That's it. That's the forum post.

I don't know what's going on with me, but I've been increasingly irritable, churlish, impish, and just outright *****y these past few days. And it's getting me in hot water.

The reason I post this here, of all places . . . is because it has to do with D&D.

So recently I received a permanent ban on r/dndnext for spam posting too many bait posts in an attempt to farm down votes & paint the subreddit in a bad light. I've made some very derrogatory comments on other forum threads on this site, and I've directly attacked people for no reason other than (at the time) me thinking they were too childish to properly solve their problems. I've messaged one of the mods here asking to permanently ban me because of a forum post I made that libeled against the subreddit.

And the reason for all of this is pathetic: I felt tired of being told I was wrong, so I acted out.

Even as I type this, I'm getting the instinct to act out, to lash out, to blame the site or the moderators or something, except myself. I hate this. I hate acting like a stupid kid. I hate acting like some Twitter degen who can't read a simple paragraph of text. 

I don't know if I need help, or if I'll somehow miraculously get better as time goes by from self reflection and contemplation.

But it's scaring me. And right now I'm just tired.

I'm tired.

**** me.

Even now I'm being a stupid ass because I broke Rule 5.

I would suggest talking to a professional. It can help

Shit happens.

For me, my friends are my rock, so I turn to them if I am feeling down and depressed. If there is anyone you are close to, turn to them for help. Talking it out with someone close to you is not always going to solve the problem nor make things better, but having someone who listens to you does help to make whatever pain you are going through a bit more bearable.

I would avoid the internet until you are feeling a bit better. That being said, when I was feeling a bit better from depression, I did pour my heart out in another online community, and having internet strangers' feedback helped too. I also write things down in a private journal when I wanted to be alone but also needed to express myself. I also star gaze and do joy rides by myself to help me reflect and think things through. I absolutely ******* hate working out, as my brain just marinates in negativtiy the whole time, but it does help me channel my frustration and unhappiness towards something, and I do feel a bit better about myself once I am outside the gym.

If you want to take your mind off of things, for me, I find sleeping, dancing, horror movies, and listening to other people's problems to be the most effective. If I am asleep, I do not think nor feel, but I try not to do that too much since I feel a bit guilty afterwards for being unproductive. I take dance classes every Monday, and as a lead, you have to dance to the music, think three steps ahead, avoid bumping into anyone, try not to step on your partner's feet, talk to your partner, etc., and with so much going on with just the dance itself, I cannot really think about anything else (or at least until the music stops). I love horror movies for the jump scares, since I cannot really think about anything else with all that adrenaline pumping. If my friends are also having issues, I find listening to their problems and supporting them helps me take my mind off of my own problems; if I am worrying about somebody else, I am not worrying about myself.

I hope you can make it through whatever you are going through.

Yeah, I'd second the avoiding the internet thing as well, even this forum. Most people are fine (or even great), but there are a few that will try to ruin your day, and it only takes one.

That said, here are three generalised suggestions that really help me and I'm convinced will help you (which is not to say that they're a cure, only that you should be in a better place for having done them):

1. Do something creative. It should be something that has varying levels of commitment so that when you're lacking in motivation, you just mindlessly do stuff, while when you're doing better, you can lose yourself in your focus in it. You should also get a sense of progress from. For example, I 3D print and paint minis for D&D. If I lack motivation, priming minis, finding STLs, printing them, finding new techniques on YouTube and organising my stuff takes little effort, while I can have complex projects that demand my attention for when I have more energy. The result is that I have over 200 minis now, that I can look at and remind myself that I am capable, that I can stick to things and do good work. That has helped my own self esteem and focus on positive rather than negative things.
2. Physical exercise. As much as I don't feel enthused about it, never underestimate what daily physical exercise can do for your mental health. Do whatever your comfortable with - even an open ended walk that finishes once you feel you don't want to go any further - whether that's 10 minutes or 5 hours. It'll help.
3. Serve other people. Obviously, you have to be careful who you're working with, and it's ideal if you have a range of possibilities that varies on how much contact you have. When you're at you're worst, isolated service is better, perhaps doing gardening, dropping off deserts, things likes that. When you're doing better, then more social stuff might be in order. Go visit the isolated elderly, have a chat with those you're dropping off the baked goodies, and so forth.

These will help. They're not a cure. It sounds like you're in deep, and so while they may help...they're no substitute for professional help. You may or may not get the impression that you don't need the help.becausenthey make you feel better, but good mental health comes from understanding how to maintain it...and these don't teach that. They just help manage the symptoms. A professional can help you on a more permanent basis.

Quote from bobberuchi >>

I would suggest talking to a professional. It can help

 

 
This👆, talking to a councilor on a regular basis helps me a lot.

Honestly seeking help from a professional like a counsellor is gamechanging. If you are doing things and don't understand why it can be amazing to talk to someone to help sound out why. It will probably help you a lot. It did me when I was struggling. 

We all go through dark times and we have all done things we regret. Take the time to try and work out why, in whatever way it works for you to do that. Whether thats counselling, talking with friends, quiet introversion, whatever works for you. 

But I do really recommend getting someone who specialises in mental health to help you with this.