Paladin (OOC): "Because of the slaughter at Doru Araeba."
DM (OOC): "It's 'uh-ray-bee-uh.'"
Paladin (OOC): "No, it's 'uh-ray-buh.'"
DM (OOC): "No, it's 'uh-ray-bee-uh.'"
Ranger (OOC): (singing) "Arabian nights..."

Paladin (OOC): "[Bard], I highly doubt that your pet fox is going to eat ghoul vomit."
Bard (OOC): "You don't know that."

Paladin (OOC): "Before we roll initiative, may I say an IRL prayer to Bahamu --"
DM (OOC): "Shut up."

Paladin (OOC): "Why does the necromancer have a Russian accent?"

Note we found: "Please send this letter back, explaining what limb you cut off in the Trial of Cannibalism."

Ranger (OOC): "Where's the body?"
Paladin (OOC): "Somewhere on the sidewalk, I guess."

Barbarian (me): I want to check the body of the big creepy thing I just killed.
DM: Investigation roll
Barb: um....2
DM: 2?
Barb: well, yeah, cuz I rolled a 3 and....
<general table giggles>
Barb: "Hey, I think there's a body over here!"

{The Monk had gone to pick some berries he spotted that he knew he could crush to make a poison.}
Monk: What are they doing?
DM: Beating on that guy standing in the road.
Monk: Is he fighting back?
DM: Kind of, they are working him over pretty good
Monk: OK, I sit down and start crushing up my berries.

"Oh, right, you're a suicide bomber. I forgot."

"You'd think being descended from werewolves would make you a more powerful partial werewolf, but no."

Player 4: "Imagine the thing you most love in the world and turn it twisted and evil."
Player 1: "Like the marshmallow man in Ghostbusters?"
Player 4: "More twisted than that."
Player 2: "Great. You've ruined Muppets for me."
Player 1: "I wanna know what you think twisted and evil Muppets are."
Player 4: "I want to know why the Muppets are what he loves most in the world."

(Player 2 and 4 are dating IRL.)

Ranger: "I wonder where Rogue is. He just kind of left after that last dungeon."

Paladin: "Rogue probably knows where Rogue is."

Rogue: "Where am I?"

"Ok, so you're wading into that plushie pit fight wearing nothing but a knife and Bardic Inspiration..."

Warlock sends his familiar (owl) out to get a view of the town, which appears to have been sacked by a HORDE of our enemies.

DM: As you scan around the town square, you notice one of the {sub-boss monster he created}.  As you notice it, the creature immediately spins around and looks directly at your bird.
Warlock: I was told proper etiquette was to never look directly at someone's bird.

Group (age range of 21-50) all laughing like kids.  It was one of those moments where the flat delivery was so clean and, to a large extent. EXACTLY the kind of thing we'd expect either the character or the player to say, it was perfect.

Ranger, ooc: "Wait, so rangers have weaponized racism?"

(referring to favored enemy)

Quote from Indestructiball >>

Ranger, ooc: "Wait, so rangers have weaponized racism?"

(referring to favored enemy)

 I can’t believe I haven’t heard that one before now.

"I don't really have anything to give you as reward, but if you have any dead relatives you'd like to- What? You don't?"

Me: So let me get this straight, the gnomes were so high that they were able to manipulate reality? 

DM: Yes.

Quote from Tony1Adobe >>

Quote from Indestructiball >>

Ranger, ooc: "Wait, so rangers have weaponized racism?"

(referring to favored enemy)

 I can’t believe I haven’t heard that one before now.

 And here I thought everybody had heard that one. Way too many times. I'm guessing you don't consume much in the way of meme content because the two most prevalent memes about rangers are that the class sucks and they're all rabid racists because of Favored Enemy. 

Tenth level party of Ferrin (half elf wizard/artificer), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Xanlar (half elf paladin), and Nu (axolotl shifter druid),  plus NPCs Phillip (human ranger), and Pin the kobold (rogue). Quotes from three sessions and we levelled up to Eleventh between the second and third (insert obligatory "up to eleven jokes at your leisure). 

Still defending the fortress against the vanguard of a massive enemy army.

DM: "Speaking of cute rodents, you have bugbears in your base."
Serena: "Bugbears are rodents? Wait, bugbears are cute?"
Ferrin: "You know how the DM feels about bugbears!"

Nu: "I jump down."
DM: "That's 5 damage."
Nu: "No problem."
DM: "And give me a constitution save for concentration."
Nu: "Oh yeah. I probably should have done that before I summoned those pixies."

DM: "Xanlar's turn."
Serena: "Get over here and stab something!"

Ferrin: "Can my next character be a giant ape?"
Nu: "I have pixies if you want to be a giant ape."

Serena: "Yeah, **** this guy in particular."
DM: "He makes his save so he's un****able."
Ferrin: "Aw, come on! We all know you feel about bugbears, DM!"
DM: "No! I'm not going to ERP this right now! No fluffy stuffy for you!"

Serena: "And I'll cast a fourth level Healing Word on Nu for 20."
Nu: "Yay!"
DM: "Serena actually acting like the healer she's supposed to be."
Serena: "Yes, I have spells that don't just kick ass because I'm still a Life Cleric."

===

We defeat the assault but the garrison is very weakened and we have to hastily retreat before the much larger main enemy force arrives. As we set fire to everything, Phillip picks up Ferrin to carry him piggyback because he's cast enough spells to aggravate his magical "condition" to the tune of two levels of exhaustion (half movement).

Pin: "Are you jealous?"
Serena: "Not what I was thinking, no."
Pin: "He is more feminine than you."
Serena: "He is not!"
Ferrin: "It's not a competition!"

Nu has a magical breastplate that allows them to summon a spectral warrior after taking damage once per long rest. Nu's player was absent for a session due to college exams and the DM was handling her character sheet.

DM: "She has this listed on her character sheet as 'Breastplate Man.'"

===

Later, after making camp, an NPC soldier named Jeferith is checking on Ferrin.

Jefereth: "Is there anything you need?"
Serena*OOC*: "Tell her you could use a good cuddle.
Ferrin: "Wait, what?"
Derena: "She just got disappointed by learning that I'm with Phillip so she's on the rebound. Get while the getting's good!"

===

While securing a campsite in some old ruins, we fought and killed a gargantuan deer/gryphon thing that had made a nest there. Then one of the eggs hatched, revealing a medium sized winged deer critter with fangs, so of course Nu decided to adopt it (offering it magical tomatoes [goodberries] as soon as it was born apparently got it to imprint on them).

Nu: "Pet it!"
Ferrin: "No thank you."
Nu: "It doesn't bite."
Ferrin: "Somehow I don't believe you."

===

Planning to go back and try to attack the armored boat coming up river carrying the enemy commander (a boss villain we've fought before but he escaped). Worth noting that we'd just leveled up so Serena and Nu were double checking the new spells we can now cast.

Nu: "Hmm, earth doesn't really have long bones..."

===

Flying on summoned giant bats to the lay our ambush of the ship.

DM: "Perception checks."
Nu: "Can anyone give me the help action?"
DM: "You're on a bat."
Nu: "Can the bat give me the help action?"
DM: "No."

===

Before mounting our assault we go a safe distance from the river and Nu decides to cast Druid Groveto create a safe sanctuary to leave their "little" pet, which they've named Alma.

Serena: "You're using your sixth level spell slot for this?"
Nu: "Yeah, this is my child!"
Serena: "I suppose that tracks."

===

Pin: "This is going to be very dangerous, and we haven't said anything about what we want done if we die."
Ferrin: "Well, we're trying to avoid that."
Serena: "I have enough diamonds to cast revivify exactly once, and it'll bring you back in a very fragile state, so please try really hard not to die."
Pin: "Well if I do die I want you to burn my body then throw my ashes on orphans."
Ferrin: "Throw your ashes on orphans."
Pin: "Yes. Try to get some in their eyes."

===

Our brilliant plan to get on board the ship undetected and assassinate the enemy commander, which we spent something like an hour coming up with, involved Nu summoning pixies to polymorph Serena and Xanlar into ants and put them in an empty potion vial for Nu to carry while Nu, Ferrin, Phillip, and Pin take the four potions of improved invisibility with ten minute durations that we have then more pixies cast fly on them. Nu also has a potion that lets them pass through physical objects but only their body/gear to the DM ruled that doesn't count the ant vial. The top deck of the ship has a bunch of soldiers on it including two siege ogres (they have catapults strapped to their backs that are operated by goblins) and our target is below, so we have to get down a hatch that is of course closed. Nu gets through a grating via the potion and slipping the ant vial through the holes. Ferrin rolls a natural 1 and accidentally slams the hatch.

Serena: "Great day to be an ant!"
Ferrin: "Wait, tell me what inspiration does again? I've had this forever."

We manage to get below deck and Nu hucks the vial at the deck, which actually works as planned to shatter and deal one point of damage to the ants, ending Serena and Xanlar's transformations with them seemingly appearing right next to the boss, and the fight starts.

Ferrin: "I would like to remind you the last time I attacked in melee I did one damage."

DM: "You take 38 damage."
Nu: "Breastplate man?"

M: "This guy's going to attack Serena."
Serena: "Serena's going to make a rude gesture."

Nu: "I'm gonna conjure sixteen velociraptors under the beds."

Ferrin: "I am now invisible and unconscious."

DM: "Roll a d3."
Ferrin: "It's a 3."
Nu: "What's that mean?"
Ferrin: "I have no idea!"

“The farm plow is the good cop”

Exactly right. Never heard it before, and someone said it when I was playing, so I put it here. Sorry.