“Ah, a newcomer…! Welcome to the Temple of Hoar; please come inside, and…”
(giggles at my table)
DM: ”…and I just realized how that sounds.”
(…later on…)
Hoar Priest: “I see your friend has joined us…Hoar’s blessings upon you. Please come inside, and…”
(giggling continues)
Hoar Priest: ”…why does everyone laugh when I say that!?”
(…even more later…)
Hoar Priest: “Take off your shirt, traveler, and lay by the fire…”
(table starts howling with laughter)
DM: ”It’s NOT that kind of ritual, people!”
(some context: the player is a Reborn Paladin of Hoar; who was brutally murdered in an epilogue from a previous campaign. His body is decomposing; and the Hoar priest was attempting to stabilize the worst of it so that the character could move about the city without suspicion)
*Fighter acts out and harms the party's clients* An NPC: "Did you just attack us?" Fighter: "Nooooo?" Cleric: "I think you'd better roll a Persuasion check for that."
An NPC: "Our leader is Eldin Heckraiser." Monk: "Why is he called that?" *pause* The NPC: "Moving swiftly on..."
Cleric: "No, I care about money, not life." Barbarian: "Sheesh ... I thought you were the wholesome one."
An NPC: "We'll pay you 200 g.p. ..." Cleric: "200?" The NPC: "... in eggs." Cleric: "In EGGS?" The NPC: "They're kruthik eggs." Monk: "What's a kruthik?" The NPC: "They're basically civilization-eating ants." Cleric: "... Okay, we'll take that."
Cleric: "How many would we get?" An NPC: "Six." Barbarian: *squints eyes and puts hands on hips* "Make it four."
An NPC: "You have one day to prepare." Cleric: "All right, where's the black market?" The NPC: "You won't have enough time to negotiate any deals in just one day." Cleric: "I never said I was buying anything."
This Mug immediately shared with me a transcendental tale of an Infinite Mug that anchors the Universe and keeps it from folding in on itself. I filed this report under "illogical nonsense" and asked why its sign is in Times New Roman font, when it is basic knowledge that Arial Black is a far superior font. I wondered: How did this mug even get past the assembly line with its theistic beliefs and poor font choices?
quote from Romantically Apocalyptic byVitaly S Alexius
[Bard] (Takes out a fuzzy object from a bag of tricks) Is this a bomb?
[Me, DM] Only one way to find out.
[Bard] Alright I throw it at [Fighter]
[Fighter] wait wat
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
My cults are dead, let's talk about myself where they used to be. I am The_cool_Elsecaller, a transfem lesbian who is still in the closet to all but a few people I know IRL. I enjoy video games, reading, writing, and sleeping. Feel free to PM me if you want writing advice or just want to talk.
"Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination"
I HAVE BECOME THE PATRON OF FLAME! HEPHAISTOS HAS CALLED THE WORLD WILL BURNNNN!!!!! - Me after I rolled a 1 on a firebolt and learned I could burn buildings then started burning the room my partners were in fighting a hobgoblin for treasure intentionally.
=========================== Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
Current D&D Characters: Kromen Flintfist, Hill Dwarf Order of the Scribes Wizard/Armorer Artificer Eiphrok, Half-Orc Oath of Glory Paladin/Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer
Fire Genasi: “I cast Vortex Warp on the fleeing sailor. They need to make a Constitution saving throw.”
GM: “Alright…(rolls)…they fail. Refresh my memory; what does that spell do again…?”
Fire Genasi: “Well, they are now about 90ft away from the docks, and are now in the water.”
(later)
GM: “As your ship sails away from the harbor; you see the sailor that was teleported frantically swimming in the harbor. Fins are circling around him.”
Fire Genasi: (points) “Someone save that man!”
Sea Elf: (dives off the ship into the water) “Got it…!”
Fire Genasi: (waits a few seconds) “GM, is the sailor willing to be saved…?”
GM: “He’s currently being mauled by sharks…so yes.”
Fire Genasi: (snaps fingers) “I cast Vortex Warp on the sailor; and bring him on deck.”
(bloodied sailor teleports onto the ship; bleeding heavily from a bite wound on his shoulder)
Fire Genasi: “Welcome back!”
GM: “Alright…your Sea Elf friend just dived in, and is still in the water.”
Sea Elf: (surrounded by the sharks, frantically looking for the injured sailor) “I don’t see him anywhere…!!”
Fire Genasi: (grimaces) “The sea claims another innocent soul.”
They are very much a constant source of joy. I am gladdened whenever we sit at that table together.
More Hoar, plz!
*Fighter acts out and harms the party's clients*
An NPC: "Did you just attack us?"
Fighter: "Nooooo?"
Cleric: "I think you'd better roll a Persuasion check for that."
An NPC: "Our leader is Eldin Heckraiser."
Monk: "Why is he called that?"
*pause*
The NPC: "Moving swiftly on..."
Cleric: "No, I care about money, not life."
Barbarian: "Sheesh ... I thought you were the wholesome one."
An NPC: "We'll pay you 200 g.p. ..."
Cleric: "200?"
The NPC: "... in eggs."
Cleric: "In EGGS?"
The NPC: "They're kruthik eggs."
Monk: "What's a kruthik?"
The NPC: "They're basically civilization-eating ants."
Cleric: "... Okay, we'll take that."
Cleric: "How many would we get?"
An NPC: "Six."
Barbarian: *squints eyes and puts hands on hips* "Make it four."
An NPC: "You have one day to prepare."
Cleric: "All right, where's the black market?"
The NPC: "You won't have enough time to negotiate any deals in just one day."
Cleric: "I never said I was buying anything."
pm me the word "tomato"
she/her
One player (OOC): "That's like snapping a dull pencil in half, using the exposed graphite inside, and saying you sharpened it."
Barbarian: "It might be faster to just smash his head instead of cutting it off. Nice good snap. Well ... some heads go crunch."
Barbarian: "Well you can keep slurping your flaky hell-soup, but I'm gonna eat some nice raw flesh."
pm me the word "tomato"
she/her
Cleric: "Hmm... It's just a doll."
Fighter: "Don't you know anything? You never say it's just a doll. Haven't you ever seen a horror movie ─"
pm me the word "tomato"
she/her
Barbarian: *rolls a -1 on a Religion check* "Wow, I'd make a great cleric."
DM: "You obtain ten days of rations and three flasks of ... something."
pm me the word "tomato"
she/her
Barbarian: *rolls an 8 on a d8* "YESSSSSSSS! LET'S GOOOOOOOOO! MAX DAMAGE! ... Wait, that's a bad thing if I hit myself."
pm me the word "tomato"
she/her
why in the world did you space these out.
I am a conjurer, but the only thing I can summon is disappointment
Status: schools started, so weekday posting is limited.
I'm a member of the "oops I accidentally destroyed someone's brain cult"
I might be losing it at the rate of the heat death of the universe.
Extended Sig
They always do.
This Mug immediately shared with me a transcendental tale of an Infinite Mug that anchors the Universe and keeps it from folding in on itself. I filed this report under "illogical nonsense" and asked why its sign is in Times New Roman font, when it is basic knowledge that Arial Black is a far superior font. I wondered: How did this mug even get past the assembly line with its theistic beliefs and poor font choices?
quote from Romantically Apocalyptic by Vitaly S Alexius
It's name isn't timber anymore! It's now tinder!
the biggest screwup since the screw was invented
I put them in multiple posts because I posted them during an adventure, and they didn't all occur at once.
pm me the word "tomato"
she/her
“STOP MAKING FUN OF ME IT WAS A MISTAKE”
“I can’t just let ‘billbear’ go unchecked!”
———————————————————
“Oh great, first billbear and now 240 for reals (fr)….”
[Bard] (Takes out a fuzzy object from a bag of tricks) Is this a bomb?
[Me, DM] Only one way to find out.
[Bard] Alright I throw it at [Fighter]
[Fighter] wait wat
My cults are dead, let's talk about myself where they used to be. I am The_cool_Elsecaller, a transfem lesbian who is still in the closet to all but a few people I know IRL. I enjoy video games, reading, writing, and sleeping. Feel free to PM me if you want writing advice or just want to talk.
"Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination"
-First Ideal of the Knights Radiant
Extended Signature. Real Extended Signature
Redemption Paladin: “Ha! You let one live! You ARE redeemable…!”
Evil Warlock: “I am “cultivating” an adversarial relationship for the next few decades; purely for my own amusement.”
Redemption Paladin: “It still f*cking counts!”
I HAVE BECOME THE PATRON OF FLAME! HEPHAISTOS HAS CALLED THE WORLD WILL BURNNNN!!!!! - Me after I rolled a 1 on a firebolt and learned I could burn buildings then started burning the room my partners were in fighting a hobgoblin for treasure intentionally.
"Your are not proficient with a tomato."
Leader of the Dwarf Lovers Association. Join today here!
You can also just edit the first post.
[Taken from a stream]
DM: You hear a crunching noise...
Player1: Was that his toe?
DM: You hear two crunching noises...
===========================
Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
Current D&D Characters:
Kromen Flintfist, Hill Dwarf Order of the Scribes Wizard/Armorer Artificer
Eiphrok, Half-Orc Oath of Glory Paladin/Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer
Fire Genasi: “I cast Vortex Warp on the fleeing sailor. They need to make a Constitution saving throw.”
GM: “Alright…(rolls)…they fail. Refresh my memory; what does that spell do again…?”
Fire Genasi: “Well, they are now about 90ft away from the docks, and are now in the water.”
(later)
GM: “As your ship sails away from the harbor; you see the sailor that was teleported frantically swimming in the harbor. Fins are circling around him.”
Fire Genasi: (points) “Someone save that man!”
Sea Elf: (dives off the ship into the water) “Got it…!”
Fire Genasi: (waits a few seconds) “GM, is the sailor willing to be saved…?”
GM: “He’s currently being mauled by sharks…so yes.”
Fire Genasi: (snaps fingers) “I cast Vortex Warp on the sailor; and bring him on deck.”
(bloodied sailor teleports onto the ship; bleeding heavily from a bite wound on his shoulder)
Fire Genasi: “Welcome back!”
GM: “Alright…your Sea Elf friend just dived in, and is still in the water.”
Sea Elf: (surrounded by the sharks, frantically looking for the injured sailor) “I don’t see him anywhere…!!”
Fire Genasi: (grimaces) “The sea claims another innocent soul.”
GM: “Both you and the Fighter are hanging off the sides of the floating lighthouse when it pauses in the air, and…”
(takes beer bottle for a visual demonstration; and proceeds to mime bashing it on either side down onto the table)