The very chaotic druid offered to keep guard over the party's prisoner. 

Paladin: Someone else. 
Druid: Why?
Paladin: I entirely trust you, except that I don't entirely trust you.
Druid: Why?
Paladin: I have a handful of reasons...

After the entire party got arrested because they were caught having smuggled said prisoner into the city...

Rogue: This legal system is shit.
Guard: It's a lot better than the *Cronterrisian legal system!
Rogue: That one is shit, too. What's your point?

*Cronterr is where most of the party is from.

Some nice quotes from our most recent session:

“I stab him in his frosty bits.”

“By the beard of tebo!”

“The ADD elf is in the dungeon!”

“I go with a reluctant 2 handed long sword attack with divine favor.”

“In the name of mead!”

“The amount of ice on the giants butt insulates him against the attack.”

“Ooh natural one. You fell in the tomb.”

Ninth level party of Ferrin (half elf wizard), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Venn (tiefling sorcerer), Xanlar (half elf paladin), and Nu (axolotl shifter druid),  plus NPCs Phillip (human ranger), Al (halfling cleric), and Pin the kobold.

Ferrin: "Oh my god, we're the dark brooding people in the corner. And also Serena."

===

Trying to teach druidic magic to an NPC.

Nu: "So when you feel butterflies in your stomach you do this. But if it's a frog you don't."

===

Interrogating a prisoner, who is literally ranting and raving after a failed attempt at mugging Ferrin, now tied to a chair and under a zone of truth spell. He goes back and forth between pleading and trying to negotiate and shouting threats about violently murdering us.

Serena: "You really should cooperate. Trust me, this is us going easy on you, especially after you attacked my friends and tried to steal from us. I'm trying veryy hard to smash fewer skulls than I have been lately. It's really gross and I really think it gets in the way of the spiritual peace and calm I'm trying to attain."
Prisoner: "I want to skin you all alive, but I can't do that tied up like this. Can you please cut me loose? That would be very nice of you."
Ferrin: "I think this guy really needs a therapist."
Nu: "What's a therapist? Is that something you have in Solstice?" [note: Solstice is the home nation of most of the party, but Nu is from a remote village]
Serena: "Actually, counseling troubled people is something I've been trained for as a priestess. I think he might be too far gone for what I can do but I can try. Come on, pal, we don't want to hurt you. You're clearly under some kind of really bad stress. If you explain why you're so set on stealing from us, maybe we can come to an agreement where nobody gets hurt." *Persuasion roll: natural one.*
Prisoner: "$&*% YOU, LADY! YOU WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT SMASHING SKULLS! LET ME GO AND I'LL SLIT EVERY ONE OF YOUR @%#$ING THROATS!"
Serena: "Well I tried."

===

From the Roll20 chat after the DM disconnected from Discord  in the middle of a roleplay conversation.

Serena: "BAH!"
DM: "My Discord died can you see me here?"
Ferrin: "We can see you here"
Nu: "YOU MISSED THE KISS"
DM: "whaaaaaaat?!?"

===

Serena: "If this is supposed to be an entrance to the Feywild it'd better be shinier on the other side because so far I'm not impressed."

(We were looking to buy a hippo, the ranger had just rolled a nat 20 to find one)

DM: "And there, at the end of the market square, you see a beautiful green hippo, in a cage with a man standing next to it. It appears to be for sale."

Ranger: "HOW MUCH IS YOUR HIPPO, SIR?"

Shopkeeper: "13,000 gold"

(The party has 1000. Total. It's obvious the DM doesn't want us to get this hippo, but do we give up? NEVER)

Cleric: "Sandra, back me up with intimidation."

Bard: "Got it."

(Cleric casts command, using give as the command word)

(Man fails the wisdom save miserably)

(Bard gets a 26 for intimidation)

Needless to say, the party now has a green hippo. His name is Hippie, and we all love him dearly.

Quote from nyan_cat >>

(We were looking to buy a hippo, the ranger had just rolled a nat 20 to find one)

DM: "And there, at the end of the market square, you see a beautiful green hippo, in a cage with a man standing next to it. It appears to be for sale."

Ranger: "HOW MUCH IS YOUR HIPPO, SIR?"

Shopkeeper: "13,000 gold"

(The party has 1000. Total. It's obvious the DM doesn't want us to get this hippo, but do we give up? NEVER)

Cleric: "Sandra, back me up with intimidation."

Bard: "Got it."

(Cleric casts command, using give as the command word)

(Man fails the wisdom save miserably)

(Bard gets a 26 for intimidation)

Needless to say, the party now has a green hippo. His name is Hippie, and we all love him dearly.

 What level are you. Because speak with animals and good animal handling could maybe get you a hippo

(We were looking to buy a hippo, the ranger had just rolled a nat 20 to find one)

DM: "And there, at the end of the market square, you see a beautiful green hippo, in a cage with a man standing next to it. It appears to be for sale."

Ranger: "HOW MUCH IS YOUR HIPPO, SIR?"

Shopkeeper: "13,000 gold"

(The party has 1000. Total. It's obvious the DM doesn't want us to get this hippo, but do we give up? NEVER)

Cleric: "Sandra, back me up with intimidation."

Bard: "Got it."

(Cleric casts command, using give as the command word)

(Man fails the wisdom save miserably)

(Bard gets a 26 for intimidation)

Needless to say, the party now has a green hippo. His name is Hippy, and we all love him dearly.

Yes, i was proposing an alternate sollution for the next hippo collecting, because its best to have variety in your hippo gathering skills

paladin: I want to kill the angel.

dm: r u sure this is a good guy

paladin: slaps angel

angel:

takes out longbow and shoots in face.

Third level party with Kohein (elf rogue/arcane trickster), Ketthan (tabaxi monk), Perri (human warlock), and Verity (half elf cleric). Party is accompanied by NPCs Vermina (human energetic nerd of yet undetermined class) and Tenoch (firbolg orphan boy working as out translator [region has a different "common" that we don't speak). Setting is a massive underground realm something like a cross between "Journey to the Center of the Earth" and Arthur Conan Doyle's "Lost World" with a prehispanic Mesoamerican theme.

Kohein: "I'm staying hidden for the moment."
Perri: "Kohein needs to brood in the corner a bit."

===

Upon seeing coconuts for the first time (don't have those on the surface).

Verity: "That tree has balls, guys."
Perri: "So it's a boy tree!"

===

Verity: "Hold on, I have advantage on initiative." *same exact roll* "No I don't."

===

After Verity and Ketthan are both down,

Kohein: "I just remembered that I have spells, so I'm going to cast sleep."

On an old, lint covered butterscotch candy:

"It's magically delicious! EAT IT!"

Second level party with Ergdak (half-goliath fighter with a storm giant bloodline), Cash (human bard), Hugar Broadsky (half orc druid), and Ymorp (halfling rogue with an overt size complex).

Cash is browsing a weapon shop, accompanied by Hugar while Ergdak is doing historical research in the arcane megalibrary.  Ymorp is off doing who knows what, mostly because her player couldn't make the session.

Hugar: "A lot of people that don't actually use weapons think that a bow is just a stick, but the secret is that a good bow is a really good stick."
Ergdak *ooc*: "I feel like I understood Druidic there for just a second from that wisdom."

The split narrative turns to Ergdak's research, and of particular note are some odd peculiarities with the library's staff. At first they all seem like identical elven women who apparently communicate with each other telepathically (at least without speaking). At one point the one attending Ergdak appears to have been replaced by a male tiefling while his back was turned, then on his way out the elven woman at the desk is replaced by a mmale earth genasi with several other identical genasi moving about and working where other identical elves had been previously. As Ergdak and the DM play this out, Hugar types the following into the Discord text channel.

Hugar: "Field notes: It appears that, aside from having a hive mind of some sort, at some point in their life cycle, elves molt their outer layer and take on the form of other species. Whether this is some sort of camouflage , defense mechanism, or odd mating ritual behavior remains unclear. Further observation is warranted."

===

While attempting to slip away from someone tailing us as we walk through the market district, Hugar rolls less than great on a stealth check.

DM: "While checking over your shoulder you bump into something solid and suddenly find yourself face to face with a large, muscular, female Leonin textile merchant who's stall you've blindly wandered into. She looks rather irritated and snarls at you."
Merchant: "What do you want?"
Hugar: "Out of character question, you say textile merchant. Is she selling uncut cloth, clothing, or something else?"
DM: "You can see some bolts of cloth lying around but they seem to be sample materials for custom clothing, several examples of which are on display. They look to be of high quality and are probably pretty expensive."
Hugar: "You sell underwear? I've been on the road a while and mine're getting pretty worn."
DM: "Oooookay...she gives a low growl and stalks around you, kind of predatory-like, looking you up and down."
Hugar: "I stand in place and just track her with my head as she moves around."
Merchant: "What fabric?"
Hugar: "Something durable. But comfortable too. High quality stuff. I do a lot of traveling and don't want 'em chafing."
Merchant: "Thirteen gold. Come back tomorrow."
Hugar: "Thank you, madam. I'll see you then."
Ergdak: "That doesn't seem like a very friendly and effective way of doing business."
Broadsky: "Seemed quite business-like to me. Maybe that's not proper manners where you're from but I found it refreshing. Right to the point."
Cash: "Did you just get a date?"

===

Discussing the absent Ymorp.

Hugar: "I thought that was a kind of small puppy syndrome, barking a lot and such."
Ergdak: "I thought she's just weird."
Hugar: "The two of those things are not mutually exclusive."

Quote from willow_ivyleaf >>

Yes, i was proposing an alternate sollution for the next hippo collecting, because its best to have variety in your hippo gathering skills

 ack sorry for reposting, my internet was lagging really bad and accidentally posted it multiple times, sorry for the confusion

"okay, any ideas as to how we scale the wall?"

fighter: *raises hand*

"anything not related to throwing everyone over the wall?"

Fighter: *lowers hand*

Barbarian: "what if we say 'YEET!' really loud before we do so?"

"fair enough, I'll allow it"

“I break the 4th wall and give krill a nuke.”

“As far as villainous catchphrases go, I’ve heard better.”

"What are you on and where can I get some?"

DM: “You pour the pitch over the walls of the prison; and as you toss the torch to ignite the flames, you hear the horrible, screeching cries of a score of snowmen being incinerated.”

Player: “The snowmen SCREAM!?”

(Wizard points a finger at the prison guard, and casts “Disintegrate”)

Prison Guard: “You missed, comrade.”

Wizard: “Did I?”

(prison cell wall behind the guard has been reduced to dust)

(the now free inmate taps guard on the shoulder)

Prison Guard: “…nani?”

Ninth level party of Ferrin (half elf wizard), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Venn (tiefling sorcerer), Xanlar (half elf paladin), and Nu (axolotl shifter druid),  plus NPCs Phillip (human ranger), Al (halfling cleric), and Pin the kobold.

Last session ended with the party falling into a featureless void, presumably into the Feywild. We land in what appears to be a long neglected wine cellar (safely thanks to Ferrin's feather fall). During the last session Nu had cast conjure animals, summoning eight tiny velociraptors that they refer to as their "children" or "kids." Three were left above but the other five were clinging to/on Nu and came with us.

DM: "My sound cut out there, what's going on?"
Ferrin: "Nu's just checking on their children."
Nu: "I pet all of them."
DM: "They're just fairy creatures, they don't have feelings."
Nu: "I PET ALL OF THEM!"

Trying to figure out how to open the only door in the room...

Nu: "Should I hit it with fire?"
Serena: "Maybe hold on that for a minute."
Ferrin: "Pin, do you have any way to pick a lock?"
Pin: "Isn't that kind of racist?"
Ferrin: "I've seen what you do, it's not racist."
Pin: "Really?"
Serena: "Trust me, it has nothing to do with you being a Kobold."
Pin: "Oh. Okay, I guess, sure." *4* "Uh, nope."
Nu: "Fire now?"

We find a key in the rubble and open it, leading to a larger chamber that has only one other door. Ferrin has the highest investigation modifier and is checking out that door...

Serena: "I cast guidance on Ferrin then step back."
Nu: "Does the key work on this one too?"
Serena: "I hand the key to Ferrin then step back."
It doesn't work.
Ferrin: "I'm going to step back before Nu starts chucking fire at the door."

===

Out of character...

Serena: "Despite a few notable violent outbursts, against very bad people and vicious creatures I'll add, Serena is not a walking ball of constantly seething rage."
Ferrin: "A seething ball of teenage angst, though..."
Serena: "Fair enough."

===

Faced with a creepy stairway with a mysterious blue glow coming from somewhere below, while Serena and Nu are investigating the adjacent room, Pin turns to Ferrin...

Pin: "Ladies first."
Ferrin: "You're daintier."
Pin: "You're the most feminine in the group and that's saying something with a pink guy."
Serena: "Out of character, he's lucky I didn't hear that."
Ferrin: "Are you saying Serena is more masculine than me?"
Pin: "Yes."

===

After a fight with a monster that nearly killed Xanlar several times (both Serena and Nu were healing him) and Serena burned her highest remaining spell slot to finish it with an upcast inflict wounds for a buttload of damage...

Nu: "I set the corpse on fire."
Xanlar: "I hate this place."
Serena: "I feel you, buddy, I really do."
Nu: "Why did that guy want to come back to this place, anyway?"
Serena: "He was kind of a little insane."
Ferrin: "I'd say more than a little."
Nu: "Oh, yeah."

Cleric: He needs to make a DC15 wisdom saving throw.

DM: {Sarcastically} Yeah, because these guys are renown for their wisdom

{Rolls nat 20}

Druid: You were right, they have renown wisdom.

Npc: Talking about necklace someone pointed out

Our resident raccoon/rogue: "Imma steal it (Nat 20)