I wrote this out as the verbal elements of a ritual summoning spell. It is a summoning spell performed by a Wizard and is supposed to summon an ancient creature of vengeance into the world, but I am not sure that it is giving off the right feel.
Earth! I ask for your strength! Wind! I ask for your wisdom! Fire! I ask for your vitality! Water! I ask for your tenacity!
Gaurdians of the hidden gates, watch over me.
Earth, Guardian of the North Gate be sealed. Wind, Guardian of the East Gate be sealed. Fire, Guardian of the South Gate be sealed. Water, Guardian of the West Gate be sealed.
Goddess of the shining moon, horned hunter of the night, hear your child and work my will by magic rite.
I invoke thee, the Immortal Stars and by the power of my name, let the Five Stars; open wide the Celestial Gates and release the hordes of vengeance upon my enemies - for on this night and in this hour, I call upon you; Sahia Blood Queen of the red dawn, to destroy all who would see me undone.
Rip their flesh, shatter their bones and leave only ruins. Bathe in their blood and eat them alive.
Sahia, Queen of darkness, darkness so deep that it is bottomless, accept this sacrifice to your awe and your glory, Sahia Blood Queen, show my enemies your blessed wrath.
Rip deep into their succulent, warm flesh and devour their souls.
By the power of my authority - I open this circle and release the guardians from my command.
Water! I release your power from my circle! Fire! I release your power from my circle! Wind! I release your power from my circle! Earth! I release your power from my circle!
Hail unto thee, child of words, go now forth and my will be done!
The Wizard is not evil, but he is full of hatred and wrath, jealousy anger and rage and half mad with grief, and in his madness, summons this being into the world to help him destroy his enemies and get his revenge.
From the verbal components, does this theme get across, or does he just sound evil, sick and twisted?
I like the text. But thematically it reads as religious.
The last stanzas of "I release you from your circle" feels more on mark. Calling on the planes vs deities, or magical constructs, "With this circle I summon..." or phrases like "The bargain is struck"
That might be because I don't know who the blood queen is. If it's a fiend and not a god, it's a bargain or simple arcane power to pull them to the world.
If it is a goddess, you are planning a gate and compelling, not pleading or begging for divine assistance.
It see the pain in the "rip deep" phrase...But it it's sinister. Go for revenge instead directly.
100% opinion...I hope this is the type of critique you are looking for.
I like the text. But thematically it reads as religious.
The last stanzas of "I release you from your circle" feels more on mark. Calling on the planes vs deities, or magical constructs, "With this circle I summon..." or phrases like "The bargain is struck"
That might be because I don't know who the blood queen is. If it's a fiend and not a god, it's a bargain or simple arcane power to pull them to the world.
If it is a goddess, you are planning a gate and compelling, not pleading or begging for divine assistance.
It see the pain in the "rip deep" phrase...But it it's sinister. Go for revenge instead directly.
100% opinion...I hope this is the type of critique you are looking for.
There is no official "blood queen" in d&d lore, as far as I know. But, this being is ancient and powerful and has been around a very, very long time; and where not a God specifically, she certainly is powerful enough that the Gods leave her alone.
I was sort of imagining that Ao, didn't directly make this being a God but that she took a divine realm as her home and lives there, beyond the stars and claims the portfolios of jealousy, hatred, savagery and revenge; as being her own and over the aeons, has claimed and lost many other portfolios as well.
Also, the "blood queen" is not really her true form, rather it is the avatar of this being. When summoned, this being manifests as the "blood queen" because just like Pale Night, this beings true form is so monstrously hideous and alien to our reality, that one could say that she was "antilife".
The presence of her avatar on the prime material is bad enough. But this beings true form warps existence itself. It would break the minds of mortals and and cause even immortals to feel the pain of her presence.
Once the blood queen has been summoned, she will not stop until she has achieved the objectives for which she was summoned, and because the one to summon her must do so using the power their name, the summoner is bound to the fate of the blood queen, who enacts a terrible price.
Once you summon this being, you are no longer what you used to be, you are her property, her slave to use and play with as she sees fit and when finally you die, she claims your soul, so even in death, there is no escape from the torment.
Only those who are extremely desperate, or foolish, or have nothing else to lose, call upon the blood queen.
Fortunately, she is extremely hard to summon. Because her summoning ritual is her bargain, it must be exact, the wording and the actions and ritual itself must all be perfect. If you make the slightest mistake the bargain can not be stuck and she will not appear.
So that is how I was imagining this being, ancient and powerful and feared even by immortals - the antithesis of life itself. A being who lives in this reality, but comes from beyond it, in a similar way to how Obyrith come from behind this universe, the blood queen comes from beyond this reality.
All that being said, your critique has made me stop and think more about the wording that such a being would expect.
She is a being of immense power, that the summoner is trying to call forth, I think you are right - I don't think she would respond well to a whimpy wishy-washy begging kind of attitude.
Thinking more about her, it seems as though she would value strength and assertiveness, as those who burn with hatred and rage, are seldom submissive and begging.
That's great background. So with that you have options. From a position of strength, he could demand vengance that is rightfully his. Compell her to do his will. Another is a bargain of 'equals'. He has done X for her and now she MUST do Y. No matter the personal cost afterwards.
How she responds in return will be interesting as well based on your description. Because there is a clear consequence. Is being her slave a reward in her eyes, or a punishment for the temerity to even attempt it. Was she chained and this is a short release where her anger is directed at the wizards foes, and then wizard because she chained again?
Have fun with this...hopefully(?) Your wizard is worthy enough in the story...or the players are to stop one of them.
I wrote this out as the verbal elements of a ritual summoning spell. It is a summoning spell performed by a Wizard and is supposed to summon an ancient creature of vengeance into the world, but I am not sure that it is giving off the right feel.
The Wizard is not evil, but he is full of hatred and wrath, jealousy anger and rage and half mad with grief, and in his madness, summons this being into the world to help him destroy his enemies and get his revenge.
From the verbal components, does this theme get across, or does he just sound evil, sick and twisted?
A caffeinated nerd who has played TTRPGs or a number of years and is very much a fantasy adventure geek.
I like the text. But thematically it reads as religious.
The last stanzas of "I release you from your circle" feels more on mark. Calling on the planes vs deities, or magical constructs, "With this circle I summon..." or phrases like "The bargain is struck"
That might be because I don't know who the blood queen is. If it's a fiend and not a god, it's a bargain or simple arcane power to pull them to the world.
If it is a goddess, you are planning a gate and compelling, not pleading or begging for divine assistance.
It see the pain in the "rip deep" phrase...But it it's sinister. Go for revenge instead directly.
100% opinion...I hope this is the type of critique you are looking for.
There is no official "blood queen" in d&d lore, as far as I know. But, this being is ancient and powerful and has been around a very, very long time; and where not a God specifically, she certainly is powerful enough that the Gods leave her alone.
I was sort of imagining that Ao, didn't directly make this being a God but that she took a divine realm as her home and lives there, beyond the stars and claims the portfolios of jealousy, hatred, savagery and revenge; as being her own and over the aeons, has claimed and lost many other portfolios as well.
Also, the "blood queen" is not really her true form, rather it is the avatar of this being. When summoned, this being manifests as the "blood queen" because just like Pale Night, this beings true form is so monstrously hideous and alien to our reality, that one could say that she was "antilife".
The presence of her avatar on the prime material is bad enough. But this beings true form warps existence itself. It would break the minds of mortals and and cause even immortals to feel the pain of her presence.
Once the blood queen has been summoned, she will not stop until she has achieved the objectives for which she was summoned, and because the one to summon her must do so using the power their name, the summoner is bound to the fate of the blood queen, who enacts a terrible price.
Once you summon this being, you are no longer what you used to be, you are her property, her slave to use and play with as she sees fit and when finally you die, she claims your soul, so even in death, there is no escape from the torment.
Only those who are extremely desperate, or foolish, or have nothing else to lose, call upon the blood queen.
Fortunately, she is extremely hard to summon. Because her summoning ritual is her bargain, it must be exact, the wording and the actions and ritual itself must all be perfect. If you make the slightest mistake the bargain can not be stuck and she will not appear.
So that is how I was imagining this being, ancient and powerful and feared even by immortals - the antithesis of life itself. A being who lives in this reality, but comes from beyond it, in a similar way to how Obyrith come from behind this universe, the blood queen comes from beyond this reality.
All that being said, your critique has made me stop and think more about the wording that such a being would expect.
She is a being of immense power, that the summoner is trying to call forth, I think you are right - I don't think she would respond well to a whimpy wishy-washy begging kind of attitude.
Thinking more about her, it seems as though she would value strength and assertiveness, as those who burn with hatred and rage, are seldom submissive and begging.
A caffeinated nerd who has played TTRPGs or a number of years and is very much a fantasy adventure geek.
That's great background. So with that you have options. From a position of strength, he could demand vengance that is rightfully his. Compell her to do his will. Another is a bargain of 'equals'. He has done X for her and now she MUST do Y. No matter the personal cost afterwards.
How she responds in return will be interesting as well based on your description. Because there is a clear consequence. Is being her slave a reward in her eyes, or a punishment for the temerity to even attempt it. Was she chained and this is a short release where her anger is directed at the wizards foes, and then wizard because she chained again?
Have fun with this...hopefully(?) Your wizard is worthy enough in the story...or the players are to stop one of them.