And unconscious sack of potatoes/person“Why is there a body?”

My character in a campaign when a couple other characters brought In An unconscious sack of potatoes/person. ( it wasn’t a very good illusion!)

My depraved, hatchet-wielding halfling Long Death Monk (basically a barbarian):

"LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M CHARGING AT YOU!"

"FIVE BODY PILE UP...EXPECT DELAYS!"

(throws a hatchet into an enemy) "HEY, THAT'S MINE! GIVE IT BACK..!!"

"Bring your umbrella...IT'S ABOUT TO RAIN!"

"SHOW ME WHERE THE BAD MAN TOUCHED YOU...SO I CAN CUT IT OUT FOREVER!"

"EVERYTHING BELOW YOUR KNEES ARE MINE!"

...and various unsettling battle-crys...basically a Borderlands psycho.

One word, when the GM misspoke and "mummytaur" became "Moomintaur"

Dm: here comes this barbarian tiefling 

Me: oh! A Biefling

*DM had to walk away during an isolation stream and let the players plan their next moves out-of-combat*
*DM returns*
Players: "We built an orbital laser."

"Whats in the bag?" Our Human blood-hunter asks

"Potatoes" Says the caravan driver

"OR IS IT!?!?" Lifts up the sack to reveal a dead body.

Ha ha, that reminds me of something from a campaign I'm playing in. My character Morrigan had a bag of holding, and after her and another party member made friends with a gigantic spider, they started using their bags of holding to store dead chickens to feed the spider. Later on, another party member's mastiff died, and since the player had to skip a session, we decided to wait to have a funeral for the dog until the player was back. None of our characters were strong enough to carry the body, so into Morrigan's bag of holding he went. Then last session my character ran in front of a bunch of knights in her haste to attack the guy who kidnapped her birds and she was killed. To avoid suspicion, her body is going to be transported out of the city via her bag of holding(or as I like to call it now, "The Body Bag").

Dm: as you enter the Myconide village, you see Phylos sulking in the corner

Me, just now cured of my affliction, and not really caring for this guy: I do a drive by flip off "Haha! SUCKS TO BE YOU!!"

I ate a interdimensional creature's legs and almost died. 

(The interdimensional creature was a demodog)

//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\\///\\\

♫ Demodogs! ♫ Armour demodogs! ♫ They're the dogs! Kids! Love! To! Bi i i i i i ite! ♫

:)

"What is this, Queer Eye for Your Creepy Old Temple?"

DM: Okay so the rouge is now petrified and turns to stone

Player 1 soon afterwards: Can we sell him as a statue?

( A thing I wish would happen )

"you want to roleplay a date with me" 

Artificer: You know, a good piece of advice I once got is not to listen to anything if you can’t tell where its brain is.

Blood Hunter: Then why do we listen to you?

Bard (me): Ooh, burn! *fist bumps the blood hunter*

Artificer: You DON’T listen to me!

Paraphrased from a recent stream:

Player 5 joined for the first time but sat at the table right when the first four players were interrogating four NPCs that tried to attack them individually and failed miserably.

Player 5: "What's going on here?"
Player 1 was shouting at a dead body: "..."
Player 4 was slapping an old man: "I'm not abusing an old man."
Player 3 was shaking a woman: "It's not what it looks like."
Player 2 holding a trowel to the neck of a bound man: "It's kinda what it looks like."
DM (Player 2's attacker NPC): "I'm a victim! They attacked me and my friends!"
Player 3: "Quiet you or I'll crawl inside you and explode you from the inside!"
Player 2: "I know it doesn't look like it right now, but we're the good guys."
Player 5 (OOC): "Do I believe them?"
DM: "Roll an Insight check."

(In a BTS, the DM admits he wasn't prepared if she would have failed her insight check.)

Our light domain cleric finishing off a shambling mound.

Cleric: *with an "I'm so done with you tone* **** you. 

We hear Zuggtmoy after she screwed herself, and going through a list of people she feels wronged her

Zuggtmoy getting to my character: "AND **** YOU TIA!!!

Me hearing her in the distance: I don't know why she's mad at me, I did the job she asked me to do. 

Cleric: I'll rush over to help the warlock

DM: Okay the bandit you cast command on makes an opportunity attack

Cleric: What?

DM: You are now next to the warlock

Warlock: How close is he?

DM: Like 5 feet away why?

Warlock: Okay can't use that spell.

DM: Why?

Warlock: It has a radius of ten feet centered on myself

Cleric at low health: Do it I can Take it

( Spell is cast )

Cleric: ( Proceeds to die )

Warlock soon afterwards: ( Gets cut down by bandits )

Sorry that was kind of long. It might have also been a you had to be there moment.

1st level is fun let me just say