Dungeons and Dragons is full of so much chaos and horror, wouldn’t it be nice if you could just hang up your sword and settle down in a hive-minded Utopia?
Well wish no more! There is a new race of beings you can look out for in Dungeons and Dragons, one that lives independently from the shackles of a corporeal form, and all you need to do to play one is lay down and let an NPC expectorate into your face holes.*
Imagine there’s an ancient staff that could summon enough food to feed an entire city, but it lies deep in a cave full of hostile and disgusting gnolls. Rather than kill the gnolls and ruin your perfectly nice set of knives, why not absorb them into an otherworldly commune and use the staff with them to achieve a constant, comforting warmth only deities should get to know.
The Nine Hells? They love gross stuff down there. Conquering those devils and demons will be as easy as a Simple Rick wafer.
Vecna? Please. He has a mouth hole (kinda), he’s not beyond hope.
So submit to Unity, and enjoy the satisfaction of your game ending with the Dungeon Master folding up his screen and saying “Well folks, you won Dungeons and Dragons!” If they’re a smart Dungeon Master they’ll say that, anyway.
*Warning: This will also effectively end a player’s ability to control anything the creature does and you have to get otherworldly magic throw-up in your character’s mouth.
Challenge Rating: Obey
If upon your travels you encounter a village or small settlement wherein all of the commonfolk have intense, yellow eyes you may be in luck! Your opportunity to taste godhood is only a brief submissive act away. Eat your phylactery out, liches!
Simply approach the nearest townsperson, ask a friendly question about joining their hivemind, and wait to see if they run away. I mean, it’s a weird thing to say to the wrong person. If they instead smile, you will likely have nothing left to endure in this difficult life other than a brief mouthful of brightly colored hive-bile being belched down your esophagus.
Oh, and if you have second thoughts there may be a brief period where the Unity collective shrieks, chases you down, and pins you before puking in your face. But other than that you’re all set!
Unity For Dungeon Masters
Unity is incredibly simple to run as a Dungeon Master, Narrator, or whatever you want to call your soon-to-be-outdated form of “running the game.” Just have everyone get assimilated, then everyone experiences godlike nirvana as the infection spreads across the inner, outer, and whatever planes! Put that game on auto-pilot, baby!
Okay, I might be oversimplifying. You want “numbers.” Sigh. I get it.
Unity is a genderless hivemind that spreads through bright yellow vomit ejected directly into the face of a new inductee. Sure, there may be a standard grappling and contested Strength check, and they may shriek for another nearby member of the collective to come and assist, but other than that it is a beautiful process!
Members of the hivemind do not have altered strength, so you know, maybe creatures can squirm away. Hard to imagine why they would though!
Simply have that lucky creature roll a DC 15 Constitution saving throw, to avoid swallowing a drop of the hive-haunted spew.
But if they do swallow it, no worries! They feel great now, or whatever Unity tells them to feel. The creature will be assigned menial tasks and live a commune-style life as they quietly attempt to spread across the entire plane.
Unity does like a low profile, though, so it is best to not flood an entire city with them just to imitate the plot of a certain television program. Perhaps just seed two Unity-folk into a small town, far apart from each other so it take a while for help to come running. Or maybe there’s a second, unusual-looking that lives in the hills because it arrived here on this plane through a mysterious portal.
Here’s a fun table, to decide what the puking will sound like:
1d6 |
The Sound |
1 |
“HURRRRK!” |
2 |
"BA-GLORRRK." |
3 |
"GUK-GLUKKK." |
4 |
"WHOOOOORF!” |
5 |
"BLAAAAARG-GHUUUUUGH!" |
6 |
"HUUUGK-UGK, excuse me oof, GLOOUGH!" |
And for any players reading this little segment, no, one of Unity’s host bodies will always be on another plane, so Unity cannot technically be defeated.
How To Technically Defeat Unity
Unity is chill. Unity doesn’t cause a fuss. Unity prefers everyone submit for their own best interests. There is no downside to sucking up that sweet, sweet townsperson bile.
There is of course one small loophole. Unity could potentially be seduced by an independently minded creature. One who recognizes their ultimate goal, but who is too pleased with their own megalomaniacal selves to submit to assimilation.
Should a creature be able to talk Unity into not just tolerating their independence, but becoming inebriated or otherwise distracted, they can be asked to make a DC 20 Charisma (Persuasion) check. This will cause Unity to pull their focus off their plans of inter-planar domination and into the orbit of this creature. This will cause 1d6 nearby possessions to fail (not including the host focused on the creature), and the formerly possessed person will rush to seek help from a nearby un-possessed authority figure.
So, that single creature will now be in something of a dire pact with Unity, but that should be enough for someone to at least try and toss Unity in jail. Good luck to the D&D cops on their saving throws.
But excuse me, I think I have distracted from the main point of this article: if a cloudy-eyed stranger asks you to sloppily kiss them in the name of world peace, do not judge them. Instead, consider what’s more important to you: world peace or your Tarrasque-sized ego?
And if all this ridiculousness took you to a happy, VR-limbo-like-place, you should probably start bracing yourself for the upcoming official Dungeons & Dragons VS Rick and Morty adventure.
Dan Telfer is the Dungeons Humorist aka Comedy Archmage for D&D Beyond (a fun way they are letting him say "writer"), dungeon master for the Nerd Poker podcast, a stand-up comedian, a TV writer who also helped win some Emmys over at Comedy Central, and a former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion. He can be found riding his bike around Los Angeles from gig to gig to gaming store, though the best way to find out what he's up to is to follow him on Twitter via @dantelfer.
I'm bad enough at real limbo (game) that I think VR Limbo (plane) would be even worse for me. I'll take withdrawing into my own, personal imagined happy-place, instead. 😁👍
Wubba lubba dub dub!
The comic book series of Rick and Morty Vs. D&D is so great. I cannot recommend it enough. Also happened to combine the two favorite things of a family member new to the game, who appreciated the signature Rick and Morty style take on the history of D&D. Kudos to everyone!
Wubba lubba dub duuuuuuub!!
-_- 👍
Wubba lubba dub duuuuuuub!!!!
Yes! I have all 4 of those comics one of which also have the black and white print!
I don't know, this Unity thing just seems like slavery with extra steps.
D&D Beyond subtlety encouraging alcoholism.
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SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!
I'm DND RIIIIICK
Wubba lubba dub dub
Such an important comment I got an email notification about it. #DMquotes? 😜
and i lol blourgh!!!!
I love Rick and Morty but reading this made no sense to me what so ever.
Some funny bits in there but no clue what its about.
This article is about the character Unity from the Rick and Morty episode auto-erotic assimilation.
https://rickandmorty.fandom.com/wiki/Auto_Erotic_Assimilation
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH IM PICKLE RICK
h
oh i pre-ordered it the second i saw it was gonna exist.... cant sell it twice, Rick.