So i am a player in a group that meets a few times a month, normally for about 6 hours at a time.
However since my partner and I are expecting our first child and with work getting busier I am struggling to make the 6 hour sessions and normally end up having to leave after about 4 hours.
Does this make me a bad player?
I love the campaign and our group but I am finding I need to be fair to my partner especially seeing as we play in the evening as thats when we are free.
6 hours is a long time, even for something you're having fun doing! The most important thing here is to talk to the other players and the DM about it. It could be that cutting sessions down to 4 hours might be useful to others. Or they don't have a problem because you can at least be there for part of it, and probably have a sense of when you'll need to leave early. Bad players don't communicate or cooperate. As long as everyone at the table is doing that, then you're not being a bad player, even if your schedule isn't meshing with everyone else's as well as it used to.
When your child is born, you'll likely find you'll have even less time. That's fine - in fact, regardless of the kind of player you are if you can't prioritize time for your family you're arguably a shitty human being. That doesn't mean you should drop everything else, including D&D, but a proper balance is in order. Four hour game nights sounds like a pretty fair compromise to me, but talk it over with your group. As pocketmouse indicates, communication is important. If it's a good group, I expect you'll be able to come up with something that's agreeable for everyone involved.
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Want to start playing but don't have anyone to play with? You can try these options: [link].
My group meets every other week at my place for 4 hours per session (Usually about 3~3.5hr of play time). When one of the players gave birth, we postponed the sessions for a couple of weeks and then started up again at their house, so that they could have access to everything they need throughout the day.
D&D shouldn't be stressful. To parrot the others, communicate your needs to the group, and find a schedule that works for you. Catch burnout before it hits, and set yourself up to thrive.
i'm willing to bet the other players, once made aware of your joyous situation, will be more than happy to try and accommodate you. and if it's not possible to trim the time down, they'll at least be understanding and do their best to work with you. don't be afraid to communicate, these are your friends and i'm sure their responses will be good.
I think in fairness, as a player, if you know that you are going to be a parent and the baby is going to take up tons of your time (and trust me, having seen what my first nephew did to my sister and brother-in-law, it will), you should probably offer to withdraw from the campaign.
As a DM, I can tell you that it is a nightmare to never know if a player is going to be there or not, or for how long, and to have to worry about what you are going to do when the player is not there. Either it puts a burden on the DM, playing your character as an NPC or finding excuse after excuse why your character suddenly isn't there, or it puts a burden on the other players if one of them has to play your character for you.
My honest advice to you, then, is to tell them what is happening and offer to have your character leave the party until such time as you can commit to being regularly available again. Keep in mind that if this is anything like what happened to my sister, you're looking at rejoining them around the time the kid is in college. OK, that is a slight exaggeration, but not much... Kid 1 hit 4 years old and kid 2 was born, and now she had another infant, and then he got to 6 and the pandemic hit, and both kids were home a lot. So my sister is only now 12 years later, starting to think about having some time to herself again. And my brother-in-law as well, since they pretty well share the parenting.
Now, some people seem better about this than others, and I have friends who have been able to do things like game 1 night a week pretty regularly, even with a child. But it is super tough, and it is unfair to the rest of the game group to make them "hold a place for you" just in case you can make it one night for some of the time. If everyone else is making it each session for all 6 hours and you can only be there for 4, my honest advice is, withdraw.
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WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
To put this in perspective, I ran a beer league hockey team for a long time. You could drive to the rink, dress, play, shower, and drive home in 3 hours.
At least 5 guys over the course of the seasons had their first kid. To a man, they all said they could continue to play hockey, once a week, for 3 hours. None did.
Like Bio said, explain the situation, and prepare to quit the 1st week your child is born.
Your child and your partner should have priorities on your time. They are only little for a short time. Your friends will understand if you can't make it and D&D will still be around for when you do have time to play.
The BIG payoff is when you can teach your kid(s) how to play. It is totally worth the wait.
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"Sooner or later, your Players are going to smash your railroad into a sandbox."
-Vedexent
"real life is a super high CR."
-OboeLauren
"............anybody got any potatoes? We could drop a potato in each hole an' see which ones get viciously mauled by horrible monsters?"
Thanks for all the advice peeps. Having spoken with both the players and DM they are ok. As i leave them in control of my player with instructions on how i would expect them to behave its all gravy.
Seems i made a mountain out of a mole hill!
Just didnt want to be one of "those players" you hear of on the forums
Bring your baby to the session, give your partner a breather.
Our DM and his wife just had a baby not many months ago, we're still holding sessions and the baby is being taken care of during the session.
There are few things more selfish than bringing a newborn to a table. Try doing that in a high end restaurant and see what happens. I know of very few social situations where it is acceptable to bringing a baby to an event that requires the attention of the parents on something else. To suggest someone can DM well and deal with a newborn is ridiculous. Now, because this was your DM, I guess you and the other players are stuck.
When the baby starts to cry, who deals with it, and how? Do the parents feed the baby at the table? How are diaper changes dealt with? And don't say "diapers are changed when there is a break in the game.A newborn, ESPECIALLY the first born, dominate parents' lives.
Having spoken with both the players and DM they are ok. As i leave them in control of my player with instructions on how i would expect them to behave its all gravy.
Even though they have said they are OK with this, I personally will once again recommend against it. What happens when one of them makes a decision that gets your character killed? The person will feel terrible about it, no matter what you say. You are also requiring someone else to control both your character and theirs, which distracts them from their own character and lessens their ability to focus on their own PC, just to keep yours in the game. What happens when months go by and they start to resent it?
The graceful, and selfless, thing to do here is to bow out gracefully, now, while you can still RP the character going off on his/her/their own, and then agree to come back when empirical evidence has proven you able to do full sessions with your character in which you can give your table undivided attention.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
Bring your baby to the session, give your partner a breather.
Our DM and his wife just had a baby not many months ago, we're still holding sessions and the baby is being taken care of during the session.
There are few things more selfish than bringing a newborn to a table. Try doing that in a high end restaurant and see what happens. I know of very few social situations where it is acceptable to bringing a baby to an event that requires the attention of the parents on something else. To suggest someone can DM well and deal with a newborn is ridiculous. Now, because this was your DM, I guess you and the other players are stuck.
When the baby starts to cry, who deals with it, and how? Do the parents feed the baby at the table? How are diaper changes dealt with? And don't say "diapers are changed when there is a break in the game.A newborn, ESPECIALLY the first born, dominate parents' lives.
Can we dispense with passing judgment on people and groups we know nothing about already? Not to mention the ridiculously irrelevant hypotheticals (high end restaurants are not a fit environment for any of my groups' sessions, regardless of the presence of newborns).
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Want to start playing but don't have anyone to play with? You can try these options: [link].
Man, I am getting old, back when I was a Doc with the Marines, we would play 24 hours of D&D on the weekends, smoking, eating dominos pizza and drinking beer. Now I can barely play play fours hours without feeling exhausted. My how times have changed lol. Anyway congratulations on a new gamer in your family, kids are awesome.
Bring your baby to the session, give your partner a breather.
Our DM and his wife just had a baby not many months ago, we're still holding sessions and the baby is being taken care of during the session.
There are few things more selfish than bringing a newborn to a table. Try doing that in a high end restaurant and see what happens. I know of very few social situations where it is acceptable to bringing a baby to an event that requires the attention of the parents on something else. To suggest someone can DM well and deal with a newborn is ridiculous. Now, because this was your DM, I guess you and the other players are stuck.
When the baby starts to cry, who deals with it, and how? Do the parents feed the baby at the table? How are diaper changes dealt with? And don't say "diapers are changed when there is a break in the game.A newborn, ESPECIALLY the first born, dominate parents' lives.
Can we dispense with passing judgment on people and groups we know nothing about already? Not to mention the ridiculously irrelevant hypotheticals (high end restaurants are not a fit environment for any of my groups' sessions, regardless of the presence of newborns).
The OP said this: "Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated."
I am very bluntly telling them it is an awful idea.
Bring your baby to the session, give your partner a breather.
Our DM and his wife just had a baby not many months ago, we're still holding sessions and the baby is being taken care of during the session.
There are few things more selfish than bringing a newborn to a table. Try doing that in a high end restaurant and see what happens. I know of very few social situations where it is acceptable to bringing a baby to an event that requires the attention of the parents on something else. To suggest someone can DM well and deal with a newborn is ridiculous. Now, because this was your DM, I guess you and the other players are stuck.
When the baby starts to cry, who deals with it, and how? Do the parents feed the baby at the table? How are diaper changes dealt with? And don't say "diapers are changed when there is a break in the game.A newborn, ESPECIALLY the first born, dominate parents' lives.
Can we dispense with passing judgment on people and groups we know nothing about already? Not to mention the ridiculously irrelevant hypotheticals (high end restaurants are not a fit environment for any of my groups' sessions, regardless of the presence of newborns).
The OP said this: "Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated."
I am very bluntly telling them it is an awful idea.
By telling someone else their DM is being very selfish, despite what they're doing ostensibly not being an issue for their table.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Want to start playing but don't have anyone to play with? You can try these options: [link].
I think there is only one good suggestion and you already followed that: talk to your group and your partner.
Don't commit to anything you can't stick to, because small children eat up a lot of your free time.
But also don't let anyone make you drop a hobby that you love just because you have less time. Having a small child can be nerve wrecking and doing something you enjoy to recharge can benefit you, your partner, and your child. Just talk to everyone involved and be willing to adjust plans if things don't work out as expected.
I may not use his wording but I mostly agree with Vince.
This is the sort of thing that sounds like it will be OK when you are talking about it before it happens. 2 years later when the same person has missed every session but one in 2 years, and no sign of it letting up, and has missed 13 levels worth of the campaign, and someone else has had to play his character all that time... it may feel very different to the rest of the table.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
Yes, if you're not going to show up do NOT have somebody else run your PC or have the PC be a tag-along.
Don't worry about it, I'm fair certain that when you do get to play they'll just insert you as a guest star at the same average level as the rest of the party.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
"Sooner or later, your Players are going to smash your railroad into a sandbox."
-Vedexent
"real life is a super high CR."
-OboeLauren
"............anybody got any potatoes? We could drop a potato in each hole an' see which ones get viciously mauled by horrible monsters?"
-Ilyara Thundertale
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Evening hive mind,
So i am a player in a group that meets a few times a month, normally for about 6 hours at a time.
However since my partner and I are expecting our first child and with work getting busier I am struggling to make the 6 hour sessions and normally end up having to leave after about 4 hours.
Does this make me a bad player?
I love the campaign and our group but I am finding I need to be fair to my partner especially seeing as we play in the evening as thats when we are free.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thankyou
6 hours is a long time, even for something you're having fun doing! The most important thing here is to talk to the other players and the DM about it. It could be that cutting sessions down to 4 hours might be useful to others. Or they don't have a problem because you can at least be there for part of it, and probably have a sense of when you'll need to leave early. Bad players don't communicate or cooperate. As long as everyone at the table is doing that, then you're not being a bad player, even if your schedule isn't meshing with everyone else's as well as it used to.
Birgit | Shifter | Sorcerer | Dragonlords
Shayone | Hobgoblin | Sorcerer | Netherdeep
When your child is born, you'll likely find you'll have even less time. That's fine - in fact, regardless of the kind of player you are if you can't prioritize time for your family you're arguably a shitty human being. That doesn't mean you should drop everything else, including D&D, but a proper balance is in order. Four hour game nights sounds like a pretty fair compromise to me, but talk it over with your group. As pocketmouse indicates, communication is important. If it's a good group, I expect you'll be able to come up with something that's agreeable for everyone involved.
Want to start playing but don't have anyone to play with? You can try these options: [link].
My group meets every other week at my place for 4 hours per session (Usually about 3~3.5hr of play time). When one of the players gave birth, we postponed the sessions for a couple of weeks and then started up again at their house, so that they could have access to everything they need throughout the day.
D&D shouldn't be stressful. To parrot the others, communicate your needs to the group, and find a schedule that works for you. Catch burnout before it hits, and set yourself up to thrive.
i'm willing to bet the other players, once made aware of your joyous situation, will be more than happy to try and accommodate you. and if it's not possible to trim the time down, they'll at least be understanding and do their best to work with you. don't be afraid to communicate, these are your friends and i'm sure their responses will be good.
I think in fairness, as a player, if you know that you are going to be a parent and the baby is going to take up tons of your time (and trust me, having seen what my first nephew did to my sister and brother-in-law, it will), you should probably offer to withdraw from the campaign.
As a DM, I can tell you that it is a nightmare to never know if a player is going to be there or not, or for how long, and to have to worry about what you are going to do when the player is not there. Either it puts a burden on the DM, playing your character as an NPC or finding excuse after excuse why your character suddenly isn't there, or it puts a burden on the other players if one of them has to play your character for you.
My honest advice to you, then, is to tell them what is happening and offer to have your character leave the party until such time as you can commit to being regularly available again. Keep in mind that if this is anything like what happened to my sister, you're looking at rejoining them around the time the kid is in college. OK, that is a slight exaggeration, but not much... Kid 1 hit 4 years old and kid 2 was born, and now she had another infant, and then he got to 6 and the pandemic hit, and both kids were home a lot. So my sister is only now 12 years later, starting to think about having some time to herself again. And my brother-in-law as well, since they pretty well share the parenting.
Now, some people seem better about this than others, and I have friends who have been able to do things like game 1 night a week pretty regularly, even with a child. But it is super tough, and it is unfair to the rest of the game group to make them "hold a place for you" just in case you can make it one night for some of the time. If everyone else is making it each session for all 6 hours and you can only be there for 4, my honest advice is, withdraw.
WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
To put this in perspective, I ran a beer league hockey team for a long time. You could drive to the rink, dress, play, shower, and drive home in 3 hours.
At least 5 guys over the course of the seasons had their first kid. To a man, they all said they could continue to play hockey, once a week, for 3 hours. None did.
Like Bio said, explain the situation, and prepare to quit the 1st week your child is born.
Your child and your partner should have priorities on your time. They are only little for a short time. Your friends will understand if you can't make it and D&D will still be around for when you do have time to play.
The BIG payoff is when you can teach your kid(s) how to play. It is totally worth the wait.
"Sooner or later, your Players are going to smash your railroad into a sandbox."
-Vedexent
"real life is a super high CR."
-OboeLauren
"............anybody got any potatoes? We could drop a potato in each hole an' see which ones get viciously mauled by horrible monsters?"
-Ilyara Thundertale
Nope. Work, partner, and upcoming child are taking center stage. Allowing this makes you a good human being.
All things Lich - DM tips, tricks, and other creative shenanigans
Bring your baby to the session, give your partner a breather.
Our DM and his wife just had a baby not many months ago, we're still holding sessions and the baby is being taken care of during the session.
Altrazin Aghanes - Wizard/Fighter
Varpulis Windhowl - Fighter
Skolson Demjon - Cleric/Fighter
Thanks for all the advice peeps. Having spoken with both the players and DM they are ok. As i leave them in control of my player with instructions on how i would expect them to behave its all gravy.
Seems i made a mountain out of a mole hill!
Just didnt want to be one of "those players" you hear of on the forums
There are few things more selfish than bringing a newborn to a table. Try doing that in a high end restaurant and see what happens. I know of very few social situations where it is acceptable to bringing a baby to an event that requires the attention of the parents on something else. To suggest someone can DM well and deal with a newborn is ridiculous. Now, because this was your DM, I guess you and the other players are stuck.
When the baby starts to cry, who deals with it, and how? Do the parents feed the baby at the table? How are diaper changes dealt with? And don't say "diapers are changed when there is a break in the game.A newborn, ESPECIALLY the first born, dominate parents' lives.
Even though they have said they are OK with this, I personally will once again recommend against it. What happens when one of them makes a decision that gets your character killed? The person will feel terrible about it, no matter what you say. You are also requiring someone else to control both your character and theirs, which distracts them from their own character and lessens their ability to focus on their own PC, just to keep yours in the game. What happens when months go by and they start to resent it?
The graceful, and selfless, thing to do here is to bow out gracefully, now, while you can still RP the character going off on his/her/their own, and then agree to come back when empirical evidence has proven you able to do full sessions with your character in which you can give your table undivided attention.
WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
Can we dispense with passing judgment on people and groups we know nothing about already? Not to mention the ridiculously irrelevant hypotheticals (high end restaurants are not a fit environment for any of my groups' sessions, regardless of the presence of newborns).
Want to start playing but don't have anyone to play with? You can try these options: [link].
Man, I am getting old, back when I was a Doc with the Marines, we would play 24 hours of D&D on the weekends, smoking, eating dominos pizza and drinking beer. Now I can barely play play fours hours without feeling exhausted. My how times have changed lol. Anyway congratulations on a new gamer in your family, kids are awesome.
The OP said this: "Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated."
I am very bluntly telling them it is an awful idea.
By telling someone else their DM is being very selfish, despite what they're doing ostensibly not being an issue for their table.
Want to start playing but don't have anyone to play with? You can try these options: [link].
I think there is only one good suggestion and you already followed that: talk to your group and your partner.
Don't commit to anything you can't stick to, because small children eat up a lot of your free time.
But also don't let anyone make you drop a hobby that you love just because you have less time. Having a small child can be nerve wrecking and doing something you enjoy to recharge can benefit you, your partner, and your child. Just talk to everyone involved and be willing to adjust plans if things don't work out as expected.
I may not use his wording but I mostly agree with Vince.
This is the sort of thing that sounds like it will be OK when you are talking about it before it happens. 2 years later when the same person has missed every session but one in 2 years, and no sign of it letting up, and has missed 13 levels worth of the campaign, and someone else has had to play his character all that time... it may feel very different to the rest of the table.
WOTC lies. We know that WOTC lies. WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. We know that WOTC knows that we know that WOTC lies. And still they lie.
Because of the above (a paraphrase from Orwell) I no longer post to the forums -- PM me if you need help or anything.
Yes, if you're not going to show up do NOT have somebody else run your PC or have the PC be a tag-along.
Don't worry about it, I'm fair certain that when you do get to play they'll just insert you as a guest star at the same average level as the rest of the party.
"Sooner or later, your Players are going to smash your railroad into a sandbox."
-Vedexent
"real life is a super high CR."
-OboeLauren
"............anybody got any potatoes? We could drop a potato in each hole an' see which ones get viciously mauled by horrible monsters?"
-Ilyara Thundertale