"I'm going to get my boat silvered"

"Kids, don't drink and cast"

A party was about to enter a town that was wary of strangers because reasons.  Guards stop the party at the gates and accuse them of being mercenaries, hired by one of the neighboring city-states.  The cleric in the party protests, saying they are mere travellers looking for a night's rest.

"If you're 'mere travellers', then why are you wearing that chain armor?", challenged the guard.

In a perfectly matter-of-fact deadpan voice, the cleric replied, "Well, sir, it's the easiest way to carry it."

Grave Cleric: "I can heal you...but for this to work well; I'll have to kill you first."

Fighter: "Eh?"

(slits throat)

(Grave Cleric casts "Mass Healing Word")

(Fighter gasps in air as he is revived)

Grave Cleric: "How do you feel?"

Fighter: "...what's that smell?"

Me, a home brew species that can mimic other’s physical attributes. (Including mixing a group of peoples’s)

the lonely Dragonborn Ranger:”Wait, so you can be me, but a girl, and hotter?”

me:”only as hot as saphire? (Our only female in the group)” 

Saphire: *begins stripping* “oh trust me, I can be hot..”

me: *morphs into saphire* “just look at me and ignore the naked version of....... me?”

the 4th person in our group: “this should be fun!” 

the dm: “I swear I did not want this to happen”

saphire and I, now looking at each other to see who is hotter in the same body: “well we did”

"What is the legal drinking age for Orcs?"

"We can turn it into a chicken after we figure out what it is."

"Stop pelting me with severed tentacles! What did I do to you?"

This isn't a quote, but it's hilarious!

Our DM gave us a magic item that allows us to change one letter in the name of a spell. Then he decides what the new spell does. 

Today, our warlock looked for a job to make a little bit of money while we were waiting for something. She found out that a boy had been kidnapped by a mutant hog, and her dad asked her to find the boy. She went looking, but the boy and the hog found her instead. The boy, covered in warpaint, said he had gone feral and wasn't going back to town, then commanded the hog to attack. 

The warlock changed Shatter to Shitter. The pig rocketed through the forest, the boy fell off into the poop, and the pig and the boy were knocked out. We were all laughing uncontrollably.

The boy woke up with a backache and covered in poop, but was otherwise unharmed.

The party was in the tomb of an order of lost knights. They had reached the secret chamber that held the dead knights and were practically done with the adventure, all they had to do was exit the tomb and the tomb's guardian would give them a blessing for getting rid of the goblins that had taken over the place. But the sorceress REALLY wanted to see if any of the knights' ghost were still there and wanted to talk with them. So my players spent the next 30-45 minutes trying random stuff to try to contact some ghosts. I don't remember everything they tried, but a few attempts that stuck out include:

• -Trying to push two giant stone sarcophagi together, TWICE the NPC rolled a nat 1 twice and ended up dislocating his shoulder
• -Trying to intimidate and bribe the nonexistent ghosts with feathers
• -Complimented one of the dead knights' dog and quoted Buzzfeed Unsolved multiple times
• -Grabbing a bunch of magic crystals from the secret tunnel and arranging them on the sarcophagi in many different ways.
• -Trying to ride on a statue of the leader of the knights, who was a centaur
• -Played musical chairs, the floor is lava, and hide and seek with the sarcophagi
• -Learned how to juggle with magic crystals
• -Sacrificed magic crystals, their own blood, and a dead goblin in the offering brazier
• -Rick rolled one of the dead knights
• -The "lawful good" (who is probably more neutral or maybe even evil now) monk suggested sacrificing the NPC. Fortunately, they did not do that.

They only stopped when the NPC passed out and threw up. Turns out all those magic crystals they were messing with could actually drain the energy of necromancers. Then the sorceress shook him awake and screamed in his face asking him if any ghosts spoke to him while he was out.

And right before this happened, the sorceress tried to persuade a statue to move and then screamed "Screw you!" at it when it didn't work..

My Swiftstride Shifter Rouge got caught by another player's Dragonborn Fighter after trying to rob a bank, when the Dragonborn caught her, the DM typed this:

HAHA! Home free-

Wait why is there a shadow there.

Why do your ribs feel like they’re cracking.

Ow.

Quote from medschooldropout >>

The party was in the tomb of an order of lost knights. They had reached the secret chamber that held the dead knights and were practically done with the adventure, all they had to do was exit the tomb and the tomb's guardian would give them a blessing for getting rid of the goblins that had taken over the place. But the sorceress REALLY wanted to see if any of the knights' ghost were still there and wanted to talk with them. So my players spent the next 30-45 minutes trying random stuff to try to contact some ghosts. I don't remember everything they tried, but a few attempts that stuck out include:

• -Trying to push two giant stone sarcophagi together, TWICE the NPC rolled a nat 1 twice and ended up dislocating his shoulder
• -Trying to intimidate and bribe the nonexistent ghosts with feathers
• -Complimented one of the dead knights' dog and quoted Buzzfeed Unsolved multiple times
• -Grabbing a bunch of magic crystals from the secret tunnel and arranging them on the sarcophagi in many different ways.
• -Trying to ride on a statue of the leader of the knights, who was a centaur
• -Played musical chairs, the floor is lava, and hide and seek with the sarcophagi
• -Learned how to juggle with magic crystals
• -Sacrificed magic crystals, their own blood, and a dead goblin in the offering brazier
• -Rick rolled one of the dead knights
• -The "lawful good" (who is probably more neutral or maybe even evil now) monk suggested sacrificing the NPC. Fortunately, they did not do that.

They only stopped when the NPC passed out and threw up. Turns out all those magic crystals they were messing with could actually drain the energy of necromancers. Then the sorceress shook him awake and screamed in his face asking him if any ghosts spoke to him while he was out.

And right before this happened, the sorceress tried to persuade a statue to move and then screamed "Screw you!" at it when it didn't work..

 LOL ... That's hilarious! XD

Carnen looked at the ******* tank, and introduced himself, like usual.

"Pleased to meet you, sir. My name is Carnenham Wiraiz, but you can just call me Carnen. What can you tell me about the case?"

Ignoring the previous comment, the dragonborn looms over... this 'Carnen,' not saying anything for a few seconds more as he considered why he would help a silver-tongued practicer of law like the stranger before him.

Arms crossed, Durroth grunted a reply.

"I saw it run."

The beast paused.

"And I caught it."

Paladin: Runs away from something.

Bard: "Why is he running?"

Ranger: Doesn't matter, when the paladin runs, we run.

That's true. Very true. 

Me: "Fel is very tall. Like, 6'7" tall. You don't know if he-"

My Sister(OOC): "-Is wearing stilts?"

Me: "What? No, if he's wearing boots that might make him appear taller-"

My Sister(OOC): "So we don't know if he's wearing stripper boots?"

Me: "Wha- NO! He's not wearing stripper boots! I meant-"

My Sister(OOC): "So he's not going to lift his robes and reveal long sexy legs with platform heels?

Me: "Wha- I- no! Of course not! The 2,000 year old baelnorn necromancer is not wearing stripper heels!"

My Sister(OOC): "Well technically our characters don't know that he isn't wearing them."

Me: "Wha- I- do you want to ask him that!?"

My Sister(OOC): "Nah, that seems kind of rude."

I couldn't get that image out of my head afterwards, so if anyone wants to see a sketch I made of Fel the stripper-heeled guardnorn, here's the link

Reed (Me): "I don't think you can treat me that way!"

Wizard (Yes that's his name. He has amnesia): "Well then you can't treat me that way!"

Jerry (I honestly forget his name, this was a bit ago): "Listen! You both deserve to be treated like idiots."

While guarding a hut for the owner who is off on an errand and they notice trouble coming:

Changeling Bard (again): "I get behind the turtle and try to push her out in front of me."

Tortle Paladin: "I'm a Tortle, not a turtle!"

Warlock: "We don't care about your weird accent right now, Val, just protect us!"

One of my party members, an elf fighter: "Are you stealing more kids tonight?"

Me, a tiefling rogue named Krampus leaving in the middle of the night with a sack: "Uh...(looks at the party nervously)"

The party:(Looks at the paladin)

The paladin: "... If they're evil..."

Ebrithril, high elf fighter: charges in, jumping at a giant orc, brandishing a longsword, yelling: "THIS IS SPARTA!"

Me, DM: "Make an attack roll with advantage."

Ebrithril: rolls two 8s on the d20s, with a +4 mod, giving a total of 12

Me: "The orc has AC13, you got 12, you missed. Your longsword hits the wall behind the orc. Make a dex save."

Ebrithril: Rolls nat 1

Me: "You slide down the wall, and bash your head on the ground. 1 bludgeoning damage."

Reminds me (from a stream):

Player 3: Are you kidnapping people at night again?

Player 2: It's not me this time!

Player 5: She's kidnapping them during the day now.