But its old and slimy and gross, and it only heals 1 hp

I wish for a BFG 9000

you now have 9000 big friendly giants 

i wish for a manual of potion making 

The manual is written in common, which is not English(Or French or Spanish)

I wish for Orcus do die, same conditions as my previous wishes.

He does. But then all of the others come back to life and kill you.

I wish that Halastbracegirdle would stop asking for Demon lords to die, and the wishes going untwisted.

Granted. He will only ask for their Molydei dying where my party recovers their amulets.

I wish for Demogorgon's Molydeus dying where my party recovers its amulet with the same conditions as my previous wishes.

okay but they get new modlyei

i wish for the above person to never post again 

But that won't happen

I wish to be the first post on every thread on the first page of Forum Games

granted, but after this mini game is over

I wish that this mini game is over

But that won't happen until the minigame is over

I wish Stuff would stop commiting Thread Necromancy

not 3 months so too bad your wish is already true

i wish for a surge of speed 

Quote from stuffattackknightofrandom >>

okay but they get new Modlyei

I wish for the above person to never post again 

 It isn't the Molydei that matter, it's the amulets that let me control the demon lords that do. They're like Horcruxes.

Wish granted. Time slows around you until your lifespan becomes 1 day.

I wish to become a halfling.

Granted. You become half of a long fish.

I wish for a good path of the dragon barbarian to enter UA soon.

Granted. An unpolished, unbalanced, rough draft goes onto the website by mistake.

I wish to transform into a hobbit.

Quote from Ithia_DungeonMaster >>

Granted. An unpolished, unbalanced, rough draft goes onto the website by mistake.

I wish to transform into a hobbit.

 You transform into a hobbit for -1 seconds. So it never happens.

I wish for my threads to become REASONABLY active.

Granted. All your threads are stolen so that they are no longer yours.

How do you join the Cult of Grammar?

I wish for a good path of the dragon barbarian to enter UA soon and be published on the website immediately afterwards.

Quote from Halfastbracegirdle >>

Granted. All your threads are stolen so that they are no longer yours.

How do you join the Cult of Grammar?

I wish for a good path of the dragon barbarian to enter UA soon and be published on the website immediately afterwards.

 Ah, you have made a fine choice in your allegiance. The link is here: https://www.dndbeyond.com/forums/off-topic/adohands-kitchen/71893-cult-of-grammar

It is! But it's so popular that you see no other classes being used.

I wish for the Knights of Ni to surrender, as they are another Monty Python group.

They surrender... Only if you first give them thousands of shrubberies 

I wish for a shiny gold coin

Granted. It is shiny because of the transparent contact poison covering it.

I wish for the wish twisting Marid to make me a pact of the genie warlock.

Granted. You will now serve him in death as a deathlock wight.

I wish to permanently be transformed into a hobbit.