Luckily, my spacesuit was able to get a patented Fart removal systemtm     so I survive because we were able to get the patent before Clericipure. (Which keeps appearing in this thread for some reason)

You just paper cut yourself so bad, that it tore a hole through reality and you are teleported into the middle of a D&D battlefield, and are hit by a wizards fireball dealing   19  fire damage.

I don't notice

You are swimming when you are held by hold person. YOU ARE NOW DROWNING 

Oh no! I am a Druid so I use wild shape to turn into a GIANT SHARK and I eat the person who cast it on me.

you accidentally fell asleep for 100 years and now the kingdom has been taken over by an evil giant pig

(if you didn’t get that video game reference I feel sorry for you)

(I agree)

Easy. I wake up, grab a stick (or something), use my fantasy iPad to find out what mech-beast I have to dungeon-crawl my way through this time, and absorb their powers. Then I get lost in the woods (making sure to befriend 900 tree fey creatures along the way), find a sword which I immediately attune to, then fly over to the massive pig on a pair of metal roller coaster carts using my fantasy iPad and beat the hog up.

In your sleep, your mind has been taken over by a slimy fungus parasite that is now using you as its host. It's slowly draining your life essence away.

(Nice job summarizing breath of the wild)

I am a Druid of spores, so I think “cool an upgrade” now, Timothy the mushroom Druid (came up with that on the spot) teaches druids everywhere, the way of the shroom.

you just woke up to knocking on your door, and when you went to check, there was nobody there, so you go upstairs, and just after you enter your room, BAM! you are knocked unconscious.

after waking up in a strange dark room, you stand up and find that, there is a sleeping dragon there with you. so you begin tiptoeing across the room to the hallway leading out, when the dragons eyes snap open.

what do you do?

(Thank you)

It's like you're giving me the easy problems. I'm a bard, this'll be a piece of cake.

You've set fire to your hair.

I'm a bard and the new UA says a Nat 20 auto-successes so I've got, like, a 5% of instant success to convince the dragon to become my pet. 

I'm a bard. I intimidate the fire into extinguishment. 

You are one of the first colonists on Mars when the airdome springs a leak. 

 Being Agyroth, the red dragon, I sigh as my 27th wig burns, and I wonder “is it even worth it to have hair? Those two legs must hate it”

you accidentally glued your fingers together with sovreign glue, and you used the last of your universal solvent removing some that spilled on your sword.

I accept my fate and use mage hand instead.

You are in the Mars Colony airdome with your hair on fire using up the limited O2 supply. 

I take off my shirt and put it to my head. stop, drop, and roll, baby.

You poke a stick at a grizzly bear. It suddenly decides it wants to eat you.

I use my Decanter of Endless Water to fill my airdome with water, then pull a Cap of Water Breathing over my head once the fire on my head is out. Those magic items sure could've used a few more re-writes. Crisis averted.

You were on a murder-hoboing spree in a town, and one of the civilians you were Fireballing turned out to be a god in disguise.

I smile, wave, cast time stop from my spell scroll, use my tabaxi ability that allows me to double my speed, Dash twice as a rouge, cast haste, and VROOOM my way out of there.

you decided it was a good idea to eat a sock, and now you are choking, nobody with medical training is nearby, and you are 5.

also I made a new forum game, it’s called “tell me a tale,” in case any of you want to play, here is the link (Shameless self promotion)

https://www.dndbeyond.com/forums/off-topic/forum-games/150213-tell-me-a-tale

I may be 5, but I'm an Aarakocra so that's like 25 in human years. I use my well-earned wisdom to heimlich myself and re-cook the sock properly this time so that it's nice, tender, and melts in your beak. 

You are shamelessly self-promoting your new Forum Games thread when the Arbiter decides this needs serious consequences and sets a Tabaxi assassin after you. That assassin's name? You guessed it: Jhon II. 

I send an assassin after jhon II, and he sends an assassin after jhon III, and so forth until we have an all out war on our hands. (An obviously better situation that being hunted by an assassin)

years ago, you jumped down the stairs, and it was really fun. so over the years you had a habit of jumping down taller and taller staircases, until, finally you go to a dragons lair deep underground, and out of habit, you jump down the 100 foot stone staircase. until you realize that this is a little to high to make it, so you clip your foot on a stair, and begin tumbling down the stairs, the noise, of course, alerts the dragon to your presence, so it goes to the bottom of the stairs, sees you falling, and puts its head on the stairs and opens its mouth, and breathes fire on you before catching you, and eating you.

(Elaborate, I know)

Realizing my insanely stupid mistake, I cast Otiluke's Resilient Sphere. Once I am inside the dragon, I cast dimension door in order to exit the dragon. Then I RUN. 

You have robbed every person in a large town, and they are not happy. So you are currently being chased by all of them, and they want to see you hang. 

I cast plane shift and send myself to the beastlands, to hunt at my leisure. 

You are about to have your tongue pinned to a log, and then have your hands bound behind your back, as well as your feet, and then left to die.

(Also HOW DO YOU BEAT BREATH OF THE WILD??? I'VE TRIED TO GET INTO THE CASTLE LIKE, 7 TIMES AND I AM ALWAYS KILLED BY THAT ANNOYING FLYING GAURDIAN THING!!)

I quickly move my tounge out of the way, and use a lock pick I was hiding in my mouth to stab their hand, and while they are holding their hand in pain, I quickly tie them with their own rope, and then dash away.

you just woke up to knocking on your door, and when you go to check it, you see someone looking through the peephole on the other side, and before you know what is happening, the door is knocked over onto you, knocking you unconscious instantly.

When I wake up, I kick ass.

You are Sebastian, the little crab that serves as King Triton's advisor in the Little Mermaid. The Chef is chasing you through a kitchen and waving a comically large and equally deadly version of a butcher's cleaver, and has you cornered.

Dndlover_2:

Not remembering the movie and how that scene plays out, I use my pincers to pinch him where it really hurts and flee the scene as he doubles over in agony. 

You are a tortoise that's been picked up by an eagle. You're now hundreds of feet in the air and the eagle intends to drop you soon. (Bonus points if you know what book I'm stealing this from.)