Granted, but it's a bad cook, and everything is overdone. Except for the meat, which is underdone. 

I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. 

Granted. You fly with dragons in a world that is apart with reality. In other words, you have gone insane, and spend most of your time hallucinating in a padded cell.

I wish I was a Marid.

Granted, you are a Marid. Being the only one of your kind in the real world, you immediately draw the attention of the government who kidnaps you and throws you in Area 51 for the rest of your life . You try to plead your case, but you only speak aquan.

I wish that I only needed 4 hours of sleep a night to get the benefits of 8 hours of sleep.

Its called caffeine.

I wish for a copy of Pokemon white 2.

Granted, but an internal error makes unable to save.

I wish I could only work two days a week but still have the same pay... 

Wish granted! However, you must work now as the highest level worker at your job. You then find you can’t handle it very quickly.

I wish that 3rd party candidates in the US could win the race for president.

Granted, they absolutely can... theoretically.

Alternatively: Granted, the American Prohibition Party wins the presidency.  Alcohol is outlawed again, and as they really had no other agenda and didn't expect to win, chaos takes the wheel of government.

I wish I could break the law without consequence.

Granted, you can break all laws with no consequences. You suddenly find yourself breaking the laws of gravity. You are sucked into space and you die.

I wish I had the power to bring about lasting world peace, and the fortitude to do it.

You create world peace but aliens aren't from this world so they come and blow up the planet. also thanos snaps

I wish that I could command doggos

You wield a flute that allows you to command doggos, similiar to the pied piper. However, it's one of those shrill dog whistle tin flutes, and the doggos only suffer while you try to issue orders.

I wish I had a replicator machine like in Star Trek that would allow instant creation of any food.

Granted, but all the food tastes super gross.

I wish I could stop coughing.

Granted, you are now choking. 

I wish for *places pinky to side of mouth* one miiiiillion dollars. 

Granted, but because a ”miiiiillion” isn't a real measurement, you get nothing.

I wish for an entirely free (for me) limousine

A brand new limousine tank arrives at your home! Unfortunately you don't have the proper gun locks or paperwork making it legal. Your neighbors panic and report you and you go to jail and the tank is impounded and eventually seized by the local government to be welded solid and made into a history statue.

I wish I had teleportation powers!

Granted, but you don't know how to use them...

I wish I could sing much better

Granted, but you never specified how much.

I wish that people would be nicer when twisting wishes

Granted, we'll be nicer to people who we judge to deserve it. :)

I wish I had a million dollars.

Granted, you now have a million dollars in a safe you don't know the code to.

I wish for pizza

Granted, you have a delicious pizza.... a CYANIDE pizza! HA!

Poison NEVER gets old! :)

I wish I knew the combination to my safe.

Granted, you know the combination to your safe, but you just barely can't remember it, and its always on the tip of your tongue

I wish I could make any Magic: The Gathering card appear in my hand in mint condition whenever I want