You don't live for long, because you get eaten by a dragon 

I wish for this not to be twisted 

The impossibility of this request causes a black hole.

I wish for a normal slice of pumpkin pie in my hand.

:)

Granted but you are in space

I wish for a wish that can't be twisted 

Granted, but you lack the level of twistedness to loop back to untwisted, you aren’t at the integer overflow

i wish for 2 quarters to appear in my stomach

They don't only appear there, they're welded to the inside of your stomach, causing intense pain for the rest of your life.

I wish to see the singularity of a black hole. 

Your mind quits working as it struggles to comprehend an infinitely small object with infinite mass and infinite density 

i wish for the events of super Mario 64 to be changed ever so slightly that it gives speed runners nightmares

Granted. The speedrunners get nightmares. The writhe in pain during the night, causing havoc on the sleep of others. This tidal wave of dismay and despair cascades throughout society. And when they find out that YOU'RE the one responsible for it, well...

I wish for a D&D group I'm trying to get together to work out.

It works out -- but then you end up playing Pathfinder instead.

I wish for...you know what...a little bit of rizz before Homecoming. 

Granted. You got that sigma rizz, not skibidi. GYATT you bussin' up that drip, fr fr no cap. No cheugy aura on you, fam. You not fanum taxxin' nobody's eyes but rizzin' them up.

I wish for more delightful gen-alpha slang. None of this 6 7 mango stuff. But TRUE GLORIES!

Granted, the one you hate most acts extremely bashful while asking you to go to homecoming with them, you can tell they genuinely want you to go with them though

i wish for Jesus to come back, only for him to leave after he remembers what happened last time he was here

Jesus returns to Earth, but then he decides to stay.

I wish for some sleep.

Granted, I hit you with my 25 pound hammer i named melatonin

i wish for a body bag for an unrelated reason 

It's delivered, but along with it is a person determined to know why.

I wish for a hundred pounds (the British currency). 

Granted, you have gained 45.36 kilograms

i wish to get rid of my caffeine addiction 

Granted. But now you're tired all the time.

Quote from TheDrunkenLunarDwarf >>

i wish for Jesus to come back, only for him to leave after he remembers what happened last time he was here

Reminds me of a tale.

Aliens are finally discovered and land on Earth. The pope goes to great them and after a while he asks, "So, do you guys know about Jesus Christ?"

The aliens respond, "Of course! He visits our planet every year!"

The pope is astonished and taken aback but replies, "Every year? We've been waiting 2,000 years for him to return."

The aliens are a little surprised but answer, "Well the first time he came we were like, 'this is awesome; let's bake him a cake and throw a party.'" After a pause they add, "What did you guys do?"

I wish for a more effective caffeine addiction.

Granted. Cocaine.

i wish for .

Granted [...................................]

I wish for more LinkedIn connections to meet my goal of rapidly advancing to 500.

Quite a few more present themselves. Sadly, you reach 499, a number which never increases. 

I wish for all of my deepest wishes to be granted.

Granted. You can find the granted wishes 10 miles below the surface in a small cave. Good luck reaching them!

I wish for some good meal ideas for the latter half of this week.