Quote from Dragonslayer9 >>

Quote from PugofUtterDestruction >>

Quote from Dragonslayer9 >>

Quote from PugofUtterDestruction >>

Quote from Goliath7723 >>

I'm confused.

 Aren't we all.

 Strangely I was going to post that, then saw your comment.

Well, great minds think alike...

Though fools seldom differ...

Not sure why everyone forgets the second part of that quote.

 I actually didn't know it had two parts. It does seem familiar though...

 Well, now you know! So if you see anyone using that to make others think they're smart, you can just add on the second part and show them they're wrong because they're not even using the quote properly!

Grass (a shifter rogue) talking about their monkey(ooc): Can I roll an animal handling check to teach Archibald (A flying monkey) poker?

DM: Go for it.

Grass(ooc): Yes! 18!

DM: So what exactly happens? 

Grass(ooc): He learns how to cheat at poker, like a good little primate.

The party Bard decided to make his whole, bard art thing paid sponsorships. People will pay him to sing their little jingles on the battlefield. So my character a fighter named Rowan decided to write a song for the bard to sing, it went like this:

Ye ye

Ye ye ye

Got cash? 

If so then go onto (free robux site I probably can't say here)

Get free robux and send them to Rowan!

Ye ye 

Ye ye ye

Rowan deserves robux 

He needs them 

He is cool

Ye 

Ye ye

Jirou is best girl 

Ye. 

I paid him to sing that in the middle of a battle and Rowan might get free robux soon xD

Eighth level party of Ferrin (half elf wizard), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Venn (tiefling sorcerer), Xanlar (half elf paladin), and Nu (axolotl shifter druid),  plus NPCs Phillip (human ranger), Al (halfling cleric), and Pin the kobold.

Nu's player is still in the process of waking up and looking through her inventory. Still half asleep but doing the squeaky character voice, sounding something like a groggy Elmo from Sesame Street.

Nu: ""I have two daggers, one's capitalized and the other's lower case. What's up with that?"

The DM queues up come cheerful ambience music.

Serena: "That music makes me think there's a circus in town."

Nu: "There's a circus? Where?!? Also, what's a circus?"

Ferrin: "Um, are we the circus?"

Walking along the dock, looking for a specific ship.

Nu: "Is it this boat? Is it that one? What about this boat, is that it?" *ooc* "I'm literally doing this with every single ship we pass."

We find the ship we're looking for and talk to the captain, who immediately starts hitting on Serena.

Serena: "What does he look like?"

DM describes an extra from a Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

Serena: "What does he smell like?" 

=====

Traveling out of port and heading down river, Nu wildshapes into a giant vulture (using giant eagle stats). We try to give them pointers on what to look for and Nu's player responds with some bird squawks.

Nu *ooc*: "Wait a second, what do vultures even sound like? ... Hmm, ten hours of vulture sounds..."

Serena *ooc*: "I know you're reading that from a Youtube search and I'm already looking it up myself. I can't wait for an excuse to link this at all my friends and acquaintances." 

Nu returns and lands on the deck of the ship. Worth noting that Xanlar's player missed the session due to being out of town and his real first name is Tim.

Nu: *excited vulture sounds, now authentic sounding because we have the reference audio*

Ferrin: "Calm down, Nu. You're still a bird and we don't speak vulture."

Serena: "What is it, little buddy? Did Timmy fall down the well?"

Ferrin: "Well that would explain why he isn't here today."

=====

During the trip, which is going to take several weeks, the crew inform us that they're going to have a cockatrice fight for entertainment and bring up some cages from below deck.

Serena: "Dm question, do I know what a cockatrice is?"

Nu: "I wanna look at the cockatrice." 

=====

The ship is ambushed, because D&D. Enemy soldiers launching catapults from shore and sending big jumping lizard-cat things of some sort onto the ship. Nu is still paranoid about Ferrin casting spells because of his magical condition which results in [often negative] wild magic type effects. Being squishy as heck, Ferrin casts misty step to flee to the crow's nest. 

Nu: "No spells, Ferrin!" 

Next turn...

Ferrin: "I cast magic missile at this guy here."

DM: "Okay, from the deck you guys just see bolts of magical energy shoot down from the crow's nest and slam into the creature."

Nu: "Ferrin! Goddammit!"

A couple turns later, Ferrin gets a bad "condition" roll.

DM: "You feel very sick now."

Ferrin: "Okay, I'm useless now."

Nu *full panick voice*: "Ferrin!"

Ferrin: "You can't see me from down there!"

Nu: "Oh yeah. Is that guy over there still playing that flute? I just remembered I'm proficient in the flute. I want it!"

Up to this point we've just been holding off the attackers until the ship gets close enough to the barricade the enemy troops have built across the river for Serena to cast control water and redirect flow to carry us right over it. Because "Of course I prepared that, we've been on a boat for a week." 

DM: "The ship rocks a bit, kind of like you're on the log ride at an amusement park, and then you're over the barrier and floating away downstream toward safety."

Nu: "I haven't got that flute yet! I'm going to wildshape and go kill that guy. I am a pink vulture."

=====

Session ends due to time.

DM: "And you just might level up next session, so get that prepared."

Nu: "Ooh, I can get sixteen kids!" (Nu refers to their walking blender swarm of summoned mini-dinosaur-axolotls as "kids")

DM: "Now I'm rethinking. Because that is a scary thought."

"You're a plant that can ride a horse."

DM to new player: Alright, so for context as to why everyone's mad at the fighter, it's because he beat up an old guy and child

Fighter: In my defense that sounds bad out of context

Barbarian: That sounds bad in context!

-------------------------------

Fighter: Barbarian, if you can't be a tank, we're getting a new Barbarian

Rogue: Yeah, and besides, if you die we can sell your body to hire the new one (For context the Barbarian is made of gems)

druid: last time i had sex with a dragon, i had to abandon it to a church

Monk: dad, its called a monastary

Context: Our DM gave us a telescopic pole that also shoots fireworks.

"I'm gonna try this out. GOLD! DEAD! DRAGON! MAGIC! CHOO-CHOO!"

"..."

A scary robot said, "Password."

"Your mom!"

"Incorrect, prepare to die."

"When a slave acts up, he must be put in his place!" - the druid's pet cat talking about the fighter's pet badger

"LETS ROAST THIS TURKEY!!!!"


Now, this may not seem that funny by it self, but with context, it becomes humorous.

Basically, my group was fighting a literal living thanksgiving dinner, which consisted of a giant butterball turkey (that had the statistics of a heavily nerfed tarrasque (the group was LVL 10)), and three side dishes of stuffing, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce (all three were oozes, but I do not know what stat block they used). It was the first turn in combat, and I was a Artillerist Artificer, so I casted fireball on them. I said this line as I casted the spell.

NPC: Would you like your fortunes read?

Cleric: Does it have to be red? Can we choose another color?

Bard: I'd like mine to be orange.

"Now, I'd like to point out, this is the second time you've responded to the King's request for a status update with, 'Now, theoretically, if we where the ones who...' "

Quote from JKCorfy >>

NPC: Would you like your fortunes read?

Cleric: Does it have to be red? Can we choose another color?

Bard: I'd like mine to be orange.

 That got a chuckle out of me.

Eighth level party of Ferrin (half elf wizard), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Venn (tiefling sorcerer), Xanlar (half elf paladin), and Nu (axolotl shifter druid),  plus NPCs Phillip (human ranger), Al (halfling cleric), and Pin the kobold.

DM starts up a new playlist for battle music.

Serena: "Should we be concerned this is labeled as 'aggressive' battle music?" 

A few rounds later.

Serena: "I wish to note that I find it awesome how the music changed to something sounding like a triumphant angelic anime score right as I rolled to swoop down on my magical girl sunlight wings and smite the crap out of that guy."

Nu casts a healing spell amplified by a shepherd spirit after hauling butt across the battlefield to yell at Ferrin for excessive spellcasting (he was rolling quite well for his wild magic effects and doing a LOT of damage in the fight), injured and nearly out of spells.

Nu: "You got this!" *ooc* "And I flop down face first on the floor."

Our river ship has crashed against the shore and is breaking apart, beginning to sink as it starts to drift away. Xanlar calls to Serena that he's throwing a blind NPC down and for her to catch them.

DM: "Roll a dex check."

Serena [Dex score of 8]: "Can I do athletics?"

DM: "Okay, this once I'll allow it." *natural 1* "Take...four points of bludgeoning damage."

We know the smugglers we've hitched a ride with have somebody in a cage below deck and were waiting to do something about that until they delivered us closer to our destination. The ship sinking hastens this timetable and Nu jumps into the hold while Serena (covered in blood, both her own and from other people) threatens the keys out of the captain.

Prisoner: "Help! I'm Drowning!"

Nu: "No you're not!"

Prisoner: "The water's almost to the top of the cage!"

Nu: "Put your head under the water!"

Prisoner: "What?!?"

Nu: "I just cast water breathing so, um, breathe water."

The prisoner is a young firbolg woman named Phillia who apparently ran away from her family, who paid the smugglers to bring her back against her will.

Captain: "It's just business!"

Serena: "I don't think she thinks it's just business. Do you think it's just business?"

Phillia: "No."

Nu: "Tall lady, you want a tomato?" [Nu makes tomatoes with the goodberry spell]

Serena: "Sounds like kidnapping to me!" *high intimidation check*

Captain: "Okay, it sounds like kidnapping."

Watching the ship sink.

Ferrin *ooc*: "If only you had that flute you could play 'My Heart Will Go On' right now."

Nu: "I cast my healing spirit gel and just flop inside as it moves along"

We come to the swamp shack of some mysterious "Aunt July" who supposedly operates some sort of safe haven in the wilderness, surrounded by drunk or otherwise intoxicated people. Serena is trying to get useful information from some of them.

Serena: "Do you now the password to get into the cabin and speak with this Aunt July person?"

NPC: "Yeah! It's slfplglmly."

Serena: "Can you spell that?"

NPC: "Sure, it's uh, self, um, pig, pigmy, uh..."

Serena: "Insight check?" *high roll*

DM: "He's tripping balls."

Another NPC is trying to "sell" a lazy looking lethargic worg to the party.

Nu: "What are you doing to the big cute doggy?"

NPC: "You wanna buy him? Just one copper!"

Nu: "He's worth way more than that!" 

NPC: "Uh, what are you offering."

Nu: "I throw a gold piece at him."

The NPC laughs about how Nu is stuck with the worg now because of a "game" in which a bunch of people will attack whoever "owns" the lazy worg if they try to leave it's side without getting somebody else to assume "ownership" of it.

Nu: "I'm just going to stay here cuddling my face into his fur until it's time for us to leave."

"They have none of my new love pours coffee into flower"

"Dang, right before bed?"

"It is black, like my soul"

Party of Petra the half-hobgoblin cleric, Aria the air genasi druid, Scorch the fire genasi wizard, Sandra the dragonborn bard, Ozz the goblin ranger, Jackbrass the warforged fighter, the monk whose name I still can't remember, and Kiv, the OTHER dragonborn bard. The monk and Kiv were gone this session.

We were in a tavern after fighting some cultists of Tiamat (as one does), and the druid and cleric were the only ones drinking. The bard was performing, Ozz and Jackbrass were off doing... something, who knows? And Scorch was trying to be responsible, but was still outside after having explicitly told Aria and Petra NOT TO DRINK.

Aria (ooc) : "I'd like to order a martini."

DM: "Ok, who else is drinking?"

Petra (ooc) : *raises hand*

DM: Ok, con saves, both of you.

(Aria's player triumphantly shouts "16!" as Petra's player begins to laugh-cry uncontrollably before raising her head and saying "... crit fail")

DM: You drink like half a thing of this mead and are instantly hammered.

Aria (ooc): "I want that stuff, I'm drinking her mead."

DM: Oooohkay, con save

Aria (ooc) : "...3"

We played a few rounds of very drunk rock paper scissors, then Aria began to flirt with all the men in the tavern, party members excepted.

Then Scorch came back in.

Scorch: "Aria, I said NOT to drink!"

Petra (very obviously drunk): "wE wErEnT dRiNkiNg..." *almost falls over*

DM: "...deception check. with disadvantage. Scorch, insight."

Petra (ooc) : "15"

Scorch: "...3"

They did eventually figure out that we were both very drunk, but it was a very fun time to roleplay.

DM: You are at the festival. The archmagi blast fireworks with potent-

Player 1: DM-

DM: -spells which illuminate the sky.

Player 1:  What could do that? ...Maybe meteor swarm? Or fireball? Retextured, of course.

(The DM forget about what those spells did.)

DM: Sure.

Players: *Summon as much mosquitoes as possible with magic.*

DM: Um... Uh... What does meteor swarm and fireball do again?

Player 1: *Shows them, accidently showing them cloudkill.*

DM: *Facepalms.*

DM: The wizards use cloudkill to kill of all 90 mosquitoes you summoned, forgetting about the fire raining on everyone. We all end up dying, have a good night.

...

Real DM (Narrating): "And that," the sage said, "Is a tale of the weirdest session of DnD."

PC 2 (Me): "Wait, you're saying that was a game, inside of a game, and this game may be inside a game?"

Quote from Orange20 >>

DM: You are at the festival. The archmagi blast fireworks with potent-

Player 1: DM-

DM: -spells which illuminate the sky.

Player 1:  What could do that? ...Maybe meteor swarm? Or fireball? Retextured, of course.

(The DM forget about what those spells did.)

DM: Sure.

Players: *Summon as much mosquitoes as possible with magic.*

DM: Um... Uh... What does meteor swarm and fireball do again?

Player 1: *Shows them, accidently showing them cloudkill.*

DM: *Facepalms.*

DM: The wizards use cloudkill to kill of all 90 mosquitoes you summoned, forgetting about the fire raining on everyone. We all end up dying, have a good night.

...

Real DM (Narrating): "And that," the sage said, "Is a tale of the weirdest session of DnD."

PC 2 (Me): "Wait, you're saying that was a game, inside of a game, and this game may be inside a game?"

 No. But thats what i would say if it is

A funny out of character comment from the barbarian's player a few weeks ago. I wish I could remember the context:

"I'm here to chew a** and kick gum."