LOL

It's like that endgame scene where mantis goes "Kick names, Take a**"

1. People are so uncomfortable with how wet I am... 
2. I ready Cure Wounds above your crotch and say, “Silver, let’s do it.” (Same scene as the one below this.)
3. Can we have this circumcision without any murder please? (Came up twice, with 3 sessions between them).

Eighth level party of Ferrin (half elf wizard), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Venn (tiefling sorcerer), Xanlar (half elf paladin), and Nu (axolotl shifter druid),  plus NPCs Phillip (human ranger), Al (halfling cleric), and Pin the kobold.

Nu's player was not playing due to having to study for a big exam, so Nu spent the session cuddling and sleeping with "their" worg while Serena, Ferrin, and Xanlar managed to get an audience with "Aunt July" the weird swamp lady. Inside her shack are some people and a weird seance type setup at a table with folks staring blankly at some candles. The DM notes that as we enter there's a dog sitting next to where Ferrin is standing.

Dog: "Hi there."

Ferrin: "Huh?"

Dog: "Woof?"

Ferrin: "Okay. I'm gonna keep an side eye on the dog but try not to look too obvious about it."

We sit at the seance table.

Ferrin: "I watch the candles"

Serena: "I watch Ferrin watching the candles"

DM: "Ferrin, roll a wisdom save."

After a few minutes with Ferrin and the DM come back from a private channel and Ferrin snaps out of his trance ten minutes later (game time). He recommends the others try it with the warning that it's a bit weird.

Serena: "Oh, Great Pelor please prevent me from suffering bad consequences if this turns out to be a stupid decision." *ooc* "Okay I stare at the candles."

We find ourselves sitting in a featureless black void, and it's explained by one of the other seance-goers that it's a hole in reality, a space between the planes. 

Serena: "Can I see, hear or otherwise sense any sort of energy or vibes around us?"

DM: "Roll a straight wisdom check."

Ferrin: "Come on, that's your thing!"

*Natural One*

Serena: "I've rolled six wisdom related rolls so far this session and they're all below ten."

After we each get some weird visions related to our individual backstories and possibly hinting at prophetic implications for the campaign, we return and are led to a room with a big arcane symbol on the floor, presumably painted in blood. There are a few other things in the room including a bronze globe and a little altar-ish statue of a sphinx. Serena enters first and the DM points out a very small scythe in front of the statue.

DM: "It's very small, like dagger sized."

Ferrin: "For harvesting the world's smallest grains."

Serena: "Well dumb ideas haven't tried to kill me yet today so I prick my finger with the scythe then I'm going to wave it over the globe slowly. Think of a metal detector on the beach, do I get any beeps?"

Shortly later on Ferrin's turn, instead of the scythe he finds a vial of a mysterious bubbling pink liquid.

Serena: "Are you going to drink that?"

Ferrin: "I kind of want to but I don't think drinking a strange potion is the smartest idea."

Serena: "Today seems to be a day for dumb ideas"

Xanlar goes in and instead finds a fancy leather hat covered in gold dust, a few gems, and feathers.

Serena: "I get a tiny scythe, Ferrin gets a strange potion, and you get a magic pimp hat?"

Afterwards we go outside and Aunt July tells us some more weird mystic sounding stuff that we are by now listening to attentively. Suddenly, battle music starts playing.

Serena: "Well that isn't ominous!"

Ferrin: "[Nu's player] is in the discord and saw you put on the battle music. She says "Get my f***ing kids in there."

Ferrin: *in Discord text* "Nu's still sleeping on the worg."

DM: *also in Discord* "No kids allowed."

Session ends mid battle, tense situation as Ferrin's squishiness is not going well for him and Serena is running low on spells. This is further exacerbated by our foes being vulnerable to lightning damage and Ferrin is the only one that deals lightning damage; he's down to only a couple high level slots that will be risky with his "condition" roles and shocking grasp with touch range (reiterate: very squishy wizard, been downed once already). The DM really likes cliffhangers. Some exchanges continue via Discord.

Ferrin: "I almost died =D"

Nu: "I look away for One Session"

Ferrin: "I get the tone of that just because "One Session" is capitalized."

=====

Ferrin: "I do have a couple ideas I want to try next time that will not take any spell slots hopefully. Question: how good is Serena's throwing arm?

So possible idea I have a touch spell that does lightning damage. I have a weasel that can cast touch spells. Weasels are small."

Serena: "Okay that literally made me laugh out loud"

Ferrin: "I'm sorry, but Odette costs 10 gold to revive and Ferrin costs quite a lot more than that as well as a spell slot that probably doesn't exist now. It's called strategy" 

My other group managed to meet last week. Second level party with Ergdak (really big human fighter with custom bloodline, I think giant related), Cash (human bard), Hugar Broadsky (half orc druid), and Ymorp (halfling rogue with an overt size complex). We just managed to succeed at a heist in the last succession, albeit through a series of lucky rolls at key times. It had gone sideways early with the intended infiltration team (namely Ymorp) getting made and fleeing, which the "distraction" team of Ergdak, Hugar, and Cash managing to pull the heist while guards chased Ymorp through the city. We begin arriving back at the tavern where we meet our handler agent. 

DM: "Ymorp, you're separate from the others, how do you get back to the tavern?"

Ymorp: "I sneak in with the beer. When I come into the Wynne Hollow [tavern] I'm moist."

Hugar: "Wait, you actually crawled into a keg?"

DM: "With that stealth check I'll allow it. The rest of you are approached by a familiar and very damp halfling that smells of beer."

Hugar: "I don't know what you've been up to but it looks like it was more fun than what we've been doing."

Ymorp: "Everything on my end went great!"

DM: "Roll a deception check. You have disadvantage. It's a very shoddy attempt at a lie."

*low roll*

Agent: "Really? Because I've heard tell of the guards seeking a smallfolk woman with a high bounty on her head."

Ymorp: "Good thing I'm huge. There's no way they got a good look at me."

DM: ""Make another deception check with disadvantage."

*better roll, but Hugar rolls insight and gets a 20*

DM: "She's definitely bullshitting."

=====

We're taken to a hidden chamber beneath the tavern with a big tree in a cave. There's a hollow in it we're instructed to enter, one at a time.

Cash: "So we let the druid walk into the tree first."

Hugar: "Yeah, sure. Generally a sound plan."

Hugar comes back from a weird trippy vision quest type experience.

Hugar: "That's some weird huju."

After his turn, Cash comes stumbling back out, looking disoriented.

Broadsky: "Weird huju, right?"

Cash: "I saw myself die"

Broadsky: "Well I didn't see that"

Ymorp takes her turn (remember she has a major size complex).

DM: "You see a small home"

Ymorp: "Are you trying to say something?"

Hugar: "It's a dollhouse."

Afterward, with the celebratory drinking after a big score Hugar orders something called "dragon's blood." The DM notes that after a sip he hiccups out a small flash of flame.

Hugar: "After the first sip I toss the rest back and let out a big belch to see what happens."

DM: "Ymorp, you're across the table from him, roll a dex save."

Hugar: "To be fair, I'm aiming up a bit and she's short."

DM: "Roll with advantage."

Ymorp: "I'm feeling attacked here, but I'll take the advantage."

Ymorp ordered six shots of something just called "blue." After downing three she fails a save and expels some sort of weird ooze-like blue gas. 

DM: "Do you keep drinking?"

Ymorp: "I'm being bullied by the DM."

Broadsky: "You're the one that ordered six shots."

DM: "Do you drink the fourth one?"

Ymorp: "I paid for six."

The party encountered a Grell that had taken over a small town.

"Time to f*** the brain."

*A future based game:*

DM: This is it! You’ve reached the supercomputer! But the wires are unconnected, there is a red one, a blue one, and a yellow one.

Elf: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I connect the red with the yellow.

DM: not the red with the red? Okay… it blows up in your  face.

Dwarf: I do the obvious thing.

DM: the super computer turns o-

Dwarf: I meant I smash the computer

DM: But why???

Elf: Smart things are evil.

Dwarf: Yop.

Tiefling: You guys are gonna blow up half the city…

Dwarf: Yep! *proceeds to blow up half the city*

Dragonborn: Okay with that over I set up a business and get rich!

DM: the people reject your product.

Dragonborn: I didn’t say I would make stuff! I make the people pay me to not destroy them with fire! It’s a bluff, but they don’t know that!

DM: the people shoot you with lasers. Session over.

Frost Giant: “Tell you what: you grant me an honorable death; and I’ll give you my Belt of Strength.”

Kobold: “Don’t you mean: “Belt of FROST GIANT Strength?”

Frost Giant: “To you, maybe…for me, it just keeps my trousers on.”

Quote from Tony1Adobe >>

Frost Giant: “Tell you what: you grant me an honorable death; and I’ll give you my Belt of Strength.”

Kobold: “Don’t you mean: “Belt of FROST GIANT Strength?”

Frost Giant: “To you, maybe…for me, it just keeps my trousers on.”

 How true, those belts to a giant are nothing more than apparel

New game smell! Just started another game because you can never have too much D&D (also I don't get out much). Third level party with Kohein (elf rogue/arcane trickster), Ketthan (tabaxi monk), and Perri (human warlock). The premise is that about ten months previously a volcano erupted/exploded, opening a massive crater that opened a passage to a subterranean "Lost World" type land (Mesoamerican themed jungle land that is mystically/mysteriously well lit instead of the traditional underdark). The PCs have all, for their own reasons, headed there to seek adventure.  We also met up with a young human woman NPC named Vermina who is listed in my notes as "nerd genki girl," who has run away from a life of sheltered privilege to explore and seek adventure and new knowledge. We all took her up on her offer of employment as escorts/guards because we could use the employment and she really doesn't seem like she'd survive on her own for very long. 

We start out traveling down an absurdly long shaft on an elevator platform (fantasy rules, so science can suck it) for three days. As we near the bottom the DM describes how we're noticing that it's getting warmer and noticeably humid to the point that we start to pass through fog clouds as we descend. 

Kohein: ""So it smells warm and moist."
Perri: "The best word, moist."

Several of the others on the large platform suddenly pull weapons and announce a robbery, which the party obviously objects to and initiative is rolled.

Perri: "So what is this platform made of?"
Kohein: "On behalf of everyone else standing on it above a long and indeterminate drop, the answer is if you have to ask please, oh gods, no!"
Perri: "Oh, okay fine." *draws a handaxe* "I want to axe this guy over here something." 

Shortly later Vermina (who was also on the elevator) introduces herself and hires us as her guards and introductions are made.

Perri: "Wait, the cat person's name is Kitten?"
Ketthan: "Huh?"
Kohein: "Significa 'gatito' en ingles."
Ketthan: "Oh! I didn't do that on purpose, honest!"
Kohein: "I believe you only because I know English isn't your first language."

We have to check in at the embassy in the city at the base of the chasm to get passports and such, which includes going through several lines.

DM: "Yes, I know, the gameplay is a thrilling simulation of waiting in line."
Kohein: "It feels so immersive! Like I'm actually at the BMV!"

Perri stops at a guard station to ask about their winged creature.

Perri: "What's that?"
Guard: "It's a griffon."
Perri: "Can I pet it."
Guard: "Not if you want to keep both of your hands."
Perri: "Does it bite?"
Guard: "Yes."
Perri: "Can you pet it?"
Guard: "I don't try, because it's a guard beast."
Perri: "Maybe that's why it bites!"
Guard: "Don't you have something else to do besides bother me?"
Perri: "Well I was going to pet the griffon."
Guard: "Please move along."

Looking around the city, Vermina points out a large, Central American style stepped pyramid.

Vermina: "That huge structure is called a pyramid. Isn't it amazing?"
Kohein: "It looks like the people building it got a lazier as they went and made each level smaller than the one before."

Going into a library/archive to study some maps and plan where we're going. It's labeled in elven, which only Vermina and Kohein speak/read.

Vermina: "So this lake is called the "Fuming Waters," it's like a giant hot spring!"
Librarian: "Keep it down, this is a place for quiet study!"
Perri: "What's that little red mark next to it?"
Vermina: "That's an indication that it's a dangerous area."
DM: "You'll notice that there are read marks all over the map, plus some black ones."
Kohein: "What do the black marks mean?"
Vermina: "It says here they mean certain death."
Kohein: "Such a friendly place we're in."
Librarian: "Quiet over there!"

Perri: "I can't understand any of this. How many languages do you speak?"
Vermina: "Oh, lots! *rummages around her bag* "This is my elven book, and this is my goblin book, and this is my dragon book. This one's warm to the touch!"
Kohein: "It's a hot book?"
Librarian: "PLEASE BE QUIET!"
Perri: "I touch the book."

Perri: "You have a lot of stuff in there."
Vermina: "Yeah! Like here's my telescope! And my other telescope!" *reaches into her boot* "And this is my hidden telescope!"
Perri: "Wow, that's a lot of telescopes!"
Vermina: "You can never have too many telescopes!"
Librarian: "For F&%#'S SAKE BE QUIET!"

Perri helps Vermina repack her stuff, noting that with her intelligence of 8 she isn't nearly as organized as Vermina is and is making a mess of it.

Vermina: "Um, here! Play with this!" *produces yet another telescope* 
Perri: "Ooh! I look at the yelling guy through the telescope and wave at him.
Librarian: "Aaugh!"

Vermina: "Oh yeah, this here is called the Butterfly Forest, I think that would be a pretty place to visit."
Kohein: "Is there a red or black mark next to it?"
DM: "No, just a blue glyph that you recognize as an elven abbreviation for 'boring.'"
Kohein: "Yeah, sure. Maybe we can stop over there in between the dangerous places and the certain death ones."
Librarian: "Will you people leave already! If you want to have coffee conversation go do it over coffee! Not here!"
Kohein: "Don't you have coffee here?"
Librarian: "No!"
Kohein: "You seem like a person that drinks a lot of coffee."
Librarian: "F&$# OFF!"
Ketthan: "I did notice what looked like a tavern just down the street, we could go there and talk more."
Vermina: "Yeah, let's go there!"
Perri: "I wave to the yelling guy. Bye!"
Librarian: "Never come back!"

At the tavern...

Vermina: "Let's all get a drink! Because I am definitely an adult and drink alcohol all the time!"
Kohein: "Insight check?" *14* 
DM: "She seems to be of young adult age but she probably hasn't drank much before."

Talking about why we all came here over drinks.

Vermina: "So what about you, Kohein? Escaping your wife or something?"
Kohein: "Not quite like that...let's just say that there were certain allegations of certain liaisons that caused someone in a position of power to get some ideas that made me decide it would be good to be elsewhere."
Vermina: "Well you certainly handled those thugs on the platform really well. You stabbed that one guy straight through his head!"
Kohein: "Yeah, usually people get to know me a bit more before they try to kill me."
Vermina: "Um, you aren't a wanted murderer or something like that, are you?"
Kohein: "No, of course not!"
Perri: "I'm writing in my notes, 'Not a murderer...' question mark?"

Vermina gets thoroughly drunk after a few rounds and Perri tries to catch her from falling off her stool.

DM: "Roll a dex save." *9* "She pukes right in your lap."
Vermina: "Oh, look...a peanut!"

Waking up the next morning.

Vermina: "Ow...the headache, and spinning...what th-wait, this is a hangover!"
Perri: "YES!"
Vermina: "Ow! The yelling hurts! Why?"
Perri: "This is why we don't drink too much. Also you puked on me."

Later, while seeking a translator to interface with locals on our expedition, Vermina has a misunderstanding with a local woman who shouts a word at her and leaves. Vermina spends a moment looking the word up in a translation book she has.

Vermina: "Oh my, that wasn't very nice of her."
Perri: "What's it mean?" *Vermina holds up the book and points to the line* "Wow, that's a lot of meaning for just one word!"

That sounds like an awesome campaign setting!

So, my Rogue was more drunk then usual. (That's saying a lot.)

Hit by a sudden urge, I said,

"I say: 'Hello, fellow meat-people. 'Tis I, the man, the myth, the legend, Drunk-Man."

And so basically there's this town that thinks I'm this drunk superhero or something and it never stops being amusing to me.

DM: How do you investigate the well?

Barbarian: With investigation.

Bard: *currently seducing a dragon* your scales are so soft to the touch, how about i check a bit closer

my character, a Kenku: *takes notes, before echoing to a nearby kobold*

and thats how I had a kobold marry one of my characters

Eighth level party of Ferrin (half elf wizard), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Venn (tiefling sorcerer), Xanlar (half elf paladin), and Nu (axolotl shifter druid),  plus NPCs Phillip (human ranger), Al (halfling cleric), and Pin the kobold.

Dog: "It's late" I *wanders off*
Nu: "Wait, dogs can talk!?"
Ferrin*ooc*: "You're a druid, you talk to animals all the time!"
Nu*ooc*: "Yeah, but that's when I use magic to do it, this is weird."
DM: "So what do you do now?"
Nu: "I guess I just stare off into the middle distance for a minute thinking about the talking dog."

After a bit of contemplation and other stuff, Nu joins the rest of the party in battle (we were in a pocket dimension thingy).

Nu: "I'll wildshape into a giant eagle, so my big pink vulture form, and fly over to pick up Ferrin."
Ferrin: "I have seen this before so it's not as terrifying and I'll allow it."

A few rounds later, more tactical repositioning is needed and Ferrin is still exhausted and at half movement.

Nu: "Ferrin, come over and I'll thorn whip you across!"
Serena: "That does damage"
Nu: "That's why I moved the healing spirit to catch him!"

Shortly later...

Big Weird Slug Monster: "People sometimes come here with questions. Do you have something you seek?"
Serena: "Honestly, I'm kind of seeking general direction in my life right now and feeling overwhelmed by recent events. Do you have any general wisdom you can share?"
Slug Monster: "Well, I know how to make a really good cheesecake."

Arriving at a military outpost largely manned by a somewhat rigid and sometimes prickly military/religious order so Al has instructed us to act as proper soldiers even though Serena, Ferrin, and Nu are not actually part of the military.

Al: "Remember, you're all soldiers, so act like it."
Nu: "Bum, bum, bum, bum..."
Ferrin: "Is Nu marching?
Nu: "I'm a soldier!"

A soldier is giving us crap for being a bunch of "dirty kids" coming in from the swamp, covered in muck.

Serena: "I smile at him and blink my sparkly eyes all cutesy-like and say, 'Well you certainly look like a proper soldier with your clean uniform and shiny armor.'"
Soldier: "Well, yeah! I'm a professional!"
Serena: "Maybe you can tell me where I can scrub some of these bloodstains out of mine. They're a bit covered by mud but if you look closer you can notice that there's quite a bit of blood caked in there from all the swamp monsters and enemy soldiers we've killed over the past few weeks. Also some of it's mine. There might still be a few bits of shattered skull and brain splatter in the chain links that I missed, too."
DM: "Roll Intimidation with advantage." *18*
Soldier: "Uh, er, there are washing facilities in the main barracks over that way. Uh, ma'am."

Nu: "So, do we kill those guys?"
Serena: "No! Not those guys! Some of them are jerks, but this isn't the place for that."
Nu: "Okaaaaayy...."

The scene: our party(rogue barbarian cleric(me)and golem dmpc) had just stepped through a planar gate and saw a treant. It threw the golem back out the portal, the barbarian attacked it, and my cleric tried to calm everyone else down. 
 When it was my brother, the rogue’s turn he said; my guy says “I’m going to make like a tree and leaf,” and step through the portal. 
 And as luck would have it, that was the moment the golem sprinted back through the portal to attack the treant! My brother rolled a  4 on his dex save, and was trampled by the golem!😂

"NOBODY BITES MY FLOWER! I can't believe I just said that!"

Quote from Maelstrom51210 >>

"NOBODY BITES MY FLOWER! I can't believe I just said that!"

 Yeah, you should definitely let people bite your flower. Prude.

The new warlock bard PC (played by a long time player in the campaign) was exploring in a very secretive city with some local guides (really guards to keep an eye on her). She saw an arena that she was curious about, and she asked if it was easy to get tickets. The guard said usually it was sold out a couple months in advance. So, she asked...

Cassilia: "What would you say the security is like there?"

Later in the session, most of the party was talking to a criminal defense attorney, trying to help someone who was in jail awaiting trial for crimes she committed because she had been possessed by a cursed sword. The rogue didn't care about this person at all and felt the trouble was a waste of time, and he made his disdain for the whole thing clear. So...

Lysanthir, the attorney: "Why is he even here?"