Granted! Now you have to get up at 3:00 AM. Be careful what you wish for!

I wish for a pet turtle.

Granted you get Coco Jumbo (from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure) and your soul is promptly pulled into it.

I wish for the perfect girl friend for me.

Wish Granted! The Dark Lord enacts phase 2 of his plans, and his armies have begun to march on the kingdom. Dark times are ahead because of your wish, adventurer.

I wish for a noble steed to ride into combat!

Granted! You ride your noblest of noble steeds into combat, a beacon of hope and justice for all to behold! Unfortunately, your new horse isn't trained very well, and so as soon as you enter battle, he starts to run off, causing you to fall off your noble steeds onto some dead person's spear. Rest in peace, my friend. You were a good leader. *sniffle*

I wish for a magical weapon to smite all my foes!

granted but you aren't the right class too attune to the weapon. 

I wish for world peace.

Granted! The world is taken over by robots who wipe out humanity. The robots now rule, and as they have no emotion, they have no war. World peace!

I wish for a cat.

Granted! A sphinx counts as a cat, right? I hope you're good at riddles.

I wish for a full ride scholarship to the college of my choice.

grants a nice person offers to give you a scholarship for the money needed to make the trip to the college of your choice.

I wish for a pack of loyal werewolfs that will care for me and follow my every command.

Granted! Unfortunately, a werewolf hunter comes for you and your pack. There was a long, epic battle, but the hunter prevailed. Your head is now an ornament on his Christmas Tree.

I wish for my magical weapon to smite all my foes to magically become attuneable by me.

granted but you cannot in-attune to it and always have to be physically touching it.

I wish for a new season of Metalocalypse

Granted!

but you have to pay to watch each episode

I wish to have the gift to speak in every languaje

Granted! Unfortunately, some aliens come and invade the Earth soon after. They gather up everyone who can speak all the languages to experiment on. Hope you enjoy being a lap rat.

I wish for cookies.

They're burnt oatmeal-raisin cookies!

I wish for the power to only get the most perfect dollar bills, crisp, clean edges and no creases.

Wish granted! Unfortunately, they're all counterfeit and you get arrested.

I wish that my commute always has light traffic at worst.

You come up to a light, but it's red. FOREVER.

I wish for invulnerability.

Wish granted but now you have invulnerable cancer.

I wish for the ability to change the likelihood of things

GRANTED! everything you try is less likely to happen the way you want 

I wish i was a dragon

Boom, your now a bearded dragon! You look sick as hell! Buuut your a foot long and have a str of 6, dex of 4, con of 12, int of 2, wis of 10, and cha of 10.

I wish for a brand new laptop

Granted but it will explode when charged.

I wish for a normal healthy cat that wont die or kill me.