Player (for the nth time): "Well, actually--" Everyone else (including DM): "SHUTTUP!"
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
One player, OOC: I would like to do the anal handling roll.
Wait did he actually say anal or did you make a mistake
Actually typed that.
Lol i cant believe some guy would do that.
It is mostly text based, and he mistyped Animal Handling.
It could be a DYAC situation, too. Where these things get their suggestions is anyone's guess - and my guess is crowd-sourced given how they come up with words I've never used.
It was a DYAC situation.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
I am part of the Cult of Grammar. Respect us. Or we will find the slightest mistake in your grammar, and never let you forget it. Clones would have saved Star Wars, and Kylo Ren sucks. MAKE THE EMPIRE GREAT AGAIN!!! I am a stormtrooper, and the Skywalker family is made of nothing but idiots who are insane. Cough Anakin and Luke Skywalker Cough
Player 3: "So, how did you sleep?" Player 2: (to DM) How did I sleep? DM: This time, your room was just a cave of rotting flesh with a mattress of live maggots wrapped securely in sticky spider silk. Player 2: "I think the house is starting to warm up to me." I pat the wall. DM: Your handprint on the wall starts to seep blood. Player 2: "Aw. That's so sweet! Look, you guys! The house drew me a picture!" DM: More blood appears on the wall, and the bloody handprint expands to a bloody image of a facepalm emoji.🤦🏻♂️
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
"Right... In trying to jump and reach the scroll, you knock the bookshelf, sending it toppling into the bucket of dirty water. The ink smears and runs off the pages, rendering it ruined."
"... Dammit."
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
Party finishing up a town festival adventure they just spent 3 sessions in.
DM - You want to try your hand at one more 4 token magic item? Cleric - Sure, i'll probably get more armor we can't use or don't need. (He's a tortle in a party with a monk, an armorer arti, and a ranger with +1 dragonscale scale mail) DM - Alright, roll me a d6 *rolling commences* Ok, roll me a D20 and subtract 7. *more rolling* Cleric - Uhhh, an 8? DM in character as the prize vender. "Lets see what prize is in your box!" *pauses* Out of character "Nope, nope, nope. ****, nope. How the?" Everyone else looks. Scroll of Wish. DM spends the rest of the wind down time after the session reminding the cleric of the rules of the Wish spell, and also cursing rng. Cleric - So uhh, what if i just wish to kill the guy we're looking for? DM - So anyways, next session you'll be meeting with Dixon right? Pretends to start taking notes.
Me (DM): There is a pirate wizard. He is drunk to the point on unconsciousness. His parrot familiar, however, is having a complicated political discussion with a half-elven woman. Player: What's the parrot saying? Me: Uh... (frantically stumbles for something) Parrot (in sterotypically squawky voice): All I'm saying is we need to seize the means of production. The capitalist system is what pushes people like us to lives of piracy and crime in the first place. SQUAWK!
Holly (Half-Orc Druid Barbarian): Sorry I tried to kill you while I was possessed. As an apology, I had the magic item maker make this for you. (hands the bard a bag of holding shaped like a wheel of cheese)
Player: I place a wheel of cheese on the ground and point the Wand of Wonder at it. Me: *rolls* You cast detect thoughts on the cheese wheel. As you attempt to look into the inner thoughts of the cheese, you catch a glimpse of madness. In that moment, in the darkest depths of the cheesemind, your mind touches the far realm, sending you on the path to insanity. Take *rolls* 1 point of psychic damage.
Player: I expend another charge of the wand at the cheese Me: *rolls* You cast Call Lightning at the cheese. The lightning strikes the cheese, melting it, and turning it into a formless mass of burning nacho cheese, which covers everything on the deck, including yourself. Take one point of fire damage Player: I have now taken more damage from cheese than from Joseph [a major villain from my campaign]
Kraken Priest: Yes! I have drawn you down here! You may have bested my servants, but now you shall face the power of Nereus! Lori (tiefling tempest cleric): Give us control of the ship! Holly (Half-Orc druid/barbarian): *growls to give advantage* Lori: *rolls nat 20* Kraken Priest: *fails save* Okay! Cultist: You're just going to give it to them? Holly: *growls* Cultist: Okay, you win!
Incubus: Imps! Come to do my bidding! Giovanni (Tiefling Blood Hunter/Rogue): Why weren't they here before? Incubus: *me as the dm stumbles for an explanation* They were on their union-mandated break.
Tiefling Warlock attempts to seduce demonic copy of the bard player character. She fails Persuasion(CHA). Rogue: "Ooh! Denied!" Demonic Bard(DM): "It's not you. It's me."
-later- Warlock is making the killing strike of Agonizing Blast. Demonic Bard (as if electrocuted): "Mmaybbe wwe ccann rrevvisitt o-ourr rrellationnshipp?" DM: ...and he explodes.
(EDIT: In before (nerdy voice):"Well, actually... it's Force damage and not Lightning." I'm repeating what happened, not what's correct.)
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Happened recently: Random criminal tries to charm our friend, fails, and runs away. We just mercillesly beat him to death, giving him FOUR levels of exhaustion and still not killing him until randomly he becomes a skeleton because of some random god hand and then one of my party members kicked his skull off, killing him.
Kraken Priest: Yes! I have drawn you down here! You may have bested my servants, but now you shall face the power of Nereus! Lori (tiefling tempest cleric): Give us control of the ship! Holly (Half-Orc druid/barbarian): *growls to give advantage* Lori: *rolls nat 20* Kraken Priest: *fails save* Okay! Cultist: You're just going to give it to them? Holly: *growls* Cultist: Okay, you win!
Incubus: Imps! Come to do my bidding! Giovanni (Tiefling Blood Hunter/Rogue): Why weren't they here before? Incubus: *me as the dm stumbles for an explanation* They were on their union-mandated break.
Kraken Priest: Yes! I have drawn you down here! You may have bested my servants, but now you shall face the power of Nereus! Lori (tiefling tempest cleric): Give us control of the ship! Holly (Half-Orc druid/barbarian): *growls to give advantage* Lori: *rolls nat 20* Kraken Priest: *fails save* Okay! Cultist: You're just going to give it to them? Holly: *growls* Cultist: Okay, you win!
Incubus: Imps! Come to do my bidding! Giovanni (Tiefling Blood Hunter/Rogue): Why weren't they here before? Incubus: *me as the dm stumbles for an explanation* They were on their union-mandated break.
I didn't know that devils had worker's unions.
they do their whole thing is being a giant infernal union
So, last session my Cleric got kidnapped after I failed a Save vs Hold Person. Problem was we were RPing downtime instead of being in a dungeon, so the party had split up (and 2 of the players weren't there, so we were down some of our firepower). I get dragged off to somewhere (and kept failing my attack rolls when I tried kicking and/or headbutting my captors). Later 2 of my party (a Monk and Wizard) notice I'm gone and coming looking for me. Needless to say, they were outnumbered and the Monk decided to even the odds by using a Fireball Bead from his Necklace of Fireballs.
So, the Monk breaks down the door to the 1-room shack I'm locked in, promptly gets shot at by 2 crossbow-wielding thugs (he managed to deflect both shots) and tosses the fireball bead into the room, at the far corner.
The hand-crossbow wielding scum are incinerated. The other 2 bounty hunters (a Wizard and a Fighter) are injured and the Monk quips:
Kraken Priest: Yes! I have drawn you down here! You may have bested my servants, but now you shall face the power of Nereus! Lori (tiefling tempest cleric): Give us control of the ship! Holly (Half-Orc druid/barbarian): *growls to give advantage* Lori: *rolls nat 20* Kraken Priest: *fails save* Okay! Cultist: You're just going to give it to them? Holly: *growls* Cultist: Okay, you win!
Incubus: Imps! Come to do my bidding! Giovanni (Tiefling Blood Hunter/Rogue): Why weren't they here before? Incubus: *me as the dm stumbles for an explanation* They were on their union-mandated break.
I didn't know that devils had worker's unions.
they do their whole thing is being a giant infernal union
Resisting is simply standing in front of the tide and pushing at it. Even if you endure at first, you will eventually break down. Adapting, by contrast, is turning into a fish.
-me
Rangers are not underpowered. They’re just exploration-oriented.
DM: He spits on [the monks] unconscious body.
Dragonborn Wizard: “You’re asking for it! I’ll spit on you! I’LL SPIT ON YOU!!!”
DM: So you use your breath weapon?
Dragonborn: “No, that was just for intimidation. My breath weapon’s useless.”
RIP Tavern.
All hail King Jovan Fluffycloud Prince
Teleporting elf monk supremacy!, but druids are better
[Cactus]Waffles!”I don’t have any good quotes to put in my sig.” -Me
Druid, talking to a horse: How long have you been here?
DM, as horse: Around 30 minutes... Wait a second, I’m a horse, I don’t know what minutes are!
Player (for the nth time): "Well, actually--"
Everyone else (including DM): "SHUTTUP!"
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
It was a DYAC situation.
I am part of the Cult of Grammar. Respect us. Or we will find the slightest mistake in your grammar, and never let you forget it.
Clones would have saved Star Wars, and Kylo Ren sucks.
MAKE THE EMPIRE GREAT AGAIN!!! I am a stormtrooper, and the Skywalker family is made of nothing but idiots who are insane. Cough Anakin and Luke Skywalker Cough
Don't even TRY to argue with me about Star Wars.
(a haunted mansion)
Player 3: "So, how did you sleep?"
Player 2: (to DM) How did I sleep?
DM: This time, your room was just a cave of rotting flesh with a mattress of live maggots wrapped securely in sticky spider silk.
Player 2: "I think the house is starting to warm up to me." I pat the wall.
DM: Your handprint on the wall starts to seep blood.
Player 2: "Aw. That's so sweet! Look, you guys! The house drew me a picture!"
DM: More blood appears on the wall, and the bloody handprint expands to a bloody image of a facepalm emoji.🤦🏻♂️
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
*Rolls a Nat 1*
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Right... In trying to jump and reach the scroll, you knock the bookshelf, sending it toppling into the bucket of dirty water. The ink smears and runs off the pages, rendering it ruined."
"... Dammit."
- With all due respects, your friendly neighbourhood alchemist
Party finishing up a town festival adventure they just spent 3 sessions in.
DM - You want to try your hand at one more 4 token magic item?
Cleric - Sure, i'll probably get more armor we can't use or don't need. (He's a tortle in a party with a monk, an armorer arti, and a ranger with +1 dragonscale scale mail)
DM - Alright, roll me a d6
*rolling commences*
Ok, roll me a D20 and subtract 7.
*more rolling*
Cleric - Uhhh, an 8?
DM in character as the prize vender. "Lets see what prize is in your box!" *pauses* Out of character "Nope, nope, nope. ****, nope. How the?"
Everyone else looks. Scroll of Wish.
DM spends the rest of the wind down time after the session reminding the cleric of the rules of the Wish spell, and also cursing rng.
Cleric - So uhh, what if i just wish to kill the guy we're looking for?
DM - So anyways, next session you'll be meeting with Dixon right? Pretends to start taking notes.
|| Sol Night-Arrow, Tabaxi Ranger ||
||Currently DMing a Homebrew Campaign ||
Guides or Important Threads of Mine ----- || List of ALL Official Familiars || My Homebrew Monsters ||
Level 3 One Shot Character Concepts ----- || Fist of the Gods || Triple Tap Hunter || Bullseye Dartmaster || Captain America ||
^^^Those are Links BTW^^^
Me: oh look, a zombie.
Friend: dont kick him off the cliff.
Me:i will. (kicks zomb off cliff)
Friend: *falls to his knees* BOBBY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me (DM): There is a pirate wizard. He is drunk to the point on unconsciousness. His parrot familiar, however, is having a complicated political discussion with a half-elven woman.
Player: What's the parrot saying?
Me: Uh... (frantically stumbles for something)
Parrot (in sterotypically squawky voice): All I'm saying is we need to seize the means of production. The capitalist system is what pushes people like us to lives of piracy and crime in the first place. SQUAWK!
Holly (Half-Orc Druid Barbarian): Sorry I tried to kill you while I was possessed. As an apology, I had the magic item maker make this for you. (hands the bard a bag of holding shaped like a wheel of cheese)
Player: I place a wheel of cheese on the ground and point the Wand of Wonder at it.
Me: *rolls* You cast detect thoughts on the cheese wheel. As you attempt to look into the inner thoughts of the cheese, you catch a glimpse of madness. In that moment, in the darkest depths of the cheesemind, your mind touches the far realm, sending you on the path to insanity. Take *rolls* 1 point of psychic damage.
Player: I expend another charge of the wand at the cheese
Me: *rolls* You cast Call Lightning at the cheese. The lightning strikes the cheese, melting it, and turning it into a formless mass of burning nacho cheese, which covers everything on the deck, including yourself. Take one point of fire damage
Player: I have now taken more damage from cheese than from Joseph [a major villain from my campaign]
Me: Cheese is now officially a damage type.
And because I haven't done this in a while:
Kraken Priest: Yes! I have drawn you down here! You may have bested my servants, but now you shall face the power of Nereus!
Lori (tiefling tempest cleric): Give us control of the ship!
Holly (Half-Orc druid/barbarian): *growls to give advantage*
Lori: *rolls nat 20*
Kraken Priest: *fails save* Okay!
Cultist: You're just going to give it to them?
Holly: *growls*
Cultist: Okay, you win!
Incubus: Imps! Come to do my bidding!
Giovanni (Tiefling Blood Hunter/Rogue): Why weren't they here before?
Incubus: *me as the dm stumbles for an explanation* They were on their union-mandated break.
"hello me and me and other me what is going on here"
Check out my homebrew subclasses spells magic items feats monsters races
i am a sauce priest
help create a world here
Tiefling Warlock attempts to seduce demonic copy of the bard player character. She fails Persuasion(CHA).
Rogue: "Ooh! Denied!"
Demonic Bard(DM): "It's not you. It's me."
-later-
Warlock is making the killing strike of Agonizing Blast.
Demonic Bard (as if electrocuted): "Mmaybbe wwe ccann rrevvisitt o-ourr rrellationnshipp?"
DM: ...and he explodes.
(EDIT: In before (nerdy voice):"Well, actually... it's Force damage and not Lightning." I'm repeating what happened, not what's correct.)
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
"I'm a nice DM, I'm trying to help you guys!"
: Systems Online : Nikoli_Goodfellow Homebrew : My WIP Homebrew Class :
(\_/)
( u u)
o/ \🥛🍪 Hey, take care of yourself alright?
STOP EATING CORPSES!
The barbarian in our party would NOT stop eating the corpses of our enemies. He died bc he tried to eat a ghost. He ate swords instead.
I-
I didn't know that devils had worker's unions.
they do their whole thing is being a giant infernal union
Check out my homebrew subclasses spells magic items feats monsters races
i am a sauce priest
help create a world here
So, last session my Cleric got kidnapped after I failed a Save vs Hold Person. Problem was we were RPing downtime instead of being in a dungeon, so the party had split up (and 2 of the players weren't there, so we were down some of our firepower). I get dragged off to somewhere (and kept failing my attack rolls when I tried kicking and/or headbutting my captors). Later 2 of my party (a Monk and Wizard) notice I'm gone and coming looking for me. Needless to say, they were outnumbered and the Monk decided to even the odds by using a Fireball Bead from his Necklace of Fireballs.
So, the Monk breaks down the door to the 1-room shack I'm locked in, promptly gets shot at by 2 crossbow-wielding thugs (he managed to deflect both shots) and tosses the fireball bead into the room, at the far corner.
The hand-crossbow wielding scum are incinerated. The other 2 bounty hunters (a Wizard and a Fighter) are injured and the Monk quips:
"You like that? We've got more of that and more!"
No, it's a law firm with cutthroat employees.
I have a weird sense of humor.
I also make maps.(That's a link)
"I will guiding bolt the chicken”
All hail the great and mighty platypus.
Resisting is simply standing in front of the tide and pushing at it. Even if you endure at first, you will eventually break down. Adapting, by contrast, is turning into a fish.
-me
Rangers are not underpowered. They’re just exploration-oriented.
My homebrew setting: https://www.dndbeyond.com/forums/d-d-beyond-general/story-lore/94809-wakai-a-setting-inspired-by-japanese-folklore-and
This account is kinda old and I haven’t used it in a while