"You have the high CHArisma! Sex her up or something!" "I'm not sexxing up a talking shambling mound!"
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Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
This is an assortment of Quotes from multiple campains
(From bard to a bounty hunter "boss" we were fighting, he was a tiefling she was an angel) "Hey love, if you are an angel, and I'm a devil... what say you and I make some blasphemy together?"
(for reference, party has a Druid, circle of wildfire kobold, Tiefling Bard, Vedalkan Wizard, Human Fighter who is a foreigner)
Kobold: (ooc)" Im going to wake up, face the sun as it rises, get on my knees and crocodile/gator laser at it" (look up baby crocodiles sound like galaga for reference) Me (dm): "Ok you do so, roll performance" Kobold: *Nat 20* "Lets gooooo" Me: "alright.. you wake everyone up with your Gator lasers, and you do a fantastic job as you feel the warmth of the sun embrace you" Kobold:"mhm mhm mhm, yes i did my job to the big fire" Fighter:"Um Mr. Vega... what are you doing? Kobold: "I must praise the big fire, else it will get the big mad"
*Que 30 minute intervention as we all do our best to not die of laughter*
Kobold:I wake up from my sleep in the tavern, turn to my window which i made sure faces the sun and i do my morning ritual Me: performace check Kobold:15 Fighter: I want to sneakily try and peer in on this entire ritual by slowly opening the door Me: Roll stealth and slight of hand Fighter: ooo... Nat 1 stealth 18 slight of hand Me: So.. Vega as you begin your ritual it is going good but you suddenly feel a pair of eyes on you and you hear the sound of a sword clanking to the floor at your door, *to fighter* You open the door slowly and carefully but you rushed a bit this morning in equipping yourself, your katana falls to the floor making a loud clang Kobold: I stop my ritual, turn to the intruder and just stare at him deadpan *30 seconds later* Kobold: i will then cross my eyes Fighter: "WHAT JUST.. WHY.. WHY DO YOU DO THIS" Kobold: I lick my eyeball in response Fighter: "B..but what.. why just... why even.. that was so uncalled for"
"I rolled a 1 for the 'initiative'. That means I go first. Right?"
"Oh. It's a zero. I do no damage." "Um. On that die, it's a ten." "But it shows zero." "Do you want to do ten damage or not?"
EDIT: (house rule of fumbles/crits on saves and checks, players having a run of bad rolls) P1: "I rolled a one." P2: "I also rolled a one." DM: "You have inspiration." (house rule of inspiration can be used AFTER a roll) P1: "Oh. Right. ... I rolled a one again!" P2: "I rolled an eleven." P3: "TWO ONES!"
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
"I take last watch." . .. ... ..."Before the rest of the party wakes up, I sneakyhands the ettin penis into the sorcerer's bedroll (while he's in it)."
Goddamn right it was. That sorcerer had it coming. Fortunately for him, the ettin penis was not. Coming, that was. I believe the exchange continued as follows, when said sorcerer woke up after I hit my roll.
"...you cockbite." *points to the aforementioned appendage* "I'm the cockbite?"
Party: gestures to Quasit "Hmm? Why do you want him to be alive?" Druid: "...I think he's cute."
Druid later in the session asking the Bard if we have any extra room in the bag of holding: "Well, let me know, cause I got something I wanna stash, too."
Party as we're wrapping the session up for the evening: "So are you actually talking the Quasit body with you?" Druid: "I am 100% taking it with me."
I am the party druid 🙂, and about 5 sessions later we left a major city after a long arduous heist and I forgot the quasit corpse in our room of the inn...
The Paladin Warlock in the campaign I DM: "If there's anything we can do right, it's screwing up in the name of doing something good!"
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Maximilian "Mad Max" Oceanus, transmutation wizard, best known for being on the team that saved the universe from Kozelak's infinite hunger, and also an avenger of the Unspoken. Olaf Ericsson, a jolly ranger with a bit of an anger problem. Also likes to sing. Yaethel Akeelan, a druid with a plan; a very, very big plan. Damien Rook, full time author, part time adventurer. Plays god on Saturdays.
"So let me get this straight. You have eight armed goons in this room with you, one of whom is lying on the ground clutching his bleeding stump of an arm and screaming while the others look on in abject horror...and your plan is to conjure an illusion of a half-naked big titty woman because you think *that's* what's going to distract them right now?"
On this one twitch game I saw on wednesday. This one char playing an artificer was pretty funny.
i think it’s around 2:49:30. It starts with him trying to change out of his city watch uniform and into fine clothes for some reason. And continues to the end of the session.
My sweet summer child of a dragonborn warlock the other night: "Prostitutes? What are those?"
Also in that same session: "Top secret? Does this mean there are bottom secrets?" *then proceeds to ask every NPC about the top secrets and bottom secrets*
(from a stream) *after a (mostly Good - or just merely Good-intentioned) party managed to incorporate (under a level of duress) a no-name, meant-to-be-inconsequential NPC into their party*
Player 1: "So what's your name since we're going to be spending some time together? I'm sure it's a long and interesting name with lots of syllables." DM: "..." Player 3: "You look like a Christopher." Player 2: "I'm thinking he's more of an Englebert." Player 1: "Christopher Englebert?" Player 5: "XVII." Player 3: "Let me try to guess. Is your name Christopher Englebert, XVII?" DM: "... That's uncanny, ser. That is, in fact, my name." Player 3: "...and they said I can't do magic. Cold read, everyone."
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Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Let me explain. Chaotic Evil Rogue just got done knocking a ballista off a wall while Link(from Ocarina of Time) was trying to explain why we killed a bunch of Lycans. And after accidentally killing two of the people Link was talking to, I had my character make Link's persuasion attempts null and void.
"You have the high CHArisma! Sex her up or something!"
"I'm not sexxing up a talking shambling mound!"
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
This is an assortment of Quotes from multiple campains
(From bard to a bounty hunter "boss" we were fighting, he was a tiefling she was an angel)
"Hey love, if you are an angel, and I'm a devil... what say you and I make some blasphemy together?"
(for reference, party has a Druid, circle of wildfire kobold, Tiefling Bard, Vedalkan Wizard, Human Fighter who is a foreigner)
Kobold: (ooc)" Im going to wake up, face the sun as it rises, get on my knees and crocodile/gator laser at it" (look up baby crocodiles sound like galaga for reference)
Me (dm): "Ok you do so, roll performance"
Kobold: *Nat 20* "Lets gooooo"
Me: "alright.. you wake everyone up with your Gator lasers, and you do a fantastic job as you feel the warmth of the sun embrace you"
Kobold:"mhm mhm mhm, yes i did my job to the big fire"
Fighter:"Um Mr. Vega... what are you doing?
Kobold: "I must praise the big fire, else it will get the big mad"
*Que 30 minute intervention as we all do our best to not die of laughter*
Kobold:I wake up from my sleep in the tavern, turn to my window which i made sure faces the sun and i do my morning ritual
Me: performace check
Kobold:15
Fighter: I want to sneakily try and peer in on this entire ritual by slowly opening the door
Me: Roll stealth and slight of hand
Fighter: ooo... Nat 1 stealth 18 slight of hand
Me: So.. Vega as you begin your ritual it is going good but you suddenly feel a pair of eyes on you and you hear the sound of a sword clanking to the floor at your door, *to fighter* You open the door slowly and carefully but you rushed a bit this morning in equipping yourself, your katana falls to the floor making a loud clang
Kobold: I stop my ritual, turn to the intruder and just stare at him deadpan
*30 seconds later*
Kobold: i will then cross my eyes
Fighter: "WHAT JUST.. WHY.. WHY DO YOU DO THIS"
Kobold: I lick my eyeball in response
Fighter: "B..but what.. why just... why even.. that was so uncalled for"
This, just, this
Please check out my homebrew, I would appreciate feedback:
Spells, Monsters, Subclasses, Races, Arcknight Class, Occultist Class, World, Enigmatic Esoterica forms
"I rolled a 1 for the 'initiative'. That means I go first. Right?"
"Oh. It's a zero. I do no damage."
"Um. On that die, it's a ten."
"But it shows zero."
"Do you want to do ten damage or not?"
EDIT: (house rule of fumbles/crits on saves and checks, players having a run of bad rolls)
P1: "I rolled a one."
P2: "I also rolled a one."
DM: "You have inspiration." (house rule of inspiration can be used AFTER a roll)
P1: "Oh. Right. ... I rolled a one again!"
P2: "I rolled an eleven."
P3: "TWO ONES!"
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
"I take last watch."
.
..
...
..."Before the rest of the party wakes up, I sneakyhands the ettin penis into the sorcerer's bedroll (while he's in it)."
Please do not contact or message me.
Be honest Yurei, that was your character wasn't it?
Goddamn right it was. That sorcerer had it coming. Fortunately for him, the ettin penis was not. Coming, that was. I believe the exchange continued as follows, when said sorcerer woke up after I hit my roll.
"...you cockbite."
*points to the aforementioned appendage* "I'm the cockbite?"
Please do not contact or message me.
Party: gestures to Quasit "Hmm? Why do you want him to be alive?"
Druid: "...I think he's cute."
Druid later in the session asking the Bard if we have any extra room in the bag of holding: "Well, let me know, cause I got something I wanna stash, too."
Party as we're wrapping the session up for the evening: "So are you actually talking the Quasit body with you?"
Druid: "I am 100% taking it with me."
I am the party druid 🙂, and about 5 sessions later we left a major city after a long arduous heist and I forgot the quasit corpse in our room of the inn...
Check out my latest homebrew: Mystic Knight (Fighter) v1.31
The Paladin Warlock in the campaign I DM:
"If there's anything we can do right, it's screwing up in the name of doing something good!"
Maximilian "Mad Max" Oceanus, transmutation wizard, best known for being on the team that saved the universe from Kozelak's infinite hunger, and also an avenger of the Unspoken.
Olaf Ericsson, a jolly ranger with a bit of an anger problem. Also likes to sing.
Yaethel Akeelan, a druid with a plan; a very, very big plan.
Damien Rook, full time author, part time adventurer.
Plays god on Saturdays.
The Wood Elf Sorcerer:
"I reach into my pack and grab a bunny, then I throw it!"
The rest of the party when the Warlock gets that look in his eyes:
"Keep those tentacles to yourself this time."
"Doctor! Fire attacks don't work on Water tyyyyypppes!"
Hombrew: Way of Wresting, Circle of Sacrifice
Me: I crash through the window, do a flip, and land amidst the rust monsters ready for battle
Me again:*trips and breaks ankle*
Me, as DM:
"So let me get this straight. You have eight armed goons in this room with you, one of whom is lying on the ground clutching his bleeding stump of an arm and screaming while the others look on in abject horror...and your plan is to conjure an illusion of a half-naked big titty woman because you think *that's* what's going to distract them right now?"
On this one twitch game I saw on wednesday. This one char playing an artificer was pretty funny.
i think it’s around 2:49:30. It starts with him trying to change out of his city watch uniform and into fine clothes for some reason. And continues to the end of the session.
https://www.twitch.tv/videos/551090300
Blank
Any player in one of my games when they find a monster:
"Come on, we can take it!"
Hilarious.
Please check out my homebrew, I would appreciate feedback:
Spells, Monsters, Subclasses, Races, Arcknight Class, Occultist Class, World, Enigmatic Esoterica forms
Ranger failed his animal handling check to tend to the horses (natural 1), I as a DM told him: You just got friendzoned by the horses
My sweet summer child of a dragonborn warlock the other night: "Prostitutes? What are those?"
Also in that same session: "Top secret? Does this mean there are bottom secrets?" *then proceeds to ask every NPC about the top secrets and bottom secrets*
(from a stream) *after a (mostly Good - or just merely Good-intentioned) party managed to incorporate (under a level of duress) a no-name, meant-to-be-inconsequential NPC into their party*
Player 1: "So what's your name since we're going to be spending some time together? I'm sure it's a long and interesting name with lots of syllables."
DM: "..."
Player 3: "You look like a Christopher."
Player 2: "I'm thinking he's more of an Englebert."
Player 1: "Christopher Englebert?"
Player 5: "XVII."
Player 3: "Let me try to guess. Is your name Christopher Englebert, XVII?"
DM: "... That's uncanny, ser. That is, in fact, my name."
Player 3: "...and they said I can't do magic. Cold read, everyone."
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
"Hey Link, good job distracting them for me".
-Bishop
Let me explain. Chaotic Evil Rogue just got done knocking a ballista off a wall while Link(from Ocarina of Time) was trying to explain why we killed a bunch of Lycans. And after accidentally killing two of the people Link was talking to, I had my character make Link's persuasion attempts null and void.
No one suspects a bush to hide in another bush
"quit dicking around or im gonna shove my halberd where the sun doesn't shine" me, a paladin, to our bard.