I've had two sets of problem players in the game that I'm DMing. The first set I dealt with quite quickly being as their problems were mainly just not having their game notes/character sheets open at the start of the game which held the game up whilst they had to sort through files on their computers to find said files. I pulled them both aside and gave them a warning and everything has been fine with them ever since. Until I started having major issues from the other two in my group. Besides being flat hateful to the other players which I have warned them multiple times about, they have now decided that they are going to start telling me what their characters are going to do some of which I've flat out banned before the game ever even started (i.e. having their character have a sexual relationship/encounter with another character/NPC). I've tried to pull each of them aside by themselves and tell them that I am not going to allow this behavior and they've both agreed to it when it's just me and that player talking one on one but as soon as we jump back into the game they go right back to what they were doing/talking about before as if what I said went through one ear and right out the other.
My question is: How exactly would you all as DM's take care of this without risking losing friendships over this? I mean it's just a game but it's making the other players extremely uncomfortable and causing them to start to dread even being in the game. So do I go full out sadistic DM and figure out a way for their characters to always be apart and when they start complaining tell them they've been warned several times or do I issue one more warning?
it's simple. you've warned them before, now follow through. I would, however, take the discussion you've been having one on one into the group. make it clear what type of game the group is going to agree to, so that, when someone deviates, it's not because you are 'laying down the law', but because this is against the whole group. if you think you're risking friendships, well, you can be friends with people not in your game, which is entirely better than losing friends because they were in the game. hopefully it doesn't have to come to that, but if it's simply a disagreement about a game, don't make the game the reason why a friendship ended.
Time to bite the bullet and shut them down at the table rather than one on one. Kudos for going that route first, it was the right thing to do. It's going to be hard, it's not easy to confront someone else's bad behavior publicly.
But I encourage you to do it. Be matter of fact about it, call out the behaviour as not acceptable in this game and move on. Don't have a discussion or debate. As uncomfortable as you will be, the player causing the situation should feel more uncomfortable. It should stop them pretty quickly, and you will be saving friendships that the players are already damaging.
Tell the players as calmly and politely as you can (by which I mean try not to sound mad at them) that because they don't want the same things from the gaming experience that you do (they want to behave the way they hand, and you want that to be off limits) it would be best if, for the sake of being able to stay friends, you not play this game together any more.
I say that because my experience is that problem players such as you describe are either a) already not your friends and not at all concerned with whether you get to have fun playing the game or not, or b) going to cease being your friend if you try to address this out-of-character issue with in-character consequences because they will view the situation as "I was just playing my character, man... but you're being a jerk." or the like.
If everyone is dreading the game, then everyone probably has an opinion on what they would like to see to fix this. Next session, make it a discussion forum. Have some snacks and drinks ready to keep the mood light, and explain that you'd like to take some time to figure out what everyone would like to see improved in the game. Mention that you feel like the vibe feels like it's going sour, and that you've had complaints about disagreeable play styles. Remind everyone that the game isn't fun unless it's fun for all, and perhaps we can come to a suitable compromise for all players.
Sex and romance doesn't belong in every campaign, but "rolling for seduction" is a classic trope in TTRPGs. Your player may be acting out because they don't think that what they're doing is unreasonable, and maybe they feel like if they show you how funny it will be, everyone will come around. If they see an overwhelming majority of the party is not comfortable with the romance in the campaign, then perhaps the odd-out will see reason and settle back in line. Or, inversely, perhaps the group likes the saucy banter but doesn't want to undermine your rules, since it's your game, and therefore the awkwardness is coming from being placed between a rock and a hard spot. At that point, you can discuss game ratings. Anything beyond PG rated happens "off camera" so to speak. So, if two characters decide to hook up, their "encounter" remains strictly implied, so that you can remain comfortable with running your campaign.
Let the group spitball their ideas, and see if something clever comes up. Giving them a vote in this will help them feel like their thoughts and feelings about this situation are valid, and they'll be less likely to drop out or ghost. It will also give them more ownership in the campaign, and you might notice more solidarity towards maintaining a healthy game environment. A discussion like this may take a while, even the entire session. Don't let it run off the rails, though. Let it take as long as it needs to, but keep it focused and on point towards resolving the issue that day. If possible, try to run a short session after the fact, so that the group mentality returns to playing together, which will allow the session to end on a high note. Awkward group meetings are awkward. And a week to stew on that can be toxic. Keep the session light, short and fun (maybe a small dungeon with a stupid amount of loot) to remind everyone of why they play together.
And lastly, try not to keep the options too black and white. You'll get better results somewhere in the gray, anyway.
If everyone is dreading the game, then everyone probably has an opinion on what they would like to see to fix this. Next session, make it a discussion forum. Have some snacks and drinks ready to keep the mood light, and explain that you'd like to take some time to figure out what everyone would like to see improved in the game. Mention that you feel like the vibe feels like it's going sour, and that you've had complaints about disagreeable play styles. Remind everyone that the game isn't fun unless it's fun for all, and perhaps we can come to a suitable compromise for all players.
Sex and romance doesn't belong in every campaign, but "rolling for seduction" is a classic trope in TTRPGs. Your player may be acting out because they don't think that what they're doing is unreasonable, and maybe they feel like if they show you how funny it will be, everyone will come around. If they see an overwhelming majority of the party is not comfortable with the romance in the campaign, then perhaps the odd-out will see reason and settle back in line. Or, inversely, perhaps the group likes the saucy banter but doesn't want to undermine your rules, since it's your game, and therefore the awkwardness is coming from being placed between a rock and a hard spot. At that point, you can discuss game ratings. Anything beyond PG rated happens "off camera" so to speak. So, if two characters decide to hook up, their "encounter" remains strictly implied, so that you can remain comfortable with running your campaign.
Let the group spitball their ideas, and see if something clever comes up. Giving them a vote in this will help them feel like their thoughts and feelings about this situation are valid, and they'll be less likely to drop out or ghost. It will also give them more ownership in the campaign, and you might notice more solidarity towards maintaining a healthy game environment. A discussion like this may take a while, even the entire session. Don't let it run off the rails, though. Let it take as long as it needs to, but keep it focused and on point towards resolving the issue that day. If possible, try to run a short session after the fact, so that the group mentality returns to playing together, which will allow the session to end on a high note. Awkward group meetings are awkward. And a week to stew on that can be toxic. Keep the session light, short and fun (maybe a small dungeon with a stupid amount of loot) to remind everyone of why they play together.
And lastly, try not to keep the options too black and white. You'll get better results somewhere in the gray, anyway.
Bounce them from the table, invite them to miss a few sessions and take a break.... hell, volunteer to quit as DM and offer to let someone else run the campaign. Do not make the next random character that they try to seduce a doppleganger or chromatic dragon in disguise to "prove that you are serious." It won't work. Chances are that this is the exact response that they are looking for, and they won't learn a darn thing.
I had something happen in my campaign that was similar (some misogynist comments and sexualizing other PCs). We also play D&D encounters in a games store, so though we have 5 regulars, people often drop in and it felt important to make sure that anyone could feel comfortable playing at our table.
I created a list of table norms basically:
- be respectful - anyone should feel welcome at this table. No racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, etc.
- share the spotlight -
- Be here - Put away your candycrush/ pixel dungeon/ etc. Games are fun when everyone's having fun. That's why we do this every week.
- assume goodwill - it's easier to know peoples boundaries when you know each other well, assume they didn't mean to offend you...BUT...let 'em know so they won't do it again.
- let people know if they cross a boundary and respect their boundaries.
We discussed what each one looked and sounded like for us, and went on with the game. A few times when a player felt like a boundary was crossed, they pointed to the norms and a brief explanation was all that was needed, the player that crossed the line shared that they hadn't realized that was a boundary for the other and everyone moved on and had a great time.
I was kind of worried it might feel too "rule-y" but it seemed appreciated and it's something that's posted on the table when we play.
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I've had two sets of problem players in the game that I'm DMing. The first set I dealt with quite quickly being as their problems were mainly just not having their game notes/character sheets open at the start of the game which held the game up whilst they had to sort through files on their computers to find said files. I pulled them both aside and gave them a warning and everything has been fine with them ever since. Until I started having major issues from the other two in my group. Besides being flat hateful to the other players which I have warned them multiple times about, they have now decided that they are going to start telling me what their characters are going to do some of which I've flat out banned before the game ever even started (i.e. having their character have a sexual relationship/encounter with another character/NPC). I've tried to pull each of them aside by themselves and tell them that I am not going to allow this behavior and they've both agreed to it when it's just me and that player talking one on one but as soon as we jump back into the game they go right back to what they were doing/talking about before as if what I said went through one ear and right out the other.
My question is: How exactly would you all as DM's take care of this without risking losing friendships over this? I mean it's just a game but it's making the other players extremely uncomfortable and causing them to start to dread even being in the game. So do I go full out sadistic DM and figure out a way for their characters to always be apart and when they start complaining tell them they've been warned several times or do I issue one more warning?
it's simple. you've warned them before, now follow through. I would, however, take the discussion you've been having one on one into the group. make it clear what type of game the group is going to agree to, so that, when someone deviates, it's not because you are 'laying down the law', but because this is against the whole group. if you think you're risking friendships, well, you can be friends with people not in your game, which is entirely better than losing friends because they were in the game. hopefully it doesn't have to come to that, but if it's simply a disagreement about a game, don't make the game the reason why a friendship ended.
Time to bite the bullet and shut them down at the table rather than one on one. Kudos for going that route first, it was the right thing to do. It's going to be hard, it's not easy to confront someone else's bad behavior publicly.
But I encourage you to do it. Be matter of fact about it, call out the behaviour as not acceptable in this game and move on. Don't have a discussion or debate. As uncomfortable as you will be, the player causing the situation should feel more uncomfortable. It should stop them pretty quickly, and you will be saving friendships that the players are already damaging.
Your poll is missing the option I would select.
Tell the players as calmly and politely as you can (by which I mean try not to sound mad at them) that because they don't want the same things from the gaming experience that you do (they want to behave the way they hand, and you want that to be off limits) it would be best if, for the sake of being able to stay friends, you not play this game together any more.
I say that because my experience is that problem players such as you describe are either a) already not your friends and not at all concerned with whether you get to have fun playing the game or not, or b) going to cease being your friend if you try to address this out-of-character issue with in-character consequences because they will view the situation as "I was just playing my character, man... but you're being a jerk." or the like.
As a DM there are many things you can do,
I dought they are wearing armour, so a swarm of rats can eat body parts, making sex difficult/impossible.
STDs could be hard to recover from.
How about a more democratic solution?
If everyone is dreading the game, then everyone probably has an opinion on what they would like to see to fix this. Next session, make it a discussion forum. Have some snacks and drinks ready to keep the mood light, and explain that you'd like to take some time to figure out what everyone would like to see improved in the game. Mention that you feel like the vibe feels like it's going sour, and that you've had complaints about disagreeable play styles. Remind everyone that the game isn't fun unless it's fun for all, and perhaps we can come to a suitable compromise for all players.
Sex and romance doesn't belong in every campaign, but "rolling for seduction" is a classic trope in TTRPGs. Your player may be acting out because they don't think that what they're doing is unreasonable, and maybe they feel like if they show you how funny it will be, everyone will come around. If they see an overwhelming majority of the party is not comfortable with the romance in the campaign, then perhaps the odd-out will see reason and settle back in line. Or, inversely, perhaps the group likes the saucy banter but doesn't want to undermine your rules, since it's your game, and therefore the awkwardness is coming from being placed between a rock and a hard spot. At that point, you can discuss game ratings. Anything beyond PG rated happens "off camera" so to speak. So, if two characters decide to hook up, their "encounter" remains strictly implied, so that you can remain comfortable with running your campaign.
Let the group spitball their ideas, and see if something clever comes up. Giving them a vote in this will help them feel like their thoughts and feelings about this situation are valid, and they'll be less likely to drop out or ghost. It will also give them more ownership in the campaign, and you might notice more solidarity towards maintaining a healthy game environment. A discussion like this may take a while, even the entire session. Don't let it run off the rails, though. Let it take as long as it needs to, but keep it focused and on point towards resolving the issue that day. If possible, try to run a short session after the fact, so that the group mentality returns to playing together, which will allow the session to end on a high note. Awkward group meetings are awkward. And a week to stew on that can be toxic. Keep the session light, short and fun (maybe a small dungeon with a stupid amount of loot) to remind everyone of why they play together.
And lastly, try not to keep the options too black and white. You'll get better results somewhere in the gray, anyway.
My DM Registry
My Campaigns:
Ibahalii Vriwhulth, the Reaper of Glory v2: IC Thread (PbP); Secrets of the Island (On Discord); Lost Mine of Phendelver (tabletop)
My Characters:
Krik-tul, Thri-kreen monk; Mme Cragmaw, Goblin Artificer; River Kuthraeann, Wood Elf Paladin
Don't punish out of game choices with in game mechanics.
Bounce them from the table, invite them to miss a few sessions and take a break.... hell, volunteer to quit as DM and offer to let someone else run the campaign. Do not make the next random character that they try to seduce a doppleganger or chromatic dragon in disguise to "prove that you are serious." It won't work. Chances are that this is the exact response that they are looking for, and they won't learn a darn thing.
I had something happen in my campaign that was similar (some misogynist comments and sexualizing other PCs). We also play D&D encounters in a games store, so though we have 5 regulars, people often drop in and it felt important to make sure that anyone could feel comfortable playing at our table.
I created a list of table norms basically:
- be respectful - anyone should feel welcome at this table. No racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, etc.
- share the spotlight -
- Be here - Put away your candycrush/ pixel dungeon/ etc. Games are fun when everyone's having fun. That's why we do this every week.
- assume goodwill - it's easier to know peoples boundaries when you know each other well, assume they didn't mean to offend you...BUT...let 'em know so they won't do it again.
- let people know if they cross a boundary and respect their boundaries.
We discussed what each one looked and sounded like for us, and went on with the game. A few times when a player felt like a boundary was crossed, they pointed to the norms and a brief explanation was all that was needed, the player that crossed the line shared that they hadn't realized that was a boundary for the other and everyone moved on and had a great time.
I was kind of worried it might feel too "rule-y" but it seemed appreciated and it's something that's posted on the table when we play.