I am Jhon the Tabaxi, and do a flip out of the car window before we crash, and then wonder, "how did a Tabaxi get to a time where there are cars?"

Your Jhon the Tabaxi, And your stuck In the future.  There are a load of FBI and MI6 agents surrounding you, and there about to tranquilise you, then do tests on you... you get the picture  

I wrap myself in yarn body armor. Then I start attacking them. Bullets bounce off.

 You are being attacked by Jhon the tabaxi in full armor. He’s immune to all damage. And he’s all out attacking you.

I distract him with a ball of yarn, grab out my laser pointer, and he switching to chasing the dot instead of attacking me. 

Your laser pointer just ran out of battery. 

I realise I'm related to Jhon the Tabaxi's arch enemy, the murdering cleric. I chop of Jhon the Tabaxi's head. This only distracts him so I can run away though, as he can Just tie it back on

Your Jhon the tabaxi, and your Tying your head back on when Your hit by a tank (vehicle) That someone through at you. You would be fine, smuggled up in your Yarn body armor, But the tank is also on fire, and your Body Armor is useless against fire  

Water puts out fire. Cats don't like water. The obvious conclusion? Cats are made of fire and therefore I'm immune to damage from the blaze!

You are now being chased by fire-cat Jhon the Tabaxi and your walking speed is slower. 

I tell fire-cat Jhon the Tabaxi that if he lets me live I will help Him kill the Murdering Cleric. He agrees

Your the Murdering Cleric, and Your under fire (Literally) from fire-cat Jhon the Tabaxi and his sidekick the Guy that fire-cat Jhon the Tabaxi Let live (His real name)

 Use divine intervention to summon a water god

You are the fire-cat jhon the tabaxi in a fight with guy that fire-cat jhon the tabaxi let live against a water god and the murdering cleric

fire-cat Jhon the Tabaxi Deactivates his flames and uses his yarn to not only be invincible, but also to tie up the water god.      The guy that fire-cat Jhon the Tabaxi let live gives fire-cat Jhon the Tabaxi his weapon.  There is no longer fire-cat Jhon the Tabaxi, there is only the fire-and-water-cat Jhon the Yarn Tabaxi With The guy that the fire-and-water-cat Jhon the Yarn Tabaxi  Let live's weapon    (I recommend you copy his new name, it will save typing it out each time)  

Your the murdering cleric, and the fire-and-water-cat Jhon the Yarn Tabaxi With The guy that the fire-and-water-cat Jhon the Yarn Tabaxi  Let live's weapon Just defeated your water god, and is now coming for you 

I give Jhon a ball of yarn, and tell him that I have a family I want to go back to.

you just stepped on a rake with a spike at the end of the handle, so the spike swings up and stabs your neck

Jhon knocks me out of the way

You are now being attacked by jhon the tabaxi and the 2 people he let live

I cast summon yarn

you teleported into a mountain

I am safe in a cave

jhon decides to make a sword with the yarn to stab you

The sword stabs my heart, but yarn is…  yarn so it doesn’t do anything.

A giant threw a tree at you like a javelin, it hits your head straight on.

I have the reality stone and turn the tree into bubbles 

you got snapped out of existence by thanos 

(Not on this topic, we really like John the tabaxai)

The avengers save me.

You are tied to a tree and a bomb that is 1 foot away from you will blow up in 30 seconds

I am a powerful mage and use the explosion to send Jhon and the cleric back in time

Your Jhon back in you normal time, and the murderous cleric is trying to kill you... 

I extend my yarn arm to wrap around his neck and choke him.

 You are a cleric being choked by Jhon the Tabaxi.

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I extend my yarn arm to wrap around his neck and choke him.

 You are a cleric being choked by Jhon the Tabaxi.

 my neck is to strong to be choked, so i just wait him out, and stab him

You are a bystander watching this happen, realizing you are next to be killed if Jhon wins

I kill myself before Jhon can, and enter the spirit realm, where I adopt a new name and identity.

You are Jhon and are desperate to find me in the spirit realm.