DM: " Uh... on a scale of 1 to 10, how attached are you guys to your characters?"

Bard: Nakul! Vishara likes me! And I didn't even have to fight anybody!

Barbarian: Oh, well that's disappointing.

(For context: Since the beginning of this campaign, the bard (me) and the druid in the party have slowly been developing feelings for each other, but were both too awkward to do anything about it. The bard asked the dragonborn barbarian for advice on how to confess his feelings, and the barbarian suggested his tribe's ritual of having a battle with someone to prove yourself a worthy mate. This session the bard and druid ended up accidentally going on a date and admitting their feelings for each other, negating the need for the bard to fight somebody [he would've lost, his strength stat is terrible].)

Last week our group finished Lost Mine of Phandelver and next week our DM will be taking our characters into a different adventure, but he couldn't make it this week so I filled in with a tier and time appropriate one-shot that I obtained off the DMs Guild. I was planning on moving the setting, but after another player was unable to make it, I decided to stick with the original setting but give no more explanation of how the characters got to where they were than the adventure gave me, which was none.

Me: "You find yourselves in a tavern called the Leaky Iceberg, which is located in Stygia, the fifth level of hell."

[I let that sink in a bit.]

Barbarian out of character: "Wait, there's a tavern in hell?"

Me: *shrugs* "Yep."

Barbarian in character: "They have really good nachos."

 Seventh level party of Ferrin (half elf wizard), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Venn (tiefling sorcerer), Xanlar (half elf paladin), and Nu (axolotl shifter druid),  plus NPCs Phillip (human ranger), Al (halfling cleric), and "the kobold" (who's actual name we still haven't learned).

Going over the loot we found in a troglodyte lair. Worth noting that Ferrin's weird homebrew wild magic-ish thing sometimes results in summoning weird goo covered skeleton creatures that attack whatever is nearest to them; they're pretty weak and little more than a nuisance at this point. One of the magic items from the troglodytes' hoard is a breastplate with a magic rune that can conjure a ghost warrior to fight for the wearer. The breastplate is described by the DM as an ancient Greek style "muscle plate" molded to show definition of pecs and abs (yes, this was actually a thing that existed).

Nu: "Nu: "It's like your skeletons, Ferrin, but better and good."

Nu ends up taking the armor since it would actually lower Xanlar's and Serena's AC (yes it's metal but the DM allowed it). Combined with Nu's positive Dex bonus (which Xanlar and Serena both lack) this brings their AC up comparable to Xanlar and Serena. 

Nu: "I have abs now!"

DM: "You're four and a half feet tall, so those abs are over your knees." 

DM: "And I can summon a ghost now!"

Ferrin: "Yeah, give the druid more extras. Also I balance out the entire party's AC to a reasonable average with my 10."

We're preparing to set off to a different area and Nu decides that it would be very inconvenient and also dangerous to Kitty, their pet giant catfish (weighs over 150 pounds), to haul Kitty along. So Nu goes over to the nearby river where Kitty has been chilling out and has a talk with kitty. 

Nu: "So we're gonna be going really far away and probably fighting some dangerous people and I don't think it's gonna be safe for you. Do you remember the way home from here?"

Kitty (voiced by DM): *blub-blub noises*

Ferrin (ooc): "Is Kitty actually understanding this?"

Serena (ooc): "Well there's a first level druid spell that's literally called speak with animals."

Ferrin (ooc): "I know, but I kind of think it would be funnier if Nu was just projecting this whole conversation."

After some verification that Nu is actually communicating with Kitty (done via DM whispers so the rest of us still don't know what kitty was saying). 

Nu (ooc): "So does Kitty actually agree? Is he going to go home or try to follow us at a distance through the swamp and river or something?"

Ferrin (ooc): "Sometime later we're going to hear dramatic music and a giant catfish in a mecha suit will come stomping up after us from the horizon, all in silhouette and stuff."

DM: "Stop stealing my ideas! But seriously, Kitty goes swimming off toward home and does a big jump and splash kind of like a wave."

Nu: "Bye bye, I love you! Tell mom I'll be bringing friends to visit later!"

A week of travel through the swamp is condensed into some narrated survival checks. Ferrin rolls poorly on a few.

DM: "So that's the second time Ferrin falls off the horse."

Ferrin (ooc): "I don't know why they keep letting him up there at this point."

Serena rolls low on one of those checks. 

DM: "That mango was not a mango. It was a large and very hot tropical pepper." 

Nu: "Are you okay? You're sweating a lot all the sudden. Those peppers are really hot."

Serena: "I'm fine. I like spicy food."

DM: "Roll a Con save." *17* "Okay, you manage to keep it down."

While going over travel downtime, Ferrin is reading through the journal we recently found in the hideout of a famous alchemist and warrior turned deserter and now escaped criminal. Different parts are written in different languages, and useful information is mixed in with extremely graphic accounts of his sexual escapades. The DM describes strange terms that aren't exactly clear in their meanings, such as "Persian pearl," "Greek chandelier," and others. Ferrin spends a lot of time making weird faces sifting through it. At one point he asks Serena to translate a part in Draconic, which she speaks and he doesn't.

Serena: "Um, do you really need all the details from this? Some of it's pretty nasty. I'm not a prude, but wow, some of this is nasty. I didn't know a centaur could even do something like that." 

Ferrin: "Yeah, it's kind of like a train wreck where you're disgusted but can't help staring. Like this doodle here, who's leg even is that, there?"

Arriving at a river and in the process of hollowing out some felled trees to make canoes, we're attacked by a force of enemy troops. Some good perception checks allow us a bit of advance warning, so we hastily assume some slightly defensive positions which include the squishy Ferrin climbing a tree to cast ranged spells from. The enemy arrives, he casts a fireball, does a lot of damage, and rolls poorly for his weird consequences table.

DM: "So next in the initiative is Serena. You see the bead of light streak down from above and explode in the middle of the orcs. Then you hear a thump on the ground over to your right. You look over and see Ferrin lying there, unconscious and with weird blue runes creeping up his neck."

Serena: "Okay, that's not good."

Quote from JKCorfy >>

Last week our group finished Lost Mine of Phandelver and next week our DM will be taking our characters into a different adventure, but he couldn't make it this week so I filled in with a tier and time appropriate one-shot that I obtained off the DMs Guild. I was planning on moving the setting, but after another player was unable to make it, I decided to stick with the original setting but give no more explanation of how the characters got to where they were than the adventure gave me, which was none.

Me: "You find yourselves in a tavern called the Leaky Iceberg, which is located in Stygia, the fifth level of hell."

[I let that sink in a bit.]

Barbarian out of character: "Wait, there's a tavern in hell?"

Me: *shrugs* "Yep."

Barbarian in character: "They have really good nachos."

 That is hilarious.

Here are a few from my campaign. I can't believe I haven't been posting these here, there have been a TON of them.

They were in a puzzle (the one with the gem-encased spirits from TCoE) and figured out that they need to spell something with the letters PRNMLIHEA.
Wizard: Oh! I've got it!
*spreads his hand in a grand gesture, as if prepared to give a live performance to an audience of nobles, and shouts in a dramatic voice to the room, as if speaking the password to a magic door*
PRIMAL HEN!
*Nothing happens*
Mystic: *Figures out the puzzle*
Wizard: *Clears throat* Oh um... Yeah, that makes more sense... Great job, team! *Holds his hand out for a group high-five*
Warlock: *Awkwardly taps the Mystic's hand. Can't leave him hanging.*

The warlock, to a skeleton: What are you, my conscience?
Skeleton: Yes.
Warlock: You're going to have to try harder than that.
Skeleton, in a threatening manner: Spooky, scary skeletons send shivers down your spine...
Warlock, becoming nervous: N-no. Stop that.

Warlock: (Character) flips him off while exiting.
DM: Roll Athletics to get him in the air. (Mystic) needs to do make an Acrobatics check to do the flip properly.
Warlock rolls well, Mystic does not.
DM: You get him a good height in the air, but his inertia overbalances him and he falls over.
Mystic: What is this, some sort of mating ritual?

We were going to find the treasure of the dread pirate Neckbeard. 

I asked his pirate ship if it was an evildoer. 

He was a skeleton with a beard, and when we attacked him, three characters in a row rolled natural ones and ended up in a pile. 

When our bard cast healing word, we decided that the healing word was "DIE!"

"I yell 'LIVE!' and attack with my shortsword."

"Guess it's opposite day."

We fought a giant beaver. 

"I want to find a baby giant beaver to train."

DM: "That was the baby."

We coffin danced the beaver out of the cavern, then we made it a zombie. Because it was ridiculous, it turned on us. When we came to a tunnel too small for the beaver, and the paladin suggested we kill it with ranged weapons. It then powered up its laser eyes. 

We developed a traumatic fear of beavers. 

DM: "When you go back to town, you rest. You think you see a beaver, but then..."

DM (in doctor dufansmerts(?) voice): "Perry the platypus?!"

"I grab the femur and the keg and walk out the door."

-no context necessary

PC recounting an earlier encounter:

"And turtle be like: Water you doing there?"

"My name? Brad Explosion. You've probably heard of me, I'm the god that got all the other gods drunk.", "EAT MY LAWNMOWER, PLANTS OF SATAN", "Wait wait wait... there's no pizza in D&D?"

Quote from Jawa_The_Vicious >>

"My name? Brad Explosion. You've probably heard of me, I'm the god that got all the other gods drunk.", "EAT MY LAWNMOWER, PLANTS OF SATAN", "Wait wait wait... there's no pizza in D&D?"

Quote from Jawa_The_Vicious >>

"My name? Brad Explosion. You've probably heard of me, I'm the god that got all the other gods drunk.", "EAT MY LAWNMOWER, PLANTS OF SATAN", "Wait wait wait... there's no pizza in D&D?"

Quote from Jawa_The_Vicious >>

"My name? Brad Explosion. You've probably heard of me, I'm the god that got all the other gods drunk.", "EAT MY LAWNMOWER, PLANTS OF SATAN", "Wait wait wait... there's no pizza in D&D?"

 I misread “plants” as “pants” and I think it made the quote even better (which I’m surprised was possible)

Quote from RubyTuesdayTheSamoyed >>

Quote from Jawa_The_Vicious >>

"My name? Brad Explosion. You've probably heard of me, I'm the god that got all the other gods drunk.", "EAT MY LAWNMOWER, PLANTS OF SATAN", "Wait wait wait... there's no pizza in D&D?"

 

Quote from Jawa_The_Vicious >>

"My name? Brad Explosion. You've probably heard of me, I'm the god that got all the other gods drunk.", "EAT MY LAWNMOWER, PLANTS OF SATAN", "Wait wait wait... there's no pizza in D&D?"

 

Quote from Jawa_The_Vicious >>

"My name? Brad Explosion. You've probably heard of me, I'm the god that got all the other gods drunk.", "EAT MY LAWNMOWER, PLANTS OF SATAN", "Wait wait wait... there's no pizza in D&D?"

 I misread “plants” as “pants” and I think it made the quote even better (which I’m surprised was possible)

 figured out how to quote, did we?

DM: “You see the foreign dignitary stab the king in the chest, as strangers brandishing swords & crossbows appear in the crowd and starting attacking the people there…what do you do?”

Warlock: “I…run out of the room.”

DM: “Ah…you’re leaving your group?”

Warlock: “I’m a CHEF…I’m getting the hell out of there!”

(a round or two of combat later)

DM: “The warlock is fleeing down the corridor, when he comes across a small group of royal guards.”

Guards: “Where are YOU going?”

Warlock: “RUNNING…AWAY.”

Guards: “You abandon the king in his time of need?”

Warlock: “I’m a CHEF.”

Guards: “No longer…you are hereby conscripted. Do your duty & defend the king.”

(they grab the warlock and drag him, kicking, back to combat)

Warlock: “BUT I’M A CHEF..!!”

(woe to those that try and break away from the DM’s scripted moments)

 Seventh level party of Ferrin (half elf wizard), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Venn (tiefling sorcerer), Xanlar (half elf paladin), and Nu (axolotl shifter druid),  plus NPCs Phillip (human ranger), Al (halfling cleric), and "the kobold" (who's actual name we still haven't learned).

Serena's upcast spiritual weapon crits an orc for 53 points of damage.

DM: How do you want to describe that?

Serena: "Can we say he just explodes in a cloud of sparkles?"

DM: "And you guys complain when you take a critical hit."

Serena: "That's a fourth level spell!"

DM: "It was a second level orc!"

Serena: "I only have one fourth level slot and you brought twenty orcs to this fight!"

Xanlar's player was not present due to being sick, so Ferrin's player was handling his character.

Ferrin: "I'm resisting the urge to clean up this character sheet. I really want to, but I'm not touching it."

Ferrin repeatedly passes out, comes to, casts a spell, then passes out again. Three times in a row. We've determined that his condition is magical in nature and casting dispel magic on him gets him an extra saving throw (out of normal turn) to wake up again. Nu spends several turns doing this and freaking out a bit. 

Ferrin: "I'm awake again. Life is pain. Is Nu still attached to my leg?"

Nu: "Ferrin! Don't fall down again!"

Ferrin rolls a nat 1 on a firebolt ruled as hitting Nu (right next to him) in the back of the head.

Nu: "Ferrin? Everything's hot!"

Ferrin: "Sorry little buddy!" *Frantically pats flames out on Nu's head*

DM: "Next up in initiative is Nu's blender, aka the troops."

Nu: "My children!"

Ferrin: "That's how Nu manages to be so happy all the time, all their aggression and anger goes into their summoned creatures."

After the fight we have a somewhat overdue RP conversation about Ferrin's "condition" and the DM heavily hints that now might be a good time to actually open the package he got twelve sessions ago (I checked my notes to verify that). 

Ferrin: "Oh yeah, the one that I thought might be more drugs? Okay, I'll get it out of my pack and open it."

Serena*ooc*: "I'm kind of bouncing in place, trying to not look like I'm leaning over to see what's in it."

Nu: "I'm fully leaning in."

DM: "Serena roll a performance check."

*8*

Venn: "A little anxious there, Serena?"

Serena: "I'm a healer and it concerns his condition, my curiosity is purely professional."

Venn: "Sure it is."

Ferrin: "Is it drugs?"

In the package are a number of items that appear suited for magic rituals and alchemy, one of which is a vial of powder.

Serena: "Is that drugs?"

Ferrin: "No, but I don't know what it's for."

Serena: "Maybe you could open the letter that came with it and it might tell you that instead of carrying it around for another two weeks?" [he's had it for about two weeks game time, three months real time]. 

Ferrin: "It was labeled 'Bad News!' Fine, I'll open it."

Serena: "Is it drugs?"

The letter, and package, is from our acquaintance Glen Esper, the NPC genius alchemist and war hero commando turned deserter and wanted criminal. It details a procedure to lessen the effects of Ferrin's condition but is generally condescending and says, in so many words, that Ferrin is doomed because he isn't smart enough to fully cure it.

Ferrin: "It has some stuff that's probably helpful, but he's still a dick."

Serena: "I told you he's a dick in the first place."

We get on with building canoes to make way down river as we were before being attacked by the orcs. At one point the kobold points out something helpful (worth noting he's a little weirded out by Nu, whom he refers to as "the weird pink thing").

Nu: "I hug him."

Kobold *brandishing a dagger*: "Try it."

Nu: "I squeeeeeze him!"

Kobold: "Ugh. I was once peed on by bugbear and this is worse"

Group dex checks for paddling/steering the train of tied-together canoes down the shallow, narrow, and obstacle filled river as Nu pulls/guides them wildshaped into a swimming giant lizard. Serena is, as usual, not good at dexterity based tasks.

Nu: "Um, Serena? I think maybe it would be better if you don't paddle."

More paddling, Serena fails a strength save as a giant crab claw yanks away her paddle.

Venn: "What was that?"

Serena: "Something took my paddle."

Venn: "What?"

Serena: "I'm not going in there for a closer look. Everything in this swamp sucks!"

DM is describing what Nu is seeing under the water, lots of weird critters swimming around, some with a bunch of googly eyes and such.

Nu: "Like some distant relatives my parent's didn't really like to talk about. Hey, is that Uncle Louey?"

Session wrap-up, discussing what we're doing as we level up.

Ferrin: "I'm taking the Prodigy feat, which means I can finally get Arcana."

Serena: "Wow, imagine a wizard proficient in arcana. What's next, a druid that's proficient in Nature?"

Nu*in character voice*: "Huh?"

I just had my first session in a while.

Druid: What's your blood type?
Treant: Chlorophyll. 

Gnome: I am Gnoble, the gnome noble! The gnobleman!
Sorcerer: Hello.
Gnoble: Commoner, you are beneath me!

PC: "Does a 26 hit?"

DM: *sips coffee* "The kobold dies."

"If it's below a fifteen and on the floor, it doesn't count."

Quote from Gh0styy >>

Quote from RubyTuesdayTheSamoyed >>

Quote from Jawa_The_Vicious >>

"My name? Brad Explosion. You've probably heard of me, I'm the god that got all the other gods drunk.", "EAT MY LAWNMOWER, PLANTS OF SATAN", "Wait wait wait... there's no pizza in D&D?"

 

Quote from Jawa_The_Vicious >>

"My name? Brad Explosion. You've probably heard of me, I'm the god that got all the other gods drunk.", "EAT MY LAWNMOWER, PLANTS OF SATAN", "Wait wait wait... there's no pizza in D&D?"

 

Quote from Jawa_The_Vicious >>

"My name? Brad Explosion. You've probably heard of me, I'm the god that got all the other gods drunk.", "EAT MY LAWNMOWER, PLANTS OF SATAN", "Wait wait wait... there's no pizza in D&D?"

 I misread “plants” as “pants” and I think it made the quote even better (which I’m surprised was possible)

 figured out how to quote, did we?

 Yes, and did that a little to much. Oops, bad internet strikes again I suppose!

Quote from Tony1Adobe >>

DM: “You see the foreign dignitary stab the king in the chest, as strangers brandishing swords & crossbows appear in the crowd and starting attacking the people there…what do you do?”

Warlock: “I…run out of the room.”

DM: “Ah…you’re leaving your group?”

Warlock: “I’m a CHEF…I’m getting the hell out of there!”

(a round or two of combat later)

DM: “The warlock is fleeing down the corridor, when he comes across a small group of royal guards.”

Guards: “Where are YOU going?”

Warlock: “RUNNING…AWAY.”

Guards: “You abandon the king in his time of need?”

Warlock: “I’m a CHEF.”

Guards: “No longer…you are hereby conscripted. Do your duty & defend the king.”

(they grab the warlock and drag him, kicking, back to combat)

Warlock: “BUT I’M A CHEF..!!”

(woe to those that try and break away from the DM’s scripted moments)

 Oh yeah, I'm totally writing this down to use in future campaigns.

Kiuji (DM): "So, you all want to be heroes. Eh?"
Player 3: "No. I want to go to bed, but they told me they couldn't do this with three people."

(We found out later that the DM was also tired and she came up with the name, Kiuji, on the spot as qg for Quest Giver. It was a long day for all of us. We decided to get through the intros and infos and close up that night before starting the adventure proper.)

Context: The parties barbarian, has an ability called eat everything (a gift from the dm after a long history of eating everything) and their trapped in a dungeon room trying to escape throught the room.

Barbarian: I want to eat the wall

DM:roll a constituion save.

Barbarian:*rolls 14, plus their con and save prof*

DM;their is now a wall in your stomach

Barbarian: "what goes in must come out" 

DM: grins and facepalms simutaneously 

Barbarian: *goes rocketing through the roof on wall diareah*