So, we do a online session once a week. 6 players total. House rule dictates 2 absences cancels the session for the week. It’s been going on for 2 and a half years and about 6 months are more is by cancelations due to predominately two of the members. They have unique situations. One is full time school, the other, full time caretaker. However one of the two has a 50/50 chance to be seen playing another game the moment we cancel and the other just sleeps through alarms. A day later they always issue an apology and the remaining players rush to comfort their crocodile tears. Which is quite annoying.
Now, I’m not unreasonable I feel. Family sick, death, emergency, reasonable life events. All are valid reasons, but when you cancel every other time because
“I’m tired, I don’t feel good, I missed my alarm sorry! Lol”
gets rather annoying real quick for me, and this has been happening for 2 years +. Finally I blew up at the DM with my frustrations. He told me I didn’t understand what he’s going through, that these people have special mental issues and telling them one criticizing thing will end the friendship and it’s just a game.
I feel he has no steel in his spine to drop the hammer and call out consistently inconsiderate behavior. And hearing when you duck up from a friend has got to be less painful than the world I felt. Clearly I may need to find another table but I guess my questions is. Am I justified? Or am I too zealous for DnD, honestly I just want some respect for other peoples time to give some early heads up than to cancel 30min before it starts with your absence.
I don't think you're wrong to get upset by having this as such a constant problem, but I also know that there are some times where a person just has major difficulties that aren't obvious to outside observers. I know people who suffer from Depression, and I know that sometimes you just don't have control over your emotions or the ability to take on tasks that require major social interaction.
That said... it is hard to parse exactly why they're having the kind of trouble they do, but it is reasonable to find some kind of workaround. I honestly think that you might be better off setting up an "off" game for the rest of the players. So on those weeks where your trouble players aren't able to play, you could have a secondary campaign that the more reliable players can enjoy while putting the main campaign on pause. I'm sure if you volunteer to DM it yourself you'll get instant support, but if DM'ing isn't really your thing it could be harder to organize, since I'm not sure how much your current DM will be able to lead a full second campaign, even if they're using a pre-written Adventure.
Thanks for the feedback, I just can’t push out the feeling of catering to spoiled children. I try to keep there special issues in mind but how does one know the difference between “this is my issue causing this” and “this is me USEING my issue to get away with something”
how does one know the difference between “this is my issue causing this” and “this is me USEING my issue to get away with something”
One doesn't. Sometimes you just have to do the right thing even if it's possible you're taken advantage of.
Honestly, there's no way for us to advise you for this specific situation. It seems you don't even really know all the specifics, so us outsiders are really not in a place to say anything pertinent. That said, talking about what's bugging you in a civil manner should be generally applicable regardless of circumstances. It's ok to tell people you're having a problem how things have been going, as long as you bring it up in a way that isn't meant to attack others.
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Honestly, my thought to bring up. You have 6 players normally. If two can't make it? You still have 4 players.
Play that week then. If more than half a party is missing? Yeah, maybe cancel/run a 1-shot. But 2/3 of the party is there. I'd say the DM should run the session that week.
If I was one of those 4 players that show up week to week just to find it being canceled...the DM wouldn't have 6 players to worry about, they'd have 5 as I'd just apologize and say "sorry, I set aside this time to play, and to have it not happen, that's a waste of my time, your time, and the other 3 players time." If the DM doesn't/won't do anything about it...that's an issue.
The two people constantly missing the sessions are just being rude in my opinion. Especially the one you can see online playing some other game.
My advise would be to talk to your DM to change the rules on how many need to be missing before a session is canceled. And if the DM doesn't do that. Bow out and find another game. It sucks, but really what else can you do if the DM is hardfast about no game if 2 people are missing?
Aside from run your own game or such, but still, that's akin to finding another table.
Thanks for the feedback, I just can’t push out the feeling of catering to spoiled children. I try to keep there special issues in mind but how does one know the difference between “this is my issue causing this” and “this is me USEING my issue to get away with something”
You basically can't, and trying to determine it if you're not particularly close to them outside of D&D would be really hard, and possibly irresponsible to try and diagnose on your own.
It's one of those things where I feel like the risk of pushing the issue and learning you're wrong exceeds the value of being proven right. If you do confirm that they're just making excuses or trying to take advantage of misplaced empathy, they're still basically sticking to the accepted rules of your group despite being inconsiderate, but if you're wrong then you're harassing people with major emotional issues outside of their control and basically risk being seen as a bully.
Are they playing another D&D game online, or they're playing Fortnite or some such? If you have depression, D&D can be a very hard game to play. It's very social and if you're in a bad way, it puts pressure on all the wrong places. Games like Halo can be quite helpful. If they're playing with another (not previously declared) D&D group that's one thing, but most online games don't present the same problems for those with mental health issues that D&D does*.
* Yes, I know, for some people it helps. And that's great. For many, the intense social interaction between six people, even friends, for four hours just riles up anxiety and that can make it impossible to do. Everyone is unique and have their idiosyncratic remedies, but D&D for many could be a problem, not a help.
Anyway, whether they're taking advantage or not isn't really your concern. Maybe they are, maybe they're not. You (nor I or anyone else) know which, nor can we know. You could approach them, in a friendly way, and say that you care and are willing to help, if you can. You're someone that cares and you're willing to listen. If that's true, of course - if it's not, don't bother.
Beyond that, there are only four options:
1. You want it to work and have the patience to deal with the cancellations, so you suck it up, and continue.
2. Change the rules so that the game continues unless more than half the party is missing or something.
3. You want to continue, but want something to do on the cancelled evenings. Do one-shots, do a second campaign, paint minis, watch The Orville. Find something you can still do.
4. Decide that table isn't for you. Be polite, tell them that you find it hard with the cancellations etc and that it's just not working for you. Don't blame anyone, just say life is busy and with the cancellations, you can't prioritise this group any further. If you want, you can leave the door open and say that if it becomes more regular, you'd be happy to rejoin.
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Honestly, if I had poor, consistent attendance with 2 players within a table of 6, I would drop the two and plow ahead with 4.
That's the advice that would have been given in this thread too, overwhelming if the person said they were the DM.
I always find the social dynamic when a player stands up for their fun vs the DM standing up for the table to be an interesting one. If I had a player tell me multiple times they had missed their alarm and thats why we weren't playing? Sorry, you don't get to play. It's not fair for the rest of the table for you to hamper them, and if you do have some special considerations that have to be made? Then maybe you aren't a full time pc.
I don't think it's wrong of you to want to have a serious discussion with everyone at your table, your DM included, and lay it on the line. That you spend all week getting excited for this one day, that you can't wait to be there with your friends and when these interruptions keep happening it then causes you to not be happy. Then going, in that same line, askingwhat you or what the table can do to help them be more consistent because you want to spend that time with them, enjoy their company and play the game you love. Even if parts of that aren't true, the prose of that in that way defuses a lot of the inherent tension of "WHY YOU NO COME D&D I MAD", and hopefully sparks a conversation as to why people keep missing games.
At the end of the day, regardless of the different people at your table, you have to value yourself first. What are you willing to take on? What are you willing to discuss? How far outside of your wheelhouse are you willing to go to try and rectify it? If you can internalize those questions and bring the answers to them in a way that isn't threatening, off putting or accusatory? Your requests will go a lot further than "You are a piece of shit for wasting 25% of my weekly sessions this last year, kick rocks", even though that might be what you want to say.
Just tell them DM to play anyway with 4 players. Too many a times have sessions been canceled because of a single or two players being gone whilst everyone else was able to play and still had enough of a party to thrive.
From a DM's perspective on my end, I hate this so damn much. I've mostly just had people flake without a word or leave mid session. That's what always gets me, when someone takes a raincheck and doesn't even tell me they aren't coming or why (like, at least say "irl issues" or "work schedule stuff" or the like, being in the dark ain't fun). I once had someone play another game as we were playing a campaign they were supposed to be in. I kicked that player immediately after that. Like, same server, just different VCs. You could see us in the VC literally named "campaign session 2", I pinged all the players. And he still didn't ******* show up.
One of my campaigns I had to move the start time up an hour because ALL the players kept being a hour late. Eventually those players ship of Theseus'd themselves out of the group for schedule reasons and now everyone shows up at least at the same damn hour the game starts.
As others have suggested, try another table or running another game when this happens. I personally recommend joining a DnD oneshot discord server, as then you can get games when that happens (and as a bonus you actually manage to reach the higher levels of the game, wowie). Just pop in, pop out.
Thanks for the feedback, I just can’t push out the feeling of catering to spoiled children. I try to keep there special issues in mind but how does one know the difference between “this is my issue causing this” and “this is me USEING my issue to get away with something”
It’s important to remember you may not have all of the information. The players in question may have other issues they shared with the DM to explain their absence that they have chosen not to share with everyone else.
Definitely the adventure should be doable with 3 PCs instead of 5 PCs.
If it is the same two players each time, then the DM should be able to make sure that no long plot doesn't revolve around their 2 PCs being present (small plots that can be resolved within a single game session could be probably be managed).
I do agree that setting aside time for a game session, and then having it cancelled at the start time, does not make for a good gaming environment for when enough players do turn up.
Kind of disappointed there are no "nasty habbitses" jokes in this thread, to be honest
There's no right answer here, really. I'm in the "DM should still have a session even if two of six don't show up" camp, but maybe they don't have the extra time to make an entire secondary campaign for those nights, or even find one-shots they could use
The bottom line is the game should be fun for everyone involved. If someone in the group isn't having fun at all, or is finding they're more frustrated than entertained, that should prompt a group discussion to figure out if there's a path forward as a group that works for everyone
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Now, I’m not unreasonable I feel. Family sick, death, emergency, reasonable life events. All are valid reasons, but when you cancel every other time because
“I’m tired, I don’t feel good, I missed my alarm sorry! Lol”
I don't know the situation but as somebody who has had to sometimes cancel for similar reasons, perhaps my perspective might offer something. Obviously it might not apply but still.
So, sometimes I have gone days without sleep and on D&D day I end up passing out and at this point end up sleeping so deeply I sleep through the alarm I set. It's not intentional but it has happened a few times - I struggle with insomnia and results in this sometimes. Because my sleep is often out of whack my body is never properly rested and so I have a low immune system which makes me sick a lot, which in turn upsets whatever little form of sleep schedule I can muster.
It's a struggle I've had a very long time.
Even days where this isn't happening, I might struggle to have the mental focus or energy to play D&D. I have been battling depression for over 13 years now. There are days when just battling that takes so much out of me I have nothing left. And rarely there are days where I have struggled with ... bad ideas. It wasn't that long ago I was so tired of it that I had my suicide note written and everything planned out to end it. Sometimes D&D, a game, has to take a backseat to contending with mental health issues.
In the last year it has gotten rather bad, thanks to covid lockdown, a mental breakdown, my brother dying and my grandparents dying (and one was recent, I have my grandfather's funeral this Friday - I have already advised my DM that I might not have recovered from it by game night Sunday and might not be able to attend - he understood).
Sometimes people missing games due to "missing alarms" isn't the full story and may just be the result of something they are battling with that you don't know about. If the DM is unwilling to put pressure on it, that may be due to them knowing more about the situation than you. The same might even be the "playing other games" one. I'm guessing those are videogames? Videogames are easier to handle than social games like D&D. You don't have to be as engaged, you don't have to be so concerned about interactions and if you're in a negative headspace not having to worry you might snap or react wrong over small things can be a relief.
D&D is just a game. You have enough players to continue playing. There absences shouldn't impact you this much. So talk to the DM about keeping games open even if there's only 4 players (which is the recommended party size anyway) and move on. Maybe they're problem players, maybe they just don't prioritise D&D the same way you do, or maybe there are much more important other issues they are contending with that you don't know about. Whatever the reason, as long as your DM will keep the games going, it's not your concern, at the end of the day.
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I'm not saying that every single person in your vicinity is privy every single thing that leads up to why you are missing time. Perspective is key though. Since the OP isn't privy to SOME detail, it's fostered these feelings. I have to believe that if some of these reasons were brought to light, OP wouldn't have made this thread.
I'm not saying that every single person in your vicinity is privy every single thing that leads up to why you are missing time. Perspective is key though. Since the OP isn't privy to SOME detail, it's fostered these feelings. I have to believe that if some of these reasons were brought to light, OP wouldn't have made this thread.
My point was, if the game was still going ahead with 4 players then it would not be OP's concern. The actual reasons for the other players to not be present is never the OP's concern. It is between them and the DM. People have a right to keep their private stuff, well, private.
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Sure, they do. Until they put themselves in a situation where other people are depending on them to be reliable so that the thing they all agreed on can happen. Once that happens, the other people there are entitled to some knowledge of what's happening that is preventing them from doing the thing they all agreed on, so that they can make informed decisions and not knee jerk reactions. Keeping the other people in the dark about why someone is missing sessions is going to eventually create resentment. That will cause tables to implode. The OP is in resentment phase.
I'm not saying they get to know their entire medical history, or even honestly what they are dealing with in any sort of detail. "Death in the family, sorry guys" is more than sufficient. "I'm going through personal struggles I'd rather not discuss in detail" is fine too. Once the no shows become a point of contention, then a discussion gets to be had on how to handle it as a table. Do we just magic out these PCs like nothing happened and then they're magically there when they're back? Why do we have this conversation? So that the people feel like they have some sort of vested interest in the health and overall experience of their table.
The idea that they're only "accountable" to the DM is laughable to me, because that means that the people at the table don't care about each other. Sure, online relationships are easier to be flippant about but at the end, it's still 2.5 years. These are people you've talked to, shared stories, feelings and emotions with. I don't know about you, but I sure as shit wouldn't spend more than 4 outings with someone I hated, let alone 2.5 years doing something I loved.
In short, I vehemently disagree with that. Tables that make it a point to talk it out, have true conversations and discussions about these kind of things are better for it.
Just leave that game. That table is not meeting your needs. You are allowed to have your own personal feelings, I'm confused why you are asking a group of strangers if you are in the right for being angry. Of course you are allowed to be angry. Cancellations are almost always frustrating. Find a game with more stability and maintain your friendships instead.
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So, we do a online session once a week. 6 players total. House rule dictates 2 absences cancels the session for the week. It’s been going on for 2 and a half years and about 6 months are more is by cancelations due to predominately two of the members. They have unique situations. One is full time school, the other, full time caretaker. However one of the two has a 50/50 chance to be seen playing another game the moment we cancel and the other just sleeps through alarms. A day later they always issue an apology and the remaining players rush to comfort their crocodile tears. Which is quite annoying.
Now, I’m not unreasonable I feel. Family sick, death, emergency, reasonable life events. All are valid reasons, but when you cancel every other time because
“I’m tired, I don’t feel good, I missed my alarm sorry! Lol”
gets rather annoying real quick for me, and this has been happening for 2 years +. Finally I blew up at the DM with my frustrations. He told me I didn’t understand what he’s going through, that these people have special mental issues and telling them one criticizing thing will end the friendship and it’s just a game.
I feel he has no steel in his spine to drop the hammer and call out consistently inconsiderate behavior. And hearing when you duck up from a friend has got to be less painful than the world I felt. Clearly I may need to find another table but I guess my questions is. Am I justified? Or am I too zealous for DnD, honestly I just want some respect for other peoples time to give some early heads up than to cancel 30min before it starts with your absence.
thanks for any advice
I don't think you're wrong to get upset by having this as such a constant problem, but I also know that there are some times where a person just has major difficulties that aren't obvious to outside observers. I know people who suffer from Depression, and I know that sometimes you just don't have control over your emotions or the ability to take on tasks that require major social interaction.
That said... it is hard to parse exactly why they're having the kind of trouble they do, but it is reasonable to find some kind of workaround. I honestly think that you might be better off setting up an "off" game for the rest of the players. So on those weeks where your trouble players aren't able to play, you could have a secondary campaign that the more reliable players can enjoy while putting the main campaign on pause. I'm sure if you volunteer to DM it yourself you'll get instant support, but if DM'ing isn't really your thing it could be harder to organize, since I'm not sure how much your current DM will be able to lead a full second campaign, even if they're using a pre-written Adventure.
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Thanks for the feedback, I just can’t push out the feeling of catering to spoiled children. I try to keep there special issues in mind but how does one know the difference between “this is my issue causing this” and “this is me USEING my issue to get away with something”
One doesn't. Sometimes you just have to do the right thing even if it's possible you're taken advantage of.
Honestly, there's no way for us to advise you for this specific situation. It seems you don't even really know all the specifics, so us outsiders are really not in a place to say anything pertinent. That said, talking about what's bugging you in a civil manner should be generally applicable regardless of circumstances. It's ok to tell people you're having a problem how things have been going, as long as you bring it up in a way that isn't meant to attack others.
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Honestly, my thought to bring up. You have 6 players normally. If two can't make it? You still have 4 players.
Play that week then. If more than half a party is missing? Yeah, maybe cancel/run a 1-shot. But 2/3 of the party is there. I'd say the DM should run the session that week.
If I was one of those 4 players that show up week to week just to find it being canceled...the DM wouldn't have 6 players to worry about, they'd have 5 as I'd just apologize and say "sorry, I set aside this time to play, and to have it not happen, that's a waste of my time, your time, and the other 3 players time." If the DM doesn't/won't do anything about it...that's an issue.
The two people constantly missing the sessions are just being rude in my opinion. Especially the one you can see online playing some other game.
My advise would be to talk to your DM to change the rules on how many need to be missing before a session is canceled. And if the DM doesn't do that. Bow out and find another game.
It sucks, but really what else can you do if the DM is hardfast about no game if 2 people are missing?
Aside from run your own game or such, but still, that's akin to finding another table.
You basically can't, and trying to determine it if you're not particularly close to them outside of D&D would be really hard, and possibly irresponsible to try and diagnose on your own.
It's one of those things where I feel like the risk of pushing the issue and learning you're wrong exceeds the value of being proven right. If you do confirm that they're just making excuses or trying to take advantage of misplaced empathy, they're still basically sticking to the accepted rules of your group despite being inconsiderate, but if you're wrong then you're harassing people with major emotional issues outside of their control and basically risk being seen as a bully.
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Are they playing another D&D game online, or they're playing Fortnite or some such? If you have depression, D&D can be a very hard game to play. It's very social and if you're in a bad way, it puts pressure on all the wrong places. Games like Halo can be quite helpful. If they're playing with another (not previously declared) D&D group that's one thing, but most online games don't present the same problems for those with mental health issues that D&D does*.
* Yes, I know, for some people it helps. And that's great. For many, the intense social interaction between six people, even friends, for four hours just riles up anxiety and that can make it impossible to do. Everyone is unique and have their idiosyncratic remedies, but D&D for many could be a problem, not a help.
Anyway, whether they're taking advantage or not isn't really your concern. Maybe they are, maybe they're not. You (nor I or anyone else) know which, nor can we know. You could approach them, in a friendly way, and say that you care and are willing to help, if you can. You're someone that cares and you're willing to listen. If that's true, of course - if it's not, don't bother.
Beyond that, there are only four options:
1. You want it to work and have the patience to deal with the cancellations, so you suck it up, and continue.
2. Change the rules so that the game continues unless more than half the party is missing or something.
3. You want to continue, but want something to do on the cancelled evenings. Do one-shots, do a second campaign, paint minis, watch The Orville. Find something you can still do.
4. Decide that table isn't for you. Be polite, tell them that you find it hard with the cancellations etc and that it's just not working for you. Don't blame anyone, just say life is busy and with the cancellations, you can't prioritise this group any further. If you want, you can leave the door open and say that if it becomes more regular, you'd be happy to rejoin.
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Honestly, if I had poor, consistent attendance with 2 players within a table of 6, I would drop the two and plow ahead with 4.
That's the advice that would have been given in this thread too, overwhelming if the person said they were the DM.
I always find the social dynamic when a player stands up for their fun vs the DM standing up for the table to be an interesting one. If I had a player tell me multiple times they had missed their alarm and thats why we weren't playing? Sorry, you don't get to play. It's not fair for the rest of the table for you to hamper them, and if you do have some special considerations that have to be made? Then maybe you aren't a full time pc.
I don't think it's wrong of you to want to have a serious discussion with everyone at your table, your DM included, and lay it on the line. That you spend all week getting excited for this one day, that you can't wait to be there with your friends and when these interruptions keep happening it then causes you to not be happy. Then going, in that same line, askingwhat you or what the table can do to help them be more consistent because you want to spend that time with them, enjoy their company and play the game you love. Even if parts of that aren't true, the prose of that in that way defuses a lot of the inherent tension of "WHY YOU NO COME D&D I MAD", and hopefully sparks a conversation as to why people keep missing games.
At the end of the day, regardless of the different people at your table, you have to value yourself first. What are you willing to take on? What are you willing to discuss? How far outside of your wheelhouse are you willing to go to try and rectify it? If you can internalize those questions and bring the answers to them in a way that isn't threatening, off putting or accusatory? Your requests will go a lot further than "You are a piece of shit for wasting 25% of my weekly sessions this last year, kick rocks", even though that might be what you want to say.
Just tell them DM to play anyway with 4 players. Too many a times have sessions been canceled because of a single or two players being gone whilst everyone else was able to play and still had enough of a party to thrive.
From a DM's perspective on my end, I hate this so damn much. I've mostly just had people flake without a word or leave mid session. That's what always gets me, when someone takes a raincheck and doesn't even tell me they aren't coming or why (like, at least say "irl issues" or "work schedule stuff" or the like, being in the dark ain't fun). I once had someone play another game as we were playing a campaign they were supposed to be in. I kicked that player immediately after that. Like, same server, just different VCs. You could see us in the VC literally named "campaign session 2", I pinged all the players. And he still didn't ******* show up.
One of my campaigns I had to move the start time up an hour because ALL the players kept being a hour late. Eventually those players ship of Theseus'd themselves out of the group for schedule reasons and now everyone shows up at least at the same damn hour the game starts.
As others have suggested, try another table or running another game when this happens. I personally recommend joining a DnD oneshot discord server, as then you can get games when that happens (and as a bonus you actually manage to reach the higher levels of the game, wowie). Just pop in, pop out.
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It’s important to remember you may not have all of the information. The players in question may have other issues they shared with the DM to explain their absence that they have chosen not to share with everyone else.
Definitely the adventure should be doable with 3 PCs instead of 5 PCs.
If it is the same two players each time, then the DM should be able to make sure that no long plot doesn't revolve around their 2 PCs being present (small plots that can be resolved within a single game session could be probably be managed).
I do agree that setting aside time for a game session, and then having it cancelled at the start time, does not make for a good gaming environment for when enough players do turn up.
Thanks everyone, it’s great to get many perspectives on this
Kind of disappointed there are no "nasty habbitses" jokes in this thread, to be honest
There's no right answer here, really. I'm in the "DM should still have a session even if two of six don't show up" camp, but maybe they don't have the extra time to make an entire secondary campaign for those nights, or even find one-shots they could use
The bottom line is the game should be fun for everyone involved. If someone in the group isn't having fun at all, or is finding they're more frustrated than entertained, that should prompt a group discussion to figure out if there's a path forward as a group that works for everyone
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Xhekhetiel, halfling survivor of a Betrayer Gods cult (Runechild sorcerer/fighter)
I don't know the situation but as somebody who has had to sometimes cancel for similar reasons, perhaps my perspective might offer something. Obviously it might not apply but still.
So, sometimes I have gone days without sleep and on D&D day I end up passing out and at this point end up sleeping so deeply I sleep through the alarm I set. It's not intentional but it has happened a few times - I struggle with insomnia and results in this sometimes. Because my sleep is often out of whack my body is never properly rested and so I have a low immune system which makes me sick a lot, which in turn upsets whatever little form of sleep schedule I can muster.
It's a struggle I've had a very long time.
Even days where this isn't happening, I might struggle to have the mental focus or energy to play D&D. I have been battling depression for over 13 years now. There are days when just battling that takes so much out of me I have nothing left. And rarely there are days where I have struggled with ... bad ideas. It wasn't that long ago I was so tired of it that I had my suicide note written and everything planned out to end it. Sometimes D&D, a game, has to take a backseat to contending with mental health issues.
In the last year it has gotten rather bad, thanks to covid lockdown, a mental breakdown, my brother dying and my grandparents dying (and one was recent, I have my grandfather's funeral this Friday - I have already advised my DM that I might not have recovered from it by game night Sunday and might not be able to attend - he understood).
Sometimes people missing games due to "missing alarms" isn't the full story and may just be the result of something they are battling with that you don't know about. If the DM is unwilling to put pressure on it, that may be due to them knowing more about the situation than you. The same might even be the "playing other games" one. I'm guessing those are videogames? Videogames are easier to handle than social games like D&D. You don't have to be as engaged, you don't have to be so concerned about interactions and if you're in a negative headspace not having to worry you might snap or react wrong over small things can be a relief.
D&D is just a game. You have enough players to continue playing. There absences shouldn't impact you this much. So talk to the DM about keeping games open even if there's only 4 players (which is the recommended party size anyway) and move on. Maybe they're problem players, maybe they just don't prioritise D&D the same way you do, or maybe there are much more important other issues they are contending with that you don't know about. Whatever the reason, as long as your DM will keep the games going, it's not your concern, at the end of the day.
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It is the OPs concern, to a degree.
I'm not saying that every single person in your vicinity is privy every single thing that leads up to why you are missing time. Perspective is key though. Since the OP isn't privy to SOME detail, it's fostered these feelings. I have to believe that if some of these reasons were brought to light, OP wouldn't have made this thread.
My point was, if the game was still going ahead with 4 players then it would not be OP's concern. The actual reasons for the other players to not be present is never the OP's concern. It is between them and the DM. People have a right to keep their private stuff, well, private.
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Sure, they do. Until they put themselves in a situation where other people are depending on them to be reliable so that the thing they all agreed on can happen. Once that happens, the other people there are entitled to some knowledge of what's happening that is preventing them from doing the thing they all agreed on, so that they can make informed decisions and not knee jerk reactions. Keeping the other people in the dark about why someone is missing sessions is going to eventually create resentment. That will cause tables to implode. The OP is in resentment phase.
I'm not saying they get to know their entire medical history, or even honestly what they are dealing with in any sort of detail. "Death in the family, sorry guys" is more than sufficient. "I'm going through personal struggles I'd rather not discuss in detail" is fine too. Once the no shows become a point of contention, then a discussion gets to be had on how to handle it as a table. Do we just magic out these PCs like nothing happened and then they're magically there when they're back? Why do we have this conversation? So that the people feel like they have some sort of vested interest in the health and overall experience of their table.
The idea that they're only "accountable" to the DM is laughable to me, because that means that the people at the table don't care about each other. Sure, online relationships are easier to be flippant about but at the end, it's still 2.5 years. These are people you've talked to, shared stories, feelings and emotions with. I don't know about you, but I sure as shit wouldn't spend more than 4 outings with someone I hated, let alone 2.5 years doing something I loved.
In short, I vehemently disagree with that. Tables that make it a point to talk it out, have true conversations and discussions about these kind of things are better for it.
If the DM won't run the game with only two people missing, then offer to run a SMALL adventure in for the times that happens. Let the DM be a player.
Run a low prep module like Dragon of Icespire Peak.
Good luck!
Just leave that game. That table is not meeting your needs. You are allowed to have your own personal feelings, I'm confused why you are asking a group of strangers if you are in the right for being angry. Of course you are allowed to be angry. Cancellations are almost always frustrating. Find a game with more stability and maintain your friendships instead.