This probably is a pretty common quote but it was still pretty funny:
Me (DM) running an encounter I tuned to be a bit hard. My players at at level 2.
Me: "And the ale-emental will froth and... Valphi and Kirril please make a WIS saving throw? Fail? Okay, lets see how much damage... One sec, i need to get more dice."
Players: "WHAT?!?"
~~A few rounds later~~
Wild Magic Sorcerer Wild Magic Surged, reads homebrew surge table: 4d8 fire damage (misread as a circular Area of Effect centered on self)
Me: "Uh. I uh... have to get more dice again."
Players: "WHAT?!?!?!"
----------------------------------
Here's one from a few sessions back, the party's gnome rogue put on a disguise to try and get some more money via fixing bets. The player is acting all confident and cocksure, introduces himself to the bookie.
Kirril, the Gnome Rogue: "Yes, if you team up with me, I can make sure we'll both come out here with more money *wink wink*"
Bookie: "Hm... we'll see after this match. Whats yer name?"
Kirril, the Gnome Rogue: "Gnomeo" ((Rhymes with Romeo))
Bookie, writing down the name: "Is that spelled with an i or an e?"
Level 1 cleric tried several times to cast sacred flame, but the opponents kept passing their dex saves.
Cleric: I'm determined to make sacred flame work! [casts against opponent who had disadvantage on dexterity saves]
DM: Hits, roll for damage.
Cleric: He takes [rolls] [sighs heavily] one point of radiant damage.
Opponent to cleric: I'm not a magic user. Are you?
Cleric: I'm starting to wonder.
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=========================== Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
Current D&D Characters: Kromen Flintfist, Hill Dwarf Order of the Scribes Wizard/Armorer Artificer Eiphrok, Half-Orc Oath of Glory Paladin/Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer
I play a ranger in our online campaign and then the other character in question is a Paladin, then the third person is a Druid. In one of our first sessions we raided some bandits and I found some daggers.
ranger: *hands daggers to Paladin* you can have these
Paladin: thanks
ranger: this is flirty right? Am I doing this right?
these two would later get together after a drunken night in a tavern.
funny joke. Haha. Fast forward four months and half of the players decide we’re going to meet face to face and go camping for a few days. The Druid’s player shows up with a hand crafted dagger to give each of us. Wow, so cool so funny! Inside jokes!
and then he confessed to me, so like we’re tryin got date now I guess because I accepted daggers.
Level 1 cleric tried several times to cast sacred flame, but the opponents kept passing their dex saves.
Cleric: I'm determined to make sacred flame work! [casts against opponent who had disadvantage on dexterity saves]
DM: Hits, roll for damage.
Cleric: He takes [rolls] [sighs heavily] one point of radiant damage.
In my current game the first three times my cleric cast sacred flame I rolled for a total of five damage, and the first one was a three. Luckily, Serena tends to roll higher on healing rolls. And one session I rolled a total of six on 4d6 (1,1,3,1) for a guiding bolt against a giant snake, then later rolled twenty one for the same (6,5,4,6) against a low level bandit, which the DM declared was instantly vaporized.
Level 1 cleric tried several times to cast sacred flame, but the opponents kept passing their dex saves.
Cleric: I'm determined to make sacred flame work! [casts against opponent who had disadvantage on dexterity saves]
DM: Hits, roll for damage.
Cleric: He takes [rolls] [sighs heavily] one point of radiant damage.
In my current game the first three times my cleric cast sacred flame I rolled for a total of five damage, and the first one was a three. Luckily, Serena tends to roll higher on healing rolls. And one session I rolled a total of six on 4d6 (1,1,3,1) for a guiding bolt against a giant snake, then later rolled twenty one for the same (6,5,4,6) against a low level bandit, which the DM declared was instantly vaporized.
Level 1 cleric tried several times to cast sacred flame, but the opponents kept passing their dex saves.
Cleric: I'm determined to make sacred flame work! [casts against opponent who had disadvantage on dexterity saves]
DM: Hits, roll for damage.
Cleric: He takes [rolls] [sighs heavily] one point of radiant damage.
In my current game the first three times my cleric cast sacred flame I rolled for a total of five damage, and the first one was a three. Luckily, Serena tends to roll higher on healing rolls. And one session I rolled a total of six on 4d6 (1,1,3,1) for a guiding bolt against a giant snake, then later rolled twenty one for the same (6,5,4,6) against a low level bandit, which the DM declared was instantly vaporized.
Our cleric is also good at healing rolls, twice rolling the maximum for healing word on allies who were knocked unconscious (which used all of his spell slots). But he always seemed too far away for melee, and so would cast sacred flame. He must have tried four or five times with one hit point total damage.
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=========================== Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
Current D&D Characters: Kromen Flintfist, Hill Dwarf Order of the Scribes Wizard/Armorer Artificer Eiphrok, Half-Orc Oath of Glory Paladin/Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer
Player: "So, can we waterboard a skeleton? No, I mean like a sentient skeleton, 'cause otherwise that's just stupid. It's not like a war crime if they're undead right?"
DM: "Well, you're not in a war, so it would just be a crime."
Player: "But they're undead."
DM: "But you said sentient."
Player: "So, lawful, but not really good..."
DM: "This one has citizenship. Remember [name of setting's undead race] have legal status in this country."
"I have no idea what I'm doing...but I know I'm doing it really, really, well- *BURP*"- Way of the Drunken Master
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The Tavern Mother (Trust me, it's not as weird as it sounds!)
I am the God-Queen of Trickery, Cunning, Lies, and Gaslighting- but you already knew that... "Moon's Haunted." *Cocks shotgun with malicious intent* "Eliksni must rise...yes?" _________ When it comes to pronouns I preferVariks-Senpai(But I'm a dude. Pronouns are weird.)
Party of Ferrin (half elf wizard), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Venn (tiefling sorcerer), and Xanlar (half elf paladin). Also with the party are two NPCs, Phillip (human ranger) and the shifty kobold that we still haven't actually figured out what his name is after ten sessions.
Party is fighting "Mr Tickles," a huge kelp monster with slimy seaweed tentacles summoned by a gang of thugs on a wharfside street.
Serena: I told you trying to rob me over four copper was stupid! *Brains the gang leader with her mace*
Serena uses her Radiant Soul racial feature for the first time, glowing brightly and sprouting angelic wings made of light. She flies around Mr Tickles to flank with Xanlar.
DM: You can't move there or you'll fall off the wharf into the water.
Serena [OOC]: I'm flying.
Ferrin[OOC]: Yeah, she's finally gone full magical girl!
The weird fish merchant from the previous session.
Fishmonger: Fresh clams! These ones tell jokes!
Venn's player missed the previous session and his absence was explained for most of the session as the kobold having rufeed his drink, resulting in him being poisoned and appearing really drunk and passed out for most of the session (eventually Serena noticed and healed him). Upon learning this Venn's player decided to gust the kobold off the wharf and was, in character, muttering various threats. As the party ducks back into the Creepy Uncle tavern Serena convinces the kobold he should apologize for his practical joke.
Kobold: Um, Serena says I should apologize, so I'm sorry you're a goat. Not sorry about your face though. Maybe other goats think you're pretty.
Later in same scene, after the kobold is suspiciously silent for a while and we begin asking if the DM is having connection issues (online game).
DM: Oh, my precious RP! I've been on mute for like five minutes! Just sitting here talking to myself, apparently!
Ferrin is shopping for spell components.
Ferrin: Do you have any magic herbs?
Merchant: What do you mean, "magic?" Like drugs? You shouldn't do drugs, young man.
Ferrin is buying poison that we plan to use on the water supply of an enemy held fort.
Herbalist: I also tossed in a little something extra in the bag since you made such a big purchase. It's a hallucinogen, really good stuff.
Halfling swashbuckler with Chef feat, facing down a manticore one on one: ***I*** decide who is food!
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Active characters:
Carric Aquissar, elven wannabe artist in his deconstructionist period (Archfey warlock) Lan Kidogo, mapach archaeologist and treasure hunter (Knowledge cleric) Mardan Ferres, elven private investigator obsessed with that one unsolved murder (Assassin rogue) Xhekhetiel, halfling survivor of a Betrayer Gods cult (Runechild sorcerer/fighter)
Halfling swashbuckler with Chef feat, facing down a manticore one on one: ***I*** decide who is food!
There is a comic strip where a violent, excessively carnivorous Lizardperson got his arms eaten by a monster whose touch would rot flesh. He died from rot after killing the monster by ripping out its throat with his teeth. "I'm the one who does the eating."
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Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
“Hello fellow medium-sized humanoids! We am Joe, Bo and- Ow! We are Joebolo. That’s what I meant.”
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The Circle of Hedgehogs Druid Beholder/Animated Armor Level -20 Bardof the OIADSB Cult, here are our rules.Sig.Also a sauce council member, but it's been dead for a while.
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This probably is a pretty common quote but it was still pretty funny:
Me (DM) running an encounter I tuned to be a bit hard. My players at at level 2.
Me: "And the ale-emental will froth and... Valphi and Kirril please make a WIS saving throw? Fail? Okay, lets see how much damage... One sec, i need to get more dice."
Players: "WHAT?!?"
~~A few rounds later~~
Wild Magic Sorcerer Wild Magic Surged, reads homebrew surge table: 4d8 fire damage (misread as a circular Area of Effect centered on self)
Me: "Uh. I uh... have to get more dice again."
Players: "WHAT?!?!?!"
----------------------------------
Here's one from a few sessions back, the party's gnome rogue put on a disguise to try and get some more money via fixing bets. The player is acting all confident and cocksure, introduces himself to the bookie.
Kirril, the Gnome Rogue: "Yes, if you team up with me, I can make sure we'll both come out here with more money *wink wink*"
Bookie: "Hm... we'll see after this match. Whats yer name?"
Kirril, the Gnome Rogue: "Gnomeo" ((Rhymes with Romeo))
Bookie, writing down the name: "Is that spelled with an i or an e?"
Kirril, the Gnome Rogue: "uh... uh... uhhhhh"
rest of party dissolves into laughter
[I do art]
Icon by BRBeeps
Level 1 cleric tried several times to cast sacred flame, but the opponents kept passing their dex saves.
Cleric: I'm determined to make sacred flame work! [casts against opponent who had disadvantage on dexterity saves]
DM: Hits, roll for damage.
Cleric: He takes [rolls] [sighs heavily] one point of radiant damage.
Opponent to cleric: I'm not a magic user. Are you?
Cleric: I'm starting to wonder.
===========================
Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
Current D&D Characters:
Kromen Flintfist, Hill Dwarf Order of the Scribes Wizard/Armorer Artificer
Eiphrok, Half-Orc Oath of Glory Paladin/Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer
I play a ranger in our online campaign and then the other character in question is a Paladin, then the third person is a Druid. In one of our first sessions we raided some bandits and I found some daggers.
ranger: *hands daggers to Paladin* you can have these
Paladin: thanks
ranger: this is flirty right? Am I doing this right?
these two would later get together after a drunken night in a tavern.
funny joke. Haha. Fast forward four months and half of the players decide we’re going to meet face to face and go camping for a few days. The Druid’s player shows up with a hand crafted dagger to give each of us. Wow, so cool so funny! Inside jokes!
and then he confessed to me, so like we’re tryin got date now I guess because I accepted daggers.
Current Characters:
Inara, Changeling, Level 3 Ranger/Gloomstalker
Oraine Bramblebrand, Level 5 Monk/Way of Ascendant Dragon
In my current game the first three times my cleric cast sacred flame I rolled for a total of five damage, and the first one was a three. Luckily, Serena tends to roll higher on healing rolls. And one session I rolled a total of six on 4d6 (1,1,3,1) for a guiding bolt against a giant snake, then later rolled twenty one for the same (6,5,4,6) against a low level bandit, which the DM declared was instantly vaporized.
Don't you just love how that works?
Looking for a campaign? Or, perhaps, trying to start one? Come join Rolegate! Just send me a friend request (same name as here) and I'll help you get started!
Ducks are just geese lite. Focus on the future. It'll become the past soon enough.
Istari and White Counsel in Club. Not the wish-granter of a thread.
Become a Plague Doctor today!
Join the Knights of the Random Table and Calius and Kothar Industries!
Homebrew: Artifact, Dungeon
May be offline due to school
Yes, once, it was the the toe of an ancient green dragon sleeping in the snow
Everything is true, but not all is canon.
Everything is canon, but not all is true.
A quote from both of my campaigns, current and previous.
Me (bard): ”WHY DONT YOU WANT ME TO SNAP THE TALKING FEMUR?”
Our Sorcerer: “Because he’s really funny!”
Me (bard):”BUT HES ADVERTISING A CULT!”
Sorcerer: ”Still!”
another, from that same campaign:
Tabaxi Druid: “HAHA!!! DORA IS DEAD!!” (after our party kills what is basically a god)
another another from that campaign:
Ranger: “Shut up, I’m going to name my rat glow stick. I don’t care if he’s holy, his name is glowstick.”
from my current campaign:
Me, a paladin, talking to one of our rogues: Stop trying to marry every vaguely attractive person you see.
Rogue: But why thoughhhh
Me: You’re 17.
Our cleric is also good at healing rolls, twice rolling the maximum for healing word on allies who were knocked unconscious (which used all of his spell slots). But he always seemed too far away for melee, and so would cast sacred flame. He must have tried four or five times with one hit point total damage.
===========================
Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
Current D&D Characters:
Kromen Flintfist, Hill Dwarf Order of the Scribes Wizard/Armorer Artificer
Eiphrok, Half-Orc Oath of Glory Paladin/Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer
Player: "So, can we waterboard a skeleton? No, I mean like a sentient skeleton, 'cause otherwise that's just stupid. It's not like a war crime if they're undead right?"
DM: "Well, you're not in a war, so it would just be a crime."
Player: "But they're undead."
DM: "But you said sentient."
Player: "So, lawful, but not really good..."
DM: "This one has citizenship. Remember [name of setting's undead race] have legal status in this country."
DM: “This pair of wine glasses contain two very different blends. One of them is…”
Player: (before DM finishes) “I drink both the wine glasses.”
DM: (gawking) “Um…before the nobleman can finish; you snatch the two glasses and chug them down.”
Player: “What happens?”
DM: “Well…one of them was poison…”
Player: “You said they were WINE glasses!”
DM: “The glasses; not the liquid!”
Player: “So…am I dying?”
DM: (rubbing the bridge of their nose) “…the other one had the antidote, so…no, you’re actually fine.”
Player: “Well, that was easy!”
DM: (in nobleman’s voice) “Well, aren’t we thirsty?”
(claps hands)
DM: “Servants! More wine for our guests!”
The Party: “We’re good, thanks.”
(cue the sudden improvisation on how we convince the group to participate in this battle of wits over the poisoned wine)
"IS BAPHOMET GOING TO SNITCH? THERE'S ONLY ONE VOICE ALLOWED IN YOUR HEAD!"
Hombrew: Way of Wresting, Circle of Sacrifice
"As a cat, I light one of my alcohol bombs."
i can roll nat 1s on command
my homebrew thingies
Magic Items - Monsters - Subclasses
"I have no idea what I'm doing...but I know I'm doing it really, really, well- *BURP*"- Way of the Drunken Master
The Tavern Mother (Trust me, it's not as weird as it sounds!)
I am the God-Queen of Trickery, Cunning, Lies, and Gaslighting- but you already knew that...
"Moon's Haunted." *Cocks shotgun with malicious intent*
"Eliksni must rise...yes?"
_________
When it comes to pronouns I prefer Variks-Senpai (But I'm a dude. Pronouns are weird.)
That's not how you kill a familiar, this is how you kill a familiar ;)
Party of Ferrin (half elf wizard), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Venn (tiefling sorcerer), and Xanlar (half elf paladin). Also with the party are two NPCs, Phillip (human ranger) and the shifty kobold that we still haven't actually figured out what his name is after ten sessions.
Party is fighting "Mr Tickles," a huge kelp monster with slimy seaweed tentacles summoned by a gang of thugs on a wharfside street.
Serena: I told you trying to rob me over four copper was stupid! *Brains the gang leader with her mace*
Serena uses her Radiant Soul racial feature for the first time, glowing brightly and sprouting angelic wings made of light. She flies around Mr Tickles to flank with Xanlar.
DM: You can't move there or you'll fall off the wharf into the water.
Serena [OOC]: I'm flying.
Ferrin[OOC]: Yeah, she's finally gone full magical girl!
The weird fish merchant from the previous session.
Fishmonger: Fresh clams! These ones tell jokes!
Venn's player missed the previous session and his absence was explained for most of the session as the kobold having rufeed his drink, resulting in him being poisoned and appearing really drunk and passed out for most of the session (eventually Serena noticed and healed him). Upon learning this Venn's player decided to gust the kobold off the wharf and was, in character, muttering various threats. As the party ducks back into the Creepy Uncle tavern Serena convinces the kobold he should apologize for his practical joke.
Kobold: Um, Serena says I should apologize, so I'm sorry you're a goat. Not sorry about your face though. Maybe other goats think you're pretty.
Later in same scene, after the kobold is suspiciously silent for a while and we begin asking if the DM is having connection issues (online game).
DM: Oh, my precious RP! I've been on mute for like five minutes! Just sitting here talking to myself, apparently!
Ferrin is shopping for spell components.
Ferrin: Do you have any magic herbs?
Merchant: What do you mean, "magic?" Like drugs? You shouldn't do drugs, young man.
Ferrin is buying poison that we plan to use on the water supply of an enemy held fort.
Herbalist: I also tossed in a little something extra in the bag since you made such a big purchase. It's a hallucinogen, really good stuff.
Ferrin: Why does everybody think I do drugs?
DM: It explodes-
Wizard Player: No, it VIOLENTLY COMBUSTS!!!
Wizard Player: It sounds better to say VIOLENTLY COMBUSTS then ‘explodes’
Monk Player: Nice tip.
Wizard Player, for no reason: VIOLENTLY COMBUSTS!
RIP Tavern.
All hail King Jovan Fluffycloud Prince
Teleporting elf monk supremacy!, but druids are better
[Cactus]Waffles!”I don’t have any good quotes to put in my sig.” -Me
“She’s a meta-hag!”
RIP Tavern.
All hail King Jovan Fluffycloud Prince
Teleporting elf monk supremacy!, but druids are better
[Cactus]Waffles!”I don’t have any good quotes to put in my sig.” -Me
Halfling swashbuckler with Chef feat, facing down a manticore one on one: ***I*** decide who is food!
Active characters:
Carric Aquissar, elven wannabe artist in his deconstructionist period (Archfey warlock)
Lan Kidogo, mapach archaeologist and treasure hunter (Knowledge cleric)
Mardan Ferres, elven private investigator obsessed with that one unsolved murder (Assassin rogue)
Xhekhetiel, halfling survivor of a Betrayer Gods cult (Runechild sorcerer/fighter)
There is a comic strip where a violent, excessively carnivorous Lizardperson got his arms eaten by a monster whose touch would rot flesh. He died from rot after killing the monster by ripping out its throat with his teeth. "I'm the one who does the eating."
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
“Hello fellow medium-sized humanoids! We am Joe, Bo and- Ow! We are Joebolo. That’s what I meant.”
The Circle of Hedgehogs Druid Beholder/Animated Armor Level -20 Bard of the OIADSB Cult, here are our rules. Sig. Also a sauce council member, but it's been dead for a while.