Beware of the Sivak Draconians. (They are the shape-shifters, they can transform into anyone they kill, as long as it is the same size as them, or the same size as them.) They are the truly deadliest.

DM- "Wait what happened to your best friend while he was dying?"

Me- "He gave me his resurrection stone. You know, after the Lich killed him. It seemed very important to him that I have it." 

DM- "And the Lord Helm says unto you all, 'Come forth, paladins and holy knights, and you will receive eternal life!' but sadly, Arjhan, came in third and won a magic spoon."

Arjhan- "But is it a cool spoon?"

DM- "It can transform into either a butter knife, a fork, or back into a spoon."

Arjhan- "I stab Lord Helm."

Everyone- "It's still a spoon!!!"

"He's dying of a mass hallucination! If he calms down, he'll be fine!" (The sorceress, right after the ranger sniped the mayor while he was trying to convince his citizens that the disease afflicting the town was just a case of mass hysteria)

"It's not the first time I've killed an entire family"

Bard(the same one from the other scallop quote): "Scallop-man didn't seem like as much of a jerk as the rest."

Sorceress: "Does he still deserve rights?"

Bard: "No."

The sorceress was found with an NPC standing over a dead body and the two of them were taken into the guard station for questioning. While waiting outside the interrogation room, the sorceress (who was under the impression that when you go to jail you get a scottish accent) started talking in a really bad scottish accent. One of the guards had a scottish accent and thought the sorceress was making fun of him. Things escalated and another guard tried and failed to hold him back when he charged at the sorceress, and all of the other guards had to dog pile him and drag him away.

Sorceress(While being dragged away to a holding cell): "Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!"

I want ten daggers.

...why?

I can't carry 10 swords. I'm gonna throw them.

You want a bandolier with that?

Quote from The_Glimpse >>

Quote from RangerTwoBlades >>

Quote from The_Glimpse >>

This was way back in 1st Edition playing Dragonlance and we were invading a fortress full of Draconians.

DM: "So, looking over the ramparts you see the courtyard is packed with 5 groups of Draconians, 12 per group, practicing military drills."

My character at the time was a fighter, heavily inspired by Frank Frazetta's Death Dealer paintings and the Death Dealer novels by James Silke.

Me: "I'll take the first four groups."

Everyone: "What?"

Me, putting on helmet. "You guys deal with those, I'll get the rest."

10 minutes later.

Everyone: "Oh my god, he did!"

Really, it was just timing and positioning of the Draconian death effects to help out. But it was fun. 

 Oh, were they the acid and explosive kinds?

 
Yes. The best kinds of Draconian mixed with some lower tier ones. :)

Quote from Tony1Adobe >>

Quote from The_Glimpse >>

This was way back in 1st Edition playing Dragonlance and we were invading a fortress full of Draconians.

DM: "So, looking over the ramparts you see the courtyard is packed with 5 groups of Draconians, 12 per group, practicing military drills."

My character at the time was a fighter, heavily inspired by Frank Frazetta's Death Dealer paintings and the Death Dealer novels by James Silke.

Me: "I'll take the first four groups."

Everyone: "What?"

Me, putting on helmet. "You guys deal with those, I'll get the rest."

10 minutes later.

Everyone: "Oh my god, he did!"

Really, it was just timing and positioning of the Draconian death effects to help out. But it was fun. 

 First, I want to thank you for introducing me to Frank Frazetta's work. : )

Seems like a character of this concept would benefit from the "Dread Helm" item.

Second...that story snippet is just hilarious.

 
Frank Frazetta was a master. His stuff was amazing. You're welcome.

Thanks, we had a lot of fun back then. 

One of the party, a thief, described himself as having a boot tucked into a dagger. He never lived that down. 

 Ha...I'm picturing a boot that's been skewered by a dagger, now.

Not a quote, but a scenario based off of the previous post.

Rogue: I am teams dagger tucked into a boot.

Rogue, having an actual dagger in his boot, trying to run away from something: ARG!!

Cleric: What is wrong now?

Rogue: MY FOOT HAS BEEN IMPALED!!!!!!

Entire Party: WE TOLD YOU NOT TO PUT THE DAGGER IN YOUR BOOT!!

Quote from Tony1Adobe >> 

Frank Frazetta was a master. His stuff was amazing. You're welcome.

Thanks, we had a lot of fun back then. 

One of the party, a thief, described himself as having a boot tucked into a dagger. He never lived that down. 

 Ha...I'm picturing a boot that's been skewered by a dagger, now.

Quote from RangerTwoBlades >>

Not a quote, but a scenario based off of the previous post.

Rogue: I am teams dagger tucked into a boot.

Rogue, having an actual dagger in his boot, trying to run away from something: ARG!!

Cleric: What is wrong now?

Rogue: MY FOOT HAS BEEN IMPALED!!!!!!

Entire Party: WE TOLD YOU NOT TO PUT THE DAGGER IN YOUR BOOT!!

 Remember, kids: always tuck your daggers into your boots, not the other way around.

Anyways, that was knife concealment safety 101 from me. Thank you!

All the players were new... and two were trying to be a bit sneaky with the rules.

Sorcerer: I'm going to roll for my wild magic.
*Sorcerer rolls for wild magic but hasn't cast a spell.*

DM: No. You cast the spell first, then roll for wild magic.

Sorcerer: Okay. Well, I got a 1 so I'm not going to cast a spell.

*DM thinks about this for a bit*
DM: In that case, the next spell you cast is going to have a wild magic effect. I know you're supposed to roll for it after, but like you, I'll go ahead and roll for it now.
*DM rolls d100 behind screen.*
DM: Hoh, boy! You're gonna love your next spell. I can't wait!😈

What was the spell?

Quote from RangerTwoBlades >>

What was the spell?

Sadly, nothing. The two sneaky players didn't return for the next session. (It was the 3rd session, and they tried stuff like that from the get-go.) Personally, I thought it was hilarious how every loophole they thought they found and tried to abuse would get turned back on them. Otherwise, they would have been too annoying to tolerate for much longer.

Quote from EricHVela >>

Sadly, nothing. The two sneaky players didn't return for the next session. (It was the 3rd session, and they tried stuff like that from the get-go.) Personally, I thought it was hilarious how every loophole they thought they found and tried to abuse would get turned back on them. Otherwise, they would have been too annoying to tolerate for much longer.

 So what was the roll on the wild magic table?

We'll never know. (I get the feeling that the DM was going to pick whatever she wanted when the time came. I would be fine with that.)

This was during a my first campaign.

Booze is that of currency, Give meh all ya booze! I don't care you've drinken so much that booze has replaced water in your body! GIVE MEH YA BOOZE. (*While slamming own face into a wall*)

(This is my first post on any forum)

Me to DDB Warlock 101: The Great Old One

"To pray to the D(r)ead God, the Sleeping God, the Drowned God... take a handful of oyster pearls worth ~20gp, get slobbering drunk, put the pearls in your mouth - it is okay to swallow a few, and speak in Common with your tongue hanging halfway out and to the side."😜

Limine's bolt of energy blasts the exorcists head into pieces, splattering the cell and everyone in it in blood! 

The gaunt doctor was just about to approach the exorcist with a hypodermic needle, but stops as his white lab-coat is covered in blood. He narrows his eyes as he looks at Mordekai and Limine. 

That quote is funnier without context. So, I am not giving you any context.

PC 1: *randomly rolls intimidation*

PC 2: "...What are you planning?"

"Can I roll persuasion to get him to chuck a rock at me?"

"I intimidate the nonexistent tiefling."

The BBEG falling into his own dungeon pit: "SCHEISSE!"

After a long debate on terms for a quest the Onyx Elf looks over the room and says "This deal stinks worse than an Ogres bedroll."

After a string of bad rolls where the Gunslinger's weapon jammed repeatedly, her character's sister, the sorceress, was teasing her about how fond the gunslinger was of Reya.

Gunslinger: "Stop it, or I'll shoot you!"

Sorceress: "Really? How? You haven't been able to shoot anyone all day."