
This Mug immediately shared with me a transcendental tale of an Infinite Mug that anchors the Universe and keeps it from folding in on itself. I filed this report under "illogical nonsense" and asked why its sign is in Times New Roman font, when it is basic knowledge that Arial Black is a far superior font. I wondered: How did this mug even get past the assembly line with its theistic beliefs and poor font choices?
quote from Romantically Apocalyptic by Vitaly S Alexius
(Wizard with the “Gambler” background)
”I wager 20 gold that one of us gets killed by these assassins.”
(battle concludes with no casualties)
”…crap; I lost the bet.”
(Wizard with the “Gambler” background at a high school rugby game)
Wizard: (to the Fighter playing the game) “Go, go GO…!!”
Bard: “You’re really getting into this, huh?”
Wizard: “I wagered a hundred gold that the home team wins.”
Bard: “A hundred GOLD!?”
Wizard: “I owe the mafia some money.”
Bard: “How the hell do you have mafia connections!?”
(Fighter wins the rugby game)
Wizard: (weeping) “Now they won’t break my legs…!”
Not if you’re a deity! ; )
Druid: "All I'm saying is, sometimes the hawk diving for the mouse doesn't notice the jaguar stalking him in the shadows. You understand?"
Ranger: "No."
Nikolai Buckman | vampire | bard
Solace Redgrove | tiefling | bard
“The daughter of the Lord of Lies is known as The Dark Prodigy…to even begin to FATHOM the depths of Glasyia’s schemes or manipulations would require insight beyond a mere mortal…if you wish to see if she’s being truthful, the DC is going to be really high…”
”NATURAL 20!”
”…mother F*CKER!!”
”…fine. She’s in LOVE, dammit all…and if she catches on that you know; she’ll have you BEGGING for death.”
“Oh…oh, no…we are never getting out of here, are we?”
Deku: "Hi my name is Deku and I think that the darkness in all of us should come to an end. Miss Lich you may now kiss your new husband, Bakugou."
Bakugou: "Curse you Deku !!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Demons Love and Fear Me" - "Demons Fear and Love Me"
High Nerd, Demon King
Sounds like something bakugou would say
yea Bakugou was a barbarian and Deku was a paladin. Sadly, for Bakugo he now has 3 wives. Miss Lich #1, A succubus named Jessie #2, and a Dragon in the shape of a human named Selin #3. All with Deku as the paster
"Demons Love and Fear Me" - "Demons Fear and Love Me"
High Nerd, Demon King
"Skin the fishes!"
I have a weird sense of humor.
I also make maps.(That's a link)
Eleventh level party of Ferrin (half elf wizard/artificer), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Xanlar (half elf paladin), and Nu (axolotl shifter druid), plus NPCs Phillip (human ranger), and Pin the kobold (rogue).
Nu: "Are we supposed to be here?"
Serena: "I guess that depends on who you ask."
===
Shortly after an encounter with rust monsters...
Serena: "So you aren't using it? We have a friend that needs a really good violin, we could take it off your hands for you."
Varenian [ghost bard lich]: "You are a spellcaster, would you give away your mace to anyone who asks for it just because you aren't using it?"
Serena: "I look at the rusted, messed up mace then say 'Would you like to trade?'"
Nu: "They put fish in a croissant? WTF?"
Ferrin: "Does Nu want to speak with the chef?"
Nu: "I want to complain."
Serena: "I cast thaumaturgy to make Pin hear mildly hostile whispers from just behind him for a second."
Pin: "Yeah, yeah, I get it you can do magic. Real mature, Ferrin!"
DM: "You guys keep thinking that all of my NPCs are ********."
Ferrin: "You brought this upon yourself!"
Nu: "I offer Serena a rock. They got a lot of calcium! It's good for your bones!"
Nu: "The rocks are alive, Serena!"
Investigating an underground vault that includes dusty living quarters.
Serena: "The bed doesn't seem like it's been used for a while, how fresh it that food?"
Nu: "I take a bite."
DM: "It sucks!"
Nu: "Ackpth!"
Nu: "Okay, I'm gonna summon eight giant bats. Then get out. I'm out!"
Nu: "Now the bats surrounding it are going to take the dodge action."
Xanlar's sentient cursed dagger has suddenly turned into a huge demonic murderous monster.
Xanlar: "This is Karl! He's still our friend even if he doesn't remember right now!"
Serena: "I'm not feeling any friendship right now!"
Nu: "We had to kill my dad!"
Referencing something from several sessions earlier.
Ferrin: "When was that?"
Nu: "I think two or three days ago."
DM: "It was yesterday."
Ferrin: "It feels like it's been weeks!"
Serena: "Does the key look like it might fit the lock of the chest that I opened with my mace?"
DM: "Yes."
Serena: "Can I cast mending on the chest I opened with my mace?"
Nu: "I really want to shoot the box."
Ferrin: "Why do you distrust this box?"
Nu: "I've never seen it before!"
Fake coins. Nu: "I really wanna shoot the box."
Ferrin: "You do not have to attack the box!"
Nu: "Giant bats are the new sponge."
Nu: "I want to summon a bear and store it in my flute."
DM: "Okay, you have plenty of time but roll performance to see how long it takes to get the full bonuses."
*seventeen rolls to get a 15 with a -1 mod*
Ferrin: "That 2 there is thinking it might work better breathing in instead of out."
Worth noting that Nu's player is Canadian and dislikes non-metric measurements.
Nu: "I have windwalk we can go 545 miles."
Ferrin: "Does Nu know what miles are?"
Nu *ooc*: "I don't know what those are."
Serena and Phillip saying goodbye, which includes kissing...
Ferrin: "I cover Nu's eyes."
Afterwards...
Ferrin: "Is it safe to uncover Nu's eyes?"
Nu: "I've fallen asleep."
Ferrin: "Nu, have you ever been outside of the swamp?"
Nu: "Nope! Never!"
Pin: "Okay, see this stuff? It's called dirt. Notice that it's dry."
Serena: "We should find a good place to camp."
Nu: "If there's a hill I'm already rolling down it."
The party, after over a year of playing the campaign, finally "returns" to the capital city of Solstice (Nu isn't from there and the others all left as part of their backstories before the events of the game). Wartime security means it's difficult and tedious to get through customs and into the city. Serena tries casting sending to her old mentor at the Temple of Pelor...which is where she ran away from in the middle of the night roughly five months ago because she'd been forbidden from going to help the war effort. Her mentor is less than pleased to suddenly hear from her asking for a favor.
Serena: "How many times is he casting sending to give me this lecture?"
Ferrin: "I love this cleric chain casting a third level spell to lecture you."
Customs Lady: "What's that creature?"
Serena: "We found it in the swamp and our druid adopted it. It's mostly tame."
Customs Lady: "And the pink fella?" *pointing at Nu*
Ferrin: "We also found them in the swamp. They're mostly tame."
Waitress: "It's called a sandwich because apparently somebody got the idea from some lady in the desert who does magic."
Pin: "You really aren't going to trust me?"
Serena: "Have you met you?"
Pin: "Have you noticed you turned into your mother?"
Serena: "Have you noticed that I'm a priestess? I'm supposed to be responsible and shit!"
Xanlar: "The shit part is the most important!"
Serena: "Oh, so you've already met my instructors?"
Ferrin instructed Odette, his weasel familiar, to go "wait for Serena" with no further orders and is currently well out of telepathic contact range.
DM: "You come out of the building and see just Odette sitting there looking at you."
Serena: "Did they already leave without me?"
*Odette nods*
Serena: "Can you tell Ferrin that I can get us in?"
*Odette just blinks*
Nu sees Solstice royal guards for the first time...
Nu: "They have pretty capes."
Ferrin: "Please don't touch their capes."
Nu: "Aw."
Fifth to sixth level party with Kohein (elf rogue/arcane trickster), Ketthan (tabaxi monk), Perri (human warlock), True (changeling cleric that frequently uses the aliases of Verity [female half-elf] and Gospel Glosswood [old geezer elf man]), Priest Painter (elf necromancer), and Yuma (human hexblade/paladin). Party is accompanied by NPCs Lo (human monk), Vermina (human energetic nerd of yet undetermined class) and Tenoch (firbolg orphan boy working as out translator [region has a different "common" that we don't speak]. Setting is a massive underground realm something like a cross between "Journey to the Center of the Earth" and Arthur Conan Doyle's "Lost World" with a prehispanic Mesoamerican theme.
Perri: "Kohein's being that guy. 'I'm tired, does a 26 hit?'"
DM: "What would you think if I said it didn't?"
Kohein: "I would be very concerned."
Perri: "Can I push him off the wall into the fire?"
DM: "Shove attack, roll athletics. He got an 18."
*Perri rolls a crit for 24*
DM: "F--- that guy!"
DM: "F in chat as the guy dies."
Perri: "He stabbed my ankles, I have no remorse."
Painter: "Friendship is magic."
Kohein: "So is necromancy!"
DM: "And the fire over here is spreading even more, the camp is definitely burning."
Perri: "Oh, I forgot to do a concentration check for my bonfire when I took that damage last turn."
DM: "It doesn't really matter at this point."
Perri: "This is no longer my fire. It's our fire."
Realizing that we've wiped out all her minions and her fort is on fire, the BBEG's lieutenant we came after casts dimension door and flees, but Kohein is perched on top of the wall where he's been sniping with Little Sir (Perri's pseudodragon familiar) perched on his shoulder and giving the help action to gain advantage on his attacks.
Kohein: "She's still in longbow range!"
*Critical hit with sneak attack*
DM: "You did 34 damage with one arrow?"
A couple of friendly soldiers whom we saved in the battle wish to swear service to one of us...
Perri: "I point at Ketthan."
Ketthan: "Why me?"
Kohein: "Perri doesn't want minions?"
Perri: "Do you want Perri to have minions?"
DM: "Well, only half the camp is on fire..."
Perri: "I pick up the papers. Can I read them?"
DM: "Do you know elvish?"
Perri: "No. I hand them to Koko."
Kohein: "I read the papers."
Vermina gets kidnapped and we have to rescue her. She starts to fight back right as we spring.
Vermina: "I did it!"
Kohein: "Apparently she doesn't see the arrow sticking out of the guy's face."
Kohein: "I will totally read the dead chick's diary."
Kohein: "Well, their main base was under the mountain that is now a huge glowing green fuming butthole in the ground."
Another sneak attack crit from Kohein, now leveled up with even more dice.
DM: "Don't even bother rolling damage, just describe it."
*Rolls 55 damage*
DM: Holy crap! That's just wrong!"
Kohein: "I really don't think these guys know anything useful. They're just dumb goons."
Yuma: "I chop the guy's head off with my macahuitl."
Ketthan: "Hey, you didn't have to do that!"
Kohein: "Yeah, you could have given me a warning so I could've stepped back out of the splatter zone!"
Ketthan: "That's not what I meant!"
Another player had to save the rest of the party from a game of tug-of-war with smart, evil chickens. I'm completely certain that everyone would have died.
"Hero of the Heavens" (Title by Drummer)