i think its on the last page, but im writing a song and need critique on the lyrics
Ooh, that’s awesome!
There’s ice in my veins
And lead in my heart
I’m the willing sacrifice to
Your ichor counterpart
A bad idea, I know
But, dearest, don’t you see?
I just want to keep you
Close to me
Flower blossoms
Golden eyes
Rainbow goddess
Pretty lies
You know that I’m broken
I know you are, too
But you’ve got a sort of gravity
Leading me to you
Song lyrics, flirting jokes
I’ll tell you my secrets,
Just try not to choke
Wishing you could just break free
But, carissima, you’re stuck with me
Broken girl and false boy
Playing with fire
Don’t let me destroy
You
Tell me to be careful
But, dearest, don’t you see?
Just a friendly competition
Between you and between me
Flower blossoms
Golden eyes
Rainbow goddess
Pretty lies
You open my wrists,
And black smoke billows out
Look close and see
I’m all smoke and mirrors
Can you find me?
When we’ve lost it all
And I’m just the devil
Right before the fall
Mixed signals,
Fractured brain
A turntable of personalities
Why must you cause so much pain?
Yet no one said the fae were kind
You tell me to let go
But dearest don’t you see?
I’m a machine of merely smoke and bones
Who just cannot leave you be
Flower blossoms
Golden eyes
Rainbow goddess
Did you lie?
reposting for convenience. Songs aren’t my specialty but I can certainly try! Is there any specific part you’re unhappy with?
I don’t know, I just want feedback but everyone *excluding monks* just tells me its amazing or great or whatever and doesn’t provide any actual feedback
Hey y’all, you can call me Sel, pronouns they/he. Some things about me, I like reading, writing, dnd, theater, art. I have an art doc and my yt channel linked below. Pms are always open if you need to talk. Love y’all <3
Someone was talking about threads earlier... i could do with some dystopian/facility/biotech stuff
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
I'm Fry, a doodler, writer, aspiring singer/songwriter, and sort-of youtuber (check me out!) goofin' around on the interwebs Soli Deo Gloria(Sed servus eius crustulum vult) I'm a disabled, neurodivergent, dumpster fire, and somewhat of a clown, but I do my best :3 Crafter of Constellations, vocaloid enjoyer, waluigi’s #1 fan, space alien, undead cutie pie, danganer of ronpas, and certified silly goose Internet big sib to aspeninthetrees, TheGatoLover, (and hopefully more)
i think its on the last page, but im writing a song and need critique on the lyrics
Ooh, that’s awesome!
There’s ice in my veins
And lead in my heart
I’m the willing sacrifice to
Your ichor counterpart
A bad idea, I know
But, dearest, don’t you see?
I just want to keep you
Close to me
Flower blossoms
Golden eyes
Rainbow goddess
Pretty lies
You know that I’m broken
I know you are, too
But you’ve got a sort of gravity
Leading me to you
Song lyrics, flirting jokes
I’ll tell you my secrets,
Just try not to choke
Wishing you could just break free
But, carissima, you’re stuck with me
Broken girl and false boy
Playing with fire
Don’t let me destroy
You
Tell me to be careful
But, dearest, don’t you see?
Just a friendly competition
Between you and between me
Flower blossoms
Golden eyes
Rainbow goddess
Pretty lies
You open my wrists,
And black smoke billows out
Look close and see
I’m all smoke and mirrors
Can you find me?
When we’ve lost it all
And I’m just the devil
Right before the fall
Mixed signals,
Fractured brain
A turntable of personalities
Why must you cause so much pain?
Yet no one said the fae were kind
You tell me to let go
But dearest don’t you see?
I’m a machine of merely smoke and bones
Who just cannot leave you be
Flower blossoms
Golden eyes
Rainbow goddess
Did you lie?
reposting for convenience. Songs aren’t my specialty but I can certainly try! Is there any specific part you’re unhappy with?
I don’t know, I just want feedback but everyone *excluding monks* just tells me its amazing or great or whatever and doesn’t provide any actual feedback
Alright!
the first thing I see that I noticed is the,
‘You know that I’m broken
I know you are, too
But you’ve got a sort of gravity
Leading me to you’
just seems a bit off, I think it’s because of the length of the lines, with the first and third line, the first being 6 syllables and the third being 9 i think.
again, sorry if this is unhelpful, I basically exclusively write prose and not poetry or song.
i think its on the last page, but im writing a song and need critique on the lyrics
Ooh, that’s awesome!
There’s ice in my veins
And lead in my heart
I’m the willing sacrifice to
Your ichor counterpart
A bad idea, I know
But, dearest, don’t you see?
I just want to keep you
Close to me
Flower blossoms
Golden eyes
Rainbow goddess
Pretty lies
You know that I’m broken
I know you are, too
But you’ve got a sort of gravity
Leading me to you
Song lyrics, flirting jokes
I’ll tell you my secrets,
Just try not to choke
Wishing you could just break free
But, carissima, you’re stuck with me
Broken girl and false boy
Playing with fire
Don’t let me destroy
You
Tell me to be careful
But, dearest, don’t you see?
Just a friendly competition
Between you and between me
Flower blossoms
Golden eyes
Rainbow goddess
Pretty lies
You open my wrists,
And black smoke billows out
Look close and see
I’m all smoke and mirrors
Can you find me?
When we’ve lost it all
And I’m just the devil
Right before the fall
Mixed signals,
Fractured brain
A turntable of personalities
Why must you cause so much pain?
Yet no one said the fae were kind
You tell me to let go
But dearest don’t you see?
I’m a machine of merely smoke and bones
Who just cannot leave you be
Flower blossoms
Golden eyes
Rainbow goddess
Did you lie?
reposting for convenience. Songs aren’t my specialty but I can certainly try! Is there any specific part you’re unhappy with?
I don’t know, I just want feedback but everyone *excluding monks* just tells me its amazing or great or whatever and doesn’t provide any actual feedback
Alright!
the first thing I see that I noticed is the,
‘You know that I’m broken
I know you are, too
But you’ve got a sort of gravity
Leading me to you’
just seems a bit off, I think it’s because of the length of the lines, with the first and third line, the first being 6 syllables and the third being 9 i think.
again, sorry if this is unhelpful, I basically exclusively write prose and not poetry or song.
Nah you’re fine i just want any and all feedback and i’ll figure out what to use later <3
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Hey y’all, you can call me Sel, pronouns they/he. Some things about me, I like reading, writing, dnd, theater, art. I have an art doc and my yt channel linked below. Pms are always open if you need to talk. Love y’all <3
My name’s Gradius, this is my second account :P I love Hollow Knight and I have been on ddb for a while. Come rp with me anytime! It is my purpose. My title that was given to me by Drummer is…SPIRIT OF THE WEST, GUARDIAN OF THE HOLLOWS.
No cost too great. No mind to think. No will to break. No voice to cry suffering. Born of God and Void.
Someone was talking about threads earlier... i could do with some dystopian/facility/biotech stuff
like, i've been playing nine sols and those would be the perfect vibes for a thread. If anyone else agrees....
thread
/
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
I'm Fry, a doodler, writer, aspiring singer/songwriter, and sort-of youtuber (check me out!) goofin' around on the interwebs Soli Deo Gloria(Sed servus eius crustulum vult) I'm a disabled, neurodivergent, dumpster fire, and somewhat of a clown, but I do my best :3 Crafter of Constellations, vocaloid enjoyer, waluigi’s #1 fan, space alien, undead cutie pie, danganer of ronpas, and certified silly goose Internet big sib to aspeninthetrees, TheGatoLover, (and hopefully more)
Someone was talking about threads earlier... i could do with some dystopian/facility/biotech stuff
like, i've been playing nine sols and those would be the perfect vibes for a thread. If anyone else agrees....
thread
/
Yeah that would be cool!
It's funny when you know the vibe but not the premise. Like, nine sols's breathtaking combination of Chinese symbolism, fantastical settings, sci-fi atmosphere, and gritty bio-stuff is something special, and I don't know what I could to to capture that and make it playable and enjoyable.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
I'm Fry, a doodler, writer, aspiring singer/songwriter, and sort-of youtuber (check me out!) goofin' around on the interwebs Soli Deo Gloria(Sed servus eius crustulum vult) I'm a disabled, neurodivergent, dumpster fire, and somewhat of a clown, but I do my best :3 Crafter of Constellations, vocaloid enjoyer, waluigi’s #1 fan, space alien, undead cutie pie, danganer of ronpas, and certified silly goose Internet big sib to aspeninthetrees, TheGatoLover, (and hopefully more)
Someone was talking about threads earlier... i could do with some dystopian/facility/biotech stuff
like, i've been playing nine sols and those would be the perfect vibes for a thread. If anyone else agrees....
thread
/
Yeah that would be cool!
It's funny when you know the vibe but not the premise. Like, nine sols's breathtaking combination of Chinese symbolism, fantastical settings, sci-fi atmosphere, and gritty bio-stuff is something special, and I don't know what I could to to capture that and make it playable and enjoyable.
Idk. I just like the idea of a dystopian tavern. It’s mostly fantasy and sci fi these days. A mystery tavern would be cool, but Dinao tried one today and it was a total wreck. Mostly had to do with the war between dogs and cats >:).
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Your local friendly stupid doop!
Professional idiot! Trans! Pansexual pancake! I am a minor so you will do none of that (GP) with me! I use He/They pronouns :3
Someone was talking about threads earlier... i could do with some dystopian/facility/biotech stuff
like, i've been playing nine sols and those would be the perfect vibes for a thread. If anyone else agrees....
thread
/
Yeah that would be cool!
It's funny when you know the vibe but not the premise. Like, nine sols's breathtaking combination of Chinese symbolism, fantastical settings, sci-fi atmosphere, and gritty bio-stuff is something special, and I don't know what I could to to capture that and make it playable and enjoyable.
Idk. I just like the idea of a dystopian tavern. It’s mostly fantasy and sci fi these days. A mystery tavern would be cool, but Dinao tried one today and it was a total wreck. Mostly had to do with the war between dogs and cats >:).
me too, but i also like the possibility of a facility with crazy sort of sci-fi life forms? Idk, nine sols is good
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
I'm Fry, a doodler, writer, aspiring singer/songwriter, and sort-of youtuber (check me out!) goofin' around on the interwebs Soli Deo Gloria(Sed servus eius crustulum vult) I'm a disabled, neurodivergent, dumpster fire, and somewhat of a clown, but I do my best :3 Crafter of Constellations, vocaloid enjoyer, waluigi’s #1 fan, space alien, undead cutie pie, danganer of ronpas, and certified silly goose Internet big sib to aspeninthetrees, TheGatoLover, (and hopefully more)
Someone was talking about threads earlier... i could do with some dystopian/facility/biotech stuff
like, i've been playing nine sols and those would be the perfect vibes for a thread. If anyone else agrees....
thread
/
Yeah that would be cool!
It's funny when you know the vibe but not the premise. Like, nine sols's breathtaking combination of Chinese symbolism, fantastical settings, sci-fi atmosphere, and gritty bio-stuff is something special, and I don't know what I could to to capture that and make it playable and enjoyable.
Idk. I just like the idea of a dystopian tavern. It’s mostly fantasy and sci fi these days. A mystery tavern would be cool, but Dinao tried one today and it was a total wreck. Mostly had to do with the war between dogs and cats >:).
me too, but i also like the possibility of a facility with crazy sort of sci-fi life forms? Idk, nine sols is good
Like the DAO!
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Your local friendly stupid doop!
Professional idiot! Trans! Pansexual pancake! I am a minor so you will do none of that (GP) with me! I use He/They pronouns :3
Someone was talking about threads earlier... i could do with some dystopian/facility/biotech stuff
like, i've been playing nine sols and those would be the perfect vibes for a thread. If anyone else agrees....
thread
/
Yeah that would be cool!
It's funny when you know the vibe but not the premise. Like, nine sols's breathtaking combination of Chinese symbolism, fantastical settings, sci-fi atmosphere, and gritty bio-stuff is something special, and I don't know what I could to to capture that and make it playable and enjoyable.
Idk. I just like the idea of a dystopian tavern. It’s mostly fantasy and sci fi these days. A mystery tavern would be cool, but Dinao tried one today and it was a total wreck. Mostly had to do with the war between dogs and cats >:).
me too, but i also like the possibility of a facility with crazy sort of sci-fi life forms? Idk, nine sols is good
Like the DAO!
The dao was a well-meaning modern facility for teens with powers. This would be a bit more... gritty. I'm thinking a dark sci-fi city where there's a big dichotomy between this corporation and the ones who rebel from its hold. That or a city with facilities that were designed to improve humanity but only led to creatures of pain. First, the ones that can't think, twisted amalgamations of metal and meat. Then came the sentient ones, cursed with their sentience.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
I'm Fry, a doodler, writer, aspiring singer/songwriter, and sort-of youtuber (check me out!) goofin' around on the interwebs Soli Deo Gloria(Sed servus eius crustulum vult) I'm a disabled, neurodivergent, dumpster fire, and somewhat of a clown, but I do my best :3 Crafter of Constellations, vocaloid enjoyer, waluigi’s #1 fan, space alien, undead cutie pie, danganer of ronpas, and certified silly goose Internet big sib to aspeninthetrees, TheGatoLover, (and hopefully more)
Someone was talking about threads earlier... i could do with some dystopian/facility/biotech stuff
like, i've been playing nine sols and those would be the perfect vibes for a thread. If anyone else agrees....
thread
/
Yeah that would be cool!
It's funny when you know the vibe but not the premise. Like, nine sols's breathtaking combination of Chinese symbolism, fantastical settings, sci-fi atmosphere, and gritty bio-stuff is something special, and I don't know what I could to to capture that and make it playable and enjoyable.
Idk. I just like the idea of a dystopian tavern. It’s mostly fantasy and sci fi these days. A mystery tavern would be cool, but Dinao tried one today and it was a total wreck. Mostly had to do with the war between dogs and cats >:).
me too, but i also like the possibility of a facility with crazy sort of sci-fi life forms? Idk, nine sols is good
Like the DAO!
The dao was a well-meaning modern facility for teens with powers. This would be a bit more... gritty. I'm thinking a dark sci-fi city where there's a big dichotomy between this corporation and the ones who rebel from its hold. That or a city with facilities that were designed to improve humanity but only led to creatures of pain. First, the ones that can't think, twisted amalgamations of metal and meat. Then came the sentient ones, cursed with their sentience.
Cool!
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Your local friendly stupid doop!
Professional idiot! Trans! Pansexual pancake! I am a minor so you will do none of that (GP) with me! I use He/They pronouns :3
Hey y’all, you can call me Sel, pronouns they/he. Some things about me, I like reading, writing, dnd, theater, art. I have an art doc and my yt channel linked below. Pms are always open if you need to talk. Love y’all <3
Someone was talking about threads earlier... i could do with some dystopian/facility/biotech stuff
like, i've been playing nine sols and those would be the perfect vibes for a thread. If anyone else agrees....
thread
/
Yeah that would be cool!
It's funny when you know the vibe but not the premise. Like, nine sols's breathtaking combination of Chinese symbolism, fantastical settings, sci-fi atmosphere, and gritty bio-stuff is something special, and I don't know what I could to to capture that and make it playable and enjoyable.
need thread help maybe
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
I'm Fry, a doodler, writer, aspiring singer/songwriter, and sort-of youtuber (check me out!) goofin' around on the interwebs Soli Deo Gloria(Sed servus eius crustulum vult) I'm a disabled, neurodivergent, dumpster fire, and somewhat of a clown, but I do my best :3 Crafter of Constellations, vocaloid enjoyer, waluigi’s #1 fan, space alien, undead cutie pie, danganer of ronpas, and certified silly goose Internet big sib to aspeninthetrees, TheGatoLover, (and hopefully more)
I don’t know, I just want feedback but everyone *excluding monks* just tells me its amazing or great or whatever and doesn’t provide any actual feedback
Hey y’all, you can call me Sel, pronouns they/he. Some things about me, I like reading, writing, dnd, theater, art. I have an art doc and my yt channel linked below. Pms are always open if you need to talk. Love y’all <3
Is art
@Irunwithskissors
(Both are links, please click them…)
Someone was talking about threads earlier... i could do with some dystopian/facility/biotech stuff
I'm Fry, a doodler, writer, aspiring singer/songwriter, and sort-of youtuber (check me out!) goofin' around on the interwebs
Soli Deo Gloria(Sed servus eius crustulum vult)
I'm a disabled, neurodivergent, dumpster fire, and somewhat of a clown, but I do my best :3
Crafter of Constellations, vocaloid enjoyer, waluigi’s #1 fan, space alien, undead cutie pie, danganer of ronpas, and certified silly goose
Internet big sib to aspeninthetrees, TheGatoLover, (and hopefully more)
Alright!
the first thing I see that I noticed is the,
‘You know that I’m broken
I know you are, too
But you’ve got a sort of gravity
Leading me to you’
just seems a bit off, I think it’s because of the length of the lines, with the first and third line, the first being 6 syllables and the third being 9 i think.
again, sorry if this is unhelpful, I basically exclusively write prose and not poetry or song.
Nah you’re fine i just want any and all feedback and i’ll figure out what to use later <3
Hey y’all, you can call me Sel, pronouns they/he. Some things about me, I like reading, writing, dnd, theater, art. I have an art doc and my yt channel linked below. Pms are always open if you need to talk. Love y’all <3
Is art
@Irunwithskissors
(Both are links, please click them…)
My WW2 thread is up >:]
My name’s Gradius, this is my second account :P I love Hollow Knight and I have been on ddb for a while. Come rp with me anytime! It is my purpose. My title that was given to me by Drummer is…SPIRIT OF THE WEST, GUARDIAN OF THE HOLLOWS.
No cost too great. No mind to think. No will to break. No voice to cry suffering. Born of God and Void.
TRON LIVES
like, i've been playing nine sols and those would be the perfect vibes for a thread. If anyone else agrees....
thread
/
I'm Fry, a doodler, writer, aspiring singer/songwriter, and sort-of youtuber (check me out!) goofin' around on the interwebs
Soli Deo Gloria(Sed servus eius crustulum vult)
I'm a disabled, neurodivergent, dumpster fire, and somewhat of a clown, but I do my best :3
Crafter of Constellations, vocaloid enjoyer, waluigi’s #1 fan, space alien, undead cutie pie, danganer of ronpas, and certified silly goose
Internet big sib to aspeninthetrees, TheGatoLover, (and hopefully more)
Yeah that would be cool!
Your local friendly stupid doop!
Professional idiot! Trans! Pansexual pancake! I am a minor so you will do none of that (GP) with me! I use He/They pronouns :3
Extended Signature!
It's funny when you know the vibe but not the premise. Like, nine sols's breathtaking combination of Chinese symbolism, fantastical settings, sci-fi atmosphere, and gritty bio-stuff is something special, and I don't know what I could to to capture that and make it playable and enjoyable.
I'm Fry, a doodler, writer, aspiring singer/songwriter, and sort-of youtuber (check me out!) goofin' around on the interwebs
Soli Deo Gloria(Sed servus eius crustulum vult)
I'm a disabled, neurodivergent, dumpster fire, and somewhat of a clown, but I do my best :3
Crafter of Constellations, vocaloid enjoyer, waluigi’s #1 fan, space alien, undead cutie pie, danganer of ronpas, and certified silly goose
Internet big sib to aspeninthetrees, TheGatoLover, (and hopefully more)
Idk. I just like the idea of a dystopian tavern. It’s mostly fantasy and sci fi these days. A mystery tavern would be cool, but Dinao tried one today and it was a total wreck. Mostly had to do with the war between dogs and cats >:).
Your local friendly stupid doop!
Professional idiot! Trans! Pansexual pancake! I am a minor so you will do none of that (GP) with me! I use He/They pronouns :3
Extended Signature!
me too, but i also like the possibility of a facility with crazy sort of sci-fi life forms? Idk, nine sols is good
I'm Fry, a doodler, writer, aspiring singer/songwriter, and sort-of youtuber (check me out!) goofin' around on the interwebs
Soli Deo Gloria(Sed servus eius crustulum vult)
I'm a disabled, neurodivergent, dumpster fire, and somewhat of a clown, but I do my best :3
Crafter of Constellations, vocaloid enjoyer, waluigi’s #1 fan, space alien, undead cutie pie, danganer of ronpas, and certified silly goose
Internet big sib to aspeninthetrees, TheGatoLover, (and hopefully more)
Like the DAO!
Your local friendly stupid doop!
Professional idiot! Trans! Pansexual pancake! I am a minor so you will do none of that (GP) with me! I use He/They pronouns :3
Extended Signature!
The dao was a well-meaning modern facility for teens with powers. This would be a bit more... gritty. I'm thinking a dark sci-fi city where there's a big dichotomy between this corporation and the ones who rebel from its hold. That or a city with facilities that were designed to improve humanity but only led to creatures of pain. First, the ones that can't think, twisted amalgamations of metal and meat. Then came the sentient ones, cursed with their sentience.
I'm Fry, a doodler, writer, aspiring singer/songwriter, and sort-of youtuber (check me out!) goofin' around on the interwebs
Soli Deo Gloria(Sed servus eius crustulum vult)
I'm a disabled, neurodivergent, dumpster fire, and somewhat of a clown, but I do my best :3
Crafter of Constellations, vocaloid enjoyer, waluigi’s #1 fan, space alien, undead cutie pie, danganer of ronpas, and certified silly goose
Internet big sib to aspeninthetrees, TheGatoLover, (and hopefully more)
Cool!
Your local friendly stupid doop!
Professional idiot! Trans! Pansexual pancake! I am a minor so you will do none of that (GP) with me! I use He/They pronouns :3
Extended Signature!
Hello, darlings!
Arch!
Your local friendly stupid doop!
Professional idiot! Trans! Pansexual pancake! I am a minor so you will do none of that (GP) with me! I use He/They pronouns :3
Extended Signature!
Anyone here?
Your local friendly stupid doop!
Professional idiot! Trans! Pansexual pancake! I am a minor so you will do none of that (GP) with me! I use He/They pronouns :3
Extended Signature!
Yelo
how you be
Hey y’all, you can call me Sel, pronouns they/he. Some things about me, I like reading, writing, dnd, theater, art. I have an art doc and my yt channel linked below. Pms are always open if you need to talk. Love y’all <3
Is art
@Irunwithskissors
(Both are links, please click them…)
Goodeth, yee?
Your local friendly stupid doop!
Professional idiot! Trans! Pansexual pancake! I am a minor so you will do none of that (GP) with me! I use He/They pronouns :3
Extended Signature!
need thread help maybe
I'm Fry, a doodler, writer, aspiring singer/songwriter, and sort-of youtuber (check me out!) goofin' around on the interwebs
Soli Deo Gloria(Sed servus eius crustulum vult)
I'm a disabled, neurodivergent, dumpster fire, and somewhat of a clown, but I do my best :3
Crafter of Constellations, vocaloid enjoyer, waluigi’s #1 fan, space alien, undead cutie pie, danganer of ronpas, and certified silly goose
Internet big sib to aspeninthetrees, TheGatoLover, (and hopefully more)
the robot that im working on has gears that keep skipping
the biggest screwup since the screw was invented