The Absolutely Anything Thread

Bahamut and his disco party joins the battle. They distract you with cringe disco moves, you take cringe damage while I try to find Tiamat's conga line.

Unfortunately, I am too accepting to take any cringe damage.

I become a discord moderator and mute jwcvii causing him to no longer be able to fight against my all powerful will. And I eat potatos.

I unmute my lord

Quote from Djrowee >>

I become a discord moderator and mute jwcvii causing him to no longer be able to fight against my all powerful will. And I eat potatos.

 Being a discord moderator has it's terrible price. You lose concentration on muting me because you get distracted by a baby cat.

Quote from zombieKiller7777 >>

I unmute my lord

 I thank zombie for the unmuting, I grant them unlimited power and potatoes.

You fool! As a person I dislike cats as I continue the ritual to ban you from the chat.

Quote from Djrowee >>

You fool! As a person I dislike cats as I continue the ritual to ban you from the chat.

 Being a discord mod makes you immediately like baby cats. You also gain a transformation into the average discord mod. Told you there is a price.

Quote from legolasgreenleaf333 >>

Quote from PugofUtterDestruction >>

Quote from PugofUtterDestruction >>

Quote from Dragonslayer9 >>

Quote from PugofUtterDestruction >>

Quote from Dragonslayer9 >>

I summon 53 anthropomorphic solid-gold bagels to dance with the toasters. They are under the same spell and protection as the toasters.

I summon a printer to print more bagels, except that they're made of bagel, not gold, and are not under the spell of protection, and a random effect occurs when they break or are eaten.

 I break them, and then create a bar of gold made entirely out of bagel using them.

You broke 109 bagels and will now suffer the consequences. Also, the printer's still functional and printing more. The newly printed bagels are going to join Tiamat's Conga Line (1 is printed every few seconds, so you'll be updating that list a lot now, legolasgreenleaf333).

To sum it up, 

Two unicorns, two badgers, two turtles, two sharks, a gray ooze, a parrot, two goblins, a troll, four pixies, three faeries, a sprite, an imp, two zombies, a mimic, a demon, two pugs, three bulettes, a shambling mound, two basilisks, two animated armors, a copper coin, handful of caltrops, torch, empty bucket, deck of many things, war pick, bottle of beer, cooking pot, bone medallion, bronze key, 10 ft. of rope, half a cheese wheel, a fancy hat, two clay pipes, a rusty heirloom rapier, two fur hats, 50 ft. of rope, antitoxin, an apple, a small silver mirror, a 100 gp gem, a silver coin, scissors, an iron belt buckle, a heavy oaken wood sign, an abacus, an old spy glass, a goblin hand, a pair of old socks, a black hood, a fishing hook, a shovel, a rubbery sphere, a dull animal tooth, and the following magic items issue forth from the one hundred and nine bagels you destroyed.

(italicized stuff is stuff you only know through magical means that isn't apparent normally. Bolded italic stuff is only known through trial and error, or metagame warnings.)

Coin of Maybe - If caught with the heads facing up, the holder gets +1 to strength while holding it. Will not work again for 24 hours after letting go. If the coin comes into contact with saliva, the salivator goes limp and cannot move until the saliva is cleaned off.

Transfusion Bottle - A clear glass bottle with a cork. Seems very strong. Does 1d4 bludgeoning damage. On a hit, the target instantly consumes whatever was in the bottle and has the effects of it. Includes alcohol, poison, potions, etc. On a 1, it breaks.

Cloak of the High Ground (Not sure why this is italicized. Only the last sentence should be.) - A simple, hooded robe. Gives advantage on attacks made from above the target and a tendency to speak in absolutes.

2 The Cloak of Levi- Floatinesses (Wow, we're just getting all the cloaks today, aren't we? And weird italicization... Only the last two sentences should be italicized.)- A red cloak with a large popped collar. It can cast levitation on you once per day, if you ask nicely. Please must be used, as well as beating a DC 15 persuasion check. Will wipe away any tears.

Roll of Parchment - A tightly rolled scroll of parchment sealed with wax. There is an insignia on the front. It appears to be some kind of bird. If the scroll is opened, the scroll unrolled, and an attempt is made to read it, the reader must make a DC 20 intelligence saving throw. On a success, the scroll reseals itself. On a failure, the reader is compelled to read the scroll, and will resist any action taken to prevent this. Reading the scroll takes a few minutes. The reader cannot understand a single word of the fowl tongue, except one: chicken. Once finished reading, the reader takes 1 piercing damage and signs their name at the bottom of the scroll in their own blood. The scroll then vanishes in a puff of flame. To everyone else, nothing further happens. To the reader, a chicken appears and sits on their head. It resists all attempts to move it, and is unaffected by all material objects except chicken feathers. While the chicken is on someone’s head, they may reroll any 1 they roll (first is automatic). It will leave if offered a chicken feather, if anyone casts remove curse on them, or if they roll a 20.

The Watcher’s Eye - A glass eye with a counterpart mirror. When the inscription is read, what the eye sees is shown in the mirror. Roll a d20 on use. The eye is asleep on a roll of 15 or less.

2 Longswords of Trying is What Counts - +0 longsword. When it hits something, it just passes through them, doing psychic damage.

Brawler’s Shield - Beautiful ornate shield painted purple. If the holder is melee attacked and the attacker misses, the shield jumps off the arm of the wielder and grabs the attacker, restraining them. Each turn, the shield and the restrained have a strength contest. (Shield has +0 strength)

2 Devil’s Dice - Inscription: Roll and run. Summons 1d6 imps when rolled. Consumes dice.

Star Shield - A circular shield with a star on it. Can be thrown (20/60), using strength as your ability modifier. Roll a d20. On a 10 or higher, it bounces back to your hand. Does 1d6 bludgeoning damage.

2 Returning Hand Axes - This magical weapon has an enchantment to ensure you never lose it. When thrown, the user gets pulled after it until it lands.

Thorik’s Thumb - A well-preserved dwarf thumb on a gold chain. Wearer is immune to alcohol. If both thumbs are worn, the wearer is immune to poison.

2 Tank Tops - A shirt without sleeves, who made this? Grants +2 to AC, can be worn under armor.

Lucky Penny - A simple copper piece. Anyone who holds this makes their alignment good. Anyone who had the penny but no longer does tells everyone they have an evil alignment and a PhD in horribleness, but any evil act is done with reluctance. They are still good at heart.

2 Amber-Encased Spider Amulets - Some poor spider got trapped in amber and made into a necklace. Poor guy. Staring at this amulet for too long turns it into a goblin. 50% chance the goblin will become your loyal servant.

Bracelet of DOOM! - A bracelet that seems to shrink as it nears someone’s arm, but is still wearable. Once worn, the wearer feels vaguely uneasy, but otherwise suffers no ill effects. Cannot be removed by any means.

2 Double Edged Swords - Longsword with dark, smoking runes in the handle. Before you strike with this sword, you may choose to make a leeching strike. You declare a number up to 20, then immediately take that much damage. If your strike hits, it deals the amount of damage done to yourself on top of the damage by the sword. This ability can only be used once per day.

Toy Dinosaur - A painted wooden toy of a giant reptile. The dinosaur talks to you in your dreams and tells you to betray your friends suddenly. After all, it is inevitable. If the user does anything to betray their friends, they get hit with a spike through the chest for 2d6 piercing damage.

The Ring of Fate - A golden ring set with an emerald. The wearer’s feet grow to abnormal size, destroying any footwear currently worn. This increases their speed by 5 ft. Sorry, guess I mispronounced the name…

Perfectly Ordinary Rock - It’s a perfectly ordinary rock, what am I supposed to tell you? When thrown, creates a zone of magical darkness in a 15 foot radius sphere for 10 minutes. When balanced on one’s head, grants protection from evil as long as it remains balanced.

An eraser that erases wounds (1d8). Three charges. Roll 1d20 on use. First charge, disappears on a 1. 2nd charge, 10 or less. 3rd charge, anything (nat 20 = back to full charges)

Wand of the Wild - A wand with infinite uses. When used, roll on the wild magic table.

Rubber Duck - A duck made of a rubbery substance. Gives advantage on dex.terity seves. Helps them duck faster.

Wand of Freezing - A hollow metal tube with strange markings, inscribed “With my freeze ray, I will stop the world!”. Must be heated in order to function. Stops time for everyone but the holder, giving them 1d4 rounds to act freely. Destroyed after 2 uses. Enemies get to make a DC 15 dex. check. On A success, the time is halved for them.

Horn of the Sea - A beautiful instrument made from a buffalo horn. Calls a single seagull every time it is used. If a DC 13 persuasion check is passed, the seagull dive-bombs anyone trying to harm the user. If there are none, it chooses someone at random. If nobody is around, it crashes into the ground and dies. It deals 1d4 bludgeoning damage. On a natural 20, 5 seagulls will appear and pester enemies until the seagulls or enemies are dead. Seagulls die if hit with anything.

Clue by 4 - A board that does 1d4 bludgeoning damage. When you hit someone with the board, you gain knowledge relevant to your current situation.

Boots of Punting - A pair of leather boots with reinforced, pointed toes. Wearer has an irresistible urge to punt anything in the size category tiny or smaller. The wearer can make a punting attack (uses strength, +2 to hit) for 1d6 piercing and 1d6 bludgeoning damage. Tiny characters are sent 10 ft. away from the wearer on hit.

Skull Necklace - A necklace made of some animal’s skull. While worn, a living being becomes undead, and an undead becomes living. Undead are evil and are not fully under the player’s control. They also don’t like having people try to put necklaces on them.

The Disco Phial - A phial that, when opened, lets loose music that causes anyone within earshot to start dancing. Any creature dancing has the effect of difficult terrain, as well as disadvantage on acrobatics, intimidation, and persuasion checks.

Kazoo of Intimidation - When played, gives +2 intimidation.

 I have to add that to the conga line?! *starts banging head on table*

 This is a small portion of Tiamat's conga line. I use this sheet power to banish those who attempt to end I, the potassium god.

WILL. SAVE.

57

Uh idk how to roll dice on the app

53 

MUST. SAVE.

NEVERMIND!

So…this is alive.

I steal Djrowee's wall powers, and turn Baal into a wall.

Quote from Nothic2SeeHere2 >>

So…this is alive.

 Yep, didn't think it would work when I tried to revive it.

Using the power of a discord moderator I reverse this attack onto jwcvii

Quote from Djrowee >>

Using the power of a discord moderator I reverse this attack onto jwcvii

 You realize this isn't discord, and get teleported back to the Discord plane (sub layer in Avernus) with all of the other demons known as moderators. I un-wall with the help of my minions, zombie and vecna.

What happened?

Quote from jwcvii010 >>

I steal Djrowee's wall powers, and turn Baal into a wall.

 Ahem...

Immunities (Ex): Elder evils have immunity to polymorphing, petrification, and any other spell or ability that alters their form. They are not subject to energy drain, ability drain, ability damage, or death from massive damage. They are immune to mind-affecting spells and abilities. Most elder evils have immunity to a specific energy type, depending on their nature.

Elder Evils, by Robert J. Schwalb, page 6