As I walked in my players all gave me a look clearly noticing all the hair on my head was shaved off. They curiously asked “So what did you do today?”
I told them, “I stood in front of the sink looking at myself the same as I always do. My hair was making me crazy. I shaved my head feeling the edges of the path. Like a splinter in my brain I had to get it off. Usually I just rip it out mindlessly as my PTSD gets to much. Same with eyebrows and eyelashes. I pull them out in frustration or as a nervous reaction. It is subconscious. I finished up and ran my fingers through the stubble and used a paper towel to wipe the hair from the sink. I looked down at my hands as I ran the water and began to rinse and wipe the clippings off my arms. Only it wasn't clippings. I was looking down at. it was the blood and bile all over my hands and forearms. I was washing and wiping and every ounce of me knew it was just hair but that didn't matter. Something in my head wasn't willing to let go of that memory. I was lost and confused all over again. I looked myself in the face seeing the sweat on my forehead feeling my back tighten and ache just like it did. My breath was gone and I sat on the floor lost and crying. It took me a few minutes to regain control and fix my breathing using what I was taught. I got up off the floor and went on with the rest of my day.
Oh right, you asked "What did I do today?", I shaved my head today...”
They know me. Family and friends all. And in concern and sympathy they said “If you were in a rough place you could have cancelled. We understand.”
And I told them “Coming today was the reason I got out of bed. Amid the dice rolls and story was one of the only places I was at peace. Working through fighting orcs and dragons and double crossing Drow was where I felt safe enough to fight my own battle. Community and overcoming adversity and fighting on the side of good helped to heal a part of myself that I couldn’t when I was by myself. I told them I wouldn’t cancel because I was in a bad place, I came because I was in a bad place and I needed my party to help me through it. The people who can see the demons attacking me (depression, PTSD, anxiety, anger, rage) and instead of running, the picked sword and shield and bow and stood beside me.”
People aren't always comfortable and they may be scared of being judged. That doesn't mean they aren't in pain. Check on your brothers and sisters. This is a true story, and it’s part of my story. But I got help and I have people looking out for me. Not everyone can say that though so keep your eyes, ears and hearts open.The Hexblade beside you may be fighting more monsters than are just on the table. If you are in a bad place I urge you to get proper help and to love yourself enough to go through it. You are not alone and I want you to make it to the other side. And know there is a healing to be found in rolling some dice and fighting monsters with friends. Sometimes after fighting a beholder, depression isn’t as scary. And it’s easier to feel brave when you have a dragon familiar backing you up. Even if it is just a puppet. Stay healthy and don’t forget to love each other. And know you are not alone.
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Check out my Disabled & Dragons Youtube Channel for 5e Monster and Player Tactics. Helping the Disabled Community and Players and DM’s (both new and experienced) get into D&D. Plus there is a talking Dragon named Quill.
As I walked in my players all gave me a look clearly noticing all the hair on my head was shaved off. They curiously asked “So what did you do today?”
I told them, “I stood in front of the sink looking at myself the same as I always do. My hair was making me crazy. I shaved my head feeling the edges of the path. Like a splinter in my brain I had to get it off. Usually I just rip it out mindlessly as my PTSD gets to much. Same with eyebrows and eyelashes. I pull them out in frustration or as a nervous reaction. It is subconscious. I finished up and ran my fingers through the stubble and used a paper towel to wipe the hair from the sink. I looked down at my hands as I ran the water and began to rinse and wipe the clippings off my arms. Only it wasn't clippings. I was looking down at. it was the blood and bile all over my hands and forearms. I was washing and wiping and every ounce of me knew it was just hair but that didn't matter. Something in my head wasn't willing to let go of that memory. I was lost and confused all over again. I looked myself in the face seeing the sweat on my forehead feeling my back tighten and ache just like it did. My breath was gone and I sat on the floor lost and crying. It took me a few minutes to regain control and fix my breathing using what I was taught. I got up off the floor and went on with the rest of my day.
Oh right, you asked "What did I do today?", I shaved my head today...”
They know me. Family and friends all. And in concern and sympathy they said “If you were in a rough place you could have cancelled. We understand.”
And I told them “Coming today was the reason I got out of bed. Amid the dice rolls and story was one of the only places I was at peace. Working through fighting orcs and dragons and double crossing Drow was where I felt safe enough to fight my own battle. Community and overcoming adversity and fighting on the side of good helped to heal a part of myself that I couldn’t when I was by myself. I told them I wouldn’t cancel because I was in a bad place, I came because I was in a bad place and I needed my party to help me through it. The people who can see the demons attacking me (depression, PTSD, anxiety, anger, rage) and instead of running, the picked sword and shield and bow and stood beside me.”
People aren't always comfortable and they may be scared of being judged. That doesn't mean they aren't in pain. Check on your brothers and sisters. This is a true story, and it’s part of my story. But I got help and I have people looking out for me. Not everyone can say that though so keep your eyes, ears and hearts open.The Hexblade beside you may be fighting more monsters than are just on the table. If you are in a bad place I urge you to get proper help and to love yourself enough to go through it. You are not alone and I want you to make it to the other side. And know there is a healing to be found in rolling some dice and fighting monsters with friends. Sometimes after fighting a beholder, depression isn’t as scary. And it’s easier to feel brave when you have a dragon familiar backing you up. Even if it is just a puppet. Stay healthy and don’t forget to love each other. And know you are not alone.
Check out my Disabled & Dragons Youtube Channel for 5e Monster and Player Tactics. Helping the Disabled Community and Players and DM’s (both new and experienced) get into D&D. Plus there is a talking Dragon named Quill.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPPmyTI0tZ6nM-bzY0IG3ww