I like, whenever you can't think of something "witty" you just say something like, "Hey stupid face, your face is stupid, and you are not physically attractive!"
Playing through a Campaign our Bard used Dissonant Whispers on a Dragon that was swooping towards us. Her words: "Your mother is very disappointed in you."
Her words cut the Dragon right to it's core and it ran away crying, ending the combat.
I swear, if you were any worse at this, you'd be doing our job for us!
Are you half Drow? was your mother a spider or is your ass naturally that huge!
That's a mighty large weapon, I'm impressed compensating for something are we?
I would call your mother a cave troll but I wouldn't want to insult the cave trolls
Hey if these guys were lumberjacks the only thing save in the forest would be the trees
Seriously man Why don't you just give me your weapon so I can hit myself with it, because that'd be more effective
when fighting Mages : Very impressive, I think I'll hire you out for children's parties, I'll call you Beeppo The useless mage who can't hit a dragon if it sat on him
I swear, if you were any worse at this, you'd be doing our job for us!
Are you half Drow? was your mother a spider or is your ass naturally that huge!
That's a mighty large weapon, I'm impressed compensating for something are we?
I would call your mother a cave troll but I wouldn't want to insult the cave trolls
Hey if these guys were lumberjacks the only thing save in the forest would be the trees
Seriously man Why don't you just give me your weapon so I can hit myself with it, because that'd be more effective
when fighting Mages : Very impressive, I think I'll hire you out for children's parties, I'll call you Beeppo The useless mage who can't hit a dragon if it sat on him
That's vicious.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
"Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both" -- allegedly Benjamin Franklin
For those that are insult challenged there is a very handy fantasy insult generator you can get as a phone app. It has had some hilarious words/phrases to use in it.
Current favorite is using jackanape in my phrases. Makes me think of treasure planet.
"Where words fail, swords prevail. Where blood is spilled, my cup is filled" -Cartaphilus
"I have found the answer to the meaning of life. You ask me what the answer is? You already know what the answer to life is. You fear it more than the strike of a viper, the ravages of disease, the ire of a lover. The answer is always death. But death is a gentle mistress with a sweet embrace, and you owe her a debt of restitution. Life is not a gift, it is a loan."
When we were fighting hill giants, I used "You suck!". The hill giant was suddenly struck by the realization that he did, in fact, suck, and dropped dead. My warlock wasn't super creative with insults, but I imagine in the middle of a fight, he wouldn't be. Pact of the Tome, before you ask how he knew Vicious Mockery.
that's about right to be honest, just enough pompous.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
"Where words fail, swords prevail. Where blood is spilled, my cup is filled" -Cartaphilus
"I have found the answer to the meaning of life. You ask me what the answer is? You already know what the answer to life is. You fear it more than the strike of a viper, the ravages of disease, the ire of a lover. The answer is always death. But death is a gentle mistress with a sweet embrace, and you owe her a debt of restitution. Life is not a gift, it is a loan."
I have this Bard I've been working with, who is actually a best-selling author and playwright ( "Twelve Angry Clerics", "Beauty & the Tiefling", "A Few Good Fighters", "50 Shades of Dirt"...that sort of thing). He suffers from writers block, and is adventuring because he needs fresh ideas due to not writing anything for two years.
Vicious Mockery sort of lets him say things a frustrated writer might say.
"Ooh...wait! I just got hit with a bolt of inspiration! You...well, you got hit with a bolt of lightning. Sorry about that. Truly."
"I'll be sure to credit you in the acknowledgements! I couldn't think of an ass-kicking this bad without your help!"
"Every good character has one fatal flaw. Guess how many you have."
"Quick! What's a synonym for grotesque? Surely you've heard a few thrown your way!"
"Spoiler Alert: You're Dead."
"I've had publishers more threatening for you."
"If I die, my fanbase will have your bits on a biscuit tray!"
"Even my book has more spine than you."
"And so your story ends...the only good part was that it was short."
"Someone once said the pen is mightier than the blade...I'd think so, too, seeing how badly you wave that sword around."
"The greatest heroes are immortalized in song and story...no one will remember you."
The bard I've been thinking up lately is a 9-year-old girl, who's a cheerleader, so all her vicious mockery would be things a little girl would say when she's mad, like "Y-y-you're mean!" and it would hurt so much because it's coming from an adorable girl.
Imagine two bards just roasting the shit out of each other outside the inn, with a huge crowd gathered (even the guards watching), casting Vicious Mockery on each other repeatedly until enough psychic damage makes one of them snap/pass out.
^That's actually hilarious, a friend and I once did this since we were both bards in a bar at the time. His last insult towards me was, "Your d*** is a tic-tac!". Without missing a beat I responded with, "Maybe that's why your mom's breath was so fresh!" They crit failed on the save and I rolled a 4 on damage. They passed out >:)
I haven't been playing a bard for very long but I have some.
It's honestly kinda pathetic when I think about it. (Gestures towards their giant wooden idol statue.) You literally had to make a friend.
Now now we all make mistakes. I'm sure your parents should've known better than to have you. Just like I should have known better than to damage your lovely statue.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
To post a comment, please login or register a new account.
I like, whenever you can't think of something "witty" you just say something like, "Hey stupid face, your face is stupid, and you are not physically attractive!"
Playing through a Campaign our Bard used Dissonant Whispers on a Dragon that was swooping towards us. Her words: "Your mother is very disappointed in you."
Her words cut the Dragon right to it's core and it ran away crying, ending the combat.
I swear, if you were any worse at this, you'd be doing our job for us!
Are you half Drow? was your mother a spider or is your ass naturally that huge!
That's a mighty large weapon, I'm impressed compensating for something are we?
I would call your mother a cave troll but I wouldn't want to insult the cave trolls
Hey if these guys were lumberjacks the only thing save in the forest would be the trees
Seriously man Why don't you just give me your weapon so I can hit myself with it, because that'd be more effective
when fighting Mages : Very impressive, I think I'll hire you out for children's parties, I'll call you Beeppo The useless mage who can't hit a dragon if it sat on him
I used Vicious Mockery on a Orc who was high and said "YOUR KUSH ISN'T DANK ENOUGH YOU GREEN SKINNED BASTARD"
"Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both" -- allegedly Benjamin Franklin
Tooltips (Help/aid)
Honestly I love This cantrip I took Bard magic initiate just to get my hands on it.
For those that are insult challenged there is a very handy fantasy insult generator you can get as a phone app. It has had some hilarious words/phrases to use in it.
Current favorite is using jackanape in my phrases. Makes me think of treasure planet.
"Where words fail, swords prevail. Where blood is spilled, my cup is filled" -Cartaphilus
"I have found the answer to the meaning of life. You ask me what the answer is? You already know what the answer to life is. You fear it more than the strike of a viper, the ravages of disease, the ire of a lover. The answer is always death. But death is a gentle mistress with a sweet embrace, and you owe her a debt of restitution. Life is not a gift, it is a loan."
I pull out my lute and strum a few bars of Weird Al Yankovic's "You're Pitiful"
My favorite part is "You're suffering from delusions of adequacy."
(I play music clips on my iPhone for all of my Bard spells.)
Personally, I like using this handy-dandy graphic at the table
When we were fighting hill giants, I used "You suck!". The hill giant was suddenly struck by the realization that he did, in fact, suck, and dropped dead. My warlock wasn't super creative with insults, but I imagine in the middle of a fight, he wouldn't be. Pact of the Tome, before you ask how he knew Vicious Mockery.
"You've obviously rolled a low intelligence score.."
"With so many mins, I'm bemused to what you've maxed.."
"It's no fun when my partner is dead on their feet."
"Is this still part of the tutorial?"
"Your shadow is more fearsome than its caster.."
"If your desire is to win, you must first have tools in which you can."
"You can't bring your A game, with the B team.."
"The jokes on you because it is you."
"The longer you last, the longer you embarrass yourself"
"You don't compare where you don't compete."
Fergus Half-Axe (Halfling) - "I'll kick 'yer ass and still be home in time for second breakfast...!"
Lyria Adagio (Dwarf) - She peers up at a particularly large enemy and says, "My, my...who piled all this shit this high?"
Dorian Abaresque (Human) - "I don't fault you for your stupidity for the same reason I don't blame statues for having better composure than me."
-or-
Dorian Abaresque - "Dear god...it hurts to look at you! A beating would actually do you some good!"
I read those in the voice of one Lord Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III of Whitestone (Percy from Critical Role).
We do bones, motherf***ker!
that's about right to be honest, just enough pompous.
"Where words fail, swords prevail. Where blood is spilled, my cup is filled" -Cartaphilus
"I have found the answer to the meaning of life. You ask me what the answer is? You already know what the answer to life is. You fear it more than the strike of a viper, the ravages of disease, the ire of a lover. The answer is always death. But death is a gentle mistress with a sweet embrace, and you owe her a debt of restitution. Life is not a gift, it is a loan."
I have this Bard I've been working with, who is actually a best-selling author and playwright ( "Twelve Angry Clerics", "Beauty & the Tiefling", "A Few Good Fighters", "50 Shades of Dirt"...that sort of thing). He suffers from writers block, and is adventuring because he needs fresh ideas due to not writing anything for two years.
Vicious Mockery sort of lets him say things a frustrated writer might say.
"Ooh...wait! I just got hit with a bolt of inspiration! You...well, you got hit with a bolt of lightning. Sorry about that. Truly."
"I'll be sure to credit you in the acknowledgements! I couldn't think of an ass-kicking this bad without your help!"
"Every good character has one fatal flaw. Guess how many you have."
"Quick! What's a synonym for grotesque? Surely you've heard a few thrown your way!"
"Spoiler Alert: You're Dead."
"I've had publishers more threatening for you."
"If I die, my fanbase will have your bits on a biscuit tray!"
"Even my book has more spine than you."
"And so your story ends...the only good part was that it was short."
"Someone once said the pen is mightier than the blade...I'd think so, too, seeing how badly you wave that sword around."
"The greatest heroes are immortalized in song and story...no one will remember you."
Once in SKT i told a remorhaz that its mother was utterly disappointed in its life choices.
Grianne Wildpaw: Wood Elf Druid level 12 (8W-4L)- - Coliseum of Conquest: Master of Faerie Fire. Just don't ask her to spell it.
Grianne Wildpaw: Wood Elf Druid level 6 (2W-1L)- - Coliseum Reborn : Master of a Myriad of forms.
Runt, the Stormchosen: Half-Orc barbarian level 5 -- The Guild
Tomoe Gozen: Human Fighter Samurai level 5 -- Cronero (Solo Campaign)
The bard I've been thinking up lately is a 9-year-old girl, who's a cheerleader, so all her vicious mockery would be things a little girl would say when she's mad, like "Y-y-you're mean!" and it would hurt so much because it's coming from an adorable girl.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. -from Monty Python
F*** you (two-syllable person), you can suck my d***, you can not hurt me cuz you're a little p**** -Remake of the Thundersong from Ted
U.G.L.Y, You ain't got no alibi, You ugly, eh eh, you ugly. -Another song
You don't wanna be alive, you don't wanna be alive. You just wanna die today, you just wanna die. -Another pop song
Imagine two bards just roasting the shit out of each other outside the inn, with a huge crowd gathered (even the guards watching), casting Vicious Mockery on each other repeatedly until enough psychic damage makes one of them snap/pass out.
^That's actually hilarious, a friend and I once did this since we were both bards in a bar at the time. His last insult towards me was, "Your d*** is a tic-tac!". Without missing a beat I responded with, "Maybe that's why your mom's breath was so fresh!" They crit failed on the save and I rolled a 4 on damage. They passed out >:)
I haven't been playing a bard for very long but I have some.
It's honestly kinda pathetic when I think about it. (Gestures towards their giant wooden idol statue.) You literally had to make a friend.
Now now we all make mistakes. I'm sure your parents should've known better than to have you. Just like I should have known better than to damage your lovely statue.