I'm DMing a campaign and one of my players (who is my girlfriend) has ADHD and Anxiety. Me and my fellow veteran players have been patient explaining the rules and how to play. However, every session we've done so far turns into a grind, especially in combat. For example, she can never remember to add her modifiers and gets confused between a D20 and a D12. I try to be patient but we started at level 1 and are at level 4 and I'm at my wits end. Have any of you dealt with players who are like this and how do you deal with them?
Depending on conditions, having different coloured dice for the different sizes might help. So that a particular colour is associated with d20, a different colour for d12, etc.
For the specific problem of not knowing which die is which, I second the idea of different colours for different dice. I got a pack of 6 sets of dice, each set a different colour, for £7 ($9). Swap each of the die so her set has a different colour for each die. When she forgets, you can just say "roll the blue one" rather than trying to physically hand it to her or "no, the other one, no the other other one...statistically, you should have picked the right one up by now...".
I don't have much experience with people with ADHD, but the key with anxious people is to make things simple, easy and clear. One of the triggers for them making mistakes is that they get anxious, which shuts down their reasoning abilities, so they make a mistake, which makes them more anxious...the key is to break that vicious cycle.
Make things as unmistakable as possible. Use instructions that are simple, clear and concise. Ones that she can still follow even when stressed. Things like "roll blue, add 4" work much better than "1d20+4" because it's more familiar (blue is easier to identify than d20, and the format is less jargony).
Keep things simple. Pick a class for her that is simple and repetitive. A Fighter tends to be good ("swing sword, roll, swing sword, roll, turn over"), ones with plenty of choice like a Wizard who needs the manual open in front of them to help choose their spells is terrible. Once she's done a few combats and seen how things work, she'll relax a bit and be less prone to making mistakes and learn better as well.
If you can, do a one-on-one run through, perhaps do a few combats, without the pressure of spectators. A few run-throughs will help her relax about the situation and be more confident.
Whatever you do, don't let anyone display frustration, impatience or boredom. That will increase her anxiety and make things even worse. She'll become stressed and her ability to learn will be further impaired. People at the table should show interest, patience and act as though they're enjoying it. Be encouraging.
I can't really help with the ADHD side of things, but the anxiety side is about making her feel comfortable, relaxed and welcome.
If you're not willing or able to to discuss in good faith, then don't be surprised if I don't respond, there are better things in life for me to do than humour you. This signature is that response.
if you can’t, then look at the character sheet and cut down on the dice she needs. Have a dice tray with the ones she needs to roll as her character and let her muck around with the other dice off to the side.
as DM know her character and apply the modifiers yourself or get a print out of the sheet and take a highlighter to the most used modifiers - again use different colors
last bit of advice; if she has a doctors care plan that involves medication, the plan must be followed before a session.
What class is she playing? If she is playing something that does not require a d12 (and most classes do not really need one), you could simply remove the dice from her dice set and not put her in a situation where she might need one. If she does need one, you could consider changing her weapon out for something that rolls 2d6 rather than 1d12--that changes damage odds, of course, but it also is going to increase the consistency of how much damage she does, which could make things a little easier.
Flash cards are also very helpful in situations like this, either with an ADHD player or a new player. The character sheet is large, complicated and covered in all kinds of numbers and subsections. Having the abilities be on notecards (better still if color coded) can make combat run a lot smoother. The notecard could have all the information needed on it. In big letters at the top, it could say something like "Action - Attack" then under that "Accuracy: 1d20 + [whatever the total modifier is]" and under that "Damage: [dice] + [total modifier] + [conditional modifiers for things like raging]."
The notecard system works best when there are not very many notecards (such as for a barbarian). Keeping these simple and well-organized, preferably color coded by type of action, is a lot easier to manage than a full character sheet. You can also encourage your player to place the cards in front of her during other players' turns in the order she intends to use the actions when her turn comes around. That gives her something physical to manipulate and fiddle around with during the downtime of other players' taking their turn, while also preparing her to move quickly on her own.
For many D&D participants, ADHD could be difficult to relate to because, if anything, many of us suffer with Attention Fixation Disorder (I made that up but I think it may regularly fit). We get anally fixated on details and contribute to forums like this one.
Not everyone is like us and sometimes they're very different.
People with ADHD can be:
inattentive
impulsive
both
While there's no magic wand with the underlying condition, people in this situation can work out/adopt coping strategies.
I'd consider making her character relevantly simple but superpowered. You can rig things to change anything you want by giving a great, Shazam or Gem of Cyttorak type magic item that could give any modification of powers appropriate. Talk to your girlfriend to see the kind of things she'd like and tailor something that will fit with the things she can focus on. Would a further gatekeeper role for sustaining other party members be good? Tank role? Anything else?
What are her strengths? What are her favourite fictional characters? What roles would suit and satisfy her? Can she fit in with and work with strategy while just getting mixed up with things like dice?
Celebrity D&D has often presented stronger characters for players that have had a harder time with the mechanics. This is the kind of model I'm thinking about. If other players are on board giving her a position where other characters defer to her might work. A character might have a mentoring responsibility from the state or something like that.
This isn't just for ADHD players but I'd say for everyone: TAKE AWAY THE CELLPHONES. In all seriousness; I have never seen something derail a session like someone checking their phone or messing with widgets on it or whatever.
First, think about the coping strategies she uses daily for school or work. Those can be translated to the table. Work with her. Ask her when she feels the most anxious, what she has trouble concentrating on and what you can do to ensure she has an easier time when it comes to combat, knowing which dice to use, etc.
Travis Willingham of Critical Role has ADHD. It might be worth checking out how he manages play at the table. I know he has fidget spinners and a stress ball to help him pay attention. He may have certain things written down to help him remember or he may rely on D&D Beyond. The other players actively help him but in a way that isn't obvious or condescending.
Do you allow computers or cell phones at the table? D&D Beyond has a dice roller and can automatically add her modifiers so she doesn't have to remember. You can roll from the character sheet so if she needs to make a skill check she can just click and the dice are rolled for her. That will not only speed up play but help her have more fun.
If not, different color dice are great. DMs Guild has character sheets that are good for neurodivergent players. If she is a caster, spell cards are great.
I second playing solo games with her.
As a side note. I'm sure she realizes you are at your wits end and its making her more nervous and uncomfortable. You said everyone is helping but it might be better to ask one player to sit next to her and help her when she needs it. If everyone chimes in with what she needs to do that can be overwhelming.
Use the online character sheets on DndBeyond, and let it do the math for them. Advantage? roll twice. Criticals? Roll twice (and remove the static modifier for them)
Have a player partner with them for actions. Most of the time, things slowed down was on their turn, and the paralysis that came with making a decision. As a DM, I have a list of other things to do, but finding a player to have them meta a little bit in between their turns, makes it less stressful.
Have any of you dealt with players who are like this and how do you deal with them?
Have I ever dealt with a significant other who was a player in my game? Well, I don't want to get too personal, but yes. How did I deal with her? With tremendous patience. Because she was my girlfriend and I never wanted to leave her with the impression that I thought she was intruding, or imposing or a chore or a burden. But these are the ramblings of an old man, probably not relevant to your situation.
If she would like some help, you two can think about how she learns best and find flow charts or a more intuitive character sheet. You can give her a dice set like the ones Wizards releases. The dice are all in styrofoam so label the slots in a gold paint marker and she can keep track. You can make sure she has her modifiers written down on her character sheet. Etc, etc.
I have, every now and then, had players who were into other aspects of the game than the dice rolling and combat. This might be the case with your new player. You veteran guys might embrace the opportunity to do some kinds of scenes you don't normally do, to bring out this new character's best.
As a side note. I'm sure she realizes you are at your wits end and its making her more nervous and uncomfortable. You said everyone is helping but it might be better to ask one player to sit next to her and help her when she needs it. If everyone chimes in with what she needs to do that can be overwhelming.
Also, this.
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I'm DMing a campaign and one of my players (who is my girlfriend) has ADHD and Anxiety. Me and my fellow veteran players have been patient explaining the rules and how to play. However, every session we've done so far turns into a grind, especially in combat. For example, she can never remember to add her modifiers and gets confused between a D20 and a D12. I try to be patient but we started at level 1 and are at level 4 and I'm at my wits end. Have any of you dealt with players who are like this and how do you deal with them?
Are you playing online or in person
Depending on conditions, having different coloured dice for the different sizes might help. So that a particular colour is associated with d20, a different colour for d12, etc.
In person.
For the specific problem of not knowing which die is which, I second the idea of different colours for different dice. I got a pack of 6 sets of dice, each set a different colour, for £7 ($9). Swap each of the die so her set has a different colour for each die. When she forgets, you can just say "roll the blue one" rather than trying to physically hand it to her or "no, the other one, no the other other one...statistically, you should have picked the right one up by now...".
I don't have much experience with people with ADHD, but the key with anxious people is to make things simple, easy and clear. One of the triggers for them making mistakes is that they get anxious, which shuts down their reasoning abilities, so they make a mistake, which makes them more anxious...the key is to break that vicious cycle.
Make things as unmistakable as possible. Use instructions that are simple, clear and concise. Ones that she can still follow even when stressed. Things like "roll blue, add 4" work much better than "1d20+4" because it's more familiar (blue is easier to identify than d20, and the format is less jargony).
Keep things simple. Pick a class for her that is simple and repetitive. A Fighter tends to be good ("swing sword, roll, swing sword, roll, turn over"), ones with plenty of choice like a Wizard who needs the manual open in front of them to help choose their spells is terrible. Once she's done a few combats and seen how things work, she'll relax a bit and be less prone to making mistakes and learn better as well.
If you can, do a one-on-one run through, perhaps do a few combats, without the pressure of spectators. A few run-throughs will help her relax about the situation and be more confident.
Whatever you do, don't let anyone display frustration, impatience or boredom. That will increase her anxiety and make things even worse. She'll become stressed and her ability to learn will be further impaired. People at the table should show interest, patience and act as though they're enjoying it. Be encouraging.
I can't really help with the ADHD side of things, but the anxiety side is about making her feel comfortable, relaxed and welcome.
If you're not willing or able to to discuss in good faith, then don't be surprised if I don't respond, there are better things in life for me to do than humour you. This signature is that response.
Color dice is a brilliant idea
if you can’t, then look at the character sheet and cut down on the dice she needs. Have a dice tray with the ones she needs to roll as her character and let her muck around with the other dice off to the side.
as DM know her character and apply the modifiers yourself or get a print out of the sheet and take a highlighter to the most used modifiers - again use different colors
last bit of advice; if she has a doctors care plan that involves medication, the plan must be followed before a session.
What class is she playing? If she is playing something that does not require a d12 (and most classes do not really need one), you could simply remove the dice from her dice set and not put her in a situation where she might need one. If she does need one, you could consider changing her weapon out for something that rolls 2d6 rather than 1d12--that changes damage odds, of course, but it also is going to increase the consistency of how much damage she does, which could make things a little easier.
Flash cards are also very helpful in situations like this, either with an ADHD player or a new player. The character sheet is large, complicated and covered in all kinds of numbers and subsections. Having the abilities be on notecards (better still if color coded) can make combat run a lot smoother. The notecard could have all the information needed on it. In big letters at the top, it could say something like "Action - Attack" then under that "Accuracy: 1d20 + [whatever the total modifier is]" and under that "Damage: [dice] + [total modifier] + [conditional modifiers for things like raging]."
The notecard system works best when there are not very many notecards (such as for a barbarian). Keeping these simple and well-organized, preferably color coded by type of action, is a lot easier to manage than a full character sheet. You can also encourage your player to place the cards in front of her during other players' turns in the order she intends to use the actions when her turn comes around. That gives her something physical to manipulate and fiddle around with during the downtime of other players' taking their turn, while also preparing her to move quickly on her own.
For many D&D participants, ADHD could be difficult to relate to because, if anything, many of us suffer with Attention Fixation Disorder (I made that up but I think it may regularly fit). We get anally fixated on details and contribute to forums like this one.
Not everyone is like us and sometimes they're very different.
People with ADHD can be:
While there's no magic wand with the underlying condition, people in this situation can work out/adopt coping strategies.
I'd consider making her character relevantly simple but superpowered. You can rig things to change anything you want by giving a great, Shazam or Gem of Cyttorak type magic item that could give any modification of powers appropriate. Talk to your girlfriend to see the kind of things she'd like and tailor something that will fit with the things she can focus on. Would a further gatekeeper role for sustaining other party members be good? Tank role? Anything else?
What are her strengths? What are her favourite fictional characters? What roles would suit and satisfy her? Can she fit in with and work with strategy while just getting mixed up with things like dice?
Celebrity D&D has often presented stronger characters for players that have had a harder time with the mechanics. This is the kind of model I'm thinking about. If other players are on board giving her a position where other characters defer to her might work. A character might have a mentoring responsibility from the state or something like that.
This isn't just for ADHD players but I'd say for everyone: TAKE AWAY THE CELLPHONES. In all seriousness; I have never seen something derail a session like someone checking their phone or messing with widgets on it or whatever.
First, think about the coping strategies she uses daily for school or work. Those can be translated to the table. Work with her. Ask her when she feels the most anxious, what she has trouble concentrating on and what you can do to ensure she has an easier time when it comes to combat, knowing which dice to use, etc.
Travis Willingham of Critical Role has ADHD. It might be worth checking out how he manages play at the table. I know he has fidget spinners and a stress ball to help him pay attention. He may have certain things written down to help him remember or he may rely on D&D Beyond. The other players actively help him but in a way that isn't obvious or condescending.
Do you allow computers or cell phones at the table? D&D Beyond has a dice roller and can automatically add her modifiers so she doesn't have to remember. You can roll from the character sheet so if she needs to make a skill check she can just click and the dice are rolled for her. That will not only speed up play but help her have more fun.
If not, different color dice are great. DMs Guild has character sheets that are good for neurodivergent players. If she is a caster, spell cards are great.
I second playing solo games with her.
As a side note. I'm sure she realizes you are at your wits end and its making her more nervous and uncomfortable. You said everyone is helping but it might be better to ask one player to sit next to her and help her when she needs it. If everyone chimes in with what she needs to do that can be overwhelming.
So two suggestions:
Otherwise, patience is certainly the key here.
Only things I can think to add is you could try using only averages for damage rolls. It is certainly faster.
And/Or... you could try turning attack rolls into saves instead. It takes away some player agency, but if it takes some stress off of the player...
Have I ever dealt with a significant other who was a player in my game? Well, I don't want to get too personal, but yes. How did I deal with her? With tremendous patience. Because she was my girlfriend and I never wanted to leave her with the impression that I thought she was intruding, or imposing or a chore or a burden. But these are the ramblings of an old man, probably not relevant to your situation.
If she would like some help, you two can think about how she learns best and find flow charts or a more intuitive character sheet. You can give her a dice set like the ones Wizards releases. The dice are all in styrofoam so label the slots in a gold paint marker and she can keep track. You can make sure she has her modifiers written down on her character sheet. Etc, etc.
I have, every now and then, had players who were into other aspects of the game than the dice rolling and combat. This might be the case with your new player. You veteran guys might embrace the opportunity to do some kinds of scenes you don't normally do, to bring out this new character's best.
Also, this.