Let me give you an example. Ever played Monopoly? Most people play a pretty straight game. I usually cheat every chance that presents itself.
1st time: Did you catch me? Did you get upset, mad or just get all happy you caught me...figuring I wouldn't try again. Shame on me, right?
2nd time: Were you more aware that I was prone to cheating? Were you paying more attention? Did I make a mistake? Shame on you?
Usually at this point, the person will stop playing, ignore it or....starting trying to cheat as well.
3rd time: If the game is still going, cheating is now part of the game. Or the person won't feel terrible if they lose....because I cheated. Then you play a game without cheating at all & still win. People you're playing with will then assume I was cheating....because I won.
In this instance, alignments don't have anything to do with this as this guy is an admitted cheater and has consistently disrupted multiple games he has been in. This is a player problem, not an alignment problem, not a metagame problem, not a group problem, and not a DM problem.
I would have blown this guy out of the freakin' airlock a long time ago.
Absolutely, the only thing that surprises me is that he has any friends left to play games with Where I come from he would have been shown the door, and certainly not allowed into my home in any social gatherings in case he tried to steal my belongings.
If you steal from what ostensibly is party loot, i.e: things found in the dungeon that the Party braves and circumvents together or things found on the bosses and mobs that the Party slays together, then you're stealing from the party's time, effort, risks, and spent resources.
If you steal on your own time, when the party isn't involved in securing you the opportunity to steal or loot, then that is YOUR loot. The same should apply to every character. If three characters spend their down time carousing, and you spend your down time gambling and make a ton of money, the rest of the party has no right to that profit.
Any character or player who advocates a permanent wealth share for all accumulated treasures and items, only does so because they are either selfish, or they are working off of a primitive communist idealism.
It's just what my character does. I am a cannibal. Deal with it. Hey, why are are you guys attacking me?
If you want to play a character that is the enemy of the party, fine. Try to keep it secret for as long as possible and that means only doing things that will reveal the problem when it is worth it.
But otherwise, recognize the party will not and does not have to put up with that shit from a member. And do not be surprised if they turn on the player rather than the character.
Ultimately, character design is the choice of the player. If you design a character that will cause tension among other players (even if it's what the character would do, and you're role-playing accurately to that), that was your choice as a player to make that character. Other players have the right to be upset when certain rewards involved in the game are taken from them because of that choice. Game rewards aren't just for characters, they're for players. The player's needs are more important than the character's needs.
Why is meta gaming unacceptable and why is meta gaming in this particular event not only acceptable but enforced by various DMs?
I am not super fond of rules exceptions that happens abruptly (or whim calls to be honest).
HOWEVER, @Rhymer here, you are absolutely right. The Players well beings are more important than the Characters.
The rules, if need be, need to be stated at the beginning of the game. (ex: you guys are long time friends, they know you so well that any attempt to pick-pocket or fraud them will fail, because you know, familiarity (which does not imply the character can't TRY for shits and giggles)
Metagaming is acceptable if it involves knowledge the player has, not if the players do not have the information.
That is, you can't buy holy water because you can see a vampire on the cover of the module the DM sets up. Nor would a 1st level thief even know about holy water.
But there is nothing wrong with deciding to raise your wisdom if you are playing a cleric. That kind of metaggaming is fine.
Metagaming: When a player utilizes knowledge they (perhaps only assume) to possess in order to guide the actions of their characters.
Sometimes it's necessary because as a player, you want to avoid situations where you are likely to have your game ruined by losing a character/ an alliance/ a friend/ a co-player. Metagaming is an important thing when done responsibly, because it allows the actual people at the table to communicate about their needs as players. If everyone respects each other enough to do this, then metagaming can be good. It does however have a bad reputation because metagaming by definition, can be—and most famously is—used to exploit the game for selfish reasons that act antagonisticly to the point of a story-telling game. Metagaming has a habit of being used to deus ex machina one's way out of a bad situation that otherwise is intended to be a challenge with a big reward (tangible or emotional) to pay it off. Because it's antithetical to narrative design, it often feels like cheating, and in a lot of cases that's a justified response. Some people take the narrative side of the game very seriously, and dislike metagaming breaking their immersion.
But, sometimes it's important to metagame because not metagaming can permit the proliferation of bad behavior in the game, by players, and by extension their characters.
I've most recently been playing a chaotic neutral Bard who's very specifically more con-artist than musician, and a bit of a grifter, so if he can steal something he often will, or rather, would. Early on there were a few contentious moments when he found something nobody else did, and would simply pocket it for later, but I very purposefully didn't make a habit out of it doing it too often, and it was only for easily pocketable items.
For example, when investigating a warehouse the party split up to search it, and as the player who rolled the highest for Investigation, the DM had me find a pouch with 200g of gems in it, and I had my character pocket it for themselves, as it was just so obviously what he would have done. But later when the party decided we needed a cart and some horses, he very "generously" offered to pay for it (and made a big show about how generous he was being, because again, very in character).
Over time he's become a bit better at sharing with the group as he recognises the benefits of having others he can rely on etc., so while he'll still pocket stuff, it gets added to a note of valuables to be divided up later.
So really I'd say it comes down to there being a difference between playing in character, and just plain taking the piss. Other players are "wrong" to act vengefully in response to knowledge their characters don't have, but if you don't want them to do that then don't aggravate them, it's not that hard.
Former D&D Beyond Customer of six years: With the axing of piecemeal purchasing, lack of meaningful development, and toxic moderation the site isn't worth paying for anymore. I remain a free user only until my groups are done migrating from DDB, and if necessary D&D, after which I'm done. There are better systems owned by better companies out there.
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I just started / joined an on-line campaign via zoom and found that the private chat to the DM is great for rogues ... my little gnome rogue wanders off while the party is arguing and gets side intel. As far as a I know, the party doesn't know I'm sleuthing off on my own while they debate the best way to cut up trolls or ogres.
Unfortunately, when searching corpses on the battle field, our DM wasn't used to a rogues rogue ... as I messaged to pick pocket dead goblins for pocket change figuring the party wouldn't notice a few silver or copper going to a good charity or two. (Honest ... it is all for paying for tips, clues, and good rumours. You have to spend some money to make some money. Something our sorceress, paladin, and barbarian don't really appreciate.)
A table top version would be to encourage your party to also pass along notes. Sure, both notes and PMs when used too often can slow the pace of the game, but it makes it easier for those of us that like to play the little guys to do what we do best ... move straight to action, leaving the committee behind. ;)
My party has assigned our halfling bard to follow and watch me closely when it comes to clearing out rooms. Heck, I get assistance checks and somebody to help me out if something goes wrong ... and what gnome doesn't appreciate having a halfling bard around to help talk your way out of situations.
I just started / joined an on-line campaign via zoom and found that the private chat to the DM is great for rogues ... my little gnome rogue wanders off while the party is arguing and gets side intel. As far as a I know, the party doesn't know I'm sleuthing off on my own while they debate the best way to cut up trolls or ogres.
Unfortunately, when searching corpses on the battle field, our DM wasn't used to a rogues rogue ... as I messaged to pick pocket dead goblins for pocket change figuring the party wouldn't notice a few silver or copper going to a good charity or two. (Honest ... it is all for paying for tips, clues, and good rumours. You have to spend some money to make some money. Something our sorceress, paladin, and barbarian don't really appreciate.)
A table top version would be to encourage your party to also pass along notes. Sure, both notes and PMs when used too often can slow the pace of the game, but it makes it easier for those of us that like to play the little guys to do what we do best ... move straight to action, leaving the committee behind. ;)
This! You should have side conversations with the GM when you want to do anything you don't want the rest of the party to know about. Keeps everyone else from metagaming. Both my GM, and me when I GM, use this when one character can see something or perceives something the others can't. Basically, it works both way...so use it!
We use GTM where you can specify the recipient, but you can pass notes, text message, send them an email, etc., etc., etc.
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#OpenD&D #ORC
"...or you can find the secret tunnel that leads to the Vault of Dickish DM which is filled with 10,000,000 copper coins and a 5,000 pound solid gold statue of a middle finger that is too big to fit through the door."
The issue here is not the theft itself. The issue here is communication.
What you need is a way for an individual player to communicate with the DM without the other players knowing. I know Roll20 has the /whisper option, but we need a comparable system at the tabletop or on other forms of media. You and your DM need to establish a form of communication that will allow you to indicate to the DM that you will attempt to palm a gem from a chest, or to pick a pocket, etc, without alerting the other players. So when the players watch you open a chest they only see the pile of gold in the chest, not the pile of gold and the emerald and the rogue telling the DM that he's trying to steal the emerald.
That way the players won't get upset, because they won't even know it happened. Proper planning in communication will eliminate the metagaming problem. They'll just go on thinking everything's fair, until the party is in a town and needs something expensive but can't afford it and you just whip out this honkin' f*ckin' emerald and say, "Maybe this'll help." And they're all like, "Where the F did you get THAT???" And you just smile.
As for why you're stealing... well, you're a rogue. That's part of the job. But you should at least have an RP rationale for it. Maybe you're just chaotic and impulsive and can't help yourself. But maybe you're a lover of art and beauty, and you know the party will just pawn whatever treasure they find for coin, and sometimes you see a beautiful piece of art - like a gem or jewelry or whatever - and you just feel compelled to protect it, so it can be appreciated rather than just pawned. Or maybe you're secretly the one responsible person in the party and you know the other party members are sh*t at budgeting their income, so you feel the need to help the party by ensuring that you've got a bit of a nest egg set aside for a rainy day. For the party, of course. Yeah. Sure. "For the party". Honest.
Stealing isn't always an evil act. 24601 stole bread to feed a starving child. That was an act of mercy. The act itself, and its rationale, must sometimes be judged apart from the legal structures imposed upon it by society.
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Tayn of Darkwood. Lvl 10 human Life Cleric of Lathander. Retired.
Ikram Sahir ibn Malik al-Sayyid Ra'ad, Second Son of the House of Ra'ad, Defender of the Burning Sands. Lvl 9 Brass Dragonborn Sorcerer + Greater Fire Elemental Devil.
Viktor Gavriil. Lvl 20 White Dragonborn Grave Cleric, of Kurgan the God of Death.
The issue here is not the theft itself. The issue here is communication.
What you need is a way for an individual player to communicate with the DM without the other players knowing. I know Roll20 has the /whisper option, but we need a comparable system at the tabletop or on other forms of media. You and your DM need to establish a form of communication that will allow you to indicate to the DM that you will attempt to palm a gem from a chest, or to pick a pocket, etc, without alerting the other players. So when the players watch you open a chest they only see the pile of gold in the chest, not the pile of gold and the emerald and the rogue telling the DM that he's trying to steal the emerald.
That way the players won't get upset, because they won't even know it happened. Proper planning in communication will eliminate the metagaming problem. They'll just go on thinking everything's fair, until the party is in a town and needs something expensive but can't afford it and you just whip out this honkin' f*ckin' emerald and say, "Maybe this'll help." And they're all like, "Where the F did you get THAT???" And you just smile.
Secret messages will eliminate the metagaming problem, but keeping secrets can lead to all kinds of other problems unless you fix the rest of the communication problems.
Some people enjoy it when the group is working together for shared or at least compatible purposes. Other people enjoy it when people each have their own agenda, working at cross purposes at times. Some people will enjoy hearing about your character's thefts, even if it is effectively stolen from the party, others will get upset about it. Some people enjoy stories that they aren't part of, others can't help but metagame based on the information.
This is why a session zero is necessary, to find out what sort of things each person at the table enjoys/dislikes/etc.
Long story short, made a Rogue. Every single time I used Pick Pocket or Sleight of Hand everyone at the table would freak out.
"You're stealing!", they'd say.
Me, "Yes....that's kinda the point of Pick Pocket/Sleight of Hand".
"But you're stealing loot off NPCs and not telling us about it, keeping it for yourself", party members.
Me, "Well....yes. Since your character doesn't know about it....neither do you. You can't be mad about something you don't know about, didn't see happen."
"You're stealing from the party, that's an evil action!", party accusations fly.
"Stole from an NPC, palmed a gem from a chest (that I had to disarm & unlock), NEVER did I steal from the party. I stole...'pre-party' split. That isn't stealing from the party, just getting ''dibs'. Again, you have knowledge of what I did...but your characters do not.", me.
Later on, characters are loaning each other money (as needed) to buy magic items. "I could use a bit of gold to buy this nice magic hand crossbow that's available.", me. "No, you should have plenty of (stolen) money to buy what you need!?", meta-gaming party members.
(roll to pick pocket)
Long past your question, but the players are breaking the fourth wall which is a huge no-no. Responses here in the thread that seem to be centered on player agency are totally missing that point. I disagree with that line of reasoning too, but the larger issue is that the characters themselves would have no way of knowing about it, save through in-game mechanics and abilities. They, and individuals in this thread pushing agency are in fact removing yours; destroying your role playing experience.
So the characters probably shouldn't kick him out of the party (unless he's being an ahole in other more public ways), but the players could kick him out of the game if they wanted to. If he were in our group and persistently stealing from the party, he'd be history. By the way, "getting dibs" isn't getting dibs unless you tell everyone what you got and it comes out of your share. If it doesn't then your character is stealing from the party.
Ok as a DM, and having seen this happen at tables I have run I am going to put my spin on this situation.
First of all the Players should not use out of game knowledge to affect how their characters interact with you, that is meta gaming and does spoil the game. I also would never "fudge" a roll to have you caught.
It feels very much that you are playing DnD to try and win, your later answers don't really explain why your character is stealing like this. This is not a game of Monopoly, it is not something you cheat at. As a DM I would very much want to sit down with you, understand your characters motivation and background and then work with you to develop an arc that allows you to develop and grow as a character, making that move from someone who needs to horde and own everything because you have a fear of rejection, you have to have more then your fair share because you worry you won't be accepted for example. Then I would sit down with the players and explain, RenFaireMen's character is going to be a bit of a dick for a while, he will be trying to horde and keep loot for himself, he will pickpocket NPC's and not tell your characters and he will try and get more then his own share of the loot. This is something that is going to happen and I am ok with it are you all. We would discuss it, talk it through. I would then expect to see from you, as time went on, a subtle shift. I would not put a time limit on this but as you got to know the party and trusted them, if you are a genuine neutral character I would expect you to develop. If you insist on keeping the loot for yourself always, if you refuse to dip into your extra stash to help the party when needed then we would need to have a discussion as to if this is the right campaign for you.
Playing a dick can be fun for a while, but it gets boring and dull. You need to realise that DnD is a group experience, if your fellow players are not having fun because of something you are doing with your character then don't assume they must be in the wrong. However also don't think you just need to make a sudden switch. Taking the example above you can have that conversation with them and explain that you will start to push your character development on but need their roleplaying support for that.
I have never needed secret notes at my table because my players and I are really good at managing meta gaming. The situation your gave there I have had happen numerous times, I have had a rogue lift a magic dagger from a character for a laugh, the rolls where made the player didn't catch him, Next combat player says, I go for my magic dagger even though he knows it has been lifted. Next turn the Rogue throws said dagger smiling at the other character as he does.
I don't think this has anything to do with metagaming. Some might be taking place at the table, sure, but there's nothing stopping the upset players from simply getting up and leaving. There's a social contract; an expectation of trust. If they can't trust who they're adventuring with, they're not going to stick around.
And before anyone says the characters don't know, that's irrelevant. The DM is allowing a character to steal from the party, right in front of them, and lie about it. They are facilitating PvP. That is a difficult line to walk, and everyone has to be in agreement that it's okay. You don't get to guilt an upset player by saying, "Well, your character doesn't know so they wouldn't leave."
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Absolutely, the only thing that surprises me is that he has any friends left to play games with Where I come from he would have been shown the door, and certainly not allowed into my home in any social gatherings in case he tried to steal my belongings.
If you steal from what ostensibly is party loot, i.e: things found in the dungeon that the Party braves and circumvents together or things found on the bosses and mobs that the Party slays together, then you're stealing from the party's time, effort, risks, and spent resources.
If you steal on your own time, when the party isn't involved in securing you the opportunity to steal or loot, then that is YOUR loot. The same should apply to every character. If three characters spend their down time carousing, and you spend your down time gambling and make a ton of money, the rest of the party has no right to that profit.
Any character or player who advocates a permanent wealth share for all accumulated treasures and items, only does so because they are either selfish, or they are working off of a primitive communist idealism.
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It's just what my character does. I am a cannibal. Deal with it. Hey, why are are you guys attacking me?
If you want to play a character that is the enemy of the party, fine. Try to keep it secret for as long as possible and that means only doing things that will reveal the problem when it is worth it.
But otherwise, recognize the party will not and does not have to put up with that shit from a member. And do not be surprised if they turn on the player rather than the character.
Ultimately, character design is the choice of the player. If you design a character that will cause tension among other players (even if it's what the character would do, and you're role-playing accurately to that), that was your choice as a player to make that character. Other players have the right to be upset when certain rewards involved in the game are taken from them because of that choice. Game rewards aren't just for characters, they're for players. The player's needs are more important than the character's needs.
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I have one very valid question:
Why is meta gaming unacceptable and why is meta gaming in this particular event not only acceptable but enforced by various DMs?
I am not super fond of rules exceptions that happens abruptly (or whim calls to be honest).
HOWEVER, @Rhymer here, you are absolutely right. The Players well beings are more important than the Characters.
The rules, if need be, need to be stated at the beginning of the game. (ex: you guys are long time friends, they know you so well that any attempt to pick-pocket or fraud them will fail, because you know, familiarity (which does not imply the character can't TRY for shits and giggles)
Metagaming is acceptable if it involves knowledge the player has, not if the players do not have the information.
That is, you can't buy holy water because you can see a vampire on the cover of the module the DM sets up. Nor would a 1st level thief even know about holy water.
But there is nothing wrong with deciding to raise your wisdom if you are playing a cleric. That kind of metaggaming is fine.
Metagaming: When a player utilizes knowledge they (perhaps only assume) to possess in order to guide the actions of their characters.
Sometimes it's necessary because as a player, you want to avoid situations where you are likely to have your game ruined by losing a character/ an alliance/ a friend/ a co-player. Metagaming is an important thing when done responsibly, because it allows the actual people at the table to communicate about their needs as players. If everyone respects each other enough to do this, then metagaming can be good. It does however have a bad reputation because metagaming by definition, can be—and most famously is—used to exploit the game for selfish reasons that act antagonisticly to the point of a story-telling game. Metagaming has a habit of being used to deus ex machina one's way out of a bad situation that otherwise is intended to be a challenge with a big reward (tangible or emotional) to pay it off. Because it's antithetical to narrative design, it often feels like cheating, and in a lot of cases that's a justified response. Some people take the narrative side of the game very seriously, and dislike metagaming breaking their immersion.
But, sometimes it's important to metagame because not metagaming can permit the proliferation of bad behavior in the game, by players, and by extension their characters.
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I've most recently been playing a chaotic neutral Bard who's very specifically more con-artist than musician, and a bit of a grifter, so if he can steal something he often will, or rather, would. Early on there were a few contentious moments when he found something nobody else did, and would simply pocket it for later, but I very purposefully didn't make a habit out of it doing it too often, and it was only for easily pocketable items.
For example, when investigating a warehouse the party split up to search it, and as the player who rolled the highest for Investigation, the DM had me find a pouch with 200g of gems in it, and I had my character pocket it for themselves, as it was just so obviously what he would have done. But later when the party decided we needed a cart and some horses, he very "generously" offered to pay for it (and made a big show about how generous he was being, because again, very in character).
Over time he's become a bit better at sharing with the group as he recognises the benefits of having others he can rely on etc., so while he'll still pocket stuff, it gets added to a note of valuables to be divided up later.
So really I'd say it comes down to there being a difference between playing in character, and just plain taking the piss. Other players are "wrong" to act vengefully in response to knowledge their characters don't have, but if you don't want them to do that then don't aggravate them, it's not that hard.
Former D&D Beyond Customer of six years: With the axing of piecemeal purchasing, lack of meaningful development, and toxic moderation the site isn't worth paying for anymore. I remain a free user only until my groups are done migrating from DDB, and if necessary D&D, after which I'm done. There are better systems owned by better companies out there.
I have unsubscribed from all topics and will not reply to messages. My homebrew is now 100% unsupported.
I just started / joined an on-line campaign via zoom and found that the private chat to the DM is great for rogues ... my little gnome rogue wanders off while the party is arguing and gets side intel. As far as a I know, the party doesn't know I'm sleuthing off on my own while they debate the best way to cut up trolls or ogres.
Unfortunately, when searching corpses on the battle field, our DM wasn't used to a rogues rogue ... as I messaged to pick pocket dead goblins for pocket change figuring the party wouldn't notice a few silver or copper going to a good charity or two. (Honest ... it is all for paying for tips, clues, and good rumours. You have to spend some money to make some money. Something our sorceress, paladin, and barbarian don't really appreciate.)
A table top version would be to encourage your party to also pass along notes. Sure, both notes and PMs when used too often can slow the pace of the game, but it makes it easier for those of us that like to play the little guys to do what we do best ... move straight to action, leaving the committee behind. ;)
My party has assigned our halfling bard to follow and watch me closely when it comes to clearing out rooms. Heck, I get assistance checks and somebody to help me out if something goes wrong ... and what gnome doesn't appreciate having a halfling bard around to help talk your way out of situations.
This! You should have side conversations with the GM when you want to do anything you don't want the rest of the party to know about. Keeps everyone else from metagaming. Both my GM, and me when I GM, use this when one character can see something or perceives something the others can't. Basically, it works both way...so use it!
We use GTM where you can specify the recipient, but you can pass notes, text message, send them an email, etc., etc., etc.
#OpenD&D #ORC
"...or you can find the secret tunnel that leads to the Vault of Dickish DM which is filled with 10,000,000 copper coins and a 5,000 pound solid gold statue of a middle finger that is too big to fit through the door."
The issue here is not the theft itself. The issue here is communication.
What you need is a way for an individual player to communicate with the DM without the other players knowing. I know Roll20 has the /whisper option, but we need a comparable system at the tabletop or on other forms of media. You and your DM need to establish a form of communication that will allow you to indicate to the DM that you will attempt to palm a gem from a chest, or to pick a pocket, etc, without alerting the other players. So when the players watch you open a chest they only see the pile of gold in the chest, not the pile of gold and the emerald and the rogue telling the DM that he's trying to steal the emerald.
That way the players won't get upset, because they won't even know it happened. Proper planning in communication will eliminate the metagaming problem. They'll just go on thinking everything's fair, until the party is in a town and needs something expensive but can't afford it and you just whip out this honkin' f*ckin' emerald and say, "Maybe this'll help." And they're all like, "Where the F did you get THAT???" And you just smile.
As for why you're stealing... well, you're a rogue. That's part of the job. But you should at least have an RP rationale for it. Maybe you're just chaotic and impulsive and can't help yourself. But maybe you're a lover of art and beauty, and you know the party will just pawn whatever treasure they find for coin, and sometimes you see a beautiful piece of art - like a gem or jewelry or whatever - and you just feel compelled to protect it, so it can be appreciated rather than just pawned. Or maybe you're secretly the one responsible person in the party and you know the other party members are sh*t at budgeting their income, so you feel the need to help the party by ensuring that you've got a bit of a nest egg set aside for a rainy day. For the party, of course. Yeah. Sure. "For the party". Honest.
Stealing isn't always an evil act. 24601 stole bread to feed a starving child. That was an act of mercy. The act itself, and its rationale, must sometimes be judged apart from the legal structures imposed upon it by society.
Tayn of Darkwood. Lvl 10 human Life Cleric of Lathander. Retired.
Ikram Sahir ibn Malik al-Sayyid Ra'ad, Second Son of the House of Ra'ad, Defender of the Burning Sands. Lvl 9 Brass Dragonborn Sorcerer + Greater Fire Elemental Devil.
Viktor Gavriil. Lvl 20 White Dragonborn Grave Cleric, of Kurgan the God of Death.
Anzio Faro. Lvl 5 Prot. Aasimar Light Cleric.
Secret messages will eliminate the metagaming problem, but keeping secrets can lead to all kinds of other problems unless you fix the rest of the communication problems.
Some people enjoy it when the group is working together for shared or at least compatible purposes. Other people enjoy it when people each have their own agenda, working at cross purposes at times. Some people will enjoy hearing about your character's thefts, even if it is effectively stolen from the party, others will get upset about it. Some people enjoy stories that they aren't part of, others can't help but metagame based on the information.
This is why a session zero is necessary, to find out what sort of things each person at the table enjoys/dislikes/etc.
SESSION ZEROOOOOO!!!!
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@Renfaireman:
I knew a player with your attitude. He wound up in jail, for real.
Long past your question, but the players are breaking the fourth wall which is a huge no-no. Responses here in the thread that seem to be centered on player agency are totally missing that point. I disagree with that line of reasoning too, but the larger issue is that the characters themselves would have no way of knowing about it, save through in-game mechanics and abilities. They, and individuals in this thread pushing agency are in fact removing yours; destroying your role playing experience.
So the characters probably shouldn't kick him out of the party (unless he's being an ahole in other more public ways), but the players could kick him out of the game if they wanted to. If he were in our group and persistently stealing from the party, he'd be history. By the way, "getting dibs" isn't getting dibs unless you tell everyone what you got and it comes out of your share. If it doesn't then your character is stealing from the party.
Ok as a DM, and having seen this happen at tables I have run I am going to put my spin on this situation.
First of all the Players should not use out of game knowledge to affect how their characters interact with you, that is meta gaming and does spoil the game. I also would never "fudge" a roll to have you caught.
It feels very much that you are playing DnD to try and win, your later answers don't really explain why your character is stealing like this. This is not a game of Monopoly, it is not something you cheat at. As a DM I would very much want to sit down with you, understand your characters motivation and background and then work with you to develop an arc that allows you to develop and grow as a character, making that move from someone who needs to horde and own everything because you have a fear of rejection, you have to have more then your fair share because you worry you won't be accepted for example. Then I would sit down with the players and explain, RenFaireMen's character is going to be a bit of a dick for a while, he will be trying to horde and keep loot for himself, he will pickpocket NPC's and not tell your characters and he will try and get more then his own share of the loot. This is something that is going to happen and I am ok with it are you all. We would discuss it, talk it through. I would then expect to see from you, as time went on, a subtle shift. I would not put a time limit on this but as you got to know the party and trusted them, if you are a genuine neutral character I would expect you to develop. If you insist on keeping the loot for yourself always, if you refuse to dip into your extra stash to help the party when needed then we would need to have a discussion as to if this is the right campaign for you.
Playing a dick can be fun for a while, but it gets boring and dull. You need to realise that DnD is a group experience, if your fellow players are not having fun because of something you are doing with your character then don't assume they must be in the wrong. However also don't think you just need to make a sudden switch. Taking the example above you can have that conversation with them and explain that you will start to push your character development on but need their roleplaying support for that.
I have never needed secret notes at my table because my players and I are really good at managing meta gaming. The situation your gave there I have had happen numerous times, I have had a rogue lift a magic dagger from a character for a laugh, the rolls where made the player didn't catch him, Next combat player says, I go for my magic dagger even though he knows it has been lifted. Next turn the Rogue throws said dagger smiling at the other character as he does.
I don't think this has anything to do with metagaming. Some might be taking place at the table, sure, but there's nothing stopping the upset players from simply getting up and leaving. There's a social contract; an expectation of trust. If they can't trust who they're adventuring with, they're not going to stick around.
And before anyone says the characters don't know, that's irrelevant. The DM is allowing a character to steal from the party, right in front of them, and lie about it. They are facilitating PvP. That is a difficult line to walk, and everyone has to be in agreement that it's okay. You don't get to guilt an upset player by saying, "Well, your character doesn't know so they wouldn't leave."