Hek looks at the situation for a bit, then takes advantage of the commotion to go cook the guard.

the cave is cold, but you start feeling very hot. You have the sudden urge to take of your clothes.

Me to to the DM: “WHY THE F*CK DID YOU KILL MY HORSE?”

DM to me: because it’s illegal to ride a horse IN LA WITHOUT A F*UCKING PERMIT

Cleric: "I left you alone for 5 MINUTES!"
Monk: "Oh look, the huge tent's on fire now too"
Artificer: "Technically that was (Warlock), not me."
Warlock: "Actually it was the rhino. I was just riding it."

*Tent noisily falls over and gives in to the flames as the animals they had freed from inside start running rampant through the market*

A few good quotes from a few good games:

Me (Bard): Thildanthil's all for a bit of rest, but only after he can clean himself of the hooker's juices.
Also me: ...Don't take that out of context.

Me, OOC: Yup, even the smallest things can end up pushing someone over in the end.
DM: True. ...Oh, you meant about dice rolls. Yeah, those too.

Warlock: Nielen anxiously halts a respectful distance away. He is eager to enter the church and find Katrina, but the man speaking to Ireena has the look of nobility... being a commoner himself, Nielen has absolutely zero interest in interrupting the private affairs of the ruling elite.
Me (Artificer): Ys confidently halts right in front of them. He is eager to enter the church and find Katrina, but the man speaking to Ireena has the look of nobility... being a commoner himself, Ys has absolutely zero interest in respecting the private affairs of the ruling elite.

Sorcerer: *Casts fireball*
Me (DM): A random bear with a forest ranger hat walks by and growls something.
Sorcerer: *Rolls damage*
Me (DM): Four of the five abyssal wretches immediately explode, but the first avoids all of it. He just stops, drops, and rolls.

Me (Bard), talking to a copy of myself who's Lawful instead of Chaotic (via Deck of Many Things): I can't turn down such a pretty face... Even if it does hide serious brain damage.
Copy: My face is fine! And so is my brain!
Me: Exactly what someone with brain damage would say. Assuming it didn't effect the part responsible for speech...

DM: Behind the iron bars is a closed wooden door with an iron frame and a locking mechanism. Nothing can bee seen or heard from behind the door. Upon closer inspection, you notice the lock is too rusted to pick.
Me, OOC: I push to see if its hinges are as rusted as the lock. *Rolls a 5*
DM: The door will not budge despite your best effort. It seems heavily rusted shut and doubtful anyone has opened it in a long time.
Me: Hmm... Bomb time?
Rogue: No. No bomb.
Me: Fine. But I better get to use this bomb today!

Whoa, is this a pug sighting???? 👀

Context for this one: there is an NPC called Chuka, on whom our fighter swore revenge.

DM: "You see a house with a sign saying 'Chaka's House.'"
Fighter: "I use Produce Flame to burn the house.
DM: "I said 'Chaka,' not 'Chuka.'"
Fighter: "I rewind reality and do not burn the house."

Fighter: "How big is he?"
DM: "He is large."
Fighter (Giantslayer): "LET'S GOOOOOOO" *pulls out hammer*

Chaka: "It is in the Frostfell."
Fighter: "Is it cold?"
Chaka: "It's called the Frostfell, and you're asking me if it's cold?"
Fighter: "Yes! I'm not taking any chances."

"Ah seyuhd: hahp in dah pouhtal." *pulls out guns*
(This one wasn't from this campaign, but it was too good to leave out.)

DM: "It's magical snowshoe stuff; don't question it."

Barbarian: "Is there anyone here willing to deliver a yak?"

Barbarian: "I ─ I'm a goliath! I'm related to you more closely than any of these randos! Just ─ please, Mr. Frost Giant, put me down!"
Frost Giant: "DADA SAY NO COUSIN."
Barbarian: "I'm ─ I'm your third cousin ninth removed!"

Barbarian (OOC): "I want the frost giant's magical snowshoes."
DM (OOC): "They're a bit big for you."
Barbarian (OOC): "I don't care, I can grow into them!"

Barbarian: "JUST BECOME A YAK SO WE CAN SKIN YOU AND FINISH THIS GODDAMN QUEST!"

Barbarian: "Try to make the fight as boring as possible so they sue the ringmaster!"
Cleric: "Okay, I take out a deck of cards and invite the ice mephits to play Bridge with us."

James (the other DM): "What if there was a sword that, instead of dealing slashing damage, dealt emotional damage?"
Barbarian: *thinks for a moment* "I would have vulnerability to that."

Cleric (OOC, explaining what a Kenken is): "It's like comparing Luffy at the start of the season to Taiko, where Luffy is sudoku and Taiko is Kenken."

Cleric: *sighs* "Just smash 'em. We don't wanna fight."

Fighter: "My hammer is a vacuum! It makes sense."

Fighter: "They're feeding you to the water god? Then drink some oil! If we pollute the elemental king of water, we can escape!"

DM: "He can customize your berries."

“I throw mimic flesh at him”

Context: caveman campaign, 4th level, Barbarian and wizard are traveling to investigate a thing (the rogue bailed), I roll a random encounter and they get jumped by eight death dogs. I allow each a couple seconds to do something before rolling initiative.

Barbarian as soon as he sees them: “I strap my shield to my arm, grab my greatclub from my back and utter a mighty roar as I go into a frenzied rage, preparing to go down gloriously.”

Wizard: “I run up to Barb, jam my staff through his loincloth, and cast levitate.”

"A little cannibalism never hurt anyone," my pumpkin-bodied character regarding the consumption of gourds

For context: Tilk is a Verdan wizard and Zorkar is a half-orc cleric.

Sir Cassandra: “I have been a knight for about 102 or so years…I’m just rounding.”
Jades: “Very impressive.”
Tilk: “That’s more than Zorkar here will live!”
Zorkar: “That is wrong. Half-orcs live for a long time. I’m bluffing.”
Tilk: “Pretty sad, you know. One of the only races that live shorter than humans.”
Zorkar: “No. Goblins.”
Tilk: “Yeah, well I’m not a goblin though. Ever heard of a verdan? We’re like upgraded goblins. Goblins but better.”
Zorkar: “No. Goblins are better.”
Tilk (in Zorkar's head, using telepathy): “Do they have telepathy?”
Zorkar: “They don’t need telepathy. What is Telepathy?”
Jades: “Pretty sure it’s what’s happening right now, since you just responded to nobody.”
Tilk: “I start laughing maniacally in Zorkar's head.”
Zorkar: starts swinging axe everywhere

“Quick, Get the Hag while its consuming gaseous alcohol!” I forgot the exact quote, but it was something similar to this, as the Hag was becoming drunk off of faerie dragon glitter.

*So we had just killed an adult acid dragon* 

*And we have 3 players, including me. We'll call them Bunny, Goliath, and Me*

Bunny: "I grab it's head" 

Goliath and Me: "How do you even do that?" 

Bunny: "I just grab it. I call dibs" 

Goliath: "Well I call dibs on the wings" 

Me: "Guess I'll have the legs"

Goliath: "And I want the neck!" 

Bunny: "No, the neck is part of the head." 

Goliath: "No its not!" 

Bunny: "Well, I get it when I get the head" 

Goliath: "No, you didn't specify! It's mine" 

Me: "I just kinda want some scales and some of the treasure hoard"

Bunny: "OH YEAH! I take all of the gold" 

DM: "Nope, you're gonna split it equally" 

Bunny: "Fine" 

Me: "Man we're such cliche adventurers" 

Goliath: "And we're rich because of it" 

Me: "True" 

*idk, it was more funny when it happened*

Not technically a campaign but a very bad and chaotic D&D musical I wrote:

- All I want to do is kill the people who think all I want to do is kill the people who think all I want to do is kill the people who think all I want to do is kill the people who think all I want to do is kill the people, and clearly that's not true (Chorus from the Tiefling warlock song)

Oh boy. Our friend group has a shared doc of weird things we say taken out of context, and I taught them how to play DND the other day. Our most recent additions to the doc consist of the following:

*muffled through the bathroom door* "YOU'RE SO SQUISHY!"

"BITE THE PHALANGES."

"[Druid] is the healer, [Barbarian] is the meat shield, and [Bard] is the dumb blond."

'You and I both have bloated egos'

'Merely bloated? No, my friend. My ego is at least twice the size of yours'

"you swing the bagpipes at the zombie horde... it appears to have dealt the final blow"

"no you cannot eat the gold, take 3 idiot damage"

"the power of Gangnam style flows through you"

"the demon turns to face you, an evil grin appearing on his face... "joe mama""

Quote from Tony1Adobe >>

Quote from JKCorfy >>

"I had an intelligence score of 1 a couple minutes ago and even I saw that coming."

 Love it. XD

Shame there isn’t a Wisdom-equivalent condition…a “Perception” line seems like it would get aching to be used.

 I hardly ever see anything and I saw that one coming...

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