granted you now play a gnome monk called coco.

i wish for a wand of wonder in real life.

But you're not a spell caster, so you can't use it

I wish I was an expert speedrunner at the game Celeste

Sadly, being an expert speed runner doesn't help if the game wasn't produced anywhere, ever. (Clue - that's the twist)

I wish that I didn't have so much homework.

You get more. All of it due tomorrow.

I wish I didn't catch up with Critical Role so I could keep on binge-watching it

Granted, you forget everything about Critical Role, including that it exists, 10 years later you finally find the show again, though all the episodes of the second season onwards have been taken down because D&D Beyond and Critical Role had a falling out, so you only have the first season.

I wish I had the Immovable Rod in real life, that worked exactly like it does in base D&D 5E

however, you accidentally swallow and activate it. oops.

I can eat rancid food, and non-rancid food with no averse affects

Only rancid food actually satiates your hunger, and you didn't lose your sense of smell.

My body processes 100% of my food intake, removing the need to visit the toilet.

But it's in a giant safe made out of the strongest commercially used metal on earth. And the only way to open it is to use a certain magical key. That key happens to be at the bottom of an ocean. Which one? You don't know.

I wish I could go to sleep instantly by snapping with my left hand, then my right hand, then my right hand again, then my left hand, all in less than three seconds

Granted, this becomes your dominant way to go to sleep, so much so that you can't go to sleep any other way.  It is also SUPER annoying to your current/future significant other, not only the snapping, but the jealousy of you being able to go to sleep so fast.  Consequently, you are unable to maintain any relationship for long, but at least you sleep well at night.

I wish that when I was nine years old, I didn't use a gameshark to try to get Celebi in Pokemon Silver and corrupt my entire game.

Your past is drastically altered by this and you end up in a world where you are wanted for genocide. oops.

I can time travel to an alternate past/future and then return to the (completely unchanged) present

You start reading fanfics of your own life, where it is vastly altered and some times you have crossovers. But each time you stop reading you notice how normal your life really is.

I wish for a roll of toilet paper please.

An empty roll.

I wish I had the power of telekinesis. Do what you will with that

you get the power of telekinesis but everything coms with a price, you now take the form of an ostrich.

i wish i'd have all the weapons in the players handbook in real life.

Granted. They are yours to pick up at the nearest local police station at your pleasure. Make sure to bring your license for them, yes? And this proof of ownership:
"These weapons all belong to a person carrying the internet monicker by name of 'Naylorian'. Signed, an internet genie"

I wish the Wheel of Time TV series adaptation will be as good in quality as the Lord of the Rings movies. And that I get casted for a main role in it pretty please

Ok, it will be remade to the quality of the CGI version featuring a cast of mice.

I wish that the American school system would inherit the qualities of the Scandinavian school system, because theirs is objectively more effective.

Granted, but with guns.

I wish to know what happened during the Area 51 raid, nothing makes sense yet

Granted, but now you know too much. A mindflayer taskforce is sent to retrieve your brain before the information can get out.

I wish to have the powers of a doppelganger. 

You become someone else, and become so absorbed in their life that you forget your own, until they turn up again, and you end up with no identity whatsoever.

I wish to be immune to the common cold.

Ok. The common cold now afflicts you permanently. This prevents you from contracting it ever again. 

I wish that I could cast the spell message at will.