New Rules For Warforged Everyone Should Hate

Tags comedy

Hey there adventurers! I love the recent addition of the warforged race and their additional lore provided in Eberron: Rising From The Last War, and since D&D Beyond provides me with a terrifying amount of freedom I thought the best way to show my appreciation for this carefully balanced player race is to add my own tweaks.

However, as the title of this piece suggests, you should hate all of my ideas. This is because I wrote them all under the following conditions:

  • I had not slept in 9 days.
  • The only food or drink I consumed in the last 9 days was cranberry-flavored Emergen-C sprinkled on leftover Thanksgiving pumpkin pie.
  • I was listening to the Diablo III soundtrack backwards on a loop.
  • According to my doctor I had an "amoeba whose large size is of historic scientific note" in my cranial cavity.
  • The amoeba insisted on creative control of the final draft.

Therefore I am required by the content team to use the above headline, implying I am about to instill hatred in my own ideas. Whether you agree with them or an amoeba-enhanced individual is entirely up to you.

Skin Material

 Previously, the armor-like warforged were made from stone, steel, and wood. This now includes deep-fried chicken. Some alchemists got sucked into that whole chicken sandwich war, and the final result was sentient chicken sandwiches. 

We know what you're thinking: this isn't funny, it's just strange. And maybe you don't even like chicken that much. Well too bad, it's very lucrative in corporate America right now to even write the phrase "chicken sandwich" on your website so that it will show up in a billion Google search results. So warforged are just part chicken now, and if by sheer coincidence any megacorporations would like to use this for cross-promotional purposes please get in touch with us.

Players may choose between crispy, buffalo, herbs and spices, and original recipe warforged.

Vegan players may choose between soy, almond, oat, or cashew based armor.

Additional Quirks

We thought you could use some more 1d8 quirks to choose from at character creation, so feel free to choose from the following.

d8 Quirk
1 You think you are missing an internal gear and compulsively eat pocket watches in the hopes of it resolving your deficiency.
2 You think every time someone says "Damn!" they are calling for someone named Dan.
3 You start beatboxing uncontrollably every time you hear a sick rhyme.
4 You think fedoras actually look good on you.
5 You think goblins taste like cilantro.
6 You whisper "resistance is futile" while hugging people, which you do as often as possible.
7 You were designed to mimic humanoid facial expressions, but like real-world robots designed for it, you are utterly terrifying and people use animated images of your weird mechanical face as magical meme fodder.
8 You collect and keep doves in your pockets and release them after your friends speak in order to drive home their points.

More Warforged Names

Still can't name your own warforged? Yeesh. Okay. Here you go.

More Warforged Names: Anchor, Bookend, Creep, Doorstop, Epipen, Fedora, Glow-up, Hotplate, Inkjet, Jujubee, Krusty, Luxembourg, Marzipan, Niacin, Onomatopoeia, Pzzzzzrpt, Quilt, Rectangle, Softshoe, Textile, Uvula, V-neck, Wingding, Professor Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, Yoshinoya, Zankou.

You Can Replace One Of Your Hands With What Is Basically Just A Chainsaw

To be used for trees and deadites zombies.

All Warforged Can Turn Into A Vehicle At Will 

 Players can choose between morphing into a war machine, a covered wagon, a keelboat, or a boombox.

Transforming takes the character's action, makes an "ee-aw-oo-ee" sound, and now the creature is a vehicle that other people can ride around in with the same AC and movement of that vehicle.

If players choose keelboats, they must roll a DC 20 Wisdom saving throw once per day, timing at the discretion of the dungeon master, and on a failed save they involuntarily turn into a boat while on land. This is because it's funny to see a useless boat in the middle of an inn or a battlefield. 

Also the warforged's face is still visible in a really awkward way, because let's be honest, it's too hard to hide that part and robot-y faces are cool to look at.

Additional Languages

You can now speak to inanimate objects. This should solve most puzzles, as you can now speak to their actual stone and steel parts to ask for the answers. Whew, finally, no more of those annoying puzzles! 

 

Dan Telfer is the Dungeons Humorist aka Comedy Archmage for D&D Beyond (a fun way they are letting him say "writer"), dungeon master for the Nerd Poker podcast, a stand-up comedian, a TV writer who also helped win some Emmys over at Comedy Central, and a former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion. He can be found riding his bike around Los Angeles from gig to gig to gaming store, though the best way to find out what he's up to is to follow him on Twitter via @dantelfer.

Comments

  • To post a comment, please or register a new account.
Posts Quoted:
Reply
Clear All Quotes