all of these are quotes from the same rogue as last time, to the same half tabaxi who is also part earth elemental:
“So Kitten, before our hiss-tory becomes a catastrophe. I would like to know what I was needed for right meow. No going stone faced on me either, or our relationship will be on the rocks!" “I believe it is crystal clear, we need someone with a clear head and cat like reflexes”
there were others I just can’t remember them and/or they are not funny without context.
more quotes from the rouge: "Sorry Darling, I only know two things people ever need me for and that is either making deity class love to them or ruining people's days." Grinning as he leans his chair onto two legs and places his boots on the table. "I only have a few options to flirt with, and sadly the bartender is out. I have a unfortunate medical condition, called A Reptile Dysfunction. I have tried everything to treat it, massage, lotion, and even pills!“ -talking about the lizardfolk bartender.
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she/it pronouns
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
Bard: "Envelope, I swear, if you stab yourself in this nice man's house..."
Sorceress: "Do you want me to go dig in the dirt instead while you go on your date?"
Sorceress: "Okay Bebe Bubette, here's where the trail of blood leaves off, now go track down our friend!"
The baby bullette: *Starts trying to eat the bloodstained cobblestone*
Sorceress: "Guys! Bebe Bubette found him! He's went underground!"
"I wonder how many moths I could attract with Celestial Light?
"Use vomiturgy(thaumaturgy) again."
"Okay, so these symbols on the lock represent the stages of life: the pan represents when you're forced to become a housewife, the icicle represents stabbing your husband with an icicle, the drop of blood represents your dead husband, the flowing water represents cleaning up after you kill your husband, the pen represents you forging his will to have you as the sole beneficiary, and the house represents when you get all his stuff."
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Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie." Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me. I'm allergic to fireball
My character's (wizard) list of possible magical occurrences:
1. The rogue stole the fighter's armor while he was sleeping with the armor on. (possibly magic) 2. The fighter threw a dagger and hit his target from 60 feet away. (probably not magic) 3. The DM said 10 minutes, but it was actually 1 and 1/2 hours. (possibly a temporal rift)
"I fly around Tiamat's heads until her necks are all woven together in a knot."
(It didn't work. Also, that campaign was over shortly after that due to the unintended combat that ensued. That player was restricted to non-alcoholic beverages during games after that.)
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Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
(our party trying to decide on a name for the group)
Me: "We've been looking for a crypt this whole time, so we'll call ourselves the Crypt-Finders!"
DM: "Isn't that a show on National Geographic?"
(We settled on Bloody Fugitives but later changed it because that sounded a little...suspicious)
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"It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."
LE Warlock (to CE Rogue): "If you steal anything, I'm going to hit you." *immediately upon entering the throne room before getting a good look at the room, the Rogue pinches a small golden bust of a former ruler* *Warlock Passive Perception (WIS) against the successful Sleight of Hand (DEX) succeeds in noticing the Rogue's theft* Warlock: (I cast Agonizing blast on [Rogue].) *Critical hit and Rogue is reduced to just under half HP* Cpt. of the Guard that's been standing in the middle of the room: "What. The. Hells?!" Warlock: "Inside joke." Rogue: "Yeah. You wouldn't get it. ... Ow." *puts the small bust back in place in plain view without Sleight of Hand (DEX)* Cpt.: "I don't really now which of you to arrest, now. Just... take the lot of them to the cells and we'll sort it out later." Rogue: "You'll never take me alive!" *Initiative rolls, Cpt. goes first* Cpt: "On second thought, just kill them all."
The Rogue player was never allowed to play Evil again.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
Sorceress: "Wait, when did the butcher get a Scottish accent?"
Bard: "He was so traumatized by jail that his voice changed."
(Sorceress texts Bard a picture of a kobold)
Bard(OOC): "What is that? It's adorable!"
Sorceress(OOC): "It's what killed your husband!
"That's funny, I thought rakes didn't have mouths."
"I am Envelope Lastname. I am in so much debt. Killing you will give me money. Prepare to die."
"We all got that one weird uncle that's into Satan... Or maybe that's just a halfling thing..."
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Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie." Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me. I'm allergic to fireball
There was definitely some stuff this most recent session, but not as much as the last one.
Baruuq (Aasimar Monk): *meets his celestial guide in a dream* Oh, hi again Celestial guide: Ah yes, it is me. The great angel: Steve.
Lori (Tiefling Cleric): Do I wake up before Giovanni (Tiefling Rogue/Blood Hunter)? Me (DM): Let me roll 2d20. This one's Lori, this one's Gio. Whichever one rolls lower wakes up first. *rolls 11 for Gio, rolls 7 for Lori* Yeah, you wake up first. Lori: I sneak out of my room. I sneak into his quarters. Me: Wait, what? Lori: And I shave off his goatee while he's sleeping. Me: *sigh* Lori, roll a stealth check, Gio, roll a con save. *Lori's stealth wins* A few minutes later... Me: Giovanni, you wake up Giovanni: *feels face* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lori (trying to solve an attempted murder): So who would want to kill you? Billy McGee (gnome pirate captain NPC): How much time you got? Lori: Any examples? Billy: Navy, rival pirates, ex-lovers, ex-lovers who used to be in the navy and who have since become pirates, Giovanni*
Random Bandit: *is illuminated by a spell effect of some sort* Oh, wow! Look, I'm holy now! Baruuq: No, you're just easier to hit. Bandit. Oh. Well, f___ then.
And finally the "even Captain Terrence's** coworkers in the navy hate him" chronicles:
Billy's Cook: Alright, you caught me, I'm a spy for the navy. Please have mercy on me. Giovanni: Ugh. Why would we? We're not exactly on good terms with the navy? Cook: Why? Lori: We've had... bad experiences with a certain naval captain. Cook: Oh, Captain Terrence? Yeah he's a f___ing d___head.
Desk Worker at the Naval Outpost: Alright, what can I do for you? Lori: We'd like to report a naval officer Desk Worker: Let me guess: Captain Terrence? What'd that a__hole do this time?
Lori: Captain Terrence attempted to kidnap me. Admiral Lucas Watson: Oh, him. That g__d___ b_____d represents everything people distrust about the navy.
* During the party's first encounter with Billy, Giovanni attempted and failed to poison his drink. ** Captain Joseph W. Terrence is Lori's fiance whom she is running from and is an all around a**hole. In the session before this one, he attempted to kidnap Lori and a small part of this session centered around the party reporting this attempted crime to Captain Terrence's superior, Admiral Lucas Watson.
Bonus Call-Back: Shady Man in a Trenchcoat: Hey, you wanna buy some of that Back Alley Sand?
Me: I will play some epic battle music. Something that accurately conveys what this group represents: *plays ridiculous accordion music* My players: ...that's... fair.
Me: I will play some epic battle music. Something that accurately conveys what this group represents: *plays ridiculous accordion music* My players: ...that's... fair.
Tejano is the music of my people and is always appropriate in every situation.🙃
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
So, situation. My character is a changeling hexblade Warlock, and I have a wizard companion (not PC) that has Enlarge/Reduce. I'm trying to get a tribe of ogres in Hartsvale on my side to help raid a castle. I'm wearing chainmail armor, and they live inside teepees in a forest.
I take dust of disappearance, the Wizard transforms himself into my main form, we both turn invisible and walk into the Chief Ogre's tent. The wizard readies his action to cast enlarge/reduce on me to make me bigger, just as I turn myself into an ogre.
I turn my form into a muscular ogre wearing chainmail armor, holding a greatsword with green-glowing eyes, just as both I and the wizard appear in the tent. The Ogres, who were just sitting down eating food suddenly stumble backwards as we appear, and I use my voice to mimic the voice of my patron (Karsus) while speaking in Giant.
Me:LORD VAPRAK is displeased with you. You allowed the puny humans to claim your land in the valley, and the giants to claim your mountains. This human (gesturing towards the wizard disguised as myself)will help restore your lands. This is an omen, gather the tribes, and meet him outside the forest to reclaim your honor in an hour, or bad times will come. Spread the word, and do everything this good human says.
I then take my other thing of dust of disappearance, do sleight of hand to hide it as I throw it only on myself and the wizard. We disappear, and go back to our camp.
At the camp, my army was waiting for us to return, and I explain to my second in command:
I whisper: Don't worry, and don't ask how, but I just got the ogres to help us conquer Hartsvale. Don't freak out when they come.
Kurthin (second in command): Wait, what!?! Ogres!
3 other soldiers then start screaming: OGRES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
And then I had to panic as I calmed down my army, and convinced them that ogres were just misunderstood, and secretly good.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Please check out my homebrew, I would appreciate feedback:
This is now an ongoing thing
all of these are quotes from the same rogue as last time, to the same half tabaxi who is also part earth elemental:
“So Kitten, before our hiss-tory becomes a catastrophe. I would like to know what I was needed for right meow. No going stone faced on me either, or our relationship will be on the rocks!"
“I believe it is crystal clear, we need someone with a clear head and cat like reflexes”
there were others I just can’t remember them and/or they are not funny without context.
more quotes from the rouge: "Sorry Darling, I only know two things people ever need me for and that is either making deity class love to them or ruining people's days." Grinning as he leans his chair onto two legs and places his boots on the table. "I only have a few options to flirt with, and sadly the bartender is out. I have a unfortunate medical condition, called A Reptile Dysfunction. I have tried everything to treat it, massage, lotion, and even pills!“ -talking about the lizardfolk bartender.
she/it pronouns
I watch. I wait. I listen. I like roleplaying games. Avid fan of messed up homebrew and horror rpgs. Lancer>dnd5e, go read Kill Six Billion Demons. I will shoot you with my transgenderification beam pew pew
On the joys of the Tavern Brawler feat...
"If I throw this goblin at him, how much damage would it do? Like... a d6 or d8, or..."
"Well, Goblins weigh about 30 pounds, but they're not really aerodynamic... so let's go for a d6"
"Cool, how much damage does that do to the goblin?"
Watch Crits for Breakfast, an adults-only RP-Heavy Roll20 Livestream at twitch.tv/afterdisbooty
And now you too can play with the amazing art and assets we use in Roll20 for our campaign at Hazel's Emporium
Sorceress: *Juggles daggers*
Bard: "Envelope, I swear, if you stab yourself in this nice man's house..."
Sorceress: "Do you want me to go dig in the dirt instead while you go on your date?"
Sorceress: "Okay Bebe Bubette, here's where the trail of blood leaves off, now go track down our friend!"
The baby bullette: *Starts trying to eat the bloodstained cobblestone*
Sorceress: "Guys! Bebe Bubette found him! He's went underground!"
"I wonder how many moths I could attract with Celestial Light?
"Use vomiturgy(thaumaturgy) again."
"Okay, so these symbols on the lock represent the stages of life: the pan represents when you're forced to become a housewife, the icicle represents stabbing your husband with an icicle, the drop of blood represents your dead husband, the flowing water represents cleaning up after you kill your husband, the pen represents you forging his will to have you as the sole beneficiary, and the house represents when you get all his stuff."
Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken
Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie."
Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings
Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me.
I'm allergic to fireball
"he's an elf, but he said strawberry!"
Player about the mad quaggoth in OotA, I had him randomly use the wrong word in elvish to throw subtle hints.
Bahamut - "This man will be traveling alongside you on your quest." *Elf walks in.
Elf - "It's a pleasure." *Bows.
Party Member 1 - "Oh, there's no need to bow, I'm just a chef!"
Me - "No, keep it goin'."
Bahamut - *Facepalms.
I have no personality.
My character's (wizard) list of possible magical occurrences:
1. The rogue stole the fighter's armor while he was sleeping with the armor on. (possibly magic)
2. The fighter threw a dagger and hit his target from 60 feet away. (probably not magic)
3. The DM said 10 minutes, but it was actually 1 and 1/2 hours. (possibly a temporal rift)
There is no dawn after eternal night.
Homebrew: Magic items, Subclasses
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InsiderYou know you're doing something right when you get a God to facepalm! LOL!
Here's some choice moments from my games the last week or so....
From my home game:
"Did you just use Klingon as a stand in for Draconic?" - Me, amuse and happy
From Beyond Heroes:
“It’s like a magical turducken. I don’t feel comfortable with this.” - Keen
From Silver and Steel:
“Does it just look like floating burnt mayonnaise right now?” - Meagan
“You should always take advantage of those who would assume you are not as smart as you are.” - Cally
Find me on Twitter: @OboeLauren
Some classic quotes from ToA, with a little context:
"Can I steal a dinosaur from the chultan dino races?" -I forgot :(
"Make a slight of hand check??? The sourcebook doesn't mention THIS." -DM
"I feed Nasty Boi (the stolen dino) some melons" -about half the party
-much later-
"I cast animal friendship on the dinosaurs" - druid
"You can make a stealth check... But you have disadvantage cause you're riding dinosaurs" -DM
"Okay, so the leader is gross-looking. Can I seduce the second in command?" -barbarian (same player as druid)
"Okay, maybe we can bargain with Ras Nsi-- (I throw my handaxe)" -some other player
"No, I won't marry you we've been on like 2 dates." -barbarian
Proud poster on the Create a World thread
"I fly around Tiamat's heads until her necks are all woven together in a knot."
(It didn't work. Also, that campaign was over shortly after that due to the unintended combat that ensued. That player was restricted to non-alcoholic beverages during games after that.)
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
(our party trying to decide on a name for the group)
Me: "We've been looking for a crypt this whole time, so we'll call ourselves the Crypt-Finders!"
DM: "Isn't that a show on National Geographic?"
(We settled on Bloody Fugitives but later changed it because that sounded a little...suspicious)
"It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."
Haha
Me: Can I have the thick potion?
DM: You want to drink the potion the almost KILLED Reed?!?
Me: No, no....just to....keep.
*the party of 5 (heh) is entering a throne room*
LE Warlock (to CE Rogue): "If you steal anything, I'm going to hit you."
*immediately upon entering the throne room before getting a good look at the room, the Rogue pinches a small golden bust of a former ruler*
*Warlock Passive Perception (WIS) against the successful Sleight of Hand (DEX) succeeds in noticing the Rogue's theft*
Warlock: (I cast Agonizing blast on [Rogue].)
*Critical hit and Rogue is reduced to just under half HP*
Cpt. of the Guard that's been standing in the middle of the room: "What. The. Hells?!"
Warlock: "Inside joke."
Rogue: "Yeah. You wouldn't get it. ... Ow." *puts the small bust back in place in plain view without Sleight of Hand (DEX)*
Cpt.: "I don't really now which of you to arrest, now. Just... take the lot of them to the cells and we'll sort it out later."
Rogue: "You'll never take me alive!"
*Initiative rolls, Cpt. goes first*
Cpt: "On second thought, just kill them all."
The Rogue player was never allowed to play Evil again.
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
"Discount Kermit, you just got attacked by nothing."
Hombrew: Way of Wresting, Circle of Sacrifice
Sorceress: "Wait, when did the butcher get a Scottish accent?"
Bard: "He was so traumatized by jail that his voice changed."
(Sorceress texts Bard a picture of a kobold)
Bard(OOC): "What is that? It's adorable!"
Sorceress(OOC): "It's what killed your husband!
"That's funny, I thought rakes didn't have mouths."
"I am Envelope Lastname. I am in so much debt. Killing you will give me money. Prepare to die."
"We all got that one weird uncle that's into Satan... Or maybe that's just a halfling thing..."
Morrigan Corax, The Phantom Queen, Breaker of The Elemental Chains, and Flaming Chicken
Cassilia Decalia, Servant of His Xanthous Majesty. "It's not narcissism, it's histrionicism, dearie."
Dokuhebi Tsuchinoko, child of the serpent goddess and temporary mother of squidlings
Envelope Lastname is going to be the death of me.
I'm allergic to fireball
There was definitely some stuff this most recent session, but not as much as the last one.
Baruuq (Aasimar Monk): *meets his celestial guide in a dream* Oh, hi again
Celestial guide: Ah yes, it is me. The great angel: Steve.
Lori (Tiefling Cleric): Do I wake up before Giovanni (Tiefling Rogue/Blood Hunter)?
Me (DM): Let me roll 2d20. This one's Lori, this one's Gio. Whichever one rolls lower wakes up first. *rolls 11 for Gio, rolls 7 for Lori* Yeah, you wake up first.
Lori: I sneak out of my room. I sneak into his quarters.
Me: Wait, what?
Lori: And I shave off his goatee while he's sleeping.
Me: *sigh* Lori, roll a stealth check, Gio, roll a con save. *Lori's stealth wins*
A few minutes later...
Me: Giovanni, you wake up
Giovanni: *feels face* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lori (trying to solve an attempted murder): So who would want to kill you?
Billy McGee (gnome pirate captain NPC): How much time you got?
Lori: Any examples?
Billy: Navy, rival pirates, ex-lovers, ex-lovers who used to be in the navy and who have since become pirates, Giovanni*
Random Bandit: *is illuminated by a spell effect of some sort* Oh, wow! Look, I'm holy now!
Baruuq: No, you're just easier to hit.
Bandit. Oh. Well, f___ then.
And finally the "even Captain Terrence's** coworkers in the navy hate him" chronicles:
Billy's Cook: Alright, you caught me, I'm a spy for the navy. Please have mercy on me.
Giovanni: Ugh. Why would we? We're not exactly on good terms with the navy?
Cook: Why?
Lori: We've had... bad experiences with a certain naval captain.
Cook: Oh, Captain Terrence? Yeah he's a f___ing d___head.
Desk Worker at the Naval Outpost: Alright, what can I do for you?
Lori: We'd like to report a naval officer
Desk Worker: Let me guess: Captain Terrence? What'd that a__hole do this time?
Lori: Captain Terrence attempted to kidnap me.
Admiral Lucas Watson: Oh, him. That g__d___ b_____d represents everything people distrust about the navy.
* During the party's first encounter with Billy, Giovanni attempted and failed to poison his drink.
** Captain Joseph W. Terrence is Lori's fiance whom she is running from and is an all around a**hole. In the session before this one, he attempted to kidnap Lori and a small part of this session centered around the party reporting this attempted crime to Captain Terrence's superior, Admiral Lucas Watson.
Bonus Call-Back:
Shady Man in a Trenchcoat: Hey, you wanna buy some of that Back Alley Sand?
Almost forgot one:
Me: I will play some epic battle music. Something that accurately conveys what this group represents: *plays ridiculous accordion music*
My players: ...that's... fair.
Tejano is the music of my people and is always appropriate in every situation.🙃
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
One more I forgot for good measure:
Me: For the last time, the half-elf bard NPC is NOT Guy Fieri!
So, situation. My character is a changeling hexblade Warlock, and I have a wizard companion (not PC) that has Enlarge/Reduce. I'm trying to get a tribe of ogres in Hartsvale on my side to help raid a castle. I'm wearing chainmail armor, and they live inside teepees in a forest.
I take dust of disappearance, the Wizard transforms himself into my main form, we both turn invisible and walk into the Chief Ogre's tent. The wizard readies his action to cast enlarge/reduce on me to make me bigger, just as I turn myself into an ogre.
I turn my form into a muscular ogre wearing chainmail armor, holding a greatsword with green-glowing eyes, just as both I and the wizard appear in the tent. The Ogres, who were just sitting down eating food suddenly stumble backwards as we appear, and I use my voice to mimic the voice of my patron (Karsus) while speaking in Giant.
Me: LORD VAPRAK is displeased with you. You allowed the puny humans to claim your land in the valley, and the giants to claim your mountains. This human (gesturing towards the wizard disguised as myself) will help restore your lands. This is an omen, gather the tribes, and meet him outside the forest to reclaim your honor in an hour, or bad times will come. Spread the word, and do everything this good human says.
I then take my other thing of dust of disappearance, do sleight of hand to hide it as I throw it only on myself and the wizard. We disappear, and go back to our camp.
At the camp, my army was waiting for us to return, and I explain to my second in command:
I whisper: Don't worry, and don't ask how, but I just got the ogres to help us conquer Hartsvale. Don't freak out when they come.
Kurthin (second in command): Wait, what!?! Ogres!
3 other soldiers then start screaming: OGRES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
And then I had to panic as I calmed down my army, and convinced them that ogres were just misunderstood, and secretly good.
Please check out my homebrew, I would appreciate feedback:
Spells, Monsters, Subclasses, Races, Arcknight Class, Occultist Class, World, Enigmatic Esoterica forms