Me (dm): ok you guys open the door and enter the room...

bard (dad): wait, you can’t tell us what to do! We will tell you what we are doing!

me: ok, what are you doing?

Bard: we enter the room

Just a smattering of quotes from my Level 3 Wood Elf Ranger (Hunter):

(After sneaking into a goblinoid mine and being subsequently detected) “What do you mean you goblin miners haven’t formed a union?! It’s the hottest thing since worker’s rights. What do you mean you don’t have worker’s rights?! Well, I’m a representative from the um... worker’s union union, and I’m here to form you guys a union!”    
 (Succeeded that persuasion check, thus followed a pretty derailing section where I create a corporate takeover from within the goblin mine... good times.)

Quote from EricHVela >>

"Wait. The Paladin who believes in the 'Sky Cow' doesn't believe in ghosts?!"

 Isnt from the Oxventurers Guild of the YouTube Channel Outside Xbox? Gotta love em, some great quotes.

Quote from Bender2120301 >>

Me (dm): ok you guys open the door and enter the room...

bard (dad): wait, you can’t tell us what to do! We will tell you what we are doing!

me: ok, what are you doing?

Bard: we enter the room

 Me: internal screaming and external laughing 

Quote from EricHVela >>

(from a stream) *after a (mostly Good - or just merely Good-intentioned) party managed to incorporate (under a level of duress) a no-name, meant-to-be-inconsequential NPC into their party*

Player 1: "So what's your name since we're going to be spending some time together? I'm sure it's a long and interesting name with lots of syllables."
DM: "..."
Player 3: "You look like a Christopher."
Player 2: "I'm thinking he's more of an Englebert."
Player 1: "Christopher Englebert?"
Player 5: "XVII."
Player 3: "Let me try to guess. Is your name Christopher Englebert, XVII?"
DM: "... That's uncanny, ser. That is, in fact, my name."
Player 3: "...and they said I can't do magic. Cold read, everyone."

 This is also from the Oxventurers Guild! So glad to find someone who also watches this

Quote from Tony1Adobe >>

Conquest Paladin: "I can get this guy to talk...Cleric, do you still have that flask of holy oil?"

Cleric: "Sure." (gives Conquest Paladin the oil)

Conquest Paladin: "Bard...can you play some music? Something jaunty, upbeat?"

Bard: "You betcha!" (starts playing their fiddle enthusiastically)

Conquest Paladin: (tapping foot, nodding his head to the beat) "Excellent. Give me a few minutes."

(the Conquest Paladin goes inside the shack to interrogate the prisoner, while the Bard continues to play festive music)

(after a few minutes, there comes the sounds of screams, begging for mercy...followed by the smell of burning)

(the Conquest Paladin walks out of the shack...which is now starting to catch fire...wiping his hands off with a rag)

Conquest Paladin: "Okay...I know where the bandit camp is now."

Conquest Paladin: (turns to Bard) "Thanks...I like listening to music while I work."

Cleric: "You know...I could have used "Zone of Truth" on him."

Conquest Paladin: (the shack now completely ablaze behind him) "That isn't how I do things."

*Stuck in The Middle intensifies*

(cleric standing over the warlock's gravestone)

"Not appreciating my puns was a grave mistake"

"I pickpocket the snake."

DM(me): ok, you've tracked down the sky pirates, they seem to be taking a break singing and drinking around a campfire, what do you do"

Amino(rogue): "i start singing piano man with them, once you joel together youre bonded for life"

we watch a lot of 99

All from the same session yesterday;

"I’m a unicorn with chain mail barding under a magic cloak, wings, and emanating a flowing river of starlight. Nothing I do is subtle."

"Well, then, emergency c-section with a dagger."

"Player: I’m going to open the bag and intimidate the [hour old] kitten.

DM: Well, that’s a 27 you just rolled, so, as that kitten opens its eyes to the world for the first time it’s immediately terrified into silence by you, and you feel the distinct draining sensation as a little bit of your soul dies. "

"CURSES!!! That's what we should have used.... CURSES!!!"

DM: "As you step out into the city square, you see a magnificent temple, full of priests and shimmering with gold and jewels..."

Our party's Murderhoboes: "G o l d you say?"

Need I say what happened next?

Update: In retaliation for massacring and looting the temple in broad daylight, the DM sicced the WHOLE CITY against us and we are currently being chased by 500 townsfolk down a sewer.

my pc:what did talk about earlier today about not doing

my pc´s child:wiping mind flayers from the planet with an army of drow 

my pc:and what did you do 

my pc´s child:wiped mind flayers from the planet with an army of drow 

my pc:wait what that´s not we talked about i said no shredding the weave into cheddar cheese 

me ooc: we should have never listened to her when she said she wanted her parents killed now their a queen

"You just pickpocketed a god."

T1 puts his hand on his sword. “Well, Big Moe is going to have to wait a long time for my head. In this Tavern, all damage is null and void. And yes, I broke free of Bael’s leash. I’m a free man now. Careful what you say, T2...many powerful beings beside myself reside here.”

T2 chuckled, "Woah, woah, woah. You think I came here unprepared? I've got a trail of baddies hiding outside- they've been telling me some pretty disparaging stuff about your armor...and your mother...and your mother's armor." 

Player1: "Alright, so after we find the guys resting place we'll head for the funeral."

Player2: "It's a death ceremony, not a funeral."

Player1: "Right, so when we get to the funeral..."

Player1: "If you attach buttered toast to the bottom of a cats paws butter side up and drop it, will it just spin in the air?"

Player2: "Well...I've got a cat."

Player3: "And I've got toast."

Did you add "*cocks shotgun* Moon's haunted"? Seems appropriate.

Quote from BunniRabbi >>

Did you add "*cocks shotgun* Moon's haunted"? Seems appropriate.

 I haven't changed my signature since I joined with this account.

I wasn't in this one, but I overheard "So how about a conga-line of hobbits, because we need to learn more about grenades, Heartsong."

Edit: Ok apparently it was "//...grenades' heart song." Because what I thought was a name (heart song) is apparently a mystical quality possessed by grenades...