You do, as a non-magical weasle in Neverwinter forest that never encounters any adventure and lives its days as a happy weasle.

I wish I didn't need to sleep and never gained weight ala Warforged style.

granted, you get found by the government and expirimented on

I wish to go to the forgotten realms as a humanoid

Granted. But you have commoner statistics. And what is that you see on over yonder hill? Methinks it's a tarrasque.

I wish my spellcaster characters could take triple the cantrips. 

You multiclass into 3 different casting classes. Triple cantrips? Yes. More efficient? Probably not.

I wish to be able to create better backstory.

You do! All it needed was more cow bell!

I wish for love.

A young white dragon loves you very much. She was extremely hungry.

I wish I could use prestidigitation in real life.

you learn ordinary sleight of hand skills

I wish I could recover one thing of my choice that was burned by nazis

Granted, but everyone else thinks you stole it from somewhere. 

I wish I had more willpower to not eat the potato salad I make for get-togethers before the get-together. 

You muster up the willpower, but now you dont feel like having any during the Get-together.

I wish for a bag of tricks.

The magic thought you said ticks so now you have a bag of angry bugs

I wish to go to my homebrew campaign world

You end up in the worst part of your homebrew world, where your bbeg lives

I wish my father would come back with the milk

He does. As well as well as the feral, destrictive, chaotic evil creature it came from and the 5 offspring the milk is for.

I wish, knowing this would effect me more than I'm willing to admit and the wish is not misunderstood in any way, whenever anyone says, thinks, or does anything hypocritical, the most frustrating, irritating, personally worst thing possible for them would happen immediately and expose them as hypocrites to everyone else.

only you are able to tell from the exposure because everyone is so oblivious

I wish for america to have free healthcare

You are transported into the future when the country has collapsed after capatilism has finally abandoned America's bloated corpse and it's now run by people from countries that care about people instead of money but everyone you ever knew is sadly long gone.

I wish D&D material didn't have to be so frustratingly specific (this is more relevant to homebrewing but does contribute to how published content is written) because you have to account for every single person out there who desperately tries to break the game with an OP character at every  opportunity since they can't function unless they have the spotlight and are demonstrably better than everyone else. (Seriously, the only reason they want other people to play is to have people to be better than.)

Dnd’s freedom is largely removed. It becomes a boring game, because you made the rules stricter in a game that shouldn’t have stricter rules.

I wish more dms knew how to handle op characters in a way that lets everyone at the table, including the op character and dm, have fun.

The dm stops trying to kill the players, and instead hopes that they succeed to make their story complete. Then the game becomes so easy for the players that they start to quit out of boredom. (Don’t make DnD too  easy, but don’t try to kill your players)

I wish I didn’t get destroyed by the sun every time I go outside

The sun never rises again. The Chinese made a movie about your wish coming true in 2019 called "Last Sunrise."

I wish I could just bluntly tell the rules lawyer in one of my groups to shut the hell up because the DM's running the game and not him. If he wants to tell all of us how to play then he can go off and DM his own game with himself. 

Granted. You tell the rules lawyer to shut up. This then allows him to cite little-known statutes and precedents about how being told to shut up outside of the game actually allows him to use a class feature that was explained in detail in the fine print of a long-forgotten sourcebook that, due to a typo on page 38, is still valid for 5E.

I wish you made a wish

My apologies. Granted! But the formatting...

I wish I could memorize my devilled eggs recipe.