*fleeing from a city on fire*

"How did it come to this?"
"It's not my fault."
"No. It totally is."

If you're going to steal something from a warriors' moot of all the local tribes, don't try to CHA your way out of the sacred city with the large, brightly glowing right eye of their god idol tucked under your tunic. 

Tiefling Bard: "Please allow me to introduce myself...!"

(Deception): "I am a man of wealth, and taste..."

DM: A panicked looking Rabbitfolk walks through the doors and scans the room. 

The Rogue: "Are you late to a very important date?"

I've been rereading my party's Discord campaign posts and found some gems from my (chaotic good) Woodelf Druid.

To some shady, cloak wearing beings, wanting the red dragon egg our party had just recovered. (my Druid really wanted to hatch the baby dragon and become friends with it, sadly we had to give the egg away :( )

To the cloak wearing beings who were talking through a child, which in some way had to work for them. (they used her for talking? interestingly, the girl herself is mute)

After we finally had made it out of the mirror dimension we had been trapped in. (feat. our Half-Orc Barbarian)

"No, we cannot stop to pet the half orc guards"

*proceeds to pet*

"But he said he wanted it!"

Of course, that ended in a fight. We couldn't really ask said guard what he asked for, but it looks like it wasn't petting.

From Twitter:

Me: "Which half of Dob is Orc? The top or bottom half?"
Luke Westaway as Dob: "The left half."

*Crush, the Tortle Barbarian who explicitly speaks like Macho Man Randy Savage, offering our Tabaxi monk some of his wild boar jerky*

Crush: Here, snap into this.

"Define 'kidnapping'?"

"'Button', not 'butt-off'."

"It's hard to walk in stripper boots, especially with mothman legs."

*Picks up mask made of dead wood**Turns to baelnorn NPC(who is jokingly referred to as being made of sticks)* "Hey Fel, did this use to be your face?"

(Party finds their NPC friend buried in a dirt basement after being killed by a vampire) "THIS IS THE WORST DIRT EVER!!!" *Character then proceeds to put the dirt in her dirt bottle necklace and later on eats the dirt*

Sorceress(OOC): "Can I take a turn to explain cinnamon poppers to the gibbering mouther?"

DM: "You lost a turn because of the mouther's gibbering, so I'll allow it."

Bard: "Join a party, they said. It'll be fun, they said."

Bard, desperately trying to calm the sorceress down: *Shoves lavender in Envelope's face* "Snort this."

Envelope: "Is this cocaine?"

Bard: "Yes."

Baelnorn NPC: "Envelope, stop throwing people."

Envelope: "I haven't thrown anyone. I can't stop doing something I haven't started yet."

Bard: "I could handcuff her to keep her from waking up the skeletons."

Envelope: "Ooh, kinky."

This last one isn't a quote, but I thought it was kind of funny and cute anyway. My sister decided that since her character spends so much time playing in the dirt, she wanted a necklace with a bottle of dirt attached to it. Then a few days later one of my other players gave her one in real life. Last session my sister's character found a random button and a safety pin in a cultist's living room, and she added those two things to the necklace in real life and in the game.

"Matt, what the **** is going on?"

Player 1: “Don’t you need to find things like evidence or corroborating witnesses?”

Player 2: *jokingly* “He’s a towns-guard, he doesn’t need things like evidence or witnesses.”

Player 3: *seriously* “I’d need DM approval for that, this isn’t the real world.

Player 2: “That’s way more messed up than it should be.”

Player 3: “I realized that as soon as I said it.”

"Are we going to look for the Avernus Toyota?"

Bit of context: BBEG is a kind of construct (so a robot) . We've been fighting for ages and it only has about 3 hp left

Bard with vicious mockery: get terminated ****er

NPC: "what are you, WHO are you" 

player one (BeBe): "he is dirb"

player two (kane): "he is dirb"

player three (Dirb): "I am dirb"

*Player or DM describes stuff based on "The Tale of [obvious modern entertainment reference with a different name]."*

ex.
"Like in the tale of Yon King of Lions..."
"Like in the stage performance of that Winter Solstice favorite, Alone at Home..."
"Like in the parable of the Wizard of Ozville..."
"Are they going to Thelma and Louise it like in that old ballad?"

EDIT: From a stream - happens a lot:
Bard (Good supposedly): *hears plan* Oh, that's way better than my plan.
Party member: Why? What was your plan?
Bard: I was thinking we could [do something horrific or incredibly stupid].
Warlock (definitely not Good): That'll be plan B. We'll keep it in the back pocket.

From a recent stream from those folks:
DM (to Warlock regarding a skill check): What did you roll?
Warlock (didn't roll): I absolutely refuse to take part in this plan.

Spreading communism through the medium of DnD

Me to the DM after catching the Warlock and the Rogue trying to burn the Bard's "body" because they both nat 1'd a medical check to see if he's still alive after consuming some horribly botched alcohol:

"Can I just grab them and bonk their heads together like Bulk and Skull?"

"NEW RULE! NO TURTLE/TORTOISE S*X, OR FISH MCBITES ALLOWED IN DND, EVER!!!"

Today's session was... taxing, to say the least...

after see a dragon in the distance flying at use, most of us try to hide but we are in a planes.

sorcerer: im use fly, to scout it to see how big it is.

druid: god idea, i become a bird and fly up to it.

paliy: well i cont fly, so i hide in the hole with the worlock and the loot.

DM: (describes a massive green dragon)

sorcerer: i'll talk to it, (makes demands and insults it)

palliy: i pretend to be a rock!