(Autognome with no practical concept of currency)

Rogue: “You can’t just waltz into a tavern and give the bartender all your money for information…this time, show him one gold piece for each question you need answered…do NOT give them any more than three gold. See what they tell you.”

Autognome: “This is VERY helpful information!”

(later)

Autognome: “Proprietor! I require information…for currency!”

(shows the gold & asks question)

Bartender: “Yeah, I’ve seen them…but the location is a bit fuzzy. Maybe a bit more coin will help me remember…”

(Autognome looks at second gold coin, and places it on the counter)

Bartender: “He runs his operation out of the abandoned building across from the Crafter’s Corner.”

Autognome: “How many mercenaries does he have?”

(Autognome takes out third gold piece)

Autognome: (whispers) “No more than three…”

Bartender: “…what was that?”

Autognome: “Nothing!”

Bartender: “(takes gold)…he’s got about 11 mercenaries.”

Autognome: “It WORKS…! Thank you!”

(Autognome turns to leave; and all the thugs in the bar reveal weapons, blocking the exit)

Bartender: “Yeah…how’s about you just leave the rest of your gold here with us?”

(Autognome looks around; eyes turning red)

Autognome: “Monetary limit exceeded; engaging hostiles.”

(sets nearest thug on fire with laser beam)

(outside, the Rogue hears the screaming & groans)

said my fairy wizard when npc attempted to flirt with her

"Um... Sorry, I've got a guy back home. But I've got a stoat right here"

*rides away on stoat familiar*

I love the character who said this. Any questions for her?

Player 1: I cast Detect Insurance Fraud!!!

Rouge, who is very deep in debt: Wait, nononono-

DM: You detect overwhelming insurance fraud on *points to rouge 

"Maybe we should start stealing the children now."

For anyone who's played through wild beyond the witchlight, this may make sense. 

Quote from Dragon_Heir >>

"Maybe we should start stealing the children now."

For anyone who's played through wild beyond the witchlight, this may make sense. 

 To, like, trigger the rule?

Quote from PJtheARCHER >>

Quote from Nikoli_Goodfellow >>

The following is a brief summary of a session 0 with one person in particular

"You want to play Judas?"

"Yes."

"Pre last supper Judas?"

"Yes."

"You realize that means Jesus never died on the cross for our sins in this world."

 (are you a christian or you just know the story because like everyone does?)

 One of the first scenarios I ever played in actually. Done it three more times since then. 

Quote from BunniRabbi >>

Quote from Dragon_Heir >>

"Maybe we should start stealing the children now."

For anyone who's played through wild beyond the witchlight, this may make sense. 

 To, like, trigger the rule?

 We're helping Will. We did discuss making them vanish, but then we realized we didn't know where they went. 

My player once said: What do you mean the squawks are eating meagre rations of wheat and parrots? (They misheard You see an encampment of orcs, but they seem tired and starved, having nothing to eat except for some stringy meat and carrots.) 

(takes out battle map from a previous session)

”Ya know…this tomb…from an ancient civilization lost to time…has weirdly similar architecture to that inn we stayed in that one time.”

”Well, in this case, it’s more or less just the general layout.”

(closes eyes & waves hand) “My mystic power tells me that the bathroom is down the hall; to the right.”

”…is he right about that?”

“No!”

*The Playere killed a shapeshifting orc that tried to escape by turning into a pig but got killed before it can run*

Player 1 with the 10 intelligence " I want to eat it"

Player 2 the wizard "ARE YOU STUPID THATS LITERALLY AN ORC!"

Player 1 "No it looks like a pig."

Me the DM "Okay........(my mind so confused) roll a d20 (didn't remember the check at the time for poison)

Player 1 "10"

Me "You eat the pig/orc but forgot to put it on a fire and now your suffering from food poisoning roll a d6

Player 1 "6"

Me "your character is dead and your out of saves"

DM: 'an army of Goblins block your path and the Goblin king walks up willing to negotiate with you'

Me 'let's just give him what he wants no violence needed.'

Player 2 "I walk up to him and place my hand on his shoulder"

Me whispering to player 3 "finally he is being a pacifist"

Player 2 "And I kick him in his D**K

ME and Players 3 and 4 'NO WHY DID YOU JUST DO THAT!'

DM : ugh everyone roll for initiative

Me 'wait he still has the laser crystal'

Player 2 'I pull it out raise it in the air'

Me 'Yes later Goblins!'

player 2 'and smash it to the ground!'

DM 'THAT'S IT, A METEOR COMES DOWN AND SMASHES STRAIGHT INTO BARNELBY! DOING 500 DAMAGE!!'

Quote from Nikoli_Goodfellow >>

The following is a brief summary of a session 0 with one person in particular

"You want to play Judas?"

"Yes."

"Pre last supper Judas?"

"Yes."

"You realize that means Jesus never died on the cross for our sins in this world."

 LOL

Quote from Valhallagamin08 >>

DM: 'an army of Goblins block your path and the Goblin king walks up willing to negotiate with you'

Me 'let's just give him what he wants no violence needed.'

Player 2 "I walk up to him and place my hand on his shoulder"

Me whispering to player 3 "finally he is being a pacifist"

Player 2 "And I kick him in his D**K

ME and Players 3 and 4 'NO WHY DID YOU JUST DO THAT!'

DM : ugh everyone roll for initiative

Me 'wait he still has the laser crystal'

Player 2 'I pull it out raise it in the air'

Me 'Yes later Goblins!'

player 2 'and smash it to the ground!'

DM 'THAT'S IT, A METEOR COMES DOWN AND SMASHES STRAIGHT INTO BARNELBY! DOING 500 DAMAGE!!'

 When you push the DM to far

Quote from Princedg5678 >>

Quote from Valhallagamin08 >>

DM: 'an army of Goblins block your path and the Goblin king walks up willing to negotiate with you'

Me 'let's just give him what he wants no violence needed.'

Player 2 "I walk up to him and place my hand on his shoulder"

Me whispering to player 3 "finally he is being a pacifist"

Player 2 "And I kick him in his D**K

ME and Players 3 and 4 'NO WHY DID YOU JUST DO THAT!'

DM : ugh everyone roll for initiative

Me 'wait he still has the laser crystal'

Player 2 'I pull it out raise it in the air'

Me 'Yes later Goblins!'

player 2 'and smash it to the ground!'

DM 'THAT'S IT, A METEOR COMES DOWN AND SMASHES STRAIGHT INTO BARNELBY! DOING 500 DAMAGE!!'

 When you push the DM to far

I know right

During the downtime between adventures, I came to the DM in private with one hell of an idea, and, well, let's just say that the party was very confused. Context, I'm playing a human male Blood Hunter, Order of the Lycan. He's also got one hell of a Mexican accent and despite being one of the smartest guys in the room, always acts like he's slightly drunk because it throws potential enemies off. 

So one day, the party (consisting of a female gnome druid who's pretty much a crazy ankle-biter, a male dragonborn rogue who tries to follow the law but always gets the blame pinned on him because he's, well, a rogue, and a female tabaxi storm sorcerer who's fur sticks up with static electricity whenever she gets surprised, which is quite often) and I are chilling in an inn when I decide to go out late at night for a stroll, citing the need for "alchemical supplies". Party accepts this, and I go out with a bag of about 5gp. An hour later and I'm not back yet, they're starting to worry when I rock up with no supplies, the smell of beer all over me, bloodshot eyes, and the same bag, except with 10gp in it. 

A lot of questions happen, but I simply say it was "important business". They're used to my shenanigans, so they just roll with it. The next week rolls around, the same thing happens again. And the week after that. And the week after that again. Eventually they start to get suspicious, so the next time I go out, the dragonborn tails me with the gnome druid on his shoulder as an owl. I walk all the way to a tavern on the far side of town, which I go into. After about 15 minutes, the two go into the tavern and start looking for me. It doesn't take long before they go to the massive crowd surrounding one of the tables, loud laughter and cheering coming from them all.

The gnome and dragonborn try to push through, and eventually they see the scene of a lifetime: me in my weretiger form (Order of the Lycan, remember?), rolling around on the floor and purring loudly as one of the guys in the crowd holds a bag of catnip. If you hadn't figured it out yet, pretty much I was coming to the tavern and people would pay for the experience of this absolutely hilarious sight. Eventually I spot them and there's an awkward moment of silence.

Me: "Uhh, hey guys. It's not what it looks like-"

Dragonborn: "So this is what you do every week? You come here to basically get yourself stoned?!"

Gnome: "Why didn't you tell us??"

Dragonborn: "Agreed-"

Gnome: "This sure beats being cooped up in that stuffy old inn all day, gimme some of that stuff!"

Gnome proceeds to Wild Shape into a tiger and take some of the catnip too. It ends up with the dragonborn literally carrying us both by the scruff of our necks back to the inn after much complaint.

Tabaxi: "What happened?! And what's that smell?"

Dragonborn: "You're too innocent, you don't wanna know."

Moral of the story? There is none, except maybe for "don't let the weretiger develop a catnip addiction".

Fighter (OOC): "I would like to throw the rabbit, caber-toss style, over the walls and into the gnoll camp."

Barbarian (Also OOC): "Nah, if you wanna get the rabbit over that wall, you've gotta chuck it over. Like a football."

Wizard: "If you want, I do have Catapult prepared. Maybe I could-"

Rogue: "Catapult... That's it! Maybe we can use that wooden board I found, put the rabbit on one end, and Barbarian can jump on the other-"

Me (DM): "I don't even know what you all are trying to accomplish, but at this point, I'm just going along with it."

Quote from Former_Queen_Yvonne >>

(DM): "I don't even know what you all are trying to accomplish, but at this point, I'm just going along with it."

 Wouldn't make a bad t-shirt...

One of our players homebrewed some additional uses of the Ceremony spell, including this one;

Baby Shower. You target one or more neonates, granting them a protective blessing. Until the child's 1st birthday, they gain the ability to cast Misty Step without components, as a reaction, if doing so would allow them to move closer to a parent or guardian. 

... and we've pretty much been throwing baby showers for every little one we've come across. One of our players found she just couldn't remember the term 'baby shower' or 'ceremony' at one point, prompting this quote;

"Do the- the thing. The baby thing. The baby thing. You know what I mean. The ritual, spell, thing, you do. The only baby thing. Stop looking at me like that. You know what I mean. The bamph-baby thing. Make him bamph. Bamph that baby. Shut up. You know what I mean."

No one was talking.

Edit: For those interested: Ceremony (Revised)

I would have been on the floor.

"For the love of Tyr, you don't need to turn him into beef jerky!"