Barbarian: I roll investigation

Wizard: and...?

Barbarian, with low intelligence getting a nat 20: the drain leading into the abyss, duh!

Alright, time for a long one...

DM (me), Kristo (undead patron warlock with the Brewer feat), and Atwoork Layteman (wizard halfling with some fun backstory about how he got his name (when he was born, his father came in and said "At work, late, man" and the doctors took that to be the name of the baby. The mother had the common sense to at least spice up the spelling)). There were a few others, but they were off advancing the plot while these two decided to check out a bakery. Also, things between *these* are OOC.

DM: As you approach the doorway, you notice a faint smell of chemicals. Kristo, with his wide array of potion knowledge, might be able to pinpoint exactly what sort, if he was close enough. You also don't see anyone behind the counter at the moment, though there is a basket of freshly-baked cinnamon rolls.
Kristo (Suspicious): What kind of bakery needs chemicals for pastries? Are these rolls enchanted somehow? Atwoork, before you eat anything, let me check it first.
Atwoork: *He stamps the ground poutingly* Ugh... Alright, I suppose it's safest. Wouldn't want to take a bit of a delicious treat only to have it become a skeleton in my hand. Just... be quick about it! I'd do it myself, but I'm afraid I haven't the self control to simply inspect them without... sampling... *He begins to salivate, staring down the treats with desire.*
Kristo: *Kristo goes up and inspects the rolls.*
DM: As you near the counter to check the food on it, you notice a large, irregular hole in the ground on the other side. There are traces of some sort of dangerous chemical, such as acid, that was spilt here. It seems to be where the chemical smell is coming from, which explains why the door is propped open. The food itself looks completely fine. You and Atwoork also hear voices coming from further inside the bakery. Sounds like an argument.
Kristo: *Kristo follows the voices, he also tries to do it sneakily. He looks at Atwoork and puts a finger to where his lips would be if he wasn’t wearing a mask (because backstory reasons), signaling to the halfling to be quiet.*
Kristo: *Rolls a 4 for stealth*
Kristo: *Welp. Dang.*
DM: Kristo tries to stealthily approach, but ends up knocking over a bunch of muffins. And also a vase. The argument abruptly stops, the two voices lowering to whispers. You feel like they'll most likely come to investigate soon, you'd best get out of there!
Kristo: *Kristo decides to quickly intercept them before they enter the room and stall for time. He blocks the doorway so that they can’t see.*
DM: A half elf with a baker's hat and apron walks out first, looking quite angry, brandishing a rolling pin as if about to hit someone.
Angry half-elf: What are you doing!? Get out of here! Didn't you see that gaping hole in the floor!? You're not even allowed back here! And you're paying for that vase, and every single one of those muffins!
DM: You notice a high elf exit the room behind her, also looking quite cross, but not furious.
Kristo: Now, now, calm down, we can be civil about this right? I wasn’t the one that broke that vase, or knocked over those muffins, it was… a ghost! Yes, a ghastly skeleton spirit! I was called here to investigate and exterminate said spirits! As for why I’m back here, well, I needed to ask y’all a few questions! *Kristo’s lying out of his teeth, although this lie isn’t that far from the truth, he does have experience with skeletons.*
Kristo: *8 deception*
Half-elf: *5 insight*
High elf: *9 insight*
DM: *You barely, barely didn't get away with it!*
Half-elf: A skeleton... Ghost? How does that work?
High elf: Hold on right there. If you were called to investigate about this 'skeleton spirit' breaking the vase and knocking over the muffins, then how are you already here? Pretty sure you wouldn't have had any time to get over here when we heard them fall literally just now. You weren't eavesdropping on us were you?
Half-elf: *Gasp*, you're right! What are you really doing here?
Atwoork: *Atwoork, thinking quickly, uses mage hand to knock over something behind the baker, before dispelling it again (trying to use help on the deception roll)*
Atwoork: Oh look! The ghost is at it again! We must act quickly! Please, step out of the way, civilians! We have no time to explain everything now, we must first clear this ghastly presence!
Kristo: Yes! My assistant is correct!
Half-elf: Oh! Well, I suppose you two must be telling the truth, bread doesn't just knock itself over! Go ahead!
High elf: Hmm... There's something not quite right with you two... I suppose you can go ahead, but I'm coming with you. Still don't trust you.
Kristo: *Kristo coughs as he tries not to reveal how surprised he is that this somehow actually worked.*
Half-elf (to High elf): Oh, you don't trust anybody! Not even the mailman!
Kristo: Hey, mailmen can be dangerous.
High elf (to Half-elf): And for good reason! He tried replacing our rye with whole wheat! Whole wheat! You're a baker, of course we're going to be able to tell the difference!
High elf (to Kristo): Thank you. At least somebody gets it. But I still don't trust you any more than I did him.
Half-elf: Well, he had to find some way to feed his family! You don't exactly rake in the big bucks as a mailman! And remember, he had to go ask his ex-wife for the rye so we wouldn't find out and make matters worse! And you know how bad she treated him!
Kristo: *Kristo mutters to himself under his breath* By Vecna, are you two an old married couple?
High elf: Please, could we not do this right now? In case you hadn't noticed, we have company.
Half-elf: Well, fine. But this conversation is not over! *She storms back into the room she came out of when you first came behind the counter, slamming the door closed behind her.*
Kristo: Well then… that’s certainly not a good sign.
High elf: *Sigh,* Yeah, sorry about that. She tends to get rather worked up about inconsequential things. And I absolutely *hate* being wrong, I tend to feel the need to prove my point about these things. But, in the end, it always works out. It's been this way for years now, she'll calm down in a few minutes' time. But, until then... Let's check out this 'skeleton ghost' of yours, shall we?
Kristo: *Ahem* Yes, let’s. I need to ask y’all a few questions. Firstly, why the heck is there a hole in the ground?
High elf: Oh, that's my bad. We had an alchemist come in earlier, desperately in need of some sort of yeast-based food material for his experiment, which was bubbling up rather dangerously. Aralana went to go get something, and I was left to try and keep the thing from bubbling over its container as the alchemist went home to get something to neutralize it for good, rather than just slowing it down with the yeast. I was so busy trying to figure out what the heck it was, when Aralana got back, she scared me and I dropped it. When the alchemist got back, he was sorely disappointed to see we'd lost his experiment, but was satisfied not to make us pay for a replacement as long as we didn't make him pay for the repairs. So, here we are.
Kristo: *Kristo nods as he listens to the story* I see… do you know the alchemist’s name and their whereabouts. I need to know because… they may be helpful in solving this ghost case. Yes! Perhaps they’ve seen evidence of paranormal activity. *In reality, Kristo wants to see if he can get a recipe for that acid.*
High elf: Hmm, let me think... I think his name was Sherbert West (reference to a story by H.P. Lovecraft) or something? Can't quite remember. And could you please elaborate on how the heck freaking ghost skeletons work!?
Kristo: They’re ghosts that take the form of skeletons. What else would they be? Skeletons that have the ability to turn invisible at will?
High elf: But why would a ghost choose to look like a skeleton instead of a ghost!? Wouldn't they prefer to look like themselves when they were alive?
Half-elf (to high elf): *Opens the door a smidge and pokes her head out* Hey, you're only allowed to argue with me. Not them. That's our thing.
High elf: Fine...
Half-elf: *She stops poking her head out and closes the door again, satisfied.*
Kristo: Clearly you don’t know how skeletons work. They’re simply the superior form of undead.
High elf: Suuure... Let's go with that... Mostly just because I can't argue back right now.

I could continue, but I think that's enough for now... If y'all want, I can get back to it later, but first I need to take a break from typing.

TL;DR Two of my characters got into an argument with a baker and her partner and tried the excuse of being 'ghost skeleton investigators.' It somehow worked even though they only got a 9 on deception.

So we were in the middle of a session and Harford (the dog headed barbarian) decided to steal some fish. Kelipso helped him, though Ox protested this. As the two were running, Ox turned towards the NPC and said "NEXT TIME WE'LL TAKE YOUR SOLE" which is a type of fish

"if we weren't homeless you'd be grounded"
"i wanna force feed someone a raw steak"
"We Killed Bon Jovi"
"hey, im just bringing sexy back its not like im doing anything wrong"

This is even better when you know that Herbert West's whole shtick was bringing people back from the dead when he really shouldn't have. Don't let the Reanimator bring weird liquids into your shop, or you might end up with a skeleton ghost infestation.

Quote from medschooldropout >>

This is even better when you know that Herbert West's whole shtick was bringing people back from the dead when he really shouldn't have. Don't let the Reanimator bring weird liquids into your shop, or you might end up with a skeleton ghost infestation.

Precisely. Glad someone got the reference.

Sorceress:(Before dropping to zero hit points and passing out) "For the glory of dirt." (She then proceeded to get a Nat 20 on a death saving throw and use dirt to keep herself from dying)

Sorceress: (OOC, being draped with strings of squishy iridescent spheres by cheering kuo-toa) "Are these fish eggs?"
DM: "Out of character, they're giant bacteria that look like pearls."
Sorceress: "Oh, for a second there I thought they were giving me their children."

Ferrin: "Does it look like the mushrooms are supposed to be there, or is the bag just really moldy?"

===

Casting animal messenger to send a note home.

Nu: "Tell my mom, Steven!"
Parrot: "My name's Fred!"

===

Following an altercation outside of a tavern, getting scolded for not keeping a low profile.

Serena: "Well I was trying to get everybody to calm down. Honest!"
Xanlar: "Oh, I totally punched 'em."

Cleric, running into the fray: Ill f*** if you let us live

Wizard, in the background: He isn't one of ours!

Third level party with Kohein (elf rogue/arcane trickster), Ketthan (tabaxi monk), Perri (human warlock), and this session introduced Verity (half elf cleric). Party is accompanied by NPCs Vermina (human energetic nerd of yet undetermined class) and Tenoch (firbolg orphan boy working as out translator [region has a different "common" that we don't speak). Setting is a massive underground realm something like a cross between "Journey to the Center of the Earth" and Arthur Conan Doyle's "Lost World" with a prehispanic Mesoamerican theme.

Following a confrontation with some local town guards.

Tenoch "They seemed to think you were kidnapping me or something. I don't know why they would think that."
Kohein: "Because bunch of strangers with some kid isn't suspicious at all."
Tenoch: "I know!"

Ketthan's backstory includes him being an orphan from this region who somehow found his way to the surface where he was adopted and raised by his monk order.

Vermina: "You're my favorite local, because you are not from here."

The guards ask us, through Tenoch's interpreting, to help interrogate a suspicious person they've arrested.

Perri: "[Verity's player], are you in jail?"
Verity: "Um, maybe."
Kohein: "Classic way to introduce a new PC"
DM: "It's not classic! It's totally original! What do you think I am, some kind of cliched hack?"

Verity, in jail, is described as wearing a trenchcoat over a labcoat and introduces herself as a scholar. Vermina criticizes her fashion sense.

Perri: "Now we got two nerds!"

Perri tells Tenoch he shouldn't insult the guards right in front of them.

Tenoch: "Nobody here speaks your language. See? Hey, sir! You have bad breath and my friend thinks you're cute . You should kiss her!"
Perri: "If he tries that I'm going to set him on fire."

Kohein mentions something about his past.

Perri: "Yeah, didn't you say something about something that may or may not have happened? It seemed pretty vague."
Kohein: "Yes, it did!"

Later...

Kohein: "I might have met some people like that before."
Perri: "From your mysterious vague past?"
Kohein: "Maybe."

Submitted without context

Perri: "Can I pet it? I want to pet it." 
DM: "Roll animal handling...how much do you like your fingers?"

Seeing a strange crate/chest sitting out in the middle of some overgrown ruins in the jungle.

Kohein: "That is suspicious, conspicuous, and possibly auspicious."
Perri: "But is it delicious?"
Kohein: "Back where I come from we call that schmuck bait."
Vermina: "That's what I called my little cousin, but it means something different in Gnomish."
Kohein: "I thought schmuck was a Gnomish word."

Getting attacked by weird shadow creatures.

Verity: "Wait, I have advantage on initiative!" *roll* "Nevermind!"

Kohein hits with a sneak attack and rolls ones on both sneak attack dice and for his rapier. Perri hits with an eldritch blast and rolls a one. Verity hits with her spiritual weapon and rolls a one. All one after another on the same turn.

Vermina: "I think this area might be cursed!"
Perri: "Ya think?"

Warforged wizard: looting a skeleton I am sorry if any of you knew this human.

Dhampir (formerly human) bard: You know, we don't all know each other.

"Is it a magic goat?"

Context not necessary.

Quote from Thauraeln_The_Bold >>

"Is it a magic goat?"

Context not necessary.

 Well, was it?

Quote from Flushmaster >>

Quote from Thauraeln_The_Bold >>

"Is it a magic goat?"

Context not necessary.

 Well, was it?

 Actually, it was a chimera. So, sort of?

Quote from Flushmaster >>

Quote from Thauraeln_The_Bold >>

"Is it a magic goat?"

Context not necessary.

 Well, was it?

 context not necessary.XD

*After arguing about the strongest members of the party*

Druid: “Can we stop fighting and admit that we’re all valuable members of the party?”

Barbarian: “Except Brelith.”

Druid: “Yeah, except Brelith.”

Cleric: “Agent [druid], activate Operation T-Rex. Do you copy?

DM: “Congrats, it’s the 50th session!”

Druid: “Can we all have fifty magic items?”

DM: “Ok. They’re all single use items that let you reroll a 1 on a d6 using a d4 instead.”

*After some conversation on the topic:*

Druid: “Fine, what about we all take 50 damage?”

DM: “Them it would be the 50th and last session.”

Barbarian: “Yeah, for the rest of you. I bet you don’t even have 50 hit points.”

Player 1: “So give it to me straight: is there, or is there not, and 11th town?”

DM: (sighs) “Asmodeus SPECIFICALLY called Ten-Towns ELEVEN-Towns because he wanted to act like he doesn’t care about mortals.”

Player 2: “That’s not a no.”

Player 1: “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!”

DM: (puts face in hands)

Player 2: “We must find this…Eleventh-Town!”

Player 1: I want a tree for my characters bday. 

Player 2 : I want a hatchet for my characters bday. 

dm: I want to do this: * sends an owl bear for p1 *

Player2: * buys a hatchet *

Player 1: *cheats*

Just realised tht wasn’t funny

4th level party of 9: Eve, elf monk, Jackbrass, warforged fighter, Kriv, dragonborn bard, Petra, half-hobgoblin cleric, Skorch, genasi wizard, Aria, genasi druid, Sandra, dragonborn bard 3/rogue 1, and Ozz, goblin ranger

(playing through Descent into Avernus, just met Lulu the hollyphant)

Sandra: I swear, if anything happens to Lulu, I'm gonna make an orphanage, and not by donating money.

Aria: ... Is this our new party name? The Orphan-makers of Hell?

Sandra: yes.

-

(our wizard got himself trapped in a cube, the runes on it turned rainbow)

Ozz(sadly): We used to have a gay dad, now we just have a gay CUBE.

Party: *noises of sad agreement*